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The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 6.1

by KateHardy


Chapter 6

The Many Ways to Die While Opening a Briefcase

Rose glared at Terry. He looked thoroughly surprised that he was being arrested. Well at least the disguise worked.

"But...I was trying to..." protested Terry.

"Does. Not. Matter," said Rose as she tightened the cuffs," you have the right to remain silent. Save the explanations for the interrogation."

"But...how do you even have the authority to do that?" asked Terry. Harry produced his badge and flashed it in Terry's face.

"I assume you can read, Mr. Clarke," he said, almost bashing Terry in the nose with it.

"But what are the charges?" Terry asked, struggling against the cuffs.

"Are you really that stupid or are you trying to stall?" asked Rose. The man went silent.

"I'll tell you one reason," said Harry, putting a finger right on Terry's chest," you attacked one of our agents. That's more than enough."

"But that was in...," began Terry but was cut off by an uppercut to the chin. He dropped like a sack of potatoes. Rose looked at him quizzically.

“He wasn’t going to stop talking,” he explained.

"You could have used a sleep spell?” asked Rose.

"He hurt you," he said simply," he had that coming.”

“Okayy...so now we call for extraction?” she suggested.

"Yaa...probably the best thing to do. Anyway...how's your cut? Do you think you need the potion?"

"I’m fine, just a little stiff from this thing," she said, absently scratching at her bandage. Urgh...I have to wear it for another entire day. She proceeded to prop up the unconscious Terry while Harry dialed headquarters.

"Wings here. Hit by scrambler.Target in custody. Requesting immediate extraction," he said into the communicator.

"Acknowledged Wings. Sending team now. ETA - 2 minutes," came the usual robotic monotone. The call cut off.

"So...about that case?" Harry asked.

"Guess we'll go back and find out. Eagle was pretty lax about the whole thing when he ordered us on this mission. Weird move there, changing his mind so fast."

"He probably has a good reason," he pointed out.

"Which he probably won't ever tell us," she added.

"Unfortunately, that's true most of the time," he agreed.

"Let's hope that they got the other case opened. Maybe that had something to do with this."

"Maybe."

"So.." began Rose before stopping as a flash of yellow light indicated the arrival of the extraction team.

"Morning, Orange, Apricot," greeted Harry.

"Wings, Prickle," Orange replied, nodding to them in turn," I was told we have a prisoner." Apricot simply gave them a bow.

"That we do. Take this one to a holding cell. He’s a bit powerful. Take some extra precautions," Rose said, pointing at the limp form of Terry.

Orange grabbed the man roughly, nodded to them, and vanished in a flash of light.

"So...you know the drill. Grab a shoulder,” said Apricot, stepping forward.

Harry and Rose walked up to her and put a hand on each shoulder. The three of them appeared in the operations division. Apricot stumbled a little, winded from teleporting the three of them.

“You okay, Bethany,” asked Harry, removing his hand from her shoulder.

“I’m still getting used to teleporting three people at once, but, otherwise I'm okay,” she replied, giving them a smile,” I was just sitting here the whole day. What about the two of you? You're the ones on the main mission going on these days.”

"A little tired and sporting a couple of bruises but okay," replied Harry.

"Likewise," added Rose.

'Uh huh...the usual then," she observed,” see you around then. I have to go.”

The two of them nodded in reply and the woman left the room. Rose took a moment to look around. They had landed in the operations lounge, one of the smaller rooms in the agency.

“I guess we go meet Johnson now,” suggested Rose.

“Yep,” said Harry,” I’m just trying to figure out exactly what that guy said.”

“Wait, did I miss something?”

“Yaa while you were fighting the concrete things, he mentioned a couple of things. Maybe Johnson will know more. Come on, I’ll tell you on the way.”

“Okay.” Well this got even more interesting.

The two of them headed out onto the corridor. They headed for Johnson’s office, which was right at the very end of the Operations division.

"So what was it that guy mentioned?" she began.

