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16+ Mature Content

Ode to my lungs

by Gravitem


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

It’s been some months now, you’ve had a break.
I wish she never left but she did.

The cigarettes must’ve left some scars.
I know I hurt you with all that tar;
You’re the one that keeps me singing.
It must really suck to just keep clinging.

Right now my head is in a trance,
I can see you dying all the way.
When I look inside at every chance,
All I see is two air bags – dull and grey.

So these are my last words to you,
I know you’ll probably die tomorrow
But know I’ll just keep on abusing you
Because my head needs to be deader by tomorrow.

So just keep on breathing and let me feel the smoke.


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Points: 22
Reviews: 6

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Fri Jul 03, 2020 9:40 am
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Fadzie wrote a review...



Well this poem is just something else. it seems like the other person is enjoying causing pain to the other and does not mind because that is what keeping him alive. I did not know what to expect but definitely was not expecting this therefore i can just say keep on being creative and keep surprising us maybe..............




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Points: 186
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Wed Jul 01, 2020 7:21 pm
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mryankee20 wrote a review...



That is some poem! It is relatable, man. I'd probably give up something I've got, so I could express all I had on my mind; but it's alright. It's an invaluable experience to me. I just found out what cling means, for example. But that's not the point. What matters is that I found some part of me in what you've written. And this seems to me like something that makes a fine verse.




Gravitem says...


I'm glad ^ ^



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Tue Jun 30, 2020 9:13 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello there,

I see that people are reviewing this, so I'm just going to put my two cents in. If I seem harsh to you or anything, please tell me. Although I'd like to add that i tell it how I see it, so there will be criticism in this because that is needed for a good review.

Okay, I'm going to quote stanzas where I think things can improve a little, or just point out things I enjoy.

So these are my last words to you,
I know you’ll probably die tomorrow No punctuation here when the next word is capital and 'but' so there should be something like a comma or maybe a period.
But know I’ll just keep on abusing you
Because my head needs to be deader by tomorrow.


The punctuation, or lack of it, is missing in that stanza when every beginning letter is capitalized, so it should match up because that looks a little forgetful in a way and sometimes unprofessional.

I see a similar topic from this poem and the last, so it seems real. I hope you the best because these are pretty deep after a read. If you ever want to talk or something, you can PM me.

The cigarettes must’ve left some scars.
I know I hurt you with all that tar; The usage of 'tar' seems out of place. Maybe give more on how it's 'tar'.
You’re the one that keeps me singing. Nice rhyme here, but a little elementary.
It must really suck to just keep clinging.


Overall, stunning poem with a meaning that isn't sweet, but it is tragic.
Have a good day,
Haley.




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Points: 46
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Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:35 am
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andreaontheblock wrote a review...



Hi!
This is my first time here in youngwriterssociety, and definitely the first comment and your work was my first read. And I just want you to know that I like this work of yours but on the other side, I guess it should have been rated M or should have, at least some age limit for the young readers. I do really love this work, but as I was reading it, your words brought me in some deep dark places and it made me felt like it was real. That is why I am telling you now that your writing is good and effective.

So please keep it up and I am hoping to see more of your work ahead.




Gravitem says...


Hey, thanks for the review, and welcome to YWS!!! And.. It is rated M!



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Mon Jun 29, 2020 3:23 pm
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silented1 wrote a review...



It’s been some months now, you’ve had a break.
I wish she never left but she did. I wish you continued this metaphor throughout your poem.

The cigarettes must’ve left some scars.
I know I hurt you with all that tar;
You’re the one that keeps me singing.
It must really suck to just keep clinging. The rhyme here feels a bit forced.

Right now my head is in a trance,
I can see you dying all the way.
When I look inside at every chance,
All I see is two air bags – dull and grey.

So these are my last words to you,
I know you’ll probably die tomorrow
But know I’ll just keep on abusing you
Because my head needs to be deader by tomorrow. You can remove "by tomorrow" because the rhyme in that line will cover for it. It breaks the flow too.

So just keep on breathing and let me feel the smoke.




Gravitem says...


mm, I agree. I'll edit it when I'm free.



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Mon Jun 29, 2020 9:27 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hey there @Gravitem I'm here to do a review on your poem witch I think to me just needs to be rated M but I guess that's just me.
I want to say that this was really good, to me I think that its something I would write if I'm having problems or somethings not going well. So I'm going to ask you this, are you okay?

I loved every line it was great to read every thing just got me think, what's going to happen next, from reading all of this about the smoke and stuff, its like it gave me this hot and cold feeling, its hard to describe it really.

One thing that I can say about it that I was not quit sure about was the rhythm of the riming was a bit all over the place, but I no how hard it is to get everything to rime and fit together nicely I mean really I no, so don't take it personally its just something I found. I think that you kind of started of with no riming and then it slowly got to riming, it just start of went on and of, but that's fine its still a really good poem and I love reading it, I'm not really supposed to be reading this that are rated, but I just took a peak and could not stop, I got hooked, but I don't think that's anything scarier then somethings that I have wrote, I'm being truthful here. But over all I loved this poem you really got all of the feelings across.

This is all that I can say about your poem, its a really good poem don't get me wrong I loved it. :D

I hope you have a great Day\Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




Gravitem says...


We only have a difference of half an hour, so I'll have a great day : ). And.. It is rated M. Thanks for the review Doss. I appreciate it.



Dossereana says...


Sure thing, I loved reading it. :D




What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines