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12+ Violence

An Alien Named Bob- Introduction (Darryl)

by DarthUbera


DARRYL

The sound of flesh banging on metal shook me.

CLANG!

Only thirty minutes ago we had docked at Penisular Station.

There were fourteen of us.

As far as I knew I was the last one left.

I locked myself in the cupboard, a cowardly thing for a soldier to do but I couldn’t go out.

‘Arrrghh!!!!’

The screams got louder.

The sounds of guns firing made me jump and I hid in the cupboard.

I was an Ensign, this was supposed to be my first mission, I had trained for this, but simulations were nothing like the real thing.

‘Help me, someone…’

Water dripped down my cheeks.

Could I have really helped him?

My hand was trembling so much I don’t think I could’ve even fired my weapon let alone aimed it.

KNOCK.

‘Darryl let me in!’

It was Vikram, we trained together, we were sent on this mission, to protect the station, to protect this sector, but no one told me about the screams, about the terror.

Damn it I wouldn’t let it take my friend.

Almost as soon as I opened the door I closed it, giving Vikram a few seconds.

My cadet leader’s first mission he took out an entire battalion of insurgents nearly single handed; me I could barely save one soldier before going back to saving myself.

‘What is it Vikram? What’s out there?’

I could at least give some knowledge on the creature if we were rescued.

If.

‘I was out there.’

What?

What was Vikram saying?

‘Vikram?’

He looked at me with those same dark blue eyes I’d known for years in training, but something was different, like the spark had been taken away.

I aimed my weapon my back to the door.

‘Kevin, