Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)
I saw somewhere that you'd asked for some reviews and I was looking for a story to read. So here I am.
First Impression: A tad bit rushed there to start off. A bit more description here and there would probably help slow the pacing down a bit. At the moment it feels like its moving a little to fast. But let's take a closer look.
“Tanya!” Mom shouted from upstairs, “Tanya! Are you ready?”
“Yes, I mean, no!” I yelled back, and I could hear mom groan from her room.
I swiftly grabbed the chips off the kitchen counter. Food, clothes, and various papers were strewn about the kitchen. The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers. I stuffed the chips into my bag and returned to the entryway.
The start is good. It's not too attention grabby but it isn't boring either which is good.
The sound of my parents walking down the stairs echoed through the room and catches my attention. I turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs, carrying mom’s suitcase. Mom was following closely behind him.
Little tense issue there. It should be caught.
“Ready to go?” Mom said, touching up her hair. She stopped to look in the mirror and applied another layer of lipstick. Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.
First of all that should be something along the lines of that was not counting.
Second as far as character introductions go this isn't the most effective way to do it. You should describe a couple of her features too so that the reader can get an image of her.
“Yup! My bags in the car.” I replied, moving towards dad. Mom mumbled something about how it was “yes” and not “yup” while I asked dad, “Why can’t you come?”
Either that's supposed to be bag's or it should be My bags are in.
I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car. She and dad hug one more time, then she starts moving to the car. Dad calls after her to call him when we arrive and she gives him a thumbs up.
Okay this whole paragraph and the next are in a different tense from the rest of the story. So it reads a bit weirdly. I think you should switch it all to past tense or change the rest of the story to match this.
“We’re going to be late!” Mom said as we dashed through the airport.
“Maybe it’s because we stopped for Starbucks,” I mumbled, but mom didn’t hear me.
That's a nice little line there.
“There’s Terminal C!” We turned and came to a stop. The airport windows let plenty of light in, nearly blinding us. Through the sunlight, I can see a white and gold plane. It looks as if it couldn’t even carry two people, let alone ten. The exterior is aged and paint is flaking off.
Here you don't have to say that it's aged. The fact that the paint is flaking off already tells the reader that. So chop that part.
“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”
Why was this plane ever cleared to fly?
“Isn’t this neat?” Mom grinned, “This is what planes were like when I was your age. At 14, I had been on only one plane, but it was fantastic. Look! There’s a table!”
That's a pretty clever way to mention her age.
“Apparently. I can’t remember anything until I was 7, so I guess she was 17 then.” I pulled my hood over my head as the plane taxied to the runway, “I’m going to take a nap, wake me up when we get there.”
“Goodnight, dear,”
Well not the most suspenseful ending but it does make you look forward to what's going to happen next so good job on that.
And that's it for that.
Overall: Pretty decent first chapter. Maybe slow it down just a little bit and stretch this into two longer scenes but other than that the characters seem to have some personality. They aren't very unique yet but then it is still the first chapter. And that's all I have to say.
And of course remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 1062
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