"Some order of Wessy something. Horribly unpronounceable name. Something about the case belonging to them or some nonsense like that."

"Well I've never heard of any Wessy anything," she answered, brow furrowed in thought.

"Whatever it was it made the woman pale quite a bit."

"Well that's interesting. Maybe Johnson knows?"

"Hopefully. We can probably know a whole lot more if we can open that damn case," he said.

"Definitely," Rose replied," it should happen soon." This gets even more convoluted. What on Earth is in that damn case?

They walked in silence till they were in front of the familiar name plate. Rose knocked on the door.

“Come in!”

They walked inside and stood in front of the desk.

“I see you didn’t get the case,” he began,” but they did inform me that Interrogation Room 6 is now occupied by one Terry Clarke. I think that means we caught ourselves a dirt king?”

“Indeed we did, sir. Although he wasn’t the only familiar face we ran into,” said Harry.

“The woman?” asked Johnson, raising his eyebrows.

“Unfortunately yes,” Harry replied,” not to mention she got the case.”

“Did she now?”

“Yes, she vanished with it as soon as she acquire it and left her henchmen to keep us occupied,” said Rose.

“And there were some very interesting things mentioned by our friend on that rooftop, things that I could see were making the woman very uncomfortable if not straight up terrified,” added Harry.

“Such as?”

“The Order of Wesemonesas,” said Harry,” whatever that means.”

“The Order you say...well I have heard of them….but they were disbanded many years ago. Most of its members were killed off and some were….scattered.”

“But this Clarke was talking about it as if they still existed,” said Harry.

“The Order of old exists no more. No living being wears that mantle,” he said," of that I can assure you."  Rose frowned at that. Great...so what is this order? Maybe opening that case will give us some answers. Or Clarke.

“Okay...I’ll take your word for it,” said Harry. The tone wasn’t very convincing to Rose. He definitely didn’t believe that. Hmm...at least Johnson seems to have bought the lie.

“So...the Cursed Objects team reported back. I believe I believe the diagnostic enchantments were finished and they are ready to open it,” said Johnson after a moment of awkward silence.

“Is it open?” asked Harry, now looking excited.

“No...I told them that you two would probably like to be there for that.”

“You got that right,” agreed Harry.

“So where is it? Can we go?” Rose asked. Time to see what’s in the damned thing.

“It’s currently being kept in Recon 1. It's one of the high security containment units and the team is on standby. They’ve been waiting for the past fifteen minutes or so. You two can head over there right away.”

“Okay, aren’t you joining us?” asked Rose.

“No, I have other matters to deal with. I’ll come to see the contents once it has been opened.”

“Okay, sir. We’ll go then. Come on Rose. Let’s go see what’s inside that thing,” said Harry and rushed out. Rose nodded to Johnson and rushed out after him.

The two of them made the quick trek to the door marked Recon 1, which was only a few doors down the hallway from Johnson’s office. Harry burst through the door like a five year old bursting into a candy store. Such a lovable idiot sometimes. Rose spent a few seconds smiling at the memories that the thought dredged up. Then she remembered the case. She shook her head. Focus Rose.

It was very different from most of the other Recon rooms. This one was dedicated for studying dangerous objects that they either had to acquire or were accidentally retrieved while on missions. The lime green walls had seen better days. Several scars of previous curse breaking operations littered the walls; Scorch marks, random sections of plaster (where acid had melted the walls) and even the occasional hole left particularly powerful cursed projectiles that managed to punch through the five layers of wards. Large containment fields were placed in cordoned off areas. Currently only one of them were in use.Standing around perimeter, the curse breaker team stood: Agent Janet, Agent Jessica and Agent Krats. The three of them were looking quite impatient. Harry was already calling out to them, gesturing at the briefcase, no doubt asking about the enchantments. Rose hurried to catch up.

Jessica was explaining the locks. “There are three actual locks according to the mechanical analysis…”

“And four magical layers on top of that. Quite the combo they have,” added Janet.

“It’s a very well done piece of magic,” said Krats,” there's a sequence these locks have to be unlocked in. Or else…”

“Things go BOOM,” finished Harry.

“How did you..,’ began Jessica.

“First hand experience,” explained Rose, jumping in.

“I’m not even going to ask,” said Janet,” shall we get to opening this thing then?” She gestured at the unassuming black briefcase sitting in the center. It looked about as unremarkable as a case could possibly get.

Harry nodded vigorously. Rose stared at the case. They’d done a lot of hard work getting that case. About damn time we know what’s inside. She nodded her own confirmation.

Jessica beamed. “Time to crack this thing open.”


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Wed Jun 08, 2022 2:55 pm
Otterpop wrote a review...



Heya Harry! So since a lot of these have plenty of reviews already I won't go quite as in-depth with some of my reviews for these chapters/sections (I could end up repeating what a lot of people may have already mentioned!), but I will still leave some hopefully useful feedback for you.

I remembered a fair deal from the last time I left a review (mostly regarding character and some of the story) so luckily I didn't have to go back and read previous sections. This was an interesting little section here with some story but lots of character moments I felt. In particular, I was getting a little more personality from Johnson. I will admit to not liking him too much at first, but like Rose thought, he's just a loveable idiot (maybe slight arsehole too). I definitely trust Johnson a little more but it was just as obvious to me as it was to Rose that he was still hiding some things from his own subordinates. That said there's still this unspoken trust between them and that's the biggest reason why I'm not hating on or suspicious of Johnson too much.

And speaking of characters, Harry is definitely at it again with being concerned over Rose's well-being. Having read through lots of previous chapters I'm finding myself on a little bit of a fence here. On one hand I recognize they have a history and Harry still gives Rose plenty of room to make decisions and mistakes and of course there's a lot of respect and trust between them, but on the other hand it seems like an overly concerned parent. These elements combined make it a little tricky to really gauge their relationship and ... support it I guess? There is still likely a lot of information I'm missing, or information that has yet to be revealed about their relationship, but it was just something that caught my attention here, and it kind of a personal preference-like thing for me.

Plot-wise, there's still a lot of mystery and intrigue here which does keep me hooked. I do appreciate that you had plenty of [what might be?] subtle worldbuilding in the first few sections, but less in these sections. It really prevents an information overload for me and allows me in recent chapters to focus more on the plot and characters instead.

Not much else to say though I did notice one thing to recheck:

Orange grabbed the man roughly, nodded to them, and vanished in a flash of light.


To clarify, both Orange and Terry disappeared, right? If so you might want to make that clearer.

Can't think of anything else to say! Look forward to reading through future sections/chapters with not too in-depth of reviews but still [hopefully] some valuable feedback!




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Sat Sep 18, 2021 12:58 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

That was a very good start to the chapter. Especially after the prolonged struggle, we have finally reached an interesting point. I liked the dynamics in the chapter, how a lot of things were resolved in the dialogues, so it was much easier to follow the story.

I really liked how you left everything very structured and didn't create a kind of timeskip to get straight to Johnson. It was an exciting mystery with this Order and I like to read that apparently they should no longer exist. It reminds me a bit of my story. :D I also like that you put a detail in there with the coat, taking the focus off the briefcase for a brief moment.

Now I'm very curious to see what we'll find in there and also curious to see how the plot will continue. Since the beginning of the chapter is very promising, I expect a lot from Harry and his comments that will surprise the reader.

Chapter 6
The Many Ways to Die While Opening a Briefcase

Your titles are always so direct and most of time with a sense of humour. :D

"But that was in...," began Terry

I´m not sure if after three dots a comma is needed, so I´m just writing it here…

"You could have used a sleep spell?” asked Rose.

Here again, I´m a bit unsure about it, but I´m assuming, that a full stop would fit better, or rephrase it like “Couldn't you have used a sleep spell?”

Hit by scrambler.Target in custody.

Here´s a space missing between the two sentences.

I believe I believe the diagnostic

I would add a comma here.

“Things go BOOM,” finished Harry.
“How did you..,’ began Jessica.

The bang caused Jessica to underuse a full stop in her sentence and it now hangs there as a comma. Also, the inverted comma has lost a part. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!



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Fri Sep 25, 2020 10:05 pm
keystrings wrote a review...



Hello there! Thank you for requesting a review. I hope this helps.

I think Terry is my favorite character in this, mostly because I feel most sympathetic for him. In his honest defense, he is attacked at his own home, with his cat beside him, all because of a case that he picked up in the middle of a very weird situation. Not to mention, I don't recall Harry or Rose announcing themselves or anything when they arrived at his apartment the first time, or like said anything about their work/why they need the case. Who knows, maybe if people talked to each other, some of these things wouldn't have occurred. Or not, but it's fun to consider.

I like getting some of this description, so now we've explored multiple areas/levels where Harry and Rose work, which I like, and I think we could even get some more of area description, just to distinguish each section as best as we can. I will take this opportunity also to recommend either limiting the sheer number of new characters you introduce, if not just in this chapter, but the story overall, or by describing these characters a lot more so that the reader can tell them apart.

This chapter was pretty good! ^^ I'm curious to see the second half of this, which seems like it's going to be more about testing the actual case and perhaps we get to learn more about Terry's backstory, and/or maybe Harry and Rose will tell him more about why they beat him up/arrested him in the first place. Interesting stuff here!




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Mon Sep 14, 2020 1:07 pm
MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey! Andrew here to review. This chapter definitely is a good build-up for the briefcase reavele, but much of it seems forced. Furthermore, our so far very likable duo becomes less likable in there not to nice arrest.
First of all, Terrys got a really good point. As far as I am aware in the first fight had with Terry they never explained they were the police, so arguably he couldn't know he was fighting the government. And then they just straight-up broke into his house and attacked him, once again without being like, "Hey, we are the police and work for the government(?) please give us that case." And they didn't even have a search warrant! (I don't know if that's a thing in this world.) On that note, I think some context about the world could really help me understand what's going on. Do they work for a secret magic government? The normal government, but this part of it is secret? Is this the magic FBI? Is magic common? Is nice tech common?
So yeah, Terrys got a good point. I feel like with a good lawyer he get could get off clean. But more confusing than that is the way they treated him after the arrest. It was so personal. I am beginning to think these two agents might not be great at there jobs if everything is so personal. Police are trained to take nothing like that, be super calm until it becomes life or death, (and I understand situations can be complicated, and in a matter of seconds it can go from nice to life or death.) But they didn't seem to be treating him this way to protect themselves, and make sure he can't hurt them, but just because they were pissed.
I can see you're trying to build this romance between Harry and Rose, but Harry's complete blindness to reason because love isn't romantic, but in my opinion, it's just kinda annoying.
But, if you are trying to show how he's a flawed character and his love for Rose makes him a bad agent, then more power to you. You succeeded greatly.

But into specifics!
Here is an ever-widening list of weird quotation mark spaces.

" you have the right to remain silent. Save the explanations for the interrogation."

Finish the Miranda rights rose! (unless Miranda rights aren't a thing here)
" you attacked one of our agents. That's more than enough."

he said simply," he had that coming.”

Orange replied, nodding to them in turn," I was told we have a prisoner." Apricot simply gave them a bow.

"I’m still getting used to teleporting three people at once, but, otherwise I'm okay,” she replied, giving them a smile,” I was just sitting here the whole day. What about the two of you? You're the ones on the main mission going on these days.”

I see you didn’t get the case,” he began,” but they did inform me that Interrogation Room 6 is now occupied by one Terry Clarke. I think that means we caught ourselves a dirt king?”

Also, this is the same wording as harry a bit ago. You have fallen into the difficult trap of everyone-talks-like-the-author.
“Unfortunately yes,” Harry replied,” not to mention she got the case.”

“The Order of Wesemonesas,” said Harry,” whatever that means.”

“The Order of old exists no more. No living being wears that mantle,” he said," of that I can assure you."

Well, that's terrifying. #undead . (also comma after that.)
“It’s a very well done piece of magic,” said Krats,” there's a sequence these locks have to be unlocked in. Or else…”

Normally you use an ellipse if they trail off, and a hyphen if they are cut off. But that's just a style choice.

I assume you can read, Mr. Clarke," he said, almost bashing Terry in the nose with it.

Jeez harry, he's being so compliant.
“I’m not even going to ask,” said Janet,” shall we get to opening this thing then?” She gestured at the unassuming black briefcase sitting in the center. It looked about as unremarkable as a case could possibly get.

Also, I would turn that comma after Janet said into a period.
So, I think that's all of the weird quote spaces!

Yaa...probably the best thing to do. Anyway...how's your cut? Do you think you need the potion?"

Yeah*
"So.." began Rose before stopping as a flash of yellow light indicated the arrival of the extraction team.

So... Don't forget that third dot!
“You okay, Bethany,” asked Harry, removing his hand from her shoulder.

Question mark.
"Uh huh...the usual then," she observed,” see you around then. I have to go.”

Double use of then is clunky. And it should be uh-huh, with a hyphen.

currently only one of them were in use.Standing around perimeter, the curse breaker team stood:

Space after the period, was not were, and the perimeter.

“How did you..,’ began Jessica.

Question mark, not a comma. Also a full quote at the end, not the half little '.
But that's all just my two cents! Hope it helped!
Overall, an interesting transition chapter, just clunky in some places. Really does build everything up, and revile the flaws of Harry. I'm excited to see what comes next!
Thanks, and keep writing!
-Andrew




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Tue Sep 01, 2020 5:20 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ooh I'm only one behind! That's good, because I was under the impression I had missed at least two or three. I've reread the end of the last chapter so hopefully am back in the swing of it but it's been a little while since I've read/reviewed this one so you may have to be patient if I get things wrong.

"But...how do you even have the authority to do that?" asked Terry.

Not sure I'd even think to ask that if someone was handcuffing me like it was the most natural thing in the world to do but ok Terry.

"But that was in...," began Terry but was cut off by an uppercut to the chin. He dropped like a sack of potatoes. Rose looked at him quizzically.

Much as I enjoy unnecessary violence, I agree with Rose on this one. Won't he get in trouble for hitting someone when they're already detained?

"Morning, Orange, Apricot," greeted Harry.

They sound like a fantastic duo!

“You okay, Bethany,” asked Harry, removing his hand from her shoulder.

Shouldn't this be a question?

The two of them nodded in reply and the woman left the room. Rose took a moment to look around. They had landed in the operations lounge, one of the smaller rooms in the agency.

I feel like you could use this as an opportunity for description - break up the speech/ action a little.

Well this got even more interesting.

Is someone thinking this?

"Hopefully. We can probably know a whole lot more if we can open that damn case," he said.

"Definitely," Rose replied," it should happen soon." This gets even more convoluted. What on Earth is in that damn case?

Two points on this one. What should happen soon? And secondly, you've got two characters referring to the 'damn' case here. Maybe it would help differentiate their characters if they didn't both use your favourite word ;)

“Yes, she vanished with it as soon as she acquire it and left her henchmen to keep us occupied,” said Rose.

acquired

I think the pacing is going well here, although sometimes I think it would be nice to slow down and have some description. You do well with the speech and action but it would be great to have them balanced out a bit!

My other nitpick is still around your main character voices. I don't know if it's because they all think/say damn a lot but I'm not sure I could tell them apart at all if I didn't know who was speaking. I often find it can be helpful to sit down and write a brief description of my character's wants/fears/likes/dislikes etc. It can really build them that bit further and help to differentiate them from one another.

I can't wait to see what's in the case!

Sorry this was late, but hope it was still helpful!

Icy




KateHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!

Ooh I'm only one behind! That's good, because I was under the impression I had missed at least two or three. I've reread the end of the last chapter so hopefully am back in the swing of it but it's been a little while since I've read/reviewed this one so you may have to be patient if I get things wrong.


Ahh no worries.

Also letting you in on a little secret. I don't post a new chapter until all my regular reviewers have reviewed a part. I wait because I sometimes have to make large changed because of reviews then I end up having to write the new chapters again so this is easier and lazier.

-Let's say Terry's been in a few pickles before.

-He would actually....this is me trying to show that he wouldn't care because Terry fired that spell at Rose.

-Oops yes that is a question.

-Hmm I actually put a description there then decided against it because we won't really that place again. Now I'll have to reconsider.

-Yes...must fix...when I copy paste this all the italics vanish so I miss a couple sometimes.

-She's referring to the case being opened.
-Eeep guess I'll have to work harder on that.

-Umm...This was sort of an attempt to balance out part 2 of this chapter....you'll see what I mean. If that doesn't work then maybe I should disperse dialog more evenly.

-I'll work on that more.

-It was definitely still helpful.

Thanks again Icy for another wonderful review! :D



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Sat Aug 22, 2020 10:05 pm
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hi Harry!

Nice start of the chapter... I’m very curious how the rest of this will play out. So far I think the pacing is well done, although there were a few spots I would have liked to see a bit more information, such as Orange/Apricot descriptions.

"Wings, Prickle," Orange replied, nodding to them in turn," I was told we have a prisoner." Apricot simply gave them a bow.


This is really the only description we get of them, and even though they seem like side/unimportant characters I think it would be nice to have more physical descriptions! Such as just a bit of what they look like, or maybe they’re wearing some special organization uniform? Because otherwise it’s a bit... “oop, who are these people?” yaknow?

"But...how do you even have the authority to do that?" asked Terry. Harry produced his badge and flashed it in Terry's face.


Other comment! This is a but unrelated to this^^ but this scene made me think of it: are these organizations /magic sort of like an undercover thing, or are they a big part of this world? Mostly this just made me think of it because Terry asked “do they have authority” and it sorta made me think if there’s like a “normal” police sort of people or if magic + organizations have the authority in those departments.

Anyway, I’m very excited to see WHAT is in inside that case. And Harry and Rose not knowing either sort of adds another fun element to this because they don’t actually know all the details of the organization they’re working for/don’t know all the details of their mission. Makes me wonder how the contents of the case will affect the story and characters!!

Can’t wait to read the rest of the chapter,
Peace,
~EternalRain




KateHardy says...


Thank you for another review!!!

Ahh...yaa I think I just glossed over them there because side characters...I'll add some more in.

Ohh...well everyone in the world uses magic, that's like a normal thing...only difference is some can use more of it than others. And this is actually sort of like the CIA or FBI I guess. They do have normal police but these guys are the secret agents.

Thanks again!!!



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Thu Aug 20, 2020 2:27 pm
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Hijinks wrote a review...



Hi Harry! I'm here for Chapter 6.1!

I think this chapter was a good length - it feels a bit like a link between two more plot-driven chapters, if that makes sense, and I think it's a good thing to have some breathers. It also gives you the opportunity to develop the friendship (???) between Rose and Harry, which is also great! I like the little details like when Harry knocks Terry out - that's a good example of showing and not telling! One thing I would say about that, though, is that it might not be necessary for Harry to give an explanation to Rose, it seems a bit too direct. I personally would just let his action speak for itself, but that's just an opinion, so up to you!

One nitpick I have overall for this chapter is that there are a lot of "..."s. That's not an inherently bad thing, but using a lot of those can make the writing feel a bit weaker - I would recommend using them more sparsely so they have more of an effect when you do use them. Maybe only use them when a character is really uncertain about something, as opposed to whenever they're trailing off a thought. For example, instead of Terry saying

"But...I was trying to..." protested Terry.

You could write it more like this:
"But - I was trying to -" protested Terry.

and save those ellipses for later ;)

I also feel like this chapter is maybe a bit dialogue-heavy. I would suggest trying to work some more descriptions in - of the characters, the setting, even just their thoughts/emotions (you've already got a good amount of those, though, so I'd recommend focusing the most on describing characters & setting).

Now for some more specific comments/nitpicks ~

“Okay.” Well this got even more interesting.

Little detail, I think you need the second part of this line italicized as (I believe) it's something Rose is thinking.

"Hopefully. We can probably know a whole lot more if we can open that damn case," he said.
"Definitely," Rose replied," it should happen soon." This gets even more convoluted. What on Earth is in that damn case?

I feel like you could replace on of these "damn"s with another word, especially since they're said/thought by two different people. That's something I've noticed about all your characters, actually - they all seem to say "damn" when feeling strongly about something - and I think one way to sort of differentiate your characters more would be to give each of them a different "signature phrase".

Several scars of previous curse breaking operations littered the walls; Scorch marks, random sections of plaster (where acid had melted the walls) and even the occasional hole left particularly powerful cursed projectiles that managed to punch through the five layers of wards.

This is a really great description - I'd like to see more descriptions like these! Just a couple little grammar things - "scorch" should be lowercase and I think you need "by" after "left".

Currently only one of them were in use.Standing around perimeter, the curse breaker team stood: Agent Janet, Agent Jessica and Agent Krats.

"Were" should be "was", since the subject is singular - and teensy thing, you're missing a space after "use". Also, in this second sentence, it's a bit redundant to say "standing" and then "stood"; I think you could just write is as "the curse breaker team stood around the perimeter" or something like that.

Jessica beamed. “Time to crack this thing open.”

Ooh what's gonna be inside?

Overall, another interesting chapter! I think more variety in punctuation ("...") and vocabulary ("damn") would make it just a bit stronger. I hope you find this useful and if you've got any questions just ask!

whatchamacallit




KateHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!

It also gives you the opportunity to develop the friendship (???) between Rose and Harry,


;)

Hmm...I think I might actually remove that. I did actually think that part of the dialogue was a bit awkward but I kept it in to see what you guys though.

Hmm....I do use that a lot. I think because I usually pause a lot when I talk that just seeps in there without knowing. I'll definitely try to limit those.

Hmm the dialogue, actually that was kind of to balance part 2 of this which has very low dialogue as they actually open that thing. I'll try to distribute it more evenly.

Ooops. When I copy this from Google Docs the italics get taken out. I've been lucky to not miss any so far but this time it looks like one slipped through.

Ahh I think the real problem is that "damn" is my signature phrase and all my characters end up getting that. Definitely something I have to be mindful of for draft2.

Several scars of previous curse breaking operations littered the walls; Scorch marks, random sections of plaster (where acid had melted the walls) and even the occasional hole left particularly powerful cursed projectiles that managed to punch through the five layers of wards.

I have no idea how that standing followed by stood thing made it past draft 1. Brain fart moment there.

Ooh what's gonna be inside?


:D

It was very useful as always!!

Thanks again!!



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Sun Aug 16, 2020 3:55 am
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sturmfrei wrote a review...



HEY PERSON!!!!!!!!

I'm starting from a middle chapter, which is not smart. I hope my review will make up for it.

Onto the review. I really enjoyed all of conversations between people. It's realistic because I can imagine people talking like that. It also shows the friendship between the two characters, which is a great sign of character development.

There are a few grammar things to pick at too ---

"They walked in silence till *the* were in front of the familiar name plate. Rose knocked on the door."

"The" sounds really strange in that context, so I think "they" would work better.

BYE!!!!





I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content