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Conquest of Shadows Prologue

by FlamingPhoenix


The air was thick with the smell of blood, the warm liquid coating the wet ground as the storm above rumbled, the dark clouds churning into one another as lightning flashed and thunder rolled through the sky. Over the sounds of the storm above the echoes of battle traveled through the air as sparks of orange sprang off of worn-down blades.

Sweat and blood mixed with rain water coated King Arthur's face as he lifted his sword once again blocking an oncoming attack, his forest green eyes full of rage. “How dare you attack my city!” He growled over the thunder, “Isn’t one kingdom enough?” he kicked out his feet knocking his attacker to the ground mud spraying around them.

The other man jumped to his feet his black eyes narrowed as his weapon was lifted for another attack, the other fighting people seemed to fade away as the two men watched one another beginning to circle like an animal on the hut.

“There is always better land.” The other man growled in response as he charged, his armored shoes churning up the ground.

Arthur sidestepped, almost losing his balance as he moved onto a discarded shield, the metal and mud slippery under his feet. “Just go home Damien, then no one will have to die.” Having to act fast Arthur lifted his sword above his head countering Damien’s attack.

The two exchange attacks in a heated fight, rolling to the left and right, ducking from fateful blows. Thunder rumbled overhead as the two parted for an instant eyeing one another up. Arthur gritted his teeth together as the outcome of this war began to lay heavy on his shoulders. Keeping an iron grip on his weapon Arthur made another lunge for Damien.

Holding his blade with one hand Damien reached into a pouch that was attached to his armor at the hip, removing a small blade. A wicked grin forming on his narrow face, Damien lashed out at Arthur his knife ripping the material between the pieces of armor at his thigh.

A hiss of pain escaped his lips as Arthur jumped back feeling a small trickle of blood seep down his hip. Looking up he saw Damien advance, his intentions clear. Letting out a tired sigh Arthur glared back at him, no longer having the intention to spare his life. If he was going to keep his kingdom safe and his people he had to do what was right and he couldn’t let this man live. His grip on his sword handle only tightened as he got ready to fight for his life once more.

The two charged forward weapons razed for the attack, as Damien’s sword came down Arthur rolled to the right ramming his blade into his knee cutting through the already dented armor.

Roaring out in agony Damien had to stab his weapon into the ground to stop himself from doubling over in pain.

“Do you think I would allow you to take Yhadna, and her people?” Arthur snarled, his eyebrows creased in anger. “Do you realize how many lives you have taken because of what you have done?”

Eyes narrowing into a cold scowl Damien slowly got to his feet sword still in hand, “Do you think I care?”

Arthur had to jump back as Damien made another swipe with his knife at his thigh, a crazed look in his eyes.

The sounds of his men falling around him came crashing into his ears as a stinging sensation ran from Arthur’s thigh and down his right leg, almost like the blood had stopped flowing. For a moment Arthur looked around realization hitting him, Damien had planned this battle for many years, he had trained and prepped how could he have been so blind? His cold gaze turned back to Damien as he lifted his weapon. He stumbled but he made a swing for his head.

As best he could Damien stepped back a sly grin now on his blood coated face. “Feeling the effects are you? Don’t worry it won’t be long until you feel know more pain.”

Those words being said Arthur lost his footing as his other leg gave out, sending him to the ground. Mud and rain coating his body as he lay there unable to move, his vision slowly beginning to fade.

……

Six years later

The air had a cold chill to it as a tall man paced back and forth in front of the house's wooden door, his arms folded behind his back. His green gaze was hazed with worry when he stopped to look at the door, only to continue pacing a moment later.

Where were they? They should have been back by now. Ryan walked over to the window his pace brisk. Peering out, he scanned the people outside. It was chaos, people screaming while dashing for safety, while there were a few others who fought back, only to be struck down by King Damien’s guards.

Abruptly turning away, he resumed his anxious walking, the noises outside flooding his worried thoughts. He knew it was a bad idea, he had warned them of the outcome, but they refused to listen, they should have waited, planned more, maybe it was too soon.

His dark shadow danced along the wooden walls as worry began to pick away at his mind, should he go out there to look for them? Shaking his head he cleared his mind of those thoughts. No, he had to stay put that was the agreement.

Sitting down in one of the chairs by the window he pushed the curtain aside to look out again, remembering what his brother had said to him before he left.

‘ “ Are you sure you should do this?”

His brother nodded. “Yes, we can’t let him rule this kingdom any longer, people are suffering because of it, and it’s not only our kingdom. The people of Merula aren’t allowed to step foot here anymore.”

“I understand. Where should I take him if you fail?”

“Up into the mountains outside the kingdom's borders, they won’t look for him there.” His brother removed three scrolls out of a bag that was resting on a chair nearby, each scroll closed with his seal and a name on it. If…we don’t come back give one of these scrolls to him when his of age and ready to take on the responsibility.”

“And the other two?”

“You will give them to the others if they make it here.” With that, his brother swung the brown bag over his shoulder making his way to the door. “You know what to do…If all fails you must protect him.” With those last words said he walked out into the street, closing the door behind him. ‘

Ryan sighed, his green gaze landing on the three scrolls he had placed on a table nearby, each one had a name written on the outside in fine inky letters. He didn’t know what his brother was thinking, but if they did succeed everything would go back to normal, they wouldn’t have to live in fear.

Suddenly the loud bang of the door swinging open had Ryan jump to his feet the sword he had kept by him for safekeeping in hand. But what he saw before him only struck fear into his heart as he lowered his weapon.

“What happened?” Ryan hurriedly asked, his gaze roaming over the two people in front of him.

The boy stepped forward, his face covered in blood, his black armor torn and dark with blood. He was shaky on his feet as he stepped forward. He didn’t say a word just shook his head with a sorrowful look. His green eyes brimming with tears.

The girl standing next to him put a trembling hand on his back as she stepped forward pulling down her mask, her face now the same color as her fiery red hair. She too was wearing the same armor as the boy next to her. Letting out a shaky breath she explained. “His force was too great, Tyler and I were the only ones able to get out. Mother…and Father…they…” She didn’t finish her sentence as tears of anguish rolled down her dusty cheeks, leaving white streaks down her cheeks as it picked up the blood.

Ryan stood there, fear, pain, anger, all these emotions ran through him at once as realization hit him like a punch to the stomach. Shaking his head he marched over to the table, grabbing two of the scrolls. Handing them to the other two he explained. “You know what your further orders are. Run, hide stay out of sight until the time is right. He will want your heads if you show your faces again.”

Both teens nodded their heads taking their scroll from Ryan. Opening them up they briefly read through what was written down.

“We understand.” Tyler closed his scroll placing it in his armors pouch. With that both him and the girl turned and ran out of the house, swallowed up by the swarm of people outside.

Wasting no time Ryan quickly gathered the things that were needed, the king would be ordering his guards to every house, if he finds them, he wouldn’t pay them any mercy. Running into one of the bedrooms he quickly picked up the confused and frightened boy.

Rushing out the house's back door he mounted his horse the boy still in his arms. The child cried and screamed for his parents, but Ryan tried to pay him no mind as he nudged his horse’s sides pulling on the rains to get him to run towards the edge of the village towards the mountains his brother had spoken of, it was time to disappear.


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Wed Jun 16, 2021 5:40 am
Vincian wrote a review...



Hi there FlamingPhoenix! Thank you so much for your interest in wanting me as a potential reader and reviewer for your novel! I wanna give this a preliminary review just so I can get a bit more comfortable in reading and reviewing it and you can see a bit more of what my reviews would look like. Let's jump into this!!

The air was thick with the smell of blood, the warm liquid coating the wet ground as the storm above rumbled, the dark clouds churning into one another as lightning flashed and thunder rolled through the sky.


Alrighty!! So, I mentioned a bit in my WRFF thread that I am pretty big on intros! Because, well, they can make or break interest from a potential reader. It shows just how your writing style can be, and I'd like to think that it's a good idea to put your best foot forward!

So, regarding this intro: I like that you put us in the action. Starting with action brings the reader right into a piece and weaves them into the narrative.

I do want to point out: your descriptions in the first paragraph here are fairly basic. I think they're a great foundation, but I would love to see more vividness here! For example, to build upon the first sentence:

The air soured under the heavy weight of split blood.


It's not much more, but that descriptor of sour immediately lets our mind open the possibilities to the senses that come with that sentence. This is but a basic example; there's so much more potential on what you can expand here.

“How dare you attack my city!” He growled over the thunder, “Isn’t one kingdom enough?”


Okay, so this dialogue here really sounds like something someone would say just for plot purposes. It's hard for me to imagine someone saying this in the middle of a fight, you know? Maybe if I were to understand a bit more of who King Arthur was and who the person he was fighting was, it might fit in more.

One of the things about fight scenes is that word choice has to be intentional in it. Fight scenes are by far the most visual aspect of writing there is; fight scenes embody scenes, visual descriptions, and verbs. Fight scenes are also incredibly difficult for a lot of writers, as they require a different skillset than conversation, dialogue, internal thoughts, setting scenes, etc.

Right now, this fight scene between King Arthur and Damien feels a bit like people fightng with pool noodles, or, if you've watched early Star Wars movies, the early fight scenes like between Ben Kenobi and Darth Vader.

Spoiler! :
Image


While it's good, it's fairly basic in design and cliche. It reads like a bit of clink-clanking of swords intermixed with dialogue. So! Some pointers on action:

- For one, I recommend just reading as many actions scenes as you can. There are some great authors on this sight who excel in action (one I've read recently is ShadowVyper's Before the dragon.)

