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Not today

by diphylleia

It is a new day. 

My mind is awake and my body is not. 

The light of the sun comes from the window

the singing of birds and the smell of flowers are too

What I'll do today ? 

What destiny is hiden to me ? 

Will I know who am I finally ? 

Or it will be just an other ordinary day ?

I still in my bed

Nowhere to go, and nobody to talk with

Nothing to do, but write some things and read

I paint too, bad paintings but I love to

And cooking is one of my habits too

But not today, I want nothing today

I just wanna sleep, so I

So I can wake up tomorrow

And begin again

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Points: 90
Reviews: 4

Tue Jun 30, 2020 3:58 am
TheStreamLights wrote a review...

I really like this poem. I love how everything implements morning and night. like "My mind is awake and my body is not." And my favorite part is the last 3 lines "I just wanna sleep, so I
So I can wake up tomorrow And begin again" It puts this story into a loop (well I guess that is what life is) that never ends, I mean until death of course. It's cool how you incorporated destiny and time Because then you can talk about "how destiny AWAITS us" (lines along that path).

So end the end the only criticism I have is very very very very very small. Get ready for It....... "<I> still in bed"


diphylleia says...

Dear, thank you for your review
I'd like to tell more, but I think it was enough for that poem
maybe in another one

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33 Reviews

Points: 303
Reviews: 33

Wed Jun 03, 2020 5:28 pm
nanda wrote a review...

Yeah! Great job.
Well written. I am quite impressed with this work of yours .
So, talking about language, it's a bit ordinary but not bad. In fact, it's good.
Altogether a good literary work. And quite relatable too.
The way it projects the tendency of lazying around on certain days is beautiful. I must say, I am quite habitual of doing that.
But overall a really good piece of work. But then again I would say, that you can be much better. As for now, good luck keep it up and keep writing!

Best wishes

diphylleia says...

Thank you Mahira !

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56 Reviews

Points: 3854
Reviews: 56

Wed Jun 03, 2020 3:37 pm
StarlitMind wrote a review...

Hey there!
This poem sounds very relatable, which is nice! Readers get more invested into works that they can relate to. There are some things I'd like to point out. You don't have to take all of my suggestions :)

You capitalize the beginning of all the lines except for line four,"the singing of birds and the smell of flowers are too" I would recommend being consistent in your capitalization.

"I still in my bed"
I'm not sure what you meant here. Perhaps "I sit in my bed" or "I am still in my bed"?

"My mind is awake and my body is not." This is a personal suggestion, but I would change the "and" to "but" to suggest a contrast, as well as add a comma, so it would read "My mind is awake, but my body is not."

"What I'll do today ?

What destiny is hiden to me ?

Will I know who am I finally ?

Or it will be just an other ordinary day ?"
I wouldn't recommend putting a space between the last word and the question mark.

"I paint too, bad paintings but I love to"
I would personally put a comma after "paintings" so it would read "I paint too, bad paintings, but I love to"

"I just wanna sleep, so I
So I can wake up tomorrow"
You repeated the words "so I" twice.

Your poem lacks imagery and figurative language. I think taking time to express each thought in more colourful ways will greatly enhance your poem. Everything seems to be plain and straightforward, so adding more vivid language will elevate your poem.

Overall, this is a nice and fun poem. I enjoyed reading it :) Good job, and keep writing!

diphylleia says...

Thank you %uD83D%uDE00%uD83D%uDE00

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32 Reviews

Points: 1606
Reviews: 32

Wed Jun 03, 2020 8:44 am
sulagna wrote a review...

Hi diphylleia,
Here I am to review...
I would like to say a number of things:

1. First of all your theme is a unique one. Loved it.

2. I loved the line "My mind is awake and my body is not. "
This line beautifully explained in the poem. This thing is really common in people when sometimes you want to do something but your body is not willing to.

3."The light of the sun comes from the window

the singing of birds and the smell of flowers are too'

Yess ,so as I always say there is always a part to explain more even in poems!
So this part I just thought you could have just expanded in your own way !

4."I paint too, bad paintings but I love to

And cooking is one of my habits too

But not today, I want nothing today"

This is the main part which I loved . You want to do something but you dont wanna move too.

As I have always told that writing a poem is not as easy as writing a paragraph or a short story....Really you have done well..

Keep writing !
From Sulagna

diphylleia says...

Thank you so much !

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68 Reviews

Points: 49
Reviews: 68

Tue Jun 02, 2020 10:26 pm
Em16 wrote a review...

Specific Comments:
Line 1: I love the line “my mind is awake and my body is not”. It’s so contradictory, and yet so true. I completely understand the feeling you’re referring to.
Line 6: Do you mean “hidden”?
Lines 5-9: I love the way you phrase questions about the speaker’s identity. The action of questioning oneself is something everyone can relate to. However, I would suggest adding more detail to the speaker’s questions. What are their specific questions? Are they asking whether they will be a musician or a doctor? Have they recently had an experience that made them question their identity even more? I’d like to know more specifics about the speaker’s identity crisis.
L12-14: I like the way you describe the speaker’s hobbies. Hobbies and interests are a vital part of someone’s identity. I think elaborating on this some more could add complexity and detail to the speaker’s identity crisis. Why do they like to paint? How do they know their paintings are bad? Did someone tell them that, or have they reached the conclusion themselves? Do they want to be a painter?
L17-18: I love these last lines. I can completely relate to the speaker’s feelings. They don’t know who they are, so they don’t want to be themselves, and just want to sleep.

General Comments:
Great job! This poem hit a lot of universal themes and feelings. I love the way you describe the speaker’s confusion over their identity. I get the sense there’s a bit of self-deprecation there, too, as the speaker seems to downplay their hobbies. Maybe the reason they’re so confused is not because they don’t know who they are, but because they don’t like who they are (that’s just my interpretation).
The one critique I would have is to try and be more specific. The language you use is very plain and very straightforward. I would suggest adding in a little more nuance. Use metaphors or similes to describe the speaker’s emotions or their questions. Try to produce in the reader the same doubt the speaker feels. And I’d suggest describing more of the specifics about the speaker. They have a really good narrative voice, but I don’t have a real sense of who they are. What past experiences have shaped them? What has their life been like?
On a side note, I noticed there weren’t any stanzas, and all the lines had lots of space between them. I don’t know if that was intentional or just because that’s the default way the YWS website formats poetry. If you want to format it in a more traditional way, check out this post: How to Format Poetry
Overall, though, this was a great poem. I understood what the speaker was feeling and saying and I could feel it too. I look forward to reading more of your work!

diphylleia says...

Thank you ! I really appreciate your review. I'll do a better one in the future

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950 Reviews

Points: 123631
Reviews: 950

Tue Jun 02, 2020 8:52 pm
alliyah wrote a review...

Hi there! Here to review your poem.

Formatting & Punctuation
While in poetry one doesn't have to follow conventional punctuation or grammar rules, it is still important to use punctuation as a tool to communicate meaning or aid reading in a way that is intentional. That being said, I think you should try to stay consistent on zero punctuation or some punctuation, because there were a couple random commas in, but not all commas that would communicate grammatical meaning. Also it is normally not conventional to put a space between the word and the question mark. End punctuation can go right next to the word without a space or it ends up sticking out quite a bit.

I would also recommend trying to standardize the line length a bit so that the poem flows better and looks more even on the page.

There were a few times that you phrased lines in ways that weren't so typical, and sounded a bit off to me -> mostly having to do with using pronouns.

"Will I know who am I finally ? " -> would sound less odd, "Will I know who I am finally?" or "Will I finally know who I am?"

"I just wanna sleep, so I
So I can wake up tomorrow" -> you used "so I" twice in a row.

"I still in my bed" -> should be "I am still in my bed" or "While still in my bed"

I would recommend reading the entire poem aloud to help catch these mistakes.

I didn't really find the poem humorous though it was put under that category, but the feeling of waking up and considering the possibilities of the day is one I can relate to.

It felt like the poem kind of had two themes though one was "I'm too tired to do anything" and one was "wow maybe awaking is great and I'll learn something new". Right now those two themes are in conflict but don't really connect. If you're going to keep both of them in, you need to address the tension a bit more clearly, because right now the reflections of what the person wanted to do felt a little disconnected. We don't hear the reasoning behind why they'd rather sleep than start the day. The theme also doesn't feel very significant to me; a poem need not cover a life changing theme, but there should be a reason that the poem has been written -> either to evoke empathy, teach or explore something, or reflect on something interesting or important, I'm not getting much of that yet.

Keep on writing! :)

all the best,

- alliyah


diphylleia says...

Thank you for your review !

alliyah says...

You're very welcome! :)

You wanna be a writer? You don't know how or when? Find a quiet place, use a humble pen.
— Paul Simon