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My life in the lockdown

by MoonIris

Staying at home,

It’s been some time.

Hiding from corona,

killing like anaconda.

Changes can be seen,

we can’t be freed.

Feeling in a prison,

but the outside is poison.

Looking outside,

knowing that people died,

because they needed to live a free life,

but the virus hit them with a knife.

So I stay inside,

I can’t go to the world that is so wide.

I’m captured, nothing like before,

I can’t go and be with the nature that I adore.

I see my friends,

But I can’t hug them until it ends.

I want to break the glass,

Feel the green grass,

And be free one more time.

I can’t go and see the world,

I may end up in the underworld.

The killer is after us,

Going outside can’t be disscusseed

We must stay inside.

My life has changed,

The virus, created

in humans, fear and death.

But I pick a pen, a paintbrush,

And all the negativity is crushed.

It takes me away,

Again today,

To see the most beautiful place of all,

The imagination waterfall

So the lockdown,

Turned my life upside down

But when I travel to the center of my imagination,

I found my salvation.

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62 Reviews

Points: 4279
Reviews: 62

Thu May 28, 2020 9:26 pm
StarlitMind wrote a review...

Hey! This is a really nice piece of poetry, and as mentioned below, one we all can relate to! It's more enjoyable to read a piece of poetry when you can really connect to it <3
My biggest critique would be to use stanzas. Stanzas really help making poetry less intimidating :) I think dividing your poem into stanzas would help with the overall flow and would make it an easier read.
The other thing I noticed was your rhyme scheme. You have a pretty consistent rhyme scheme (AA, BB, CC, etc.), but in some places, it isn't consistent. For example, "Staying at home,/ It’s been some time." Another example is "We must stay inside./ My life has changed,/ The virus, created/ in humans, fear and death." Having a consistent rhyme scheme will also contribute to good flow.
And and Em16 said, adding more imagery and descriptive language will take this to the next level.
Overall, I really enjoyed your poem! It was a fun piece to read :)
Thank you for sharing!!

MoonIris says...

I'm glad you liked it. I tried to add stanzas but then it removes them. Could you help me? Thanks

StarlitMind says...

Oh yes, I have the same problem too. What you can do is add underscores between your stanzas (__) or ~ between your stanzas, or really anything so your spaces don%u2019t disappear! :)

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33 Reviews

Points: 303
Reviews: 33

Thu May 28, 2020 2:59 pm
nanda says...

Beautiful. You can try free verse as well. Free verse poetries sound good. To read one such read Around Me. But altogether it was a fabulous poetry. and quite a relatable one too! I loved it and wish you a good luck for future.

MoonIris says...

Thank you!

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36 Reviews

Points: 2943
Reviews: 36

Mon May 25, 2020 6:17 am
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mememimer wrote a review...

A piece of writing that nearly everybody can relate to! Everybody is desperate to leave their homes and return to their normal lives, missing their friends and families. But if we can make good out of this virus, then it would be exploring ourselves!

The acceptance and realization, that the virus is there and that we can't do anything except try new things or perfect ourselves in the ones we love to do, is smoothly brought out by you. You have an escape, "The imagination waterfall", an escape from reality that helps you calm down.

I felt like the following line could be edited:
"Feeling in a prison"

"Going outside can’t be disscusseed"
Instead of writing 'disscusseed' you could write 'discussed'.

Apart from these changes, I really enjoyed reading your work! Keep writing!

Best wishes,

MoonIris says...

I really appreciate the review! I'll make sure to look at those two mistakes.

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69 Reviews

Points: 174
Reviews: 69

Mon May 25, 2020 12:18 am
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Em16 wrote a review...

First off, nice job with the rhyme scheme! A rhyme scheme can often feel forced and constricted, but I felt this rhyme scheme flowed quite naturally. You also did a nice job addressing all the key elements of the lockdown. I especially loved where you said “the outside is poison”. That is such a clever way to put it.
I like the way you juxtapose the speaker’s desires and reality. You say what the speaker wishes were true, for example, that they want to “feel the green grass”. But then you go on to describe the reality, which is that if they go outside, they may “end up in the underworld”.
I love also how you manage to put a positive spin on all this by talking about how writing and art have helped you. You have a place, “the imagination waterfall” where you can escape all the bad things happening. It’s ultimately a very hopeful message.
The one critique I would have is to try to add a lot more descriptions and figurative language. You have a lot of really great ideas, but I felt the language you used could be improved. There weren’t that many metaphors or similes, which, along with imagery, could make the poem that more real for the reader. There were a few similes/metaphors in the poem, and those were really strong points, like where you compared the coronavirus to an anaconda, and compared the outside to poison. I would encourage you to add even more of those. For example, could you describe what it’s like to be “captured”? Do you feel like your hands are tied and there’s a blindfold over you? Or is it more like you’re stuck in a room not knowing where you are or when you’ll leave? I’d just encourage you to try and paint the picture in the reader’s hand. You want them to be able to see what the poem is talking about.
Overall, though, this was a great poem and I could totally relate to what you were talking about. Nice work!

MoonIris says...

Thank you for the review. I'll try to use more descriptive and figurative vocabulary. I hope you're doing great! :)

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31 Reviews

Points: 1173
Reviews: 31

Sun May 24, 2020 9:17 pm
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thepages says...

I perticulary like your ending. It shows how you find solace in you imagination. I also do that some times, reminds me of a piece i published some time back "My World."
the pandemic has really disrupted humanity's social cycle. Only that i aint experienced with poetry, i can't really critique this piece.

MoonIris says...

I'm glad you enjoyed my ending! Thank you for the comment as well.

It's a dramatic situation almost every time you answer the phone—if you answer the phone.
— Matthew Weiner