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Young Writers Society



Children with Stars in their Veins (Chapter 38.1)

by mellifera


a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3

*

[Ember]



Ember missed her parents.

It wasn't as though she hadn't before, or as if it had suddenly onset her after sitting long forgotten after the fire. But so much had been happening, and she couldn't stop thinking about the fire and its cause that she had not stopped so much to think about them. It was terrible of her and she knew it.

She missed Mama's kiss on her forehead every morning, and Mother's stern but kindly voice. Sitting on her knee and reading a book, or sitting in the common space and just... being together.

And she didn't know if they were all right. They didn't even know if she was all right. Could they even go home?

Was the Chronicler's Guild even home anymore?

She had asked Enoch about Chromium. Technically, she had no obligations or need to go there. It was just a place she had been born. She had not grown up there, she had never seen it or at least, not beyond what an infant would have seen.

The way Enoch described it... An underground metropolis. Wall hewn from the very stone it was carved into, veins of copper and gold and silver and other metals and ores running raw though it, untouched in the public spaces and left as a decorum. The gargoyles, sitting high atop the walls and on lookout for any aberrant behaviour.

And the best blacksmiths in the world lived in Chromium. If someone was wearing jewellery, it was probably from Chromium. The horseshoes they nailed to their horses hooves were likely made by a smithy in Chromium. Kettles, weapons, hinges, utensils, how much of it was exported from Chromium? What about the great inventions like walking carriages? And Heaven's Keep may have made the most use of the airships, but she knew who contributed largely to the creation of them.

He had not told her why he had left. He had not told her about his sword, and what it implied, or how he had come to kidnap kids on the road whom he would come to look after instead.

She picked at a patch of dead, wet grass. It hung limp from her fingers, and she frowned at it.

"What are you doing out here all alone?"

She turned to see Danica, who must have just gotten back from their food supply run, since she was carrying a large basket with her. Rowan was trailing behind her, holding a smaller basket. They murmured something to her, and she handed them the basket. They disappeared into the barn with the baskets, precariously holding them by themself.

Ember turned back away, staring out at the land that stretched beyond her, and the view that was summarily cut off by the wall surrounding the Blessed Gates. She grabbed a nearby rock, and threw it. It clattered and landed dead in the grass several feel away.

"We've been stuck here for a while, we don't go out much because of the stupid Grey Masks. We don't even know why these random guys are after us, or why they set the Citadel on fire." She curled her hands into fists and clonked it against the ground. “It's stupid.”

Behind, the barn door creaked again. She glanced over her shoulder again as Danica sat beside her on the damp ground. She was wearing a pelt wrapping now, as opposed to the armour she had worn for a while when they had first met her, Hypatis, and Cadelia.

Ori made their way over to them, and sat on Ember's other side. "You're not getting into trouble with Cassius? I assumed the first thing you two would do is start stirring up mischief."

She scowled. "He's eating off Hypatis' fork. He's placated."

To her annoyance, it made Ori's mouth twitch into a smile. "I can't tell if you mean that figuratively or literally, and whether that's supposed to be gross or not."

She rolled her eyes. "No, not literally. That's be even more disgusting than those two already are."

Danica chuckled. "They're young and they like each other. It's not so strange. It's natural, for some."

Ember gagged. "It's gross. He's my best friend, and I have to watch him make stupid eyes at Hypatis whenever he's near. And Hypatis allows him to do it. It's just... ugh."

"Perhaps one day you will see what he's so stupid about then," Ori said. "The person who catches your eye would be a very remarkable person indeed."

She rolled her eyes. "Uh huh." She picked at the grass again. "Dani, you're taking Hypatis and Caddy up to Glacier's Keep, aren't you?"

"That was what we set out for. I thought you and Enoch and the others were coming with us?"

She frowned and pulled the furred parka around her tighter. She wasn't cold, she was actually quite warm. She needed the closeness, maybe. She liked the softness of it.

"I want to go to Chromium."

"What was that?"

She cleared her throat. "I said, I want to go to Chromium."

Neither Ori nor Danica responded. She didn't look up at them, cheeks warming and feeling silly for even suggesting it. Just because she wanted to go to Chromium didn't mean that everyone else did. What about going back to the Citadel? What about Isadora and Mishal and the rest of the expedition?

The grass crunched behind her. "You want to go to Chromium?"

She turned, as did Danica and Ori, to see Enoch standing several yards away, arms folded over his chest and frowning. She scooted around up she was facing him.

"I want to go to Chromium," she repeated. "I suppose you're going to say that's a bad idea?"

Enoch glanced towards Danica, then back at her. He approached, cautiously. "Depends on the circumstances. I don't know why you'd want to go there when Glacier's Keep is so close. Do the others know about this?"

"No," she said. "I was saying what I wanted. Chromium is where... Well, it sounds really cool. And I don't want to be in the cold, especially for the winter. Besides, if the gargoyles work so well in Chromium, it'll mean I can actually go places, and I don't have to worry about those dumb Grey Masks because the gargoyles will tear them to shreds if they try to touch me, if I don't get to it first."

"You would have a very good chance to get a blacksmithing apprenticeship too, if you wanted," Ori pointed out. “Anyone would be a fool not to take you.”

She stared down at her hands. "Yeah. I know. And I want to see the smithies. I want to see the great forges and I want to see other masters work and I want to see more. But I also... I don't want just anyone else to teach me. I was supposed to work with Laska, until... I don't know. Coming-of-age. Maybe Margaretta would have sent us all on stupid expeditions to see the dumb ruins though, once we were all old enough."

"The ruins?" Danica asked. "You mean like, the cursed ruins?"

"Cursed ruins is a wives' tale," Enoch snorted.

Ember set upon him her best withering glare. "It could be. Why does nobody know what's in them? Why do the kingdoms fall? Why do people disappear when they go there?"

"Fabricated stories. Besides, you mean to tell me that a whole group of people you know willingly went to a place they knew they were disappear if they went to?" Enoch asked. "That's ridiculous, and a stupid plan besides."

"But that's just the thing," Ori interjected. "If someone can figure out what is going on in the ruins, and why nobody knows what is in them or why they became ruins in the first place, it would be huge. A massive breakthrough. And that's not even telling what kind of strange magic may be in them. It could even be what people call a curse, but could be some form of twisted magic or... well, it could be anything."

Enoch rolled his eyes, but Danica watched Ori with curiosity. "But if everyone disappears, how would anyone know how to figure it out? What would make any undertaking less dangerous."

Ori bent their head and stared towards the ground. "I have an idea about it, about why Margaretta thinks she can get in, but I'm not certain yet. It's probably nothing."

Ember twisted. "Do you really? What then? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

They looked pointedly at her. "Because it was only something that I recently learned that got me thinking about it."

"What was it?"

Ori shook their head. "It's nothing, Em. Really. It could be nothing."

She frowned. It wasn't like Ori to not talk about the ruins, or their speculations about them. But then again, Ori liked to mysterious too, so there was no telling what they would or would not reveal at any given time. She shrugged and pulled her knees up to her chest.



word count:

1,504




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Mon Nov 09, 2020 10:13 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey c:

Ember missed her parents... It was terrible of her and she knew it.


Nooo it's not! <3 She's had so much on her mind and plate that it makes total sense she hasn't thought about her parents. But now that I think about, I'm seriously wondering what happened to them. I hope we get to find out soon

Was the Chronicler's Guild even home anymore?


I'm guessing not :( but it can always be your home in your heart

And the best blacksmiths in the world lived in Chromium.


AHH of course. It's so neat how the characters in one way or another are influenced by their birth place

Kettles, weapons, hinges, utensils, how much of it was exported from Chromium?


Made in China Chromium xD

Ember gagged. "It's gross. He's my best friend, and I have to watch him make stupid eyes at Hypatis whenever he's near. And Hypatis allows him to do it. It's just... ugh."


Yeah, this makes it sound like they're siblings cx

The grass crunched behind her. "You want to go to Chromium?"


I'm imagining Enoch's reaction when he figures out who the kids really are. I wonder when he'll get to find out!

"Fabricated stories. Besides, you mean to tell me that a whole group of people you know willingly went to a place they knew they were disappear if they went to?" Enoch asked. "That's ridiculous, and a stupid plan besides."


He just roasted so many people oof xD

Chromium sounds like such a cool place, and it's perfect for Ember! I really hope we get to go, because I want to see gargoyles and Ember getting a blacksmith apprenticeship sounds very exciting.

Also, I'm pretty sure we read Rowan's theory some chapters back, but I wonder if they thought more about it and have some more ideas that haven't been introduced and ooh I hope they reveal it soon because I want to know c:




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 2:57 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Poor Ember. :( I miss her Mama and her Mother too. They were separated too sooooon I loved them all so much. //sob

I'm glad we're getting to know these extra characters a little better. So far, they seem like convenient ways for the main cast to express themselves and slowly start to piece together what's been going on in their lives. And I'm totally okay with that because I love that they're starting to catch up with the reader AND answer some of the reader's questions at the same time. It's like pulling teeth but it's also like anxiously looking forward to them acting on their discoveries.

