Young Writers Society

Hey there, koinoyokan! I'm Morrigan, and I'm here to review your poem.

I enjoy that you use poetic elements in this piece like personification and imagery. Death is a popular topic to write about in poetry. My theatre professor used to say that all art is either about love or death in one way or another.

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address.

Since this seems to be set against an antiquated backdrop, why not try writing it a little more like it's poetry from that time period? I'm not suggesting you use rhyme, but how about meter? Meter is the rhythm in a poem, and while there are some lines in which the meter is enjoyable, I think a consistent meter would give your poem a more polished and focused feel. If you're interested in adding consistent meter, check out this resource from our forums: Making Meter Easy

I want to challenge you to rewrite this poem, but not use the word death (or dead, or dying). You use the word five times in such a short poem, and it just sticks out like a sore thumb. Find other ways of conveying the idea of death through concrete imagery. You would be surprised at how much more impact your poem has if you trust the reader and don't hold their hand to tell them exactly what the poem is about. I want to direct your attention to Edgar Allan Poe's poem "Annabel Lee." The poem is certainly about death, and does mention it directly once in the line,

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But death was sad and the man, lonely
And he could not send her away.

Hi, I'm Axiom.

This is wonderful. I love the imagery. It's dark, but it still is able to capture other feelings we can experience from poetry, which is odd but I don't mind it.

I do see some areas to make stanzas, which are like paragraphs. Welp, those aren't exactly needed, but they can help everything flow and make it easier to read, so that's up to you to decide on.

I also like that rhyme towards the end. It's probably not intentional, but I do enjoy it. If that's what you wanted, great on you, and if that happened accidentally, it still works for your poem. I would usually feel like it's weird in a poem with no more rhyming, but I like how it rolls when reading.

Overall a good poem.

Axi

I like this! It certainly makes you thing about life, and quite how short a thing it is, and how much we ought to treasure it. But moving on, here are some small critiques!

'Listening to the struggling pained gasp of death' This line seems a little over-extended. If I were you I would shorten it and it might have more of an effect. A wise man once said, 'Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?' I would advise you to keep this in mind when writing poetry, as it's easy to put far too much emphasis on tiny details, and far too little on what you're actually trying to say.

'Death, the makers only companion, His words, the makers only salvation, and damnation' I'm also not sure about the use of 'The maker' twice here. A simple 'His only salvation...' would do fine

Other than that I really enjoyed reading it! Just maybe focus on streamlining it a little and you'll have an utterly spectacular poem! Keep up the writing, I very much look forward to seeing what you come up with!

Ooh, very creepy. I like the rhythm of this poem and the way the words flowed. It was very nice and spooky. I'm not very good with poems, so the best I can do for you is point out some grammar mistakes. I'm sure someone more qualified than me could help with other stuff(if there even is any).
Anyway, the only thing I noticed was the fact that in two places('makers only companion' and 'makers only salvation') there should be an apostrophe in makers to make it possessive. Like so-maker's.
Other than that, your poem looks good! I hope this review helped!