- Two: There are some great tips and pointers on combat, fight scenes, and specifically sword fighting in this thread: weapons, swordfighting, action scenes

- Three: Weaponize your use of verbs (Verbs Are The New Adjectives) You'll actually find a list I have on tips for writing action in the previous link, but a major one is capitalizing on your use of verbs in action scenes. Make them impactful and create short sentences that revolve around your verbs.

Let's take an example sentence:

Damien’s sword came down Arthur rolled to the right ramming his blade into his knee cutting through the already dented armor.


I like the use of verbs you have here! Now, let's use some more of the advice I had on the action scenes piece I linked above. Let's shorten the sentences.

Damien's sword sliced through the air. Arthur dodged and rammed his blade into Damien's knee. He toppled, and Arthur sliced through the dented armor.


Rewording your sentence a bit here, I placed more emphasis on the verbs and shortened the sentences. It didn't actually remove much, but it added so much more impact and visuals to the action.

---

Alrighty! I have to say that I didn't glean all that much from this first chapter, besides what you have written down. One of the joys of reading is that there's subtext within the text. Things between what's actually written. Plotlines that are only revealed if the reader catches them and reads into the piece more than what's actually written.

I urge you to, when you're available to go back through this old writing or when you're writing your new parts, to look back on the dialogue you have written with the lens of "are they saying what they're wanting to say, or what I'm wanting them to say?" in other words "are they saying what exactly they're thinking, or are they saying what they're not thinking." Letting your characters say things that doesn't exactly fit within what would progress the plot along gives the reader the ability to read past the dialogue and gather the hints of what's actually going on.

For example, in the Arther/Damien fight, what if they said nothing throughout that fight? What if the descriptions of the ferocity of the fight, of Arthur's desparaton, of Damien's ruthlessness, of Arthur seeing his soldiers fall in battle and imagining his kingdom falling the same way.

Regarding the second half of this chapter, I admit, I don't really know how it's relating to the first part or what it is about on its own. However, we'll see more in the next chapter.

I hope this has helped! Let me know your thoughts ^^






Thank you so much for the review it really helps a ton!

XD yes I'm reading ShadowVypers story at the moment, and her writing when fighting is just spot on! So I'll try and make mine more like hers.

Reading back on this chapter there are a lot of loose ends that need to be fixed when I do the rewrite, and the two parts could be two different chapters so I can expand on them and add more depth, and bring the plot in further.

Thank you so much for your help this is really going to help me when I rewrite and as I go forward!
I'll keep an open mind and try and improve my writing!
I would love to hear what you have to say on my other chapters!



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Sat May 15, 2021 12:09 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi FlamingPhoenix,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You've already made me curious with the story and I'm venturing back to the beginning. Since it's counterproductive to go into things where I think you've improved on the current chapter, I'll keep it short and just mention a few minor standouts that caught my eye while reading.

Let's start with the introduction. You manage to build up a good atmosphere with this paragraph (which consists of only two sentences) and let the reader fall into the story. Because it seems like it's in the middle of a battle, it gives the reader the chance to not really know which side they're on yet.

The first half of the prologue turned out very well. You build up the action-packed scene with a lot of tension and drama without making it feel cluttered. It's striking that you create a good connection between the descriptions of the attacks and the dialogue. I also noticed that you described Arthur and Damien's eyes in an interesting moment and that you didn't just refer to them as "coloured with no particular feature".

He knew it was a bad idea, he had warned them of the outcome, but they refused to listen, they should have waited, planned more, maybe it was too soon.


Even though the sentence is a bit long, and could certainly use a few points, I would like to say that you have written it well. It has a great dynamic that doesn't feel crowded because of the different actions.

Suddenly the loud bang of the door swinging open had Ryan jump to his feet the sword he had kept by him for safekeeping in hand.


The sentence is not too long here, but could do with a comma or two, otherwise you lose track a little :D

The boy stepped forward, his face covered in blood, his black armor torn and dark with blood.


I'm not a fan of putting nouns twice in the same sentence as it feels a bit weak compared to the rest of the text. I would have replaced "blood" or tried to rewrite it a bit with a synonym.

It was a very strong chapter. As an introduction to your story, you had a good build up. Especially the time jump felt great, as it gave you a good overview of some historical events. It also feels a bit like a historical novel. It also increases the reader's interest, makes him wonder what exactly happened in the meantime and what will happen next.

Enjoy the writing!

Mailice






Thank you so much for taking the time and going back into my story to read from the beginning! I'm very happy you liked this chapter, i will say this one I am very happy with for the most part, but it still could do with some tweaking.

I'm very excited to see what you will have to say about the rest of the story, being you know what will happen later after reading two of the chapters before hand. XD

Again thank you for the review, this really helps a ton for when I rewrite and as I go on with the story. :D



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Fri Mar 12, 2021 4:17 pm
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MapleWay says...



Great start! Can't wait to read the next one!






Glad you like it!



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Sat Nov 21, 2020 5:41 pm
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writerkitty wrote a review...



Helloo Flame! :D Writerkitty here with a review for ya! :D

It's been a while since I last wrote a review, so forgive my rusty reviewing skills xD

Alright...let's get to it, shall we? ^-^

I'm not gonna focus much on grammar and nit-picks because the other reviewers have already covered those areas. :D I'm going to pay attention to the plot, setting and the story in general.

Okay, first off, I must say this is a really good start! Just when the reader reached the end of the first paragraph they're whisked into this intense battle scene. And you've done such a good job in showing all the action going on, it all felt really realistic. And I love your description. It doesn't affect the flow of your story and perfectly balances with the all the action and dialogue there. So good job on that!

Another thing I really liked is how, instead of directly telling us about Arthur and Gregory, you allowed the readers to find out about the different motives of the two via the battle scene. It was quite clear that Arthur wanted to settle things without using violence and all he wanted was to save the kingdom and its people. But Gregory on the other hand, seems like a true villain. His hunger for power, selfish motives and the way he kept on attacking poor Arthur despite his attempts to resolve the conflict without war. I really like how you gave so much character and personality to these two in the prologue alone. :)

Okay... I must admit, I was really upset at the end of the battle. ;-; Nooooo Arthur!! Even though I hate it that he was defeated, that battle scene was written so well, and the evil tactics used by Gregory to defeat him was so cleverly implemented by the end of it... Maybe that's why I felt so sad when Arthur was defeated! You made the characters seem so real that the readers really started to care for them! (well, for Arthur...not evil mean Gregory. But getting the readers to hate a character is a really good accomplishment too xD )


She scene switch was really good too! :) I like how you didn't dwell on one scenario for too long, but instead switched to an entirely different setting with a whole bunch of new characters. And you didn't give away much information about them but there's still a continuation from the previous scene, because the reason they're fleeing because of the outcome of that battle.

:D I'm really looking forward to see what happens next. This prolongue started off a bit dark and with the enemy winning right at the start, it sure makes things much thicker for the main characters I bet! ^-^

Welp, that's all for now! As I've said earlier, I can't wait to read the next chapter and get to know the characters and the story better!


Hope you have a wonderful day/night!

Your friend,
writerkitty






Thank you so much for the review! I was grinning the entire time I was reading because everything you said is what I was trying to accomplish, so that makes me really happy!

Sorry I had to kill off Arthur otherwise there wouldn't be a story. *wink*
I liked doing the scene change it was really fun to do! And it tells a whole different side to the story. And the people I have introduced you to is rather important too.

I can't wait to see what you think of the next chapter!
Again thank you for the review!



writerkitty says...


^-^ You're welcome!

:O Yeah, I really like to know more about the other characters, so I'm totally gonna read the next chapter sooon! :D





I look forward to hearing what you have to say!
:D



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Sat Sep 26, 2020 1:07 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hi @FlamingPheonix, RadDog here! In honor of review day and RevMo, I'll be reviewing the entirety of your novel that you have put out so far today. Anyways, onto the review!

First Impressions: This was an amazing piece. All of it felt really realistic and you're descriptions were superb. It did everything that a prologue is supposed to do. It really made me want to read more. Overall, it was an amazing chapter.

What I like: All of you're dialogue was realistic. You had good descriptions and made some awesome twists.

What I think you could approve on: You could try to make the switching between perspectives a little bit smoother. It felt as if I didn't know what was going on. Also, you could introduce the characters a little bit better. I couldn't really see who they were and connect with them. Obviously, this is only the prologue but it would be great to improve on. Also, the battle scene was a bit confusing. I'm not too good at them either but try mapping it out beforehand so that the reader can know what's going on.

Overall, this was an amazing prologue that really got me hooked and pumped for chapter 1. I can't wait to read the next chapters but until then, happy writing!

-RadDog






Thank you for the review! This helps me a lot. I am always open to seeing what I can fix, and knowing I can do better with the battle is great because battle is one of the main things in the book. So I will have to work on it. Lol

I look forward to the next review! :D Thanks again!



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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @FlamingPhoenix I'm here to do a review, sorry if I was a bit late on this, anyways also I apologize if my spelling is bad, and my review is a waist of your time.

So I really like the first part of the prologue how you just straightly get into everything, I was captivated the second you mentioned blood, I no you are going to say "da," because that's just what I do.

Sweat and blood mixed with rain water coated King Arthur's face as he lifted his sword once again blocking an oncoming attack, his forest green eyes full of rage.