AND FREAKING UNITING WITH THE OTHERS BECAUSE HNNNNNNNNNG

But I still wonder if they'll play a part in the bigger picture or not. I'm just so curious and intrigued. c:

CAN WE GO TO CHROMIUM I hope we're going to Chromium omg. This is turning into such an Epic but that would be amazing to get a glimpse into Chromium now and like SO MUCH EXPLORATION. Did you plan all this worldbuilding beforehand?! It's amazing how it started out as just a mysterious citadel but has, over time, turned into such a HUGE and RICH world filled with various cultures and politics and magic arts and mythical creatures and I just. I just LOVE IT ALL SO MUCH. Is there a map?!

I got so off topic there. I really adore this idea of Ember wanting to visit Chromium. I've noticed how it's continually brought up how much Ember loves blacksmithing. I think we only actually glimpsed her craft once or twice, so I'd love to see a little more awe and fascination in how things are made. I'll bet Enoch's got an impressive sword or helm from his knight days, or what if she recognized the style of Danica's armor (though I can't remember if she wore plate or not aha) but stuff like that. Basically, I keep forgetting she's a blacksmith until I'm reminded of it, and she clearly has a very strong passion for it, but she's not really expressing it all that much. Not like how a musician is always humming/swaying or a runner is always finding an excuse to get up and move around.

Enoch and Ember are among my favorite duos of characters in this so far, as you probably already know very well, and I just. love that Enoch is here to mentor her through this conversation?! He also sounds very Adult here, very Mentorish compared to past conversations. But it still makes me smile that Enoch is Ember's Wise Wizard guy, you know? They're so cute.

THAT RUINS NAMEDROP THO.

I don't think.. even Enoch knows about the ruins, does he? I can't honestly.. remember. I don't think they ever told him that. They never had reason to since he was their captor until a short while ago. So now not only does Danica know about the ruins but Enoch does as well. But OMG do I love that Enoch doesn't care. He doesn't believe in them being cursed and I LOVE THAT SO MUCH. It totally fits 'cause he seems like someone who sees everything at face value. He seems very practical in a way and believes with his eyes. So the fact that it doesn't even faze him is so perfect. And perfect for Ember and the children (or is it DOOM??? HMMMM???) because he won't be scared away at the sight/mention of the ruins and I just. yes.

But hey, what a great way to segway into the ruins ahahaha. It's good to hear an outsider's perspective on the ruins, a seemingly regular sane person who believes in the curse surrounding the ruins. Danica is very cautious about them and probably wouldn't accompany anyone there, or she'd at least be very.. well, cautious. Anyway, this entire segment totally led up to this moment where Rowan drops a hint about having a suspicion and as the reader I just waNT TO SHAKE THEM AND SAY SPIT IT OUT because I know they're right and I'm just so dying to see where this all leads and omg.

but hey, how cute is it that Ember is just like "oh they're just being Rowan" when they refuse to say anything. I wonder if Rowan isn't saying anything because they're accompanied by Danica and Enoch right now. Eithe waY I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE THINKING.

Anyhoot. The conversation here had some gems in it, so I'm happy we're still working to figure out the plot. There isn't much else going on right now, so the conversations are what's keeping the pace up alright for me. But I am totally ready to see where the plot will take the from here!




mellifera says...


THERE IS A MAP HERE ACTUALLY. been thinking about changing it lately but!! for now, this is Map.

also omg I've been trying so hard with the worldbuilding but a lot of it that is in the story came to in the moment since I spent so much time on the plot and the worldbuilding exclusively important to that that all the rest of it got neglected *cries* but!! I'm glad it comes across better in practise than it is behind the scenes xD

ye, Enoch doesn't know about the ruins in terms of like, the children yet. they still be keeping secrets ;) (also!! yea I feel like there's quite a few fantasy writers who will like, introduce something that is really unknown, but for some reason everyone believes the exact same thing about it? so I wanted there to be very different views all across Stellarsyl about what the ruins are and what's going on with them!)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEWS <3 I'm so glad your back I love your commentary!!



JabberHut says...


omg it's beautiful. I'm totally referencing this now as I read, thank you so much.

DUDE I totally relate to that too. Worldbuilding, as fun as it is, doesn't come first for me 'cause I'm so plot focused. XD But fortunately, as you write, some of these worldbuilding things can sometimes just come out anyway SO IT WORKS OUT.



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Atticus wrote a review...



