Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

I saw somewhere that you'd asked for some reviews and I was looking for a story to read. So here I am.

First Impression: A tad bit rushed there to start off. A bit more description here and there would probably help slow the pacing down a bit. At the moment it feels like its moving a little to fast. But let's take a closer look.

“Tanya!” Mom shouted from upstairs, “Tanya! Are you ready?”

“Yes, I mean, no!” I yelled back, and I could hear mom groan from her room.

I swiftly grabbed the chips off the kitchen counter. Food, clothes, and various papers were strewn about the kitchen. The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers. I stuffed the chips into my bag and returned to the entryway.

The sound of my parents walking down the stairs echoed through the room and catches my attention. I turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs, carrying mom’s suitcase. Mom was following closely behind him.

“Ready to go?” Mom said, touching up her hair. She stopped to look in the mirror and applied another layer of lipstick. Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

“Yup! My bags in the car.” I replied, moving towards dad. Mom mumbled something about how it was “yes” and not “yup” while I asked dad, “Why can’t you come?”

I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car. She and dad hug one more time, then she starts moving to the car. Dad calls after her to call him when we arrive and she gives him a thumbs up.

“We’re going to be late!” Mom said as we dashed through the airport.

“Maybe it’s because we stopped for Starbucks,” I mumbled, but mom didn’t hear me.

“There’s Terminal C!” We turned and came to a stop. The airport windows let plenty of light in, nearly blinding us. Through the sunlight, I can see a white and gold plane. It looks as if it couldn’t even carry two people, let alone ten. The exterior is aged and paint is flaking off.

“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”

“Isn’t this neat?” Mom grinned, “This is what planes were like when I was your age. At 14, I had been on only one plane, but it was fantastic. Look! There’s a table!”

“Apparently. I can’t remember anything until I was 7, so I guess she was 17 then.” I pulled my hood over my head as the plane taxied to the runway, “I’m going to take a nap, wake me up when we get there.”

“Goodnight, dear,”

Ok, so. There's a lot that I notice that needs fixing, but that's ok! Improvement is always good!

I'll start with the bad first, get that out of the way. To be honest, it seems rather choppy, like you are rushing the plot. The description seems to be quick, it doesn't seem to allow the reader anytime to understand what the character's setting looks like, even if it is just for a short amount of time. There's no proper picture forming in my head of what the mother looks likes, what the dad or even how she looks. Take time to develop your characters, allow them to grow, and convey them through actions.

For example, with a character of mine, Warren.

Ex - It had started raining then, the pattering of it against the window had made my thoughts freeze for a second but then Vincent had brought me back to reality as my eyes stayed glued to the glass.

This shows the reader that the rain has some importance to him, affecting his thought process enough to make him pause and forget where he was, informing them that it may be associated with bad memories or other important ones. His eyes staying to the glass let them know as well that he is wary, unsure of the situation, even though he knows he's safe.

Use small details to convey your character, how they walk, talk, and react to certain situations. Give subtle hints! Don't be afraid to foreshadow. Take time to develop your characters and learn their personalities, it will help you write them in a smoother manner!

Another thing, you repeat words like Mom a lot and don't have names capitalized. Mom and Dad are names/nouns, so capitalize them!!! Mom is repeated a lot, so don't be afraid to use she, her, the woman, the lady that birthed me, etc. Just make sure it fits your character, that it's something that they would say!

Dialogue needs work since it seems to be bland, straight forward. It doesn't flow very well but I still struggle with that as well. Try saying your dialogue out loud, like you are in that conversation. It should help with the flow, and don't be afraid to add action when talking! I'll give you an example that I'm just gonna whip on up.

Ex - "Um, I'm not..." I paused looking at Vincent then at Marylin, who seemed to be holding her breath. "Vincent, I appreciate the concern but it's none of your business for the time being."

Putting actions in between dialogue, like looking from character to character, moving something around, taking a sip of a drink, just about anything a normal person would do when in a conversation, is good-to-use to add some spice!

Don't be afraid to look at books as well to help you understand different ways of writing dialogue. It really helps you get a grip on what you want when it comes to speaking, not to mention descriptive text and actions and everything else in between.

Otherwise, I'm curious as to where the story is going. Why the daughter seems a bit offish with both of her parents and why is the plane the way it is? You seem to be decent at keeping things interesting. Just add some description, spice up the dialogue, and work on your characters' personalities so that they aren't saltine crackers for too much longer!

-Cow

Hey Lucy!

Hope you're doing well and I hope you enjoyed that burger. xD I'm here for a review so let's get right to it, shall we?

The only reason I came back here is because I liked 'Wish I Was Home' so I came back for some more of your work! Let's see what you treat us with this time.

Tanya seems like a typical person, which I love, because it's very easy to relate with typical people most of the time. That's probably the main thing I like about any story - the main character has to be easy to relate to.

Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

“Yup! My bags in the car.”

I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car.

As mom pulled out of the driveway, I waved to dad and asked, “What type of plane is it?"

There’s no legroom.”

Hi there Lucy! Tuck here to give you a quick review tonight.

Overall, I like the family dynamic that you've established here. You have a relatable protagonist that I (and many other young adults) can connect with -- one who is disgruntled with her life and her parents, but still enjoys the privilege of being upper-middle-class. I think you've laid the potential for a complex and emotional relationship between Tanya and her mother, as well as potential for marital conflict/strife and an interesting relationship with her father.

That being said, I did notice that you had a tendency to info-dump in some places. The two I noticed were here:

Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

My dad was given the BBC by his father when he retired. Dad worked long hours and went on multiple long business trips a year, but apparently that’s part of being a CEO.

Hi Lucy!

I am here for a quick review.
I felt this was a nice and light hearted opening chapter. Tanya sounds like a fun and carefree girl. We just got a glimpse into their life and I think I am already interested in knowing more about her character in the following chapters.

The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers.

She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”

We entered it, which seemed to be straight out of the 1970s: stained red carpet, cringe-worthy furniture, and the only stewardess is dressed in hideous colors.

I don't think the comma is needed after "turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs" but I'm not sure. Some of the sentences that have commas in them I don't really think they are necessary.

And when you said, Dad worked long hours change that to He works long hours.

Change "she and dad" to they it makes more sense.

Remove the comma that is after Through the sunlight and just have that be one sentence

"I remember when she was little, and you were just a baby." should be I remember when she was little and you were just a baby.

I enjoyed reading your story! Remember these are just some suggestions that I think would work but if you don't think so you don't have to make any changes.