Oh *Wide eyes* sounds like a battle on the battle field, must be gory. I also da again love that King Arthur has green eyes that makes everything so cool, to me.

Arthur sidestepped, almost losing his balance as he moved onto a discarded shield, the metal and mud slippery under his feet. “Just go home Gregory, then no one will have to die.” Acting fast, Arthur lifted his sword above his head, countering Gregory’s attack.

I kind of like the way you put across Arthur and Gregory's differences here like. Arthur just wants everyone to live in peas and happiness, while Gregory just wants power over well everything, and so he just goes around looking for blood spray.

The two exchange attacks in a heated fight, rolling to the left and right, ducking from fateful blows.

*Side Steps For A Moment* take a good look at this part, sorry to point this out I just had to, because I could not help but read the pun Fight Left right Lol. Anyway this lines great. I did not really pick that up I think when you were reading it to me.

A hiss of pain escaped his lips as Arthur jumped back feeling a small trickle of blood seep down his hip.

I cannot believe I am saying this but you almost made me cry.

If he was going to keep his kingdom safe and the people in it he had to do what was right and put a stop the the war now.

Okay I think the, repeated the at the end of the line there was not really supposed to be there, common mistake, also I think that you meant to put a to before you said the. Don't worry to much about it, its common to make mistakes like this, just look out for it in the future.

For a moment Arthur looked around realization hitting him, Gregory had planned this battle for many years, he had trained and prepped how could he have been so blind?

from reading this my self I get were the poison thing came in now, anyway real good plot twist there. Also when Arthur died I really almost cried, your evil your making your readers almost cry on the prologue already.

“Come quickly! You must leave now, there isn't much time.” A hushed voice said urgently as she ushered two people out of their beds and into coats. With a worried glance over her shoulder down the hall, she pushed the two people down the corridor, her hands pressed on their backs.

Okay I love how you do this switch thing instead of ending the prologue at Arthur's death, this makes for another well planned plot twist.

The old lady shook her head, “I’m afraid there isn’t much time to explain, but I have to get you out of here before Gregory gets here, I hear he won the war and is on his way here to kill whoever stands in his way.” She shivered.

This sends shivers up my spine, this just makes it more clear how people really don't like Gregory, I mean also how there slightly afraid of him.

“What took you so long?” He snapped a glare forming on his face. “Gregory could be here any second and I don’t feel like dying today.” He handed the reins over to them and he got onto his black stallion. “Let’s move.”

Entering the moody serious Ryan daa daa daaa, Lol sorry, Ryan sounds real cool here though.

anyways your sitting on my bed and I want to no if your feeling well enof to read this so I'm going to leave it at that. I loved this, and I will get around to doing the other two chapters.

I hope that you have a great Day I'm saying day because I no what time it is were we are.

@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went




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Fri Aug 14, 2020 3:14 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi Flames, I'm here for a review!

You've definitely set up a great atmosphere in the first part of the prologue - I can feel how loud the battle would be, with thunder rumbling in the background, and how messy and slippery and muddy it would be. There's also just an overall feeling of panic, which definitely fits the scene quite well.

One thing you could consider is that there's a lot of dialogue. That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially for a prologue, but if you did want to balance it out a bit you could think about adding more inner reactions and emotions from the characters. Not necessary if you don't want to, though, just a suggestion!

Your grammar and spelling is pretty good for the most part, but one thing I noticed throughout is not quite enough commas. I've pointed out some parts where you're missing commas, but I didn't want to point out every single place 'cause that'd get repetitive and unhelpful - but just something to keep an eye out for!

I think you've got the perfect amount of information for a prologue - just enough for the reader to have an idea of what's going on, but still not enough so that they want to keep reading to chapter one. Well done on that!

Now I'm going to go over some more specific comments/nitpicks!

“How dare you attack my city!” He growled over the thunder, “Isn’t one kingdom enough?” he kicked out his feet knocking his attacker to the ground mud spraying around them.

A couple of very small things here - the comma after "thunder" should be a period, the bolded "he" should have a capital h, and there should be commas after "feet" and "ground".

The other people fighting seemed to fade away as the two men watching one another beginning to circle each other.

I feel like "beginning to" is unnecessary here, and makes the sentence wordier than it needs to be.

Arthur gritted his teeth together as the outcome of this war began to lay heavy on his shoulders.

I really love this description! I do feel like "gather" might feel more natural than "lay heavy" in this sentence.

A hiss of pain escaped his lips as Arthur jumped back feeling a small trickle of blood seep down his hip.

You could put a comma after "back".

For a moment Arthur looked around realization hitting him, Gregory had planned this battle for many years, he had trained and prepped how could he have been so blind? His cold gaze turned back to Gregory as he lifted his weapon. He stumbled but he made a swing for his head.

I like that we're seeing how Arthur is feeling and what he's thinking! A couple punctuation things - there should be a comma after "around", and the comma after "him" should be a colon.

“Feeling the effects are you? Don’t worry it won’t be long until you feel know more pain.”

This is just a teeny mistake, "know" should be "no" :)

Mud and rain coating his body as he lay there unable to move, his vision slowly beginning to fade.

Oh no!! Is he going to die??

The young woman turned around her blue eyes filled with worry, “What's happening?” She asked worriedly.

Gosh, I would be worried too! You do say "worry" and "worriedly" twice, so maybe replacing one with another word to convey even more emotion.

Gasping the girl hurriedly whispered “What about you? He will kill you.” Her eyes were clouded over with tears.

Oh this is great, I love how you describe her eyes "clouding over with tears"! You do need a couple extra commas - one after "gasping" and one after "whispered".

Cora and Thomas followed after her, their gazes moving to the two horses who were being held by the reins by a tall blond man his green eyes moving towards them as they walk into the room.

Just need a comma after man!

“I hope they’ll be okay.” Emma breathed as she walked back into the cold halls.

Me too, Emma!

Overall, this is a solid prologue! I'm definitely curious to see what happens next, and what happens to Cora and Thomas. I hope this review is helpful!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit






Thank you so much! This was super helpful!
I know the comma thing is a problem and I am working on it a lot, its one of the things I pay most of my attention on, so hopefully the further into the story you go the better.
I'm also glad to hear that this prologue was really interesting and makes you want to read more, that was just what I was aiming for!
If you want I can tag you next time a post?



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TheScribe says...



Hey, Phoenix, this is VP from Dixie with a review!

I love the battle scene in the beginning. That really drew me in and convinced me that I need to read through this Prologue at the very least, and give this story a try, so-- *clicks follow*.

You sum it up really well without having to describe each and every move, which is something I really like in 99% of fight scenes. I can see the dead littering a battlefield I can smell the blood-tainted air. I can hear the sound of steel against steel, fighting for a throne...

And then, there's your transition.

Immediately, we're introduced to a slew of characters-- Cora, Thomas, Ryan, and Emma (I think that's all?). Already, I want to know more. I need to know more. Or, you know, I could be patient-- nah, I want to know more.

Tell me more!

*becomes greedy and yearns for more*

Overall, I really, really liked this. My guess is that the four are all related somehow-- Thomas and Cora are siblings, maybe, and Emma and Ryan are their parents? But, at the same time, that'd be odd-- Emma refers to Ryan by his name, not "your father" or "my husband".

I can't wait to read more!






Thank you so much for the review! I'll make sure to tag you when the next chapter is posted!
I'm afraid I can't spoil anything for you so you will just have to wait and see, the point of this chapter is the make everything a little more clear later on, so your questions you have now will be answered!



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Sat Jul 11, 2020 8:24 pm
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jackwyndeonline wrote a review...



Hey!
I like this quite a lot! The reader is dropped straight into a world that feels lovingly-crafted and has lots of possibilities. And the characters! I know some readers might be annoyed by introducing lots of characters right at the beginning, but I personally love how you took the time to introduce several people and tell a little of their stories. It makes me way more interested as a reader to know you'll be using diverse, unique characters to tell this story. Starting it out with a losing battle as well - very nice! Starts with a bang, doesn't waste any time (slow openings bore me to death, this one did not!)
Couple of critiques. 1) The opening paragraph has a lot of striking detail, which is good, but it's almost too overstuffed. There's sooo much description of so many things. It's all good, but it can be easy to get lost in it as a reader. Maybe think about what's called "The Telling Detail", one really memorable part of description to really emphasize. It might make it easier for the reader to sort through all the info. Ask, what's the most important thing the reader has to know? 2) The writing style has a very objective slant to it. It makes it harder to understand what the characters are thinking/experiencing. It's fine if you're going for a very omniscient viewpoint, but it might help the reader be engaged if you let them see things more through the characters. I think that issue really only jarred me in the fight scene. A little subjectivity wouldn't have hurt the clarity of the scene. 3) A couple of random grammar mistakes that I won't really bother about. Usage of commas and clauses, might be worthwhile to look back over that at some point.

All in all, well done, and a cut above many prologues I've read! Keep working away at it! I've got a feeling this is gonna be good. God bless!






Thank you for the helpful review! I'll keep all that you have said in mind for later chapters! And I'll most likely some back to this chapter later and edit it up a little.
Thanks for the wonderful comments! I'm glad this is one of the better prologues you have read, it makes me feel really happy! :D
If you want I can tag you when I post again!



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Sat Jul 11, 2020 4:42 pm
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ImaginaryPoet wrote a review...



I really like this story. I think that it may need less adjectives though. For example, “his armored shoes churning up the ground” can be shortened to “his shoes churning up the ground.” I would assume that, if they are in a battle, then they are wearing armor, so the ‘armored’ part breaks up the flow of the sentence.






That's a good point thanks for that and the review!



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Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:38 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Flame, Felistia here with a review for you.

Over the sounds of the storm above the echoes of battle traveled through the air as sparks of orange sprang off of worn-down blades.


Love this first opening paragraph. I have a few suggestions. I think (sounds) would work better as (sound). I also feel that the part (traveled through the air) is a little flat compared to other words you could insert. Examples below.

Over the sounds of the storm above the echoes of battle rang out as sparks of orange sprang off of worn-down blades.


Over the sound of the storm, the echoes of battle below raging on as sparks of orange sprang off of worn-down blades.



The other man jumped to his feet his brown eyes narrowed as his weapon was lifted for another attack, the other fighting people seemed to fade away as the two men watched one another beginning to circle like an animal on the hut.


Your grammar is better than your first draft, but you're still missing it in places.

The other man jumped to his feet, his brown eyes narrowed as his weapon was lifted for another attack. The other people fighting seemed to fade away as the two men watching one another beginning to circle each other.




How do you pronounce the name Gregory?


Having to act fast Arthur lifted his sword above his head countering Gregory’s attack.


I think this would be better
Acting fast, Arthur lifted his sword above his head, countering Gregory’s attack.



I find that you are using the word attack a lot in this. Try to trim it down with other words. :D


Arthur gritted his teeth together as the outcome of this war began to lay heavy on his shoulders.
Nothing to say other than love this sentence.


If he was going to keep his kingdom safe and his people he had to do what was right and he couldn’t let this man live.
I get what you where trying to say in this sentence, but it felt awkward compared to your others.


The two charged forward weapons razed for the attack,


Small spelling mistake here. (razed) should be (raised).

As best he could Gregory stepped back a sly grin now on his blood coated face. “Feeling the effects are you? Don’t worry it won’t be long until you feel know more pain.”


POISON!!!!!!!!!!

...

“Come quickly, you must leave now there is not much time.” A hushed voice said urgently as she ushered two people out of their beds and into coats.


Great first sentence for the second part of the chapter. The dialogue however wasn't punctuated properly.

“Yes, I’ll be fine.” She lied as a cold chill ran over her, her life will never be the same,
Love this part of this story, just slight mistake. It should be (her life would never the same.)

“What took you so long?” He snapped a glare forming on his face. “Gregory could be here any second and I don’t feel like dying today.” He handed the reins over to them and he got onto his black stallion. “Let’s move.”
Got a laugh out of me here. :D

She helps Cora onto her hours her gray locks falling over her shoulders.
Should be
She helped Cora onto her horse, her gray locks falling over her shoulders.



Overall thoughts:

Spoiler! :
I presume that Cora and Thomas are Richard's parents?



Overall a great first chapter for you book. I like that you included two back stories rather than just the one as in your previous draft I had a lot of questions revolving around these.

I look forward to the next chapter. :D

Keep writing.
Felistia






Thank you so much for the review! It was very helpful I'll go fix the mistakes as soon as I can!
Yes they are his parents, I thought this would be a good chapter to set up the story!



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Fri Jul 10, 2020 5:14 pm
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

And I'm back for your rewrite. Let's see how this one has changed.
Brain: "All Neurons man your battle stations!!!)

First Impression: Ohh wow. That is quite the beginning right there. Instantly hooks the reader. Pretty well paced. And suitably vague for a prologue.

Anyway let's get right to it.

The air was thick with the smell of blood, the warm liquid coating the wet ground as the storm above rumbled, the dark clouds churning into one another as lightning flashed and thunder rolled through the sky. Over the sounds of the storm above the echoes of battle traveled through the air as sparks of orange sprang off of worn-down blades.


YESS!! Great description. Really good opening paragraph.

Water and blood coating his face, King Arthur lifted his sword once again blocking an oncoming attack his forest green eyes full of rage. “How dare you attack my city!” He growled over the thunder, “Isn’t one Kingdom enough?” he kicked out his feet knocking his attacker to the ground mud spraying around them.


Okay a couple of things in this one.
First of all I think sweat would be better there. Unless there were water canons involved.
And comma.
And that should not be capitalized. Just kingdom on it's own is not capitalized. If it was Kingdom Bananas or The Banana Kingdom then you capitalize.

Holding his blade with one hand Gregory reached into a pouch that was attached to his armor at the hip removing a small blade. A wicked grin forming on his narrow face, Gregory lashed out at Arthur his knife ripping the material between the pieces of armor at his thigh.


Oooh nice foreshadowing. Instantly you just know that this dude has something special on that blade. Or maybe it's just me and my paranoid brain

The two charged forward weapons razed for the attack, as Gregory’s sword came down Arthur rolled to the right ramming his blade into his knee cutting through the already dented armor.

Roaring out in agony Gregory had to stab his weapon into the ground to stop himself from doubling over in pain.

“Do you think I would allow you to take Yhadna, and her people?” Arthur snarled, his eyebrows creased in anger. “Do you realize how many lives you have taken because of what you have done?”


Oh I am LOVING this fight scene. It's paced so well.

As best he could Gregory stepped back a sly grin now on his blood coated face. “Feeling the effects are you? Don’t worry it won’t be long until you feel know more pain.”

Those words being said Arthur lost his footing as his other leg gave out, sending him to the ground. Mud and rain coating his body as he lay there unable to move, his vision slowly beginning to fade.


I WAS RIGHT!! *cackles*

“Come quickly, you must leave now there is not much time.” A hushed voice said urgently as she ushered two people out of their beds and into coats. With a worried glance over her shoulder down the hall, she pushed the two people down the corridor, her hands pressed on their backs. “The horses are ready for you, and you have two bags readymade full of the things you will need.”


I don't think that's the right word there. Probably should be something like already packed.

The young woman turned around her blue eyes filled with worry, “What happening?” She asked worriedly.


That should be What's

“I’ve already got that handled. Ryan is waiting for you with the horses, he will take you somewhere far away where Gregory won’t find you, and hopefully, you will live long and happy lives.” She moved in front of them leading them down a flight of stairs.


Is that the same Ryan? Or is he someone new.

Cora could see the worried looks Thomas was making as he followed after the woman. She knew Ryan could help them but she was worried about Emma, what will Gregory do to her once he finds out what she did? Surely he wouldn’t torcher an old woman, would he? She had heard of the horrid things he had done in his kingdom and it was only a matter of time before he arrived to take over the palace.


That should be torture.

“What took you so long?” He snapped a glare forming on his face. “Gregory could be here any second and I don’t feel like dying today.” He handed the reins over to them and he got onto his black stallion. “Let’s move.”


That definitely sounds like our old friend Ryan.

Letting out a low sigh Ryan nodded. “I will, I’m taking them far into the mountains where no one will even dare look. Now run, if Gregory finds you he will have your head.”

Emma shook her head. “No, this is my home I will stay and help others escape.”

“As you wish.” With that Ryan turned his horse and galloped out the stable his figure turning into a small silhouette against the rising sun the warm colors spreading across the sky.

“I hope they’ll be okay.” Emma breathed as she walked back into the cold halls.


And a nice ending to cap it off.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: I love this as a prologue. Tells us just enough and immediately hooks the reader in very well. And that fight scene was just pure gold. The back and forth along with the pacing was executed really well. Overall I love this. Can't wait for more.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry






Thank you yet again for a gold star review! Super helpful!
I'll go back and fix the mistakes right away!
Yes its the same Ryan this chapter is supposed to help us understand what will happen later so we're not completely confuse because I thought that was a problem in my other draft.
One question, I changed characters half way through the chapter, is that okay or would it be better i didn't do that?



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!! *bows*
Ahh...well it worked out okay in the previous draft but hey this is in fact better.
Ohh...that's fine. The scene break was really clear and it didn't mess up the flow at all.





*Smiles*
Yeah I know! That's why I'm happy I started again. I can see we got a lot more out of this chapter than we did in the fist few chapter with my last draft so I have feeling I will finish this book happy!
That's good to know, though for the rest of the story it will be a set main character so you don't have to worry. :D



HarryHardy says...


Yaa...good to hear. Happiness is essential to a good story.
And okay...I can't wait. :D





Yup it is! Doss liked the chapter too!
Me to! I'll try and post it as soon as I can!



HarryHardy says...


Good Good :D






HarryHardy says...


:D



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Fri Jul 10, 2020 4:15 pm
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Dragonthorn wrote a review...



Greetings fellow writer, I'm Thorn, and I'll be reviewing for you today.

I'd like to say that your detail is wonderful. It's fresh and creative, but still calm enough to be a readable piece. Original too, but not too bad. Even dialogue is pretty similar to your description style, it seems normal for a fantasy, yet it still has aspects without being overly detailed and too in your face.

Onto the reviewing section.

----> “Isn’t one Kingdom enough?”

->'Kingdom' shouldn't be capital I believe. Especially in how everything is worded in general and the overall tone.

---->"Turning to face Thomas Cora nodded."

->No break in between when there should be. The way it looks now seems like Thomas' last name is Cora, which I really doubt is the case. It also wouldn't work with the way it's written there, so a change should happen somewhere.

Ask about anything that confuses you.

Catch you later.






Thanks for the review thorn! I'll do fix those two mistakes! DO you want me to tag you when I post again?



Dragonthorn says...


Yes, please do. :D





Okay! :D




I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins