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Unusual Noises Part-1

by sulagna


“Dear, do hurry!” said Carol’s mother.

Oh yes I know, replied Carol putting one slice of bread in her mouth .

Carol was a 13 year old girl who lives near the Church Street in England.

Carol kissed her mother and rushed towards the main door. Fortunately ,she was not late to school.

As soon as she seated herself on her seat she was surrounded by her friends- Drake, Margaret and Mellissa. “Hey ! did You get to buy the latest book?” asked Drake curiously.

“ummmm no not yet ..” said Mellissa.

“Oh guys don’t worry ! hopefully today I will get It.” Exclaimed Carol with a wide smile on her face.

These are Carols friends or I would say best buddies. They all love to read the tales of Sherlock holmes and are always waiting to hear or read the great deeds of Holmes.

“Ok then as soon as u get it please don’t forget to call me.” said Margaret .

“ Oh yes, Margo that goes without saying..” informed Carol.

Their conversation was broken after the entry of their Physics teacher, Sir Hawkings.

After the school Carol rushed to her house with great excitement.

“Heyyy momma! I am back!”

“Did you attend your classes well?” asked her mother.

“Oh ya ya” said Carol.

“Carol dear do be serious about your studies.”

“Yess mom but do you remember something....”

Mother did not let Carol finish her sentence and said with a anger on her face,”when will you grow up?? I have told you so many times to concentrate on your studies rather than doing naughtiness in class.”

Just go back to your room! Immediately !!

By this time Carol ‘s face had became quiet upset. She quietly went to her room and slammed herself in till dinner. Margaret and Drake had tried calling her but she did not pick any of the calls.

The next day was Drake’s birthday !

On the other hand Carol bewildered how to face her friends . As she was coming down for breakfast there was a ring at her door.

As mom was busy in kitchen she went to open the door. She was both happy and shocked seeing Drake appearing at her door.

“Hey!? Ummmm Isn’t your birthday today??” said Carol

“Oh yes ! You remember well .”said Drake.

“Whats that in your hand? “ asked carol .

“Oh yes this is something for you “ said Drake with a cute little smile.

“For me?! But what is it??” asked Carol

“Open and see it yourself”

Carol took the box and after unwrapping it she saw... the new book of Sherlock holmes which she wanted to buy!

“Hey !? isn’t it cool??”asked Drake

“Oh yes ! why are you giving me?”

“Its just a present which I got from my granny” said Drake

“So ....its your present ...do not give me..” said Carol

“Ya it is ...but I want you to take it as a present from me..” said Drake in an unusual manner

“So are you sure ...You want to give it to me??”

“Yess”said Drake

Then a wide smile came over Carols face which in turn also delighted Drake.

She went hoping and told her mom about it. She was so excited that she ran to the kitchen and completely forgot about Drake.

Drake,on the other hand seemed to be more happy than Carol. He quietly slipped off and went to his house whistling all the way.

There are certain times when people seem to be more delighted than the actual person.

At noon they all decided to meet at mellissa’s place and would read the story together.

At noon they were all ready at Mellissa’s house on time.

They all read the story with great interest and curiosity. After reading the story book they started discussing about how Holmes is so cool and smart.

“He is adorable !”exclaimed Mellisa

“Yes ! he is so intelligent how he manages to find out the truth?” said Carol

“how wonderful it would be if we were also detectives just like him” added Carol

“We are still kids, Carol” said Drake

“Oh, can’t I just imagine” said carol

“Oh Oh Don’t be angry ...it was my mistake ...I apologise” said Drake

“Oh yes I remembered one thing!

Hey I found out that Mr. Graven ,you remember??

Had shifted to another place two months ago..” said Mellissa

“Oh yes I do remember that gloomy and mysterious old man”. Said Margaret

“yes so I have heard people saying that now a days some mysterious noises come from his house. “said Mellissa

‘oh really???”asked Carol

“yes “ replied Mellissa

“So I have a great idea!” said carol

We can go and find out the reason behind those noises. Said Carol

“wow ...sounds Fun “ exclaimed Margaret

“I am in “said Mellissa

“But don’t you think its silly??to go in somebody’s house without informing?” said Drake

“Please don’t behave like my mom!” said Carol

“but Carol it is not safe” said drake

“Oh whatever I must go! And I will !” exclaimed Carol

“Ok then I will also join..” said Drake not leave Carol like that

“so Today night we will go to find out the truth about the haunted house” said Carol

And then every body enjoyed the snackes given by Mellissa’s mother.


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Fri May 22, 2020 5:20 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey sulagna! I'm back, just as requested :D

“Dear, do hurry!” said Carol’s mother.


As far as an introduction to a story goes, there's not much here? It does pose the question, where are they going in a hurry, as well as who Carol is, and there's not much of a story hook. I don't think it's a bad first line, if it's the one you like, since as I said, it does raise those two questions.

Oh yes I know, replied Carol putting one slice of bread in her mouth .


There should be quotation marks around "Oh yes, I know", as well as a comma after "Carol" and no space between "mouth" and the period.

As soon as she seated herself on her seat she was surrounded by her friends- Drake, Margaret and Mellissa.


First quick thing: generally you want to avoid repetition (aside from structure words that crop up all the time like "the" "at" "she" "on" and so on) of word like this in prose because it's distracting and disrupts the flow of your story (and we want the reader to be absorbed in the story, not stuck on some tiny errors that are easily fixed). For example, this line could be "As soon as she was seated [in her class?], her friends--Drake, Margaret, and Mellissa--flocked around her."

This would also be a good place to describe where she is! Since I'm assuming she didn't get to school and immediately collapse onto the floor (which would be pretty funny but impractical), I think you mean that she went to her class? Or maybe it's after class at lunch hour, and they're now all sitting together during their break? Don't be afraid to description the setting and what's going on around her! It immerses the reader more in your story and gives them a better picture they can imagine as they read!

“Hey ! did You get to buy the latest book?” asked Drake curiously.


Aside from the small grammatical things (should be "Hey! Did you get to buy the latest book?"), there's a few things I want to comment on? Firstly, what latest book? There's a thousand latest books. Latest book from a specific author? Latest cookbook recommended by your favourite chef? Just saying "the latest book" doesn't offer any insight into what book Drake is talking about. Don't be afraid to get specific!

Secondly, adding "curiously" to the dialogue tag is redundant. If he's asking, this already implies he's curious. It's the same as writing "he ran quickly" (running is inherently quick, the only way that you would add an adverb onto "running" that wouldn't already be implied is if it was something like "he ran slowly", because running is not inherently slow). Watch for adding adverbs, especially onto dialogue tags, to make sure they actually add something to the prose instead of just repeating something that's already there!


Have I dumped enough text on you already? ;)


They all love to read the tales of Sherlock holmes and are always waiting to hear or read the great deeds of Holmes.


Okay, so they all love Sherlock Holmes! Then I would have written on the earlier line "Hey! Have you gotten to buy the latest Sherlock Holmes story yet?" I might even throw in something like "The latest mystery was crazy! I can't believe what happened at the end!" because that adds more substance, but it's not necessary at all!

“Ok then as soon as u get it please don’t forget to call me.” said Margaret .


When you're writing dialogue (or general prose), you don't want to use "text speech". If you're writing a written or text conversation, go for it! But in this instance, "u" should be "you."
Also! when you finish dialogue, and a dialogue tag follows that dialogue (as it does here), the ending punctuation mark should be a comma! In this line, you put a period, which would apply if "said Margaret" didn't follow it.

“Yess mom but do you remember something....”

Mother did not let Carol finish her sentence and said with a anger on her face,”when will you grow up?? I have told you so many times to concentrate on your studies rather than doing naughtiness in class.”

Just go back to your room! Immediately !!


I'm not sure why her mother is getting so angry with Carol? She didn't say anything that would suggest she wasn't paying attention to her studies or "not growing up" (also,, she's thirteen?? If she was seventeen or eighteen, that would make sense, but this seems a little young?). The only thing was that she was a little dismissive, but her mum didn't ask anything specific about her studies, just if she attended her classes (to which she did say "ya"), so I'm not sure why her mum is suddenly so angry with her.

By this time Carol ‘s face had became quiet upset.


Instead of telling the reader that she had an upset expression on her face, describe how she's expressing her frustration. Is she scowling? Frowning? Are her cheeks red? Does she grit her teeth and clench her fists? Or maybe she's just upset at her mother's anger and there are tears in her eyes. Each of these reactions has a slightly different implication as to how exactly Carol is feeling.

(I also believe you meant "quite" and not "quiet" :) )

“For me?! But what is it??” asked Carol


Like text speech, in normal prose, you don't put more than one punctuation mark (unless it's an ellipsis "..."). The interrobang is fine, but there should only be one question mark.


When you do use punctuation (that isn't the common period, comma, quotation marks, or anything else used in everyday prose) like an ellipsis (or em dashes, in my experience), you don't want to overuse them, because the more you use them the more they lose the impact they otherwise have in prose (ellipsis in dialogue are generally to mark a pause or hesitation in speech, but if used too much, it's easy to brush over them and lose the effect you want to have for your character's dialogue).

I only pointed this out because you used quite a few ellipses in the exchange between Carol and Drake when he gives her the Sherlock Holmes novel!


“Oh, can’t I just imagine” said carol

“Oh Oh Don’t be angry ...it was my mistake ...I apologise” said Drake


I'm,, not sure I understand what Drake is apologising for? Carol doesn't seem angry (Also, Carol should always be capitalised in prose!) in context or in her dialogue, and Drake said something that was true.


Querencia already covered that the story has mostly dialogue and suggested ways to help remedy that, so I'm not going to bring it up now.

I would suggest finding some sort of editor (like Grammarly, or if you have Microsoft Word it should catch some grammar stuff -- though it is not very reliable for everything) to catch some of the grammatical issues? I didn't point out all the them (I generally don't find those kinds of reviews very helpful so I try to avoid writing them), but the prose is stilted somewhat by those issues (which are not hard to fix, and happen to everyone :) ).


I might suggest that, rather than having the kids having heard someone else say they heard strange noises coming from the abandoned house, that one of them might have passed the house on a walk and heard something strange themselves. This gives them more incentive (although they don't need much as they seem to already want to be detectives, which was a nice tie-in with Sherlock Holmes by the way!) to check it out.


I mentioned dialogue tags earlier and I'm going to bring them up once more. Almost, if not all, of the dialogue you wrote is followed by "he/she said" "he/she exclaimed" "he/she replied" and so on. Dialogue tags are useful for clarification in stories when it isn't clear who is talking, and occasionally if emotion isn't conveyed in the dialogue or context itself (if your characters are in a quiet room and have been mentioned to be using lowered voices, you don't have to attach "she whispered" onto every line of dialogue). Too many dialogue tags distract from your prose, so she want to rely less on using them every time there's dialogue (and only when you need to clarify who's speaking).

Another way to clarify who is speaking is starting paragraphs with a character's action. For example:
Carol sat up straight and clapped her hands together, delighted at the idea of investigating the way that Sherlock Holmes did. "I have an idea! We can go and find out the cause of those noises!"

Beside her, Margaret nodded thoughtfully. "Wow. Sounds fun!"

"I'm in!" Mellissa said.


In that example, since Carol was the first and only character mentioned in the paragraph, it's clear she's the one speaking, and so a dialogue tag isn't necessary for this instance, as is the case for Margaret's line. Mellissa was the only one who needed a dialogue tag, since just writing "I'm in!" wouldn't have given insight into who was speaking.

Hopefully that makes sense?

I love that you tied in the kids' love of Sherlock Holmes and turned it into a motivation to investigate something themselves! That's very sweet. I'm also largely partial to stories about kids solving mysteries, so you've already got a soft spot of mine covered.


If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Hopefully this was helpful :)

I hope you have a wonderful day!




sulagna says...


Thank u so much mellifera...



mellifera says...


you're welcome!! :D



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Wed May 20, 2020 7:08 pm
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Querencia wrote a review...



Hi sulagna!

I'm Q here to review your story today. :D I thought it was very sweet!

In general, this seemed very dialogue-heavy, almost like a script. Sometimes it's a good idea to break up dialogue with paragraphs of description! What are the characters doing? How do they physically react to the dialogue, in addition to what they actually have to say? You give us the setting in the very beginning, but you can always delve into it a little more, whether the characters are at home or school or walking; whatever they're doing can give insight into their lives!

Since this is a short story, pretty much everything should be relevant to the main plot. I think you do a good job with the theme of the kids excited over Sherlock Holmes and you can tell they're going to apply it to the house where they hear spooky noises! However, some things don't come into play as much, like Carol's mother scolding her. Maybe this could prompt a rebellion from her, but it's a little hard to see the connection! Additionally, I'm not so sure about Drake giving Carol the new book on his birthday--even though he clearly likes her, it seems like a very unusual thing to do!

In terms of characters, I think you're off to a good start. There's Carol, who's clearly the leader and wants to take charge, and Drake, who clearly likes her and wants to support her through everything. However, Margaret and Mellissa seem to blend together in my head. It's hard to tell what roles they play in this investigation, other than Mellissa bringing up the haunted house idea in the first place! If one of the two was more against the investigation, perhaps, it would be easier to separate her from the others because she has her own role. This is also where more description can help you out! Including body language and action as much as dialogue helps to define your characters. :)

This was fun to read! I love how all of these kids are reading Sherlock Holmes and trying to be detectives in their own lives. I'm excited to get to the second part as well! Good luck on your writing, and let me know if you have any questions. :)

-Q




sulagna says...


Thank u again for a wonderful review,Querencia
You can read on my second part



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Mon May 18, 2020 10:18 am
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potter4life wrote a review...



Hi!I am here for a review...!
So i just wanted to point out some mistakes you have made,
So,
Here,you said that

“Ok then I will also join..” said Drake not leave Carol like that
but you should instead write,
“Ok then I will also join..” said Drake and would not leave Carol like that
and the other one was
And then every body enjoyed the snakes given by Mellissa’s mother.
Instead,you should write
And then everybody enjoyed the snacks given by Mellissa’s mother.
You should also try to use show not tell.

here is a good place to add it in,by saying

Carol took the box and after unwrapping it she saw... the new book of Sherlock holmes which she wanted to buy!

“Hey !? isn’t it cool??”asked Drake

“Oh yes ! why are you giving it to me?”

“Its just a present which I got from my granny” said Drake

“So ....its your present ...do not give me..” said Carol

you can add in how Carol felt when she was given the present.

“Ya it is ...but I want you to take it as a present from me..” said Drake in an unusual manner

“So are you sure ...You want to give it to me??”

“Yes”said Drake

Then a wide smile came over Carols face which in turn also delighted Drake.

here too!

She went hoping and told her mom about it. She was so excited that she ran to the kitchen and completely forgot about Drake.



So i hope my advice will be of help!Good job anyways!




sulagna says...


Thank u for the review ....I will remember ur points




There is more to life than making fart noises, and then laughing about those fart noises.
— Waddles, Gravity Falls