Young Writers Society

Hey there Haraya, you requested a review in my WRFF thread months ago, and I'm finally here!

So I was immediately impressed when I saw this scrolling through the YWS poetry-scene and am super sorry that I didn't get to this review earlier -> I took a bit of a break with my WRFF thread but have been back for RevMo.

You've formatted the poetry in a way that immediately is going to force readers to take a double-take, and yet it all still looks very polished and intentional.

Now let's get to the content!

Meaning
The poem is a beautiful take on life/birth and dying/death told from the perspective of the sun. One of the hardest things about nature poems is to make it something that a reader can have empathy for or emotional connection too, because "hey I'm not a leaf, so why would I care about a leaf" (humans are pretty selfish in that if we can't see our own lives reflected in something we often don't care!) but by painting the whole sun's existence in the context of a family (of clouds, and sea, and heavens, and sky) you've pulled on our heartstrings as we write our own familial relations in there and then we can latch on to these sentiments about life and death and read our own emotions too. The end of the poem I felt had a very clean feeling of closure too even though it was "sad" the poem died, we know that the sun rises again -> relating to human life / death this might be a commentary on how life continues on within nature (ie. our bodies bear fruit for the next generation) or even a consideration of reincarnation. There was just a wonderful cleanness and closure to the end.

Formatting

So you've nailed this! To me the poem looks like the sun rise high in the sky being reflected into a sun set in the water and the experience of reading a poem aligned right rather than aligned left is disorienting just like thinking about a sun being born so it really makes the reader pause and get pulled into each line, then when the poem gets aligned left we naturally read faster and it really does feel like even the pacing mimics life through death. The East to West motif created a cyclical sort of theme through the words and form and imagery. (beautiful inclusion of the language note at the end too, I like how you formatted that and included it as a genuine part of the poem, almost as like a footnote for an added nugget for the curious reader to dive even deeper into the poem.

I also love how you've rounded the formatting and I even like how some of the lines are uneven as it gives the illusion of sun beams stretching out on top and reflections off of waves I think. Good choice on the middle line too as kind of the climactic point of existence.

It reminds me of a poem I wrote once about someone reaching for stars and then realizing that the stars were only reflections, and your poem makes me want to re-write my own to add some cool formatting element. (side-note, if this was in a book or a journal, it would be totally cool to have that last stanza actually formatted upside down so the reader has to turn the page to finish it - though I realize that may be impractical on a web-based poem).

You did so many clever repetitions from the first half to the second half, and really seamlessly so nothing seems forced too it almost reminds me of a modified palindrome poem where it could be read backwards and forwards and you even got some excellent alliteration in there too.

Color and Image
I really enjoyed how color became a theme that indicated emotion and change throughout the poem from the cerulean to the indigo and scarlet ~ that was really clever, and I'm happy that you chose more evocative colors than "yellow" and "blue" too <if you know much about me, I'm very picky about color names; thus my obsession over the color "dark cyan" vs "teal" >

Critiques
This is really one of the cleanest well polished poems I've read in a bit (and I've been reading a lot of amazing poetry lately!) so I'm going to be really stretching for critiques.

1) I think personally I would change "it" to "he" in the repeated chorus "it crawled / walked / ran" (which by the way, I love how you flipped ! kind of a genius moment! I think that would make the personification more poignant than "it".

2) For some reason I felt a little sad that the sea in terms of being a mother didn't get a shout out at the end. In the beginning the sea was a mother bearing a child from her womb ~ beautiful, and fascinating imagery. But at the end she's just an object excavated, could she collect her dead child in her arms? or could they be buried along side each other? I just feel like that didn't have as much clean-continuity and I'm not sure what it would mean for a mother to be "excavated" but the metaphor kind of falls apart in the second half for me. (though on the other hand I do like that you rhymed womb / tomb, and I am a fan of that motif -> it reminds me actually how baptismal fonts used to be purposely shaped as wombs or tombs because from there you are born and also killed so you can be reborn into new life -> as Martin Luther would say "baptism is a daily dying and rising".

I really am struggling to think of anything else to critique, this is just an extremely solid poem. I think you should definitely consider sending it in to some poetry contests / journals as this is the type of nicely polished poem that I could absolutely see reading in a published piece.

I didn't have any issues with the extra "ands" at the beginnings of lines; in some languages the extra usage of conjunctions is what signals to a reader that you are experiencing narrative or poetry rather than a list or formula, so I think incorporating extra conjunctions is completely natural. The punctuation and capitalization all seemed meaningful and consistent too so no critiques there as well.

I think that's all I've got! If you had questions on something specific that I missed or if part of my review doesn't make sense please feel free to respond / ask questions! Hopefully this was helpful!

~ alliyah

Happy Review Month

Hey Haraya! I'm Jade and I'm going to be reviewing your poem!

First of all, your unique description and format caught my eye. It's beautiful and well-done. I'm not just here to praise you though, I want to help.

One problem I have is the number of ands you have at the beginning of lines. Your flow is so good but this kind of makes it a tiny bit weaker. I get it's to keep consistency but it, though also used a lot, is stronger and would give it more of a rocking feeling. It's your poem though and that is my only complaint. Your words are so captivating, I can tell how hard you've worked. Keep writing!

Jade

This is a very beautifully-written poem. Like what Em16 said, I love the way you structure your poem on the page. It oddly reminds me of the yin and yang symbol, which I think kind of fits in with the way your poem begins and ends with the sun just coming up and then submerging into the tomb of the sea. I can tell that you pick your words carefully, they are all simple yet extremely evocative in the sense that the image that you are trying to paint instantly come into my mind. I like how you portray the shift of the mood by describing the changing colours of the sky, the colour wordings like "scarlet", "indigo" and "cerulean" really brings out the beauty of the sky, and again, projects a wonderful picture in my mind. The personification of the sun also gives off a mystic vibe to the poem. Overall, I really love this piece, it's very well-written, so please keep writing!

I love the format of this piece! It’s so creative to have it start on the right side of the page, like in the east, and end on the left side, like in the west.
Your first line is really strong. I love the way you compare the sea to “a womb”. That’s a great metaphor. The first few lines are rich in metaphor and imagery, and entice the reader with their intricacy.
I was confused, however, by the phrase “his flame turned ablaze”. I’ve never seen the word “ablaze” used in that way before. Usually, the sentence is “set ablaze” or “is ablaze”. I understand it’s a change, that the flame is burning brighter, but the word “ablaze” just doesn’t seem to fit.
I love the detail of the “cerulean sky”. You have so many creative word choices here. I also love the way you reverse the order of “it crawled / and walked / and ran”. It adds symmetry to the piece, as does the contrast between the “ruby robes” and the “scarlet shrouds” of the heavens.
I love the way you end with the sun going back into its “tomb”. The comparison between the sun in the sky and the cycle of life and death is beautiful. It feels so poetic, and makes something as simple as the sun’s journey feel so powerful and significant. Great job with this piece! It’s absolutely wonderful.