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The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 5

by HarryHardy


Chapter 5

The Battle of the Rooftop

Terry dragged his right arm in a circle, a midnight black disc of energy forming on his right arm. It flickered weakly. Oh dear.That's not good. Damn diagnostics. He rolled out of the way as the men peppered the satellite dish with holes. On his left, the man who'd gotten him into this spot in first place, also rolled out, a brightly shimmering blue shield on his right arm. Who the hell is that man? Urrgh...Terry come on you need to focus on not becoming riddled with holes. Questions later. Terry came up standing and poured all the remaining power he had into his shield.

Several rounds of 35 caliber later and his shield had taken significant damage. It was barely holding on, the light flickering like a faulty light bulb. Luckily at that moment, the jellyfish man himself provided a distraction. The man dispelled his shield and jumped forward, transforming in mid air, and landing in front of the two gunmen as a fearsome...A poodle. What? Is this guy off his rocker? The poodle barked in the most intimidating voice it could muster while Terry looked on in confusion almost missing the two bullets that proceeded to shatter his shield. As he dropped to the ground, and fired off a curse, he finally realized that it was probably his scrambler that was responsible for the poodle that was now running under the legs of the other gunman.

In front of him, the other armed gunman dodged his curse, and proceeded to leave several holes in the spot that Terry had just being standing on. He attempted to conjure a fire wall but the spell refused to charge up. Why did this have to happen right after I cast that three hour diagnostic chain? Gahh. He took a quick look back. The roof's edge was only a few feet away. He fired off a weak black lightning bolt to keep the man occupied as he retreated to the edge.

The gunman in front of him dodged the lightning bolt, and stopped to reload. Further away, a very angry dude had replaced the poodle and was currently blasting the other gunman with several volleys of slashers and shards of ice. Well time for me to leave before that one decides to come after me. That's not a fight I'm going to win in this condition. He only hesitated for a moment before he did a backflip right off the edge.

As he fell, he saw the other lady, glowing an iridescent pink, land on the roof where he'd been moments ago. Oh lord, with a shade of pink that ridiculous, it's a small wonder no one runs away after one look at that color. Terry twisted in the air, righting himself. He used the last of very depleted magic reserves to slow his fall down just enough to avoid fracturing anything. He landed heavily, a spike of pain running through his already bruised leg. Thank the gods I wore that armor. If I had forgotten today...I don't even want to think about that. He glanced up at the battle still taking place on the rooftop.

It was a complete warzone. The assault rifles were running through their ammo faster than an ice cream truck on a hot summer day. Blue and Pink curses flew everywhere. Poodle man was goading the gunmen on and darting about doing all sorts of fancy gymnastics. Pink lady was sticking to basics. Her movements were stiff. A flash of guilt ran through Terry. She was just in the way . There's nothing I could have done. Terry continued to study the two. He wanted to leave, get started on looking for wherever that damned woman had taken the briefcase to. I am not letting that case go to them. Not today. Not ever. But that look...why what was she so scared of?

Terry continued to puzzle over it, keeping one eye on the fight. The woman's henchmen had finally run out of ammunition. Beams of energy, orange and brown had joined the fray. They were much duller than the positively glowing pink and blue curses but the sheer number was keeping the other two, probably tired from fighting him, occupied. Terry turned to leave and began walking. I have to get out of here. Or else, without teleportation or magic, I'm a sitting duck.  He stopped. Wait a minute. Those two have the other case...I could just as easily follow them to their hideout or whatever. Maybe even go help them in the fight and gain their favor. Yes that’s much easier. He turned back towards the building and charged inside. Now where is the damn elevator?

There was a bored looking receptionist behind an ancient wooden counter. The walls were painted a drab beige color. He looked around frantically. There were several under watered potted plants near the desk and tucked away in a corner....two steel elevator doors. He ran towards them, ignoring the receptionist's half-hearted call for him to stop, and frantically pressed the button. The display lit up, indicating that the car was currently on the 20th floor. He barely managed to stop himself from punching the control panel.

After twenty grueling seconds, the elevator doors finally opened with a pleasant 'DING' and he rushed in, punching the button to take him to the top floor. The elevator began climbing. Classical music played in the background, only increasing his anger. 24 floors later he charged out, looking for the staircase leading to the roof. That took him another thirty seconds to locate. Why are these things not marked clearly? He charged up the stairs, taking them four at a time. Terry burst through the door and immediately had to duck as an orange beam missed him by inches and blasted the door behind him, splitting it in two.

He concentrated and tried to summon something, anything, to his hand but it was still only the barest flicker of black light. Note to self: Do not charge into battles without a plan. He moved away from the destroyed door, surveying the scene. Poodle man and pink lady were back to back. They were alternating between the offensive and defensive, their fighting styles flowing together like they were executing a well practiced dance. Pink lady was firing off spell chain after spell chain, interlaced with poodle man's shards of ice and lightning bolts. An impressive dome of energy flickered around them. Pink and Blue light interwoven together into one translucent shield that moved with them, absorbing the weak orange and brown light headed their way. As Terry watched, another brown beam bounced off the shield and headed right for him. He rolled under it and slowly approached the two henchmen. Looks like I have to do this the old fashioned way.

He walked up to the men, taking care to stay right behind them to avoid being hit with a lethal jet of pink light or skewered by an ice shard. After a lot of tiptoeing, he came up right behind the man, getting ready to attack from behind. As he positioned his feet to lash out with a punch, a foot connected squarely with Terry's nether regions and he folded like a collapsible lawn chair. The man turned to face Terry, mouth twisted into a sneer. Apparently he had not been fooled by the tiptoeing. 

Fortunately for Terry, that was a big mistake on the part of the man. The pink and blue duo, probably spotting the distraction, both sent out attacks in his direction. The already weakened orange shield the man was hiding behind shattered, and a pink spell chain slammed into the man. Whatever the damage was, it wasn't visible, but the man doubled over in pain.

Terry staggered onto his feet, trying desperately not to fall to his knees as the remaining henchman, distracted by his fallen partner, was skewered through the knee with an ice shard. The man collapsed beside his partner.

The light show on the opposite end of the roof stopped as the shield was dispelled. Both of them were breathing heavily as they walked over to the two fallen henchmen. Before they could do anything, the two henchmen both produced two grenades from their pockets, popped the pins and teleported away. Holy crap.

The poodle man acted fast. He jumped at the grenades, transforming into a gorilla and grabbing them before launching them skyward. Not a moment too soon. The grenades, flung much higher than any man could have flung them, had barely reached the apex of their climb before they exploded, raining shrapnel down on the three of them. A big umbrella shield by the pink lady deflected most of it, with only a couple of the larger pieces falling harmlessly onto the roof, robbed of their momentum.

Terry breathed a sigh of relief as he bent down, putting his hands on his knees, still recovering from the earlier attack. He took a moment to catch his breath and straightened. He straightened, legs still shaky, before offering the two a smile. Time to see if I they are up for a deal.

"Ahh...so Mr. Dirt King, you got a name?" asked the man.

"Clarke. Terry Clarke," replied Terry in between deep breaths," and yours?"

"Oh that's not important...I just need your name for the report," replied the man.

"Wait a minute...what report?" asked Terry.

"You are under arrest as per the orders of S.W.O.R.D the Strategic Worldwide Operations and Reconnaissance Division," said the pink lady moving behind him and roughly grabbing his hands. He felt the cold metal of handcuffs slide around his wrists. Well that backfired spectacularly.

"Arrest report," explained the man," thank you for your cooperation."


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Fri Sep 17, 2021 6:50 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Switching POV's is definitely, something you are good at and show it out in the open. My fear that you might manage to write the thoughts of the individual characters a little too similarly didn't come true either. I am reassured about that. You have created a good overview. You've portrayed Terry as a very hurried and rushed character, with probably a little too little patience too little calculation. He seems to me like this typical "gangster type" who is given difficult missions but always fails them, but somehow you can't get rid of him either. :D

What I like about this POV and that you also manage to portray well in this chapter is how you always don't give the other person a name, but give them nicknames that describe a bit of what has already happened, like here with Harry and Rose. I think it also shows your way that the narrator is not always omnipresent, but acts more like a higher entity, where the POV is just seeing what's in front of the eyes and the entity is also just a few metres away.

But I also found that in this chapter the tension dropped a little. I don't know exactly, I think when I reread some passages it's sometimes because of the sentence structure and you try to write some things in more detail or give information that is probably irrelevant at that point. Because I found, especially in the last few paragraphs, that you ran out of steam a bit there and it felt a bit like chewing gum, like I was balancing as a reader to the last few sentences.

Otherwise, it was a great chapter as usual.

Some other points I noticed while reading:

Several rounds of 35 caliber

Isn't that spelled .35 caliber? I don't have exactly the right idea when it comes to weapons and ammunition, but I think that sounds more correct than writing it without.

front of the two gunmen as a fearsome...A poodle.

I would remove the "a" here so that it flows over better as one sentence. This way it seems more like the sentence is breaking apart and developing into a new one. Besides, Poodle Man is my new favourite superhero.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm..yeah this was a bit of a looong fight sequence, stretching over a couple of chapters, I do see what you mean:D

ALso..xD yes..that should be .35, I go around nitpicking on these in other works and make the same mistake myself :D

Also...xD, glad you like Poodle Man, it was a lot of fun messing around with the scrambling spell :D

Thanks again!!



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Fri Sep 11, 2020 12:45 pm
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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...



Hey! Andrew here with a review. I am really liking Terry. The action is well written here if sometimes a tad hard to follow. I really like seeing of Harry and Rose working well together. Also, it was nice to get the rules of the magic system being defined with getting 'out of juice' thing after using enough magic.

But into specifics!

Oh dear.That's not good.

Space between the period and that's
...A poodle. What? Is this guy off his rocker?

I am very new to this whole magic system but I can tell that's because of the scambler, wouldn't the guy who cast it realize that too?
She was just in the way .

Opposite problem
There was a bored looking receptionist behind an ancient wooden counter.

Can she not hear the gunshots?
"Clarke. Terry Clarke," replied Terry in between deep breaths," and yours?"

I'm so proud of you Harry, I only found one of these!
"You are under arrest as per the orders of S.W.O.R.D the Strategic Worldwide Operations and Reconnaissance Division," said the pink lady moving behind him and roughly grabbing his hands. He felt the cold metal of handcuffs slide around his wrists. Well that backfired spectacularly.

Ha. Sword is a great acronym. Also, that's a great way to end. Btw, well should have a comma after well.
But that's all just my two cents!
Excited to see where this goes!
Thanks, and keep writing.
-Andrew




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Glad you like the SWORD thing.
Ahh...she probably would have xD...just that its the outskirts and those things are fairly common.



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Sat Aug 15, 2020 2:12 am
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JustPerks wrote a review...



Hello, there. Thanks for requesting a review from my thread, and so let's go through this chapter.

I see that the main view point in this section is Terry, so alright. I just remember really that he has at least one cat, has the "dirt king" moniker, and has the "black" magic color. I'm interested to see what else we will see from him.

Ok, so Terry zipping out of his apartment seems to have taken a lot of his energy source, at least on a temporary basis. I almost want to see more signs of his depleted "power" right now since what we're shown seems to be more of a direct thought from Terry about how he had nothing left, but I do like the detail that he couldn't summon anything in the heat of the moment, even knowing that before he hadn't recovered his magic at all.

I try not to point out grammar advice, but I'm not sure if I had noticed this on earlier chapters - since the point of view is past-tense, I would recommend to put Terry's and everyone else's thoughts in past-tense as well. I don't know if it affects other readers as much, but my personal taste is to just keep with the tense mentioned/established in the story, if that makes sense.

As for the actual story, I feel like it would read a bit smoother if the "color + object" description would turn into "color" being the "name" of the characters. An example of this would be to take "pink lady" and describe her as "Pink" instead, and kind of treat it as a proper noun, or a proper name for that character. It just would read a bit more like a regular novel, I think, as at least the reader can put some kind of name to these characters when they're in different views.

I'm also a bit curious as to how far Terry is from Harry and Rose, since he can tell that she was injured by their last encounter in her stance/body language. But I figured they were at a distance from each other, ya know? Besides that, there is a lot of action in here, that I can mostly follow, but I hope the next chapter has more dialogue with Terry getting arrested.

I think this chapter went pretty smoothly - heavy on the action, yes, but as long as other chapters balance this out, that is a-okay. I'm liking getting more of Terry's character here, and I hope to see more of his history and his background. Nicely done!




HarryHardy says...


Thanks for another review!!

Hmm...it does make sense. I just use present tense out of habit for thoughts. I'll think on it.

Hmm...they did actually go quite some time now without learning their names didn't they? Hopefully that will be solved now that Harry and Rose know Terry's name/

Hmm...oh Terry is pretty far away being at the bottom of a building but he did see Rose moving a lot slower earlier in the chase.

Hmm...yup I think it will balance out hopefully. This is sort of the climax of the first act of the book which ends in the next chapter and the second act will begin.

Thanks again!! :D



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Thu Aug 13, 2020 7:12 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Greetings, Harry!

I'll get right into this. :)

Several rounds of 35 caliber later and his shield had taken significant damage. It was barely holding on, the light flickering like a faulty light bulb.

So, if your attacks are getting weaker and the magic shield you're using to defend yourself is giving out while people are shooting at you, isn't that a pretty great time to flee? It seems to me as if Terry is actually in life-threatening danger here, and he's stranded without many resources. This is even more than Rose and Harry were in at the beginning of the first chapter, because they always seemed to have more energy reserves to draw on.

I like the part you have later about Terry doggedly going after that case, and I feel like you could emphasize that. Yes, he's in more danger than he should be, he could actually die, but whatever is in this case is so important that he has no other choice than to keep pursuing it. I wish we could see some more of his desperation!

Oh lord, with a shade of pink that ridiculous, it's a small wonder no one runs away after one look at that color.

I love it, Rose's real secret weapon. XD

She was just in the way . There's nothing I could have done. Terry continued to study the two. He wanted to leave, get started on looking for wherever that damned woman had taken the briefcase to. I am not letting that case go to them. Not today. Not ever. But that look...why what was she so scared of?

Uh oh, I thought he would know? Maybe we'll get to see another perspective chapter from the green lightning lady. Also, there is a slight confusion between Rose and the other woman here, I wonder if there's any way to clarify?

They were alternating between the offensive and defensive, their fighting styles flowing together like they were executing a well practiced dance. Pink lady was firing off spell chain after spell chain, interlaced with poodle man's shards of ice and lightning bolts. An impressive dome of energy flickered around them. Pink and Blue light interwoven together into one translucent shield that moved with them, absorbing the weak orange and brown light headed their way. As Terry watched, another brown beam bounced off the shield and headed right for him. He rolled under it and slowly approached the two henchmen. Looks like I have to do this the old fashioned way.

I really love the outside description of Rose and Harry fighting here! It makes it sound and look suuuper cool. However, I'm not really sure why Terry gets involved. Clearly they're very strong, he's weak, and though he really wants the briefcase, I'm not sure he has the power to do anything about that right now. Also, it's not clear to me that the briefcase is even here right now? Pardon me if I missed something and Harry and Rose actually have it, but it's really hard to keep track of where it is.

Before they could do anything, the two henchmen both produced two grenades from their pockets, popped the pins and teleported away.

Didn't the scramble spell mess with teleportation? And if not, then why didn't Rose and Harry make some attempt to follow the woman with the case? Unless their priority was to arrest Terry.

The grenades, flung much higher than any man could have flung them, had barely reached the apex of their climb before they exploded, raining shrapnel down on the three of them. A big umbrella shield by the pink lady deflected most of it, with only a couple of the larger pieces falling harmlessly onto the roof, robbed of their momentum.

I'm not sure what shrapnel would be coming down...? They're on the roof, right? So if the grenades were flung into the sky, they wouldn't explode anything except themselves and there wouldn't be much stuff to fall down on anyone. (I could be wrong, though!)

Time to see if I they are up for a deal.

Oh.... oh you poor guy. XD I think it's really interesting that Terry has all of these nice-guy vibes going on, just someone living with his cat and trying not to get too involved, but it does really clash with his determination to get the case. I'm wondering what his motivation is, and whether he even wanted to be here in the first place?? Terry backstory!

Overall, this was a pretty neat chapter (in both the cool sense and the non-messy sense). You did a nice job of wrapping up the battle and getting Terry under arrest. Two confusing things that are still lingering are that I'm not sure where the case actually is? I think Terry thought Rose and Harry had one, and the woman took one, but I'm forgetting now where it actually is. Anyway, the second thing is where the green lightning lady went. I didn't remember that she left at the end of the last chapter, and now she's pretty much just letting her henchmen clean things up, but it was a little hard to tell because she's still a relevant figure.

Nice job, though! This was pretty clean and I had a good understanding of what was going on battle-wise. The cases, once again, remain a mystery...!! Have a great day and good luck with your writings! :)

-Q




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!

Yes Terry definitely is in life threatening danger here. He has pretty much completely exhausted his magic because of the hours of casting her did on the briefcase.

Hmm...I'll keep that in mind.

Glad you like the description of the fight. As for Terry running in...you are right, there is no briefcase there at the moment. What Terry does is that he finds himself having to choose between tracking down the green woman or possibly winning the favor of Harry and Rose and getting their case. At this point he just thinks they are members of some gang so he thinks if he risks his neck he might be able to get a deal with them.

The scramble actually only hit Harry, Rose and Terry so only they are affected. It doesn't affect anyone in the vicinity.

Well yaa its just the pieces of grenade falling there. Rose is just being careful.

Hmm...well one of the cases is with Harry and Rose at their agency where it was left at the end of Chapter 2. And Evelyn just ran off with the other one at the end of the previous chapter. They have moved around a bit so it being a little hard to keep track of if is very reasonable.

And Evelyn...well we'll find out where she went in Chapter 7.

Thanks again!! :D



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Wed Aug 12, 2020 12:39 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey Harry! Sorry I’m so late with this, I keep slacking!

Great chapter! Lots of action this chapter (reminds me of the first chapter hehe). I’m not great with critiquing action-packed scenes in general just because I don’t write or read them often. One thing I think this scene could possibly be enhanced with is showcasing more of Terry’s thinking. Not necessarily thoughts in italics, but more his decisions/goals in this chapter (was he trying to escape from them or knock them out...?) Things like that.

Overall, while it is fast-paced, some more drawn-out emotions from Terry would be good to not only get the reader to understand how he’s feeling in the moment but also develop him as a character. There was a bit in the beginning but I would have liked more throughout the middle of the chapter and maybe at the end, especially when the chaos finally cools down and he’s confronted by Harry.

Other than that, I really liked how Rose and Harry were depicted in this chapter;

They were alternating between the offensive and defensive, their fighting styles flowing together like they were executing a well practiced dance.


Like this line in particular. That’s the a great way to describe the comfort Rose and Harry have in each other when fighting.

I am not letting that case go to them. Not today. Not ever. But that look...why what was she so scared of?


This line is so good. It also makes me wonder if perhaps Terry will team up with Rose and Harry to get the case back? I’m also just wondering in general how Terry (and the information that Terry possibly knows?) will help out Rose and Harry. We get to see Terry’s perspective though so I have a suspicion he’s an important character in the novel (and maybe not just a crutch for Rose and Harry?). Curious to find out.

Peace,
~EternalRain




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Hmm....I will definitely keep this in mind when I write draft 2 and I'll try to show more of what Terry feels.
I'm glad you liked Harry and Rose in this chapter.
And Terry....that prediction is ;)
Thanks again!!



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Mon Aug 03, 2020 5:48 pm
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Seirre wrote a review...



Hi Harry! I'm here for another review!

As another reviewer pointed out, there isn't much dialogue in this chapter, but I don't mind that. Especially since we get to hear a lot of Terry's thoughts and see some of the reasons behind his actions - it's a great chance to develop a character.

I do have to agree with Icy though, the characters - the male ones at least - all feel pretty similar. I totally get that it's super easy to write them all similar-ish to yourself - I do that all the time - but a trick I've found sometimes works is choosing which of your traits you give to which characters. For example everybody's a mix of emotional and logical, so choose one character to be more emotional, and the other to be more logical, and think about what your two different responses to something might be depending on what mood ("emotional" or "logical") you're in. Obviously people are more complicated than that, but it's a good starter for differentiating characters. (Hopefully that explanation makes sense, if not feel free to ask for clarification!)

(Another thing you could try is have one character be completely the opposite of you, so they always react to things in a totally different way than you would.)

I do think you've done a good job with descriptions, there's enough for the reader to know what's going on but it doesn't slow down the plot too much!

I have just a couple nitpicky things I'd like to point out as well.

Luckily at that moment, the jellyfish man himself provided a distraction.

^I could just be forgetting someone, but I'm not sure who the jellyfish man is? Is that Harry?

Terry turned to leave but found that he could not.

^Why can't he leave? Is there a spell trapping him?

Before they could do anything, the two henchmen both produced two grenades from their pockets, popped the pins and teleported away. Holy Crap.

^I don't think "crap" needs to be capitalized here.

Other than that, I don't have much to critique about the chapter! You've got another great cliffhanger ending, I'm curious what happens next! I also like that we're seeing different points of view - I'm not entirely sure who the "good guys" are yet, but it's interesting seeing everyone's different perspectives.

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit




HarryHardy says...


Hey!!! Thank you for the review!!
For some reason this did not show up in my notifications(second time it happened to one of my stories) and I only saw it now. Sorry I took so long to reply.
Ahh...glad to hear that...that is why I decided to split this battle in half and risk a somewhat short chapter just to give Terry a full chapter for his thoughts on the matter to be revealed.
Ahh...thank you so much for the advice...I'll work on that and try my best to make them sound more unique.
Hmm..yes the jellyfish man is Harry...I probably shouldn't have referenced that tiny detail from chapter 1 so don't worry.
And Terry that's like to show he has a bit of a revelation there like his thoughts are stopping him from running away immediately. No spell. I think that was phrased badly probably because that monologue there was going to be totally different but I rephrased that because it was a little unrealistic. Think I forgot to change that line accordingly.
And right...I'll fix both those issues.
Ahh....yes...glad you liked that cliffhanger. I think we are approaching the end of act 1 soon. A lot of answers and even more questions to follow.
Thanks again!!



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Sun Aug 02, 2020 1:53 pm
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brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello Comrade!
Another action filled chapter, good keeps us on our toes. Dialogue was a little lacking in this and as IcyFlame said your character dialogue isn't super indistinguishable. but it is action filled so it compensate for itself.

The man dispelled his shield and jumped forward, transforming in mid air, and landing in front of the two gunmen as a fearsome...A poodle. What? Is this guy off his rocker? The poodle barked in the most intimidating voice it could muster while Terry looked on in confusion

Honestly, that is quite the fearsome poodle.

ink lady was sticking to basics. Her movements were stiff. A flash of guilt ran through Terry. She was just in the way . There's nothing I could have done.

This is an amazing bit of characterisation for Terry. i wonder who he really is and what are his motives.

After twenty grueling seconds, the elevator doors finally opened with a pleasant 'DING' and he rushed in, punching the button to take him to the top floor. The elevator began climbing. Classical music played in the background, only increasing his anger. 24 floors later he charged out, looking for the staircase leading to the roof. That took him another thirty seconds to locate. Why are these things not marked clearly? He charged up the stairs, taking them four at a time. Terry burst through the door and immediately had to duck as an orange beam missed him by inches and blasted the door behind him, splitting it in two.

Terry is in the classic, 'using the elevator in a pitched fight' trope.

He walked up to the men, taking care to stay right behind them to avoid being hit with a lethal jet of pink light or skewered by an ice shard. After a lot of tiptoeing, he came up right behind the man, getting ready to attack from behind. As he positioned his feet to lash out with a punch, a foot connected squarely with Terry's nether regions and he folded like a collapsible lawn chair. The man turned to face Terry, mouth twisted into a sneer. Apparently he had not been fooled by the tiptoeing.

Poor guy, a physical attack would've been so cool too.

"You are under arrest as per the orders of S.W.O.R.D the Strategic Worldwide Operations and Reconnaissance Division," said the pink lady moving behind him and roughly grabbing his hands. He felt the cold metal of handcuffs slide around his wrists. Well that backfired spectacularly.

"Arrest report," explained the man," thank you for your cooperation."

Nice ending, left me on the edge of my seat. I want to know more about Terry, I wonder if S.W.O.R.D will interrogate him or something.

Overall an excellent continuation. Lots of well described well paced action, Dialogue was a little lacking but it is still a great chapter. Could you please tag me for the next chapters please. :D
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Ahh....yaa Terry was alone for most of this chapter so the dialogue was on the low side...and yaa....the thoughts are a little similar (because they are all modeled after mine).
Glad you liked it. I'll definitely tag you. :D
Thanks again!!



IcyFlame says...


Ah I see! I got a bit mixed up with all the people there xD



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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Going to tick this one off my to do list!

Here we go.

Oh dear. That's not good. Damn diagnostics.

All your character voices are quite similar. I don't know if this is just because they all seem to say/think 'damn' a lot (I know you love the word ;) ) but whatever it is I think you need to work on making them a little more distinct. So far I find Rose is a little different, but for the other three, if you didn't tell me whose PoV the chapter was from I would really struggle to guess!

Luckily at that moment, the jellyfish man himself provided a distraction. The man dispelled his shield and jumped forward, transforming in mid air, and landing in front of the two gunmen as a fearsome...A poodle. What? Is this guy off his rocker? The poodle barked in the most intimidating voice it could muster while Terry looked on in confusion almost missing the two bullets that proceeded to shatter his shield.

I don't know that this chapter isn't a bit too much in terms of action. The previous section was also quite fast paced, and I feel like I'm going through a lot of this at top speed without actually learning much about the characters. That said, this is only chapter five, so I'm going to try and withhold too much comment on pacing until we get to like seven or eight.

The assault rifles were running through their ammo faster than an ice cream truck on a hot summer day.

Haha

After twenty grueling seconds, the elevator doors finally opened with a pleasant 'DING' and he rushed in, punching the button to take him to the top floor.

'Pleasant' seems out of place for me here.

24 floors later he charged out, looking for the staircase leading to the roof. That took him another thirty seconds to locate.

You've switched between numbers and words - pick one please :)

Why are these things not marked clearly?

I feel you, Terry.

"Clarke. Terry Clarke," replied Terry in between deep breaths," and yours?"

I'm amazed he gave his name so readily.

Wow, that took less time than I thought to catch him! Interested to see how Harry & Rose take the news that the Dirt King has been caught by someone other than them. I'd also like to know how SWORD fits in with whatever organisation Harry & Rose are part of.

Look forward to reading the next bit!

Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Ahh...well I do love that word far too much.
Hmm...this is pretty much the climax for the first act of this story...so it should even out soon enough.
Ahh...there was a pretty good reason as to why Terry gave his name up so easily....but that will spoil the story so....yaa
Ohh...wait a minute...Harry and Rose are the ones who caught him...not sure how you got that mixed up.
Thanks again!!




snacks are relevant to every situation and your argument is invalid
— LemonTheDorkyPanda