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For the Sake of Love!

by Awru



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233 Reviews


Points: 16503
Reviews: 233

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Sat Aug 01, 2020 7:23 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello Awru! I saw your poem in the green room and thought I'd drop by for a review!

I like how straightforward this poem is - you say everything you want to say, and the flow of thoughts feels very connected. You don't introduce any random ideas in, and as a result the poem feels sort of united like a whole.

That being said, a lot of your language is quite literal. There's nothing wrong with that, but part of poetry is that it often uses figurative language that can't be taken literally. A few of my favourite lines use less literal imagery, such as

So many Mothers have put up their prices,
Murdered their wishes, hopes, and dreams,


because you can't actually murder your hopes and dreams, but it conveys the idea really well.

For that reason, I find your second-to-last stanza to be the strongest:
So many flowers of sorrow have bloomed in every garden,
So many tears have been shed,
A great many winds have sung songs,
A few mountains have even turned to ash,


So as a general comment, I would suggest trying to incorporate more figurate imagery into the poem. For example, if we look at the opening stanza
So many people have died,
So many people have sacrificed their hearts,
A great many have quietened their wishes,
A few have even broken themselves,


if we were to take all the literal language and make it more figurative, it could look like something along the lines of this:
So many people have died,
Letting their hearts be drowned -
Many have muffled their wishes in the waves,
And some have let the current tear them apart.


Of course it doesn't have to use water imagery, and it doesn't even have to be like that at all, that's just an example.

Another thing I want to mention is capitalization. In poetry, capitalization is really used as a stylistic choice, and there are no hard rules - you could capitalize the beginning of every line (like you did here), not capitalize the beginning of every line but capitalize proper nouns/pronouns (such as "Sarah" or "I"), or not capitalize anything at all. It's completely up to you as the poet! So, I won't say that capitalizing every line as you've done is wrong, but it is good to keep in mind what sort of effect that has on the poem. Capitalizing each line gives it a formal, slightly removed feel, whereas not capitalizing anything makes it feel more informal, personal, and raw. So just something to think about, depending on how you want the poem to feel!

Along those same lines, you've capitalized a lot of words, such as "Brother", "Sake of Love", "Soldiers", and "Passion". I'm not sure that I personally like having those words capitalized, but if you're using it for emphasis then that's up to you.

I like how you've repeated "All for the Sake of Love!" between each stanza, and I think it could be even more impactful if over the course of the poem you changed that line slightly. You could do this through punctuation, for example
1. All for the Sake of Love!
2. All for the Sake of Love.
3. All for the Sake of Love...
.
.
.
7. All for the Sake of Love --
This way, each line would take a slightly different meaning, as opposed to just repeating the same thing over and over. You could also choose to change the wording subtly - it's really whatever you want!

As a whole, I think you've got a really solid poem here! You might find it interesting to experiment with imagery, capitalization, and punctuation, and it might help develop your style even further. And this review is all just suggestions, so you can take it with a grain of salt :) If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

whatcha




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7 Reviews


Points: 3
Reviews: 7

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Sat Jul 25, 2020 2:13 pm
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ImaginaryPoet wrote a review...



Dear Awru,
This is a beautiful and shocking poem. It's very true that everyone gives up something for love, some more than others.
I have very few critiques, mostly in the last stanza (15).
First of all, in the 6th line of Stanza 15, you say "is what supports Homo sapiens". This was a weird and slightly confusing line for me since mankind isn't normally referred to by their Latin name. It broke up the smoothness of the poem, and I feel that you could have gotten your message through with some other phrase for humans, one that is more commonly used.
Also, when you say "this world is not collapsing, / Just for the Sake of Love," do you mean that love is keeping this world from falling apart? Or are you stating that the world isn't collapsing, and the "Just for the Sake of Love," is part of the next line? This section confused me a little but still sounded very good.
Lastly, and this is just my opinion, I felt that when you had "All for the Sake of Love!" in between each stanza, it seemed as if you were yelling it, which was very different from the smooth, soft words of the rest of the poem. I had a little bit of a hard time getting past that.
Other than those few suggestions, I LOVED your poem. It's beautiful, and you definitely have talent. I can't wait to see more of your work!
Sincerely,
Ghost_Pianist





We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer