Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General

12+

Hunter - chapters 3 and 4

by EM8650


Chapter three – A new day

The next morning I woke in an oddly joyful mood that was soon crushed as the events of last night came rushing back. Sighing loudly I buried my head back under the covers and will for sleep to come and remove the worries of my life. Just as I was starting to settle into a sleepy haze a knock on the door pulled me back to reality. With a moan of frustration I rolled out of bed and stumbled down the hallway and to the front door. I was surprised to find nick standing on the other side with a charming smile holding two large cups of coffee.

“Morning princess, the apartment upstairs didn’t have any coffee this morning so when I went to buzz I thought you might like it if I brought you back a cup. Care to join me outside?” The hopeful smile on his face as well as the large cup of coffee he had was just the right amount of encouragement I needed to join him on the balcony.

After settling into the seat across from him, nick handed me one of the cups and I took it eagerly before enjoying a long smooth sip. “so Hart I realise I don’t know your first name. care to share.” The look he gave said that he wasn’t just asking but that he actually wanted to know.

“My names Violet.” I could see nick sucking in a sharp breath before he spoke again.

“Violet.” He repeated. “That’s a beautiful name.” I don’t know why but his last remark made me blush. Nick and I continued to sit and drink our coffee for the next 15 minutes as he told me about the vampires that had been hunting me and about how training was going to be run. “Ethan’s going to help you with cardio and muscle strengthen while I focus on you fighting stance and weapons use.” As if he knew what we had been talking about Ethan appeared on the staircase.

“Morning. Where my coffee Nick?” Ethan asked sounding only a little disappointed.

“I didn’t get you one. Violet you should go get into some practical workout gear.” The way nick had spoken his last comment made it sound almost like an order. “Hey guys, I need to set something straight, I don’t take orders. Especially when I hunt. Or hunted.” They both nodded understanding what I had meant by my statement. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Rushing back onto the house I went straight to my wardrobe and pulled on my workout gear, which consisted of black tights and a sports bra. After tying up my hair I pick up my runners and re-joined Ethan and Nick on the porch. Choosing the seat beside Nick I sat and slipped on my runners.

Nick stood and clapped his hands together before saying, “Alright kid, you have fun doing your cardio. Come find me when you done.” Then he disappeared up the stairs and into their apartment.

At that I turned to face Ethan. “Alright Hart let’s start with a run.” The way Ethan spoke was much different to the way Nick did, he seemed to always sound calm and collected compared to his brother.

The sun was fully over head when we finally reached to the 5 mile mark and I was just about ready to collapse. Thankfully, Ethan could see the pain I was in and suggested we take a short cut back to the Apartment. Which I gladly agreed to. It took us another 30 minutes to get back jogging at a leisurely pace as we traded stories of our childhood. It was surprising to me just how well I got on with the two brothers.

Although I had a feeling that training with Nick wouldn’t be as calming and forgiving as it had been with Ethan. My hunch about training with Nick had been right, we were only 20 minutes in and I was already dripping in sweat.

Nick had me practicing my form against an old punching bag, which wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t been barking order and “feedback as he called it in my ear every 5 bloody seconds. Nick was starting to really irritate me so much that I nearly hit him instead of the bag.

“Alright stop.” Nick’s voice was softer and more relaxed than it had been now. “Violet, you stance is good but you need to tuck in your elbows.” As he said those words he step up behind me and moved my elbows into place. His body was now so close to mine that I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. His Hand ran down the small of my back and over my hip pushing it slightly in an attempt to square off my upper body, before saying. “If your hips are square then the rest of your body will be too.”

I sucked in a sharp breath I could feel his hands travelling back up my back straightening my shoulders before running along my arms down to my wrist. Our bodies were completely touching now and it was nearly impossible for me to focus on anything else other that what Nick felt like, even as he guided me through a set of punches. Nicks chin now rested on my shoulder as adjusted the angle of my wrists. “Don’t want to break your wrist Hart.” A small nod was all I could offer in response to him. Nick moved his hands back to my hips as I finished the next set, after which he turned me around to face him. HE was still so close to me, he reached for my wrist and pulled back the training tape he had made me put on before we had even started. I looked up him, his eyes were a light shade of emerald green and were the kind of eyes that I would happily get lost in for hours.

“You shouldn’t have gone so hard on your first train session in what 2 years. Your knuckles are going to bruise.” Said Nick before he stepped away from me leaving a trail of fire burning on my skin from where his hands had been.

When Nick finally returned he was holding a bucket of ice-cold water and a cloth. “so, why are you and Ethan taking to spate part of training me instead of doing it together?” I asked before pealing the rest of the tape off my hand and wrist.

“Because.” Nick started. “Your still getting back into it and we don’t want to overload you with information.” It was a reasonable answer for him to give. Nick took my bloody hand in his and dipped the cold moist cloth onto it, I winced as when the cool water his my skin. He was looking so deeply into my eyes and somehow I hadn’t noticed that his face was now inches from mine, I was so lost in the moment that I almost forgot I had a class that I needed to attend this afternoon. “Umm Nick, I need to go I have a class this afternoon.” Nick let go of my hand instantly.

“Right then you better get going.” Nick took the bowl and the towel back to the kitchen and re appeared just as I was opening the door. “Hey Hart. Wanna join Ethan and I for dinner tonight?” The look in Nicks eyes expressed so much emotion that it was so hard for me to say no to him. Nicks face lit up when I finally answered him. “Sure, I’d love to.” And at that I left closing the door behind me.

Chapter four – The body 

(Chapter four is not yet compleated. My apologise.)

The Next few weeks had been mostly the same, I would get up at the crack of dawn to train with Ethan before have a huge cup of coffee with the brothers and attending any classes that I had before coming home and training with Nick, until my shift at golds started. Or at least they were all the same up until the only person apart t=fro Ethan and Nick who I considered to be a friend came knocking on the door.

“Oh Violet did you hear the police found a body just off campus at that bar you work at. It’s all through the newspaper.” Graces voice was filled with concern and relief. Almost as if she thought I was the person, whose body they had found. “What. No I didn’t know they found a body. Did you know the person grace.” Grace was around my height, with long blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. And she was very popular with both the students and the staff at Jackson college.

“No, but they description of the girl that the police released this morning was as if they were describing you. I was just worried.” She look at me her face blank refusing to show any emotion. “Grace look I’m fine and if it will make you feel better I’ll walk a different way to golds. I could see the relief and emotion flooding back at graces face at my words almost instantly.

“Yes it would. Now there’s a party in the woods tonight and we so need to go. This is a non-optional thing Violet. I will pick you up at 5:30 and I will be making you change.” I wanted to tell grace that I didn’t want to go to the party but I knew better. Whenever it came to parties Grace always got her way besides I wasn’t going to let her go alone with a possible supernatural threat around campus.

It was still early when Grace finally left and as it was a Saturday I had no classes to attend to I made my way up stairs. The boys left their front door unlocked most of the time so I wasn’t surprised when it oped. Stepping inside I could smell freshly cooked bacon and coffee coming from the kitchen. When I finally made my way to the kitchen when Ethan said. “Morning Violet. How was your sleep?” Ethan’s voice was calm as always but that on top of seeing him nothing but Grey sweat pants was almost too much to bare.

I was shocked when I managed to stammer out a reply. “Oh yeah I slept fine. You?”

Ethan nodded his reply. As I made my way to the coffee pot. But Ethan had managed to slip in front of me and pour himself a cup before I was even reaching for the jug. He turned around slowly handing me the freshly filled cup. “Here you go Violet.” I was so close to Ethan and all I could think of doing was wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him. We were just inches part and when I looked up to fine him staring at me I couldn’t help but blush.

“Thanks for the coffee Ethan.” I said with a thankful grin. Before taking sip of it. “ Your welcome. Violet, your eyes there stunning. They are almost like golden stars.” I could feel my face growing hotter by the second. And then I could feel a burning at my waist as Ethan rested his hand there before he moved his head down to mine. Our foreheads pressed together looking into each other’s eyes. My heart was pounding now. My breath was coming in rapid pants as I waited for him to seal the kiss but he never did.

“Morning Little bro.” Nick call from somewhere down the hall, Ethan removed his hand from my waist and I stepped away moving to the other side of the counter before Nick entered the room. However, I was still burning; I could still feel the tingling sensation from where Ethan had touched me.

“Hart glad to see you still alive we have a job to do today. I girl was found murdered in the early hours of the morning by campus security. I need the two of you to go to the morgue an check out the body while I go talk to the officer who are handling the case.” Nick reached for my coffee cup and despite my best efforts to swat his hand away; he was still able to steal a quick sip out of it.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
100 Reviews


Points: 6141
Reviews: 100

Donate
Wed Jan 13, 2021 9:35 pm
LUNARGIRL wrote a review...





The next morning I woke in an oddly joyful mood that was soon crushed as the events of last night came rushing back. Sighing loudly I buried my head back under the covers and will for sleep to come and remove the worries of my life. Just as I was starting to settle into a sleepy haze a knock on the door pulled me back to reality. With a moan of frustration I rolled out of bed and stumbled down the hallway and to the front door. I was surprised to find nick standing on the other side with a charming smile holding two large cups of coffee.


Great start, don't forget to capitalize names!

“Violet.” He repeated. “That’s a beautiful name.” I don’t know why but his last remark made me blush. Nick and I continued to sit and drink our coffee for the next 15 minutes as he told me about the vampires that had been hunting me and about how training was going to be run. “Ethan’s going to help you with cardio and muscle strengthen while I focus on you fighting stance and weapons use.” As if he knew what we had been talking about Ethan appeared on the staircase.


The last sentence is hard to read and needs to be changed to. As if he knew what we had been talking about him, Ethan appeared on the staircase. It sounds better this way and does not interrupt the flow of reading the story.

Rushing back onto the house I went straight to my wardrobe and pulled on my workout gear, which consisted of black tights and a sports bra. After tying up my hair I pick up my runners and re-joined Ethan and Nick on the porch. Choosing the seat beside Nick I sat and slipped on my runners.


Nice use of description!

The main thing is that you forget to capitalize a lot of the names, and it feels like the relationship between the characters is moving way too fast. The relationship doesn't feel real, it feels fake. Can't wait to read what you write next!

Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL




User avatar
890 Reviews


Points: 61352
Reviews: 890

Donate
Mon Sep 28, 2020 3:05 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok, straight onto the next two chapters! Interesting that you've continued without finishing chapter 4 but I'm happy to review anyway. Hopefully you can summarise what will happen so that the flow of the story isn't interrupted for when I review the next couple of chapters but let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

Sighing loudly I buried my head back under the covers andwill for sleep to come and remove the worries of my life.

Watch out for accidentally changing tenses here. Will should be 'willed' and you don't need 'for'.

I was surprised to find nick standing on the other side with a charming smile holding two large cups of coffee.

Make sure to capitalise Nick as it's his name.

“Morning princess, the apartment upstairs didn’t have any coffee this morning so when I went to buzz I thought you might like it if I brought you back a cup. Care to join me outside?” The hopeful smile on his face as well as the large cup of coffee he had was just the right amount of encouragement I needed to join him on the balcony.

I think it would be good if Violet showed a bit more apprehension here, after all she did only meet him very briefly the night before. Or I suppose you could make the previous night a bit longer? Either would work.

So Hart, I realise I don’t know your first name. Care to share?

Capitals at the beginning of sentences. Also, second sentence should be a question and you're missing a comma :) All in bold!

“Hey guys, I need to set something straight, I don’t take orders. Especially when I hunt. Or hunted.” They both nodded understanding what I had meant by my statement. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

This interaction didn't really fit for me.

Your still getting back into it and we don’t want to overload you with information.”

Should be 'you're' as it is a contraction of you are

The look in Nicks eyes expressed so much emotion that it was so hard for me to say no to him.

Why is there so much emotion if he has only just met her? And how is she able to tell if she barely knows him? I think some extra description would be good here. I see Harry has made the point below:
the relationships between these characters are just developing so fast...its just really unlikely to ever happen in real life and that just takes away from the story. Not to say that they are bad...you've done a wonderful job conveying those feelings but its just out of place so early in the story.

And I have to say I completely agree! The relationships between these characters don't mirror those of people who have only just met. It's difficult because of course you know your characters very well and know how they will interact later on but here they don't really know each other and that isn't reflected in your writing at the moment.

The Next few weeks had been mostly the same, I would get up at the crack of dawn to train with Ethan before have a huge cup of coffee with the brothers and attending any classes that I had before coming home and training with Nick, until my shift at golds started.

I think this is a good point for a new chapter, good choice! Next does not need to be capitalised.

I think there are some other grammar/spelling issues here that I won't highlight because I imagine you'll catch those whilst editing but please let me know if that's something you'd like me to focus on in the future.

I like where you're developing the story even if I do think the pacing needs a bit of work. But that's definitely something that will come the more you revise this, so don't worry too much for now!

Hope this helped

Icy




User avatar
1062 Reviews


Points: 120715
Reviews: 1062

Donate
Wed Sep 09, 2020 6:40 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this was a pretty nice continuation overall. I definitely like that we've got some excitement here with this dead person but the relationships between these characters are just developing so fast...its just really unlikely to ever happen in real life and that just takes away from the story. Not to say that they are bad...you've done a wonderful job conveying those feelings but its just out of place so early in the story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The next morning I woke in an oddly joyful mood that was soon crushed as the events of last night came rushing back. Sighing loudly I buried my head back under the covers and will for sleep to come and remove the worries of my life. Just as I was starting to settle into a sleepy haze a knock on the door pulled me back to reality. With a moan of frustration I rolled out of bed and stumbled down the hallway and to the front door. I was surprised to find nick standing on the other side with a charming smile holding two large cups of coffee.


I think that's supposed to be a name right there which means it needs to be capitalized.

“Morning princess, the apartment upstairs didn’t have any coffee this morning so when I went to buzz I thought you might like it if I brought you back a cup. Care to join me outside?” The hopeful smile on his face as well as the large cup of coffee he had was just the right amount of encouragement I needed to join him on the balcony.


Very interesting word choice by Nick right there. It's certainly a very interesting one.

After settling into the seat across from him, nick handed me one of the cups and I took it eagerly before enjoying a long smooth sip. “so Hart I realise I don’t know your first name. care to share.” The look he gave said that he wasn’t just asking but that he actually wanted to know.


Uhh that last sentence doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I think you need to rephrase that a little, maybe show how he sincerely wants to know about it rather than just umm mention that it looked like want to see because in this way it just sounds a bit awkward.

“Violet.” He repeated. “That’s a beautiful name.” I don’t know why but his last remark made me blush. Nick and I continued to sit and drink our coffee for the next 15 minutes as he told me about the vampires that had been hunting me and about how training was going to be run. “Ethan’s going to help you with cardio and muscle strengthen while I focus on you fighting stance and weapons use.” As if he knew what we had been talking about Ethan appeared on the staircase.


Well she got chummy with these two really fast. Seems like a bit of a quick turnaround there after being so mad at everyone earlier.

Nick stood and clapped his hands together before saying, “Alright kid, you have fun doing your cardio. Come find me when you done.” Then he disappeared up the stairs and into their apartment.


Well that sounded a little weird there all of a sudden with him calling her a kid. It just seemed a bit too drastic of a tonal change there at least to me.

Although I had a feeling that training with Nick wouldn’t be as calming and forgiving as it had been with Ethan. My hunch about training with Nick had been right, we were only 20 minutes in and I was already dripping in sweat.


Well that definitely seems pretty intense there.

I sucked in a sharp breath I could feel his hands travelling back up my back straightening my shoulders before running along my arms down to my wrist. Our bodies were completely touching now and it was nearly impossible for me to focus on anything else other that what Nick felt like, even as he guided me through a set of punches. Nicks chin now rested on my shoulder as adjusted the angle of my wrists. “Don’t want to break your wrist Hart.” A small nod was all I could offer in response to him. Nick moved his hands back to my hips as I finished the next set, after which he turned me around to face him. HE was still so close to me, he reached for my wrist and pulled back the training tape he had made me put on before we had even started. I looked up him, his eyes were a light shade of emerald green and were the kind of eyes that I would happily get lost in for hours.


This is some nice description sure just that it seems so sudden...I mean what person just jumps to this after wanting to punch someone. It's too quick of an emotional change. If you want to still have this at least tone down her anger earlier to something a little milder so that the change in her thoughts is more likely to happen.

“Right then you better get going.” Nick took the bowl and the towel back to the kitchen and re appeared just as I was opening the door. “Hey Hart. Wanna join Ethan and I for dinner tonight?” The look in Nicks eyes expressed so much emotion that it was so hard for me to say no to him. Nicks face lit up when I finally answered him. “Sure, I’d love to.” And at that I left closing the door behind me.


Well his chapter really took a turn there from the previous one. I think you should make this acceptance a little more gradual with her at least showing some hate for this training for a couple of days or so before she gradually ends up starting to accept it and not scream at them. At the moment its all just very sudden acceptance that seems unlikely to happen in real life.

“Oh Violet did you hear the police found a body just off campus at that bar you work at. It’s all through the newspaper.” Graces voice was filled with concern and relief. Almost as if she thought I was the person, whose body they had found. “What. No I didn’t know they found a body. Did you know the person grace.” Grace was around my height, with long blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. And she was very popular with both the students and the staff at Jackson college.


That last lines seems somehow unimportant to the story here. It just feels like a weird afterthought just randomly added in.

Ethan nodded his reply. As I made my way to the coffee pot. But Ethan had managed to slip in front of me and pour himself a cup before I was even reaching for the jug. He turned around slowly handing me the freshly filled cup. “Here you go Violet.” I was so close to Ethan and all I could think of doing was wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him. We were just inches part and when I looked up to fine him staring at me I couldn’t help but blush.


Okay we are going all in with this pretty fast here...I mean I can get that there's attraction but this is moving really fast from being completely mad at them to this.

“Hart glad to see you still alive we have a job to do today. I girl was found murdered in the early hours of the morning by campus security. I need the two of you to go to the morgue an check out the body while I go talk to the officer who are handling the case.” Nick reached for my coffee cup and despite my best efforts to swat his hand away; he was still able to steal a quick sip out of it.


Well at least this ending part is nice to see...good little cliffhanger of sorts with the body that they are going to be investigating.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall you're doing a pretty good job here. I do like this story and where it is headed. I would still prefer a much slowed development of the relationship or you could introduce these characters a little differently and show that Violet doesn't get as mad as them as she did in the earlier chapter so that this feels more natural than it currently does.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




EM8650 says...


Thank you for your feedback. I haven'y formally stated this yet but there is a 4 year age difference between Nick and Violet as she is 17 and he is 21, which is why he calls here kid.



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!
Ahh...okay that makes sense.



User avatar
112 Reviews


Points: 5687
Reviews: 112

Donate
Tue Sep 08, 2020 1:05 pm
Stormblessed242 wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!
Good continuation! The story is really getting going.
There are a lot of errors, but I'll point out a few of them for you.

Mainly your problem is spelling and capitalization. Make sure you go over your work carefully to find any mistakes. What helps me sometimes is to read it aloud slowly. This makes your brain look at it more carefully.
If you're still having trouble with spelling, try putting your work into a writing program like Word or Grammarly. These programs are built to catch errors like that.

On to the actual story part.

Nick and I continued to sit and drink our coffee for the next 15 minutes as he told me about the vampires that had been hunting me and about how training was going to be run.

I think this was the perfect opportunity for you to worldbuild a bit and tell us exactly who the hunters are, and why these vampires are hunting Violet. I read the next chapter as well, and you still haven't told us about these things. Just keep that in mind for the next chapter.

Ok, on to relationship issues. You write the interactions and the feelings well, but it seems a bit early for stuff like this. I mean, they only met yesterday. Don't change it if you don't want to, but keep that in mind.

Other than these, this was really good. I'm heading over to the next chapter to review it as well, so I'll see you in a bit!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242
Image




EM8650 says...


Thank you for the feedback.



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 120
Reviews: 30

Donate
Sat Sep 05, 2020 12:22 pm
EM8650 says...



Hi all please be mindful that i am not yet finished writing chapter four. Thanks.





I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie