Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Mystery / Suspense

12+ Language

Gone Away - Chapter One - 797 Words

by LZPianoGirl


CHAPTER ONE

“Tanya!” Mom shouted from upstairs, “Tanya! Are you ready?”

“Yes, I mean, no!” I yelled back, and I could hear mom groan from her room.

I swiftly grabbed the chips off the kitchen counter. Food, clothes, and various papers were strewn about the kitchen. The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers. I stuffed the chips into my bag and returned to the entryway.

The sound of my parents walking down the stairs echoed through the room and catches my attention. I turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs, carrying mom’s suitcase. Mom was following closely behind him.

“Ready to go?” Mom said, touching up her hair. She stopped to look in the mirror and applied another layer of lipstick. Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

“Yup! My bags in the car.” I replied, moving towards dad. Mom mumbled something about how it was “yes” and not “yup” while I asked dad, “Why can’t you come?”

“I told you hun,” Dad patted my head, “I have to work. Baron Business Center isn’t going to run itself!”

I nodded and opened the front door. My dad was given the BBC by his father when he retired. Dad worked long hours and went on multiple long business trips a year, but apparently that’s part of being a CEO.

“Bye James,” Mom kissed dad on the cheek and hugged him.

“See you soon,” Dad pulled out of the hug and handed mom her bag. She opened the front door and motioned for me to go to the car. I walked down the asphalt driveway and entered the passenger seat of mom’s sedan.

I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car. She and dad hug one more time, then she starts moving to the car. Dad calls after her to call him when we arrive and she gives him a thumbs up.

She opens the door and sets her purse in between the seats. Mom throws her bag next to mine and starts the car.

“Let the adventure begin!” She exclaims, “Hopefully we don’t miss the plane.”

As mom pulled out of the driveway, I waved to dad and asked, “What type of plane is it?”

“It’s some old private jet,” the car turned a corner, “Fits about ten people.”

“And why are we taking it across the ocean?” I opened my chips.

“Normal airplanes are nasty, even first class. There’s no legroom.”

xXx

“We’re going to be late!” Mom said as we dashed through the airport.

“Maybe it’s because we stopped for Starbucks,” I mumbled, but mom didn’t hear me.

“There’s Terminal C!” We turned and came to a stop. The airport windows let plenty of light in, nearly blinding us. Through the sunlight, I can see a white and gold plane. It looks as if it couldn’t even carry two people, let alone ten. The exterior is aged and paint is flaking off.

“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”

“Don’t say that word! It looks fine.” Mom replied, walking to the ticket lady. She quickly scanned our tickets and rushed us to the plane. We entered it, which seemed to be straight out of the 1970s: stained red carpet, cringe-worthy furniture, and the only stewardess is dressed in hideous colors.

The only perk was that the seats were facing each other, like booths at a restaurant. I take a seat across from mom and buckle the seat belt.

“Isn’t this neat?” Mom grinned, “This is what planes were like when I was your age. At 14, I had been on only one plane, but it was fantastic. Look! There’s a table!”

Mom shook the table as if to show it off to me.

“Cool, mom,” I said, looking out the window, “How long is this trip?”

“The plane ride is six and a half hours, then our stay in Greece two weeks. I can’t wait!” Mom was smiling from ear to ear, “I can’t believe Janice is getting married! Oh, I remember when she was little, and you were just a baby. You both were just so cute.”

“Apparently. I can’t remember anything until I was 7, so I guess she was 17 then.” I pulled my hood over my head as the plane taxied to the runway, “I’m going to take a nap, wake me up when we get there.”

“Goodnight, dear,”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
407 Reviews


Points: 3882
Reviews: 407

Donate
Fri May 22, 2020 11:23 pm
Liberty wrote a review...



Hey Lucy!

Hope you're doing well and I hope you enjoyed that burger. xD I'm here for a review so let's get right to it, shall we?

The only reason I came back here is because I liked 'Wish I Was Home' so I came back for some more of your work! Let's see what you treat us with this time. :)

Tanya seems like a typical person, which I love, because it's very easy to relate with typical people most of the time. That's probably the main thing I like about any story - the main character has to be easy to relate to.

Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

* two hundred dollars - It's always suggested to write out the numbers.

“Yup! My bags in the car.”

*bag's

I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car.

*flung - You might want to watch out for your tenses in the later part of your story.

As mom pulled out of the driveway, I waved to dad and asked, “What type of plane is it?"

This sounds as if Tanya is waving to Dad and asking him the question. So probably add 'Mom' after 'asked'.

There’s no legroom.”

Lol okay xD

Oh well the plane doesn't look luxurious and it looks as if it's barely standing up so let's hope it doesn't crash! And we're going to a wedding! That's going to be super exciting - I wonder what'll happen there... owo

Alright, that's it for my review! Hopefully this helped in some sort of way. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm going to read the next chapter tomorrow right after we're done doing more planning for the new DTWH.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




User avatar
442 Reviews


Points: 18443
Reviews: 442

Donate
Fri May 22, 2020 1:17 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there Lucy! Tuck here to give you a quick review tonight.

Overall, I like the family dynamic that you've established here. You have a relatable protagonist that I (and many other young adults) can connect with -- one who is disgruntled with her life and her parents, but still enjoys the privilege of being upper-middle-class. I think you've laid the potential for a complex and emotional relationship between Tanya and her mother, as well as potential for marital conflict/strife and an interesting relationship with her father.

That being said, I did notice that you had a tendency to info-dump in some places. The two I noticed were here:

Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

Rather than stating that "she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom", you can describe her physical features and let the reader come to their own conclusion about her beauty. You can describe a time when Tanya's mom took care of her, or how the house was always perfectly neat and clean, or something else to give the information they need to come to that same conclusion.

My dad was given the BBC by his father when he retired. Dad worked long hours and went on multiple long business trips a year, but apparently that’s part of being a CEO.

This is slightly more subtle than the previous one, but there are still better ways to incorporate this information. You can mention that he often misses family dinners because he stays late, or that he often missed weekend activities or sporting games or social functions because of his work. You could mention memories that Tanya has where her dad isn't present because of a business trip. Finally, the reader doesn't need to know that Tanya's dad received the BBC from his father. That information can wait for a future chapter so that you don't overwhelm the reader with information within the first few paragraphs.

I hope these comments were helpful for you, and if you have any questions about my review please feel free to reach out!

Best,
Tuck




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the great review, Tuck!



User avatar
83 Reviews


Points: 2828
Reviews: 83

Donate
Thu May 21, 2020 7:58 pm
View Likes
Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Lucy!

I am here for a quick review.
I felt this was a nice and light hearted opening chapter. Tanya sounds like a fun and carefree girl. We just got a glimpse into their life and I think I am already interested in knowing more about her character in the following chapters.

The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers.

dad's Small typo.

She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

Haha, I like how you introduced Mom. She sounds like a beauty queen. I hope she's a funny character.

“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”

I hope it won't crash lol

We entered it, which seemed to be straight out of the 1970s: stained red carpet, cringe-worthy furniture, and the only stewardess is dressed in hideous colors.

Not a very luxurious flight. :P

So finally at the end we got to know a little information about what's possibly ahead of us. You are taking us to a wedding :D. There is written suspense and mystery written in your description of novel. So I am filled with excitement what all things will happen now. There's a lot that could go wrong in a wedding, a lot of drama and a lot fun. (Pardon my silly imaginations)

Overall it's a nice start. I will be looking forward to read more. I am expecting a lot from this story.

Keep writing :)




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review!! I love your guesses and will tag you when I post Ch. 2! <3



Hkumar says...


Yess



User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 309
Reviews: 17

Donate
Mon May 18, 2020 6:43 pm
madisonperkins59 wrote a review...



I don't think the comma is needed after "turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs" but I'm not sure. Some of the sentences that have commas in them I don't really think they are necessary.

And when you said, Dad worked long hours change that to He works long hours.

Change "she and dad" to they it makes more sense.

Remove the comma that is after Through the sunlight and just have that be one sentence

"I remember when she was little, and you were just a baby." should be I remember when she was little and you were just a baby.

I enjoyed reading your story! Remember these are just some suggestions that I think would work but if you don't think so you don't have to make any changes.




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review! By the way, you can quote certain parts by copying and pasting the part you want to mention in between
and [*/quote] (without the *). It ends up like this:
"I remember when she was little, and you were just a baby."

Anyways, thanks for the review! I appreciate it!



LZPianoGirl says...


oof I mean [*quote] and [*/quote] without the *





@LZPianoGirl How did you get it like that?



LZPianoGirl says...


So you put the words you want to quote (let's say.... reading) in between [*quote] and [*/quote] but without the stars*. So, if you do that, it should look like this:
reading



LZPianoGirl says...


This is the link to all the YWS codes: The Big Book of YWS Codes




"People should not be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people."
— V for Vendetta