Hi again mel! I'm back at it with another review, brought to you by RevMo.

I really enjoyed the description of Chromium in this chapter. Your brief description of it was enough to intrigue me, and I enjoyed the carefully constructed world-building that you slipped into this chapter. This was also the first time that I met some of these characters, but I'll go more in-depth on my impressions later in this review. First, I'd like to discuss my impression of your, you guessed it, pacing. What would you do without me constantly critiquing your pacing every 1,000-2,000 words??

While I felt that the speed of the action balanced with the conversation was good, this was the first chapter where I felt a little lost with all of the plot elements that were thrown at me. Of course, part of that is my fault for just jumping into the fortieth chapter of a novel, but it may? be worth considering if there's just a little too much packed into this chapter or if there's a way to slow the information that's being delivered to the reader.

So something I've noticed somewhat consistently throughout the chapters I've read is that you tend to avoid inserting body language and movements during conversations. By doing this, you miss out on a huge opportunity to describe the emotions of the characters without doing this through dialogue tags (which can get quite cumbersome after some time) or through saying "This character felt sad" (even worse). While you did have a few brief motions (This person frowned, this person twitched, etc.), more extended motions would take this even further and better set an emotional landscape for these conversations. When you've set that landscape, you can continue to shape character arcs, further your plot development, etc.

I hope all of this was helpful and coherent to you, I may or may not have written this at the end of a long day on 3 hours of sleep. If you have any questions please feel free to reach out!

Best,
Tuck




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Fri Jul 24, 2020 3:18 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Another double post!! You're spoiling me....now I always want double posts.

First Impression: And we're back to the gang again. Things getting interesting...Rowan is getting ridiculously close to figuring it all out. Or is he?

Anyway let's get right to it,

She missed Mama's kiss on her forehead every morning, and Mother's stern but kindly voice. Sitting on her knee and reading a book, or sitting in the common space and just... being together.


No....why would you pull at our heartstrings like this? Very evil.

The way Enoch described it... An underground metropolis. Wall hewn from the very stone it was carved into, veins of copper and gold and silver and other metals and ores running raw though it, untouched in the public spaces and left as a decorum. The gargoyles, sitting high atop the walls and on lookout for any aberrant behaviour.


We have a callback to the gargoyles....they didn't seem that effective last time though. The princess go stolen right under their noses.

And the best blacksmiths in the world lived in Chromium. If someone was wearing jewellery, it was probably from Chromium. The horseshoes they nailed to their horses hooves were likely made by a smithy in Chromium. Kettles, weapons, hinges, utensils, how much of it was exported from Chromium? What about the great inventions like walking carriages? And Heaven's Keep may have made the most use of the airships, but she knew who contributed largely to the creation of them.


Now the name "Chromium" makes a lot more sense.

She scowled. "He's eating off Hypatis' fork. He's placated."


*starts coughing violently*

She rolled her eyes. "No, not literally. That's be even more disgusting than those two already are."


*breathes sigh of relief*

She cleared her throat. "I said, I want to go to Chromium."


Getting straight to the point I see. Gotta give her points for that.

"No," she said. "I was saying what I wanted. Chromium is where... Well, it sounds really cool. And I don't want to be in the cold, especially for the winter. Besides, if the gargoyles work so well in Chromium, it'll mean I can actually go places, and I don't have to worry about those dumb Grey Masks because the gargoyles will tear them to shreds if they try to touch me, if I don't get to it first."


Think before you speak Ember. You almost slipped up there.

"You would have a very good chance to get a blacksmithing apprenticeship too, if you wanted," Ori pointed out. “Anyone would be a fool not to take you.”


That's a little out of the blue. I know she wants this very much but then isn't the ultimate goal to return to their home and not thing like this. Or maybe I overthought this.

"Cursed ruins is a wives' tale," Enoch snorted.


Very interesting choice of words.

Ori bent their head and stared towards the ground. "I have an idea about it, about why Margaretta thinks she can get in, but I'm not certain yet. It's probably nothing."


You're idea is correct Rowan. Or at least I think so.

She frowned. It wasn't like Ori to not talk about the ruins, or their speculations about them. But then again, Ori liked to mysterious too, so there was no telling what they would or would not reveal at any given time. She shrugged and pulled her knees up to her chest.


Hmm...would Rowan be mysterious if it was something important? That sounds kind of rude.

Aaand that's it.

Overall: Uh...really good chapter(part chapter). Pretty much nothing that I could detect honestly. Not even a typo. (*applause*) Things moving along and I sense that they're close to figuring things out. This continues to get more interesting.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology