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Lost Boy

by sevynpetronella

The songs of an unhappy soul emanate a relatable rhythm.

The silence of a tired try resembles struggle of our own.

Society might find that the lesser effort speaks louder and commands the highest recognition, while simply lingering within the cosmos of being; overpowering that which desires only to be seen, heard of, and wholly acknowledged, 'tis a rule of reciprocity, never known to man the foundation behind it.

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304 Reviews

Points: 20007
Reviews: 304

Wed Sep 16, 2020 11:56 am
Vulcanite wrote a review...

Hi @sevynpetronella I'm here to do a short review for you, so lets get into it, Warning I have never reviewed Art before so this, mite be a bad review, sorry ahead of time.
First of, I am a little concerned for you, I no that when someone writings something like this it can some times because something is happening in there life witch mite be making them anger or unhappy, sorry about this any ways, I also want to welcome you to the site *Follows*

The songs of an unhappy soul emanate a relatable rhythm.

This first line here were you mentioned unhappy soul I felt slightly depressed, like we are they unhappy what could be happening in there lives to make them feel this way.

Society might find that the lesser effort speaks louder and commands the highest recognition,
Okay I was a little surprised to read this line, I'm not really sure why but it just gave me this thought in my head that said, "so true," so I guess my mind was telling me it was true.

Anyways I'm not going to go on, I think that for I think your first thing that you posted its pretty good. You keep writing never stop, it might be one of the things that makes you different from others because of the way you write.

I hope that you have a great Day/Night

@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went

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1246 Reviews

Points: 35749
Reviews: 1246

Wed Sep 16, 2020 4:07 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, I'm not sure what this work is meant to be, so it's hard to critique. The beginning uses line breaks and poetic devices such as alliteration, which would suggest a poem, but then it goes into a more prose-like format. If you wanted it to be a poem, I would suggest continuing to use line breaks and poetic devices, but if you wanted it to be a story or essay, I would put it all in paragraph form and then expand on your ideas.

The first two lines seem to be talking about someone stuck in a routine, constantly unhappy but too tired to do anything about it. Then in the sentence, it seems to jump to the idea that people who put in less effort are often rewarded by society while those who toil go unrecognized. Then we end on something about reciprocity, which doesn't make much sense to me in context.

There's a lot of interesting ideas here, but none of them are really developed enough. I think the strongest part of this is the first two lines that use alliteration to talk about the repetitive nature of someone stuck in an unhappy life. I would build upon that-who is struggling and why? How did they get caught in this routine? What are they doing day to day? Is there any hope for escaping the drudgery. This piece is entitled "Lost Boy" so it might help to use that title to build a character and storyline.

As a side note, the ending sentence is way too long and contains lots of commas and semicolons. While there are looser rules in poetry with respect to grammar, this makes it unwieldy and hard to understand. I would rewrite as shorter sentences to make it easier to read.

Overall, the ideas have potential and I'd love to see them fleshed out a little more. Keep writing and welcome to YWS! :D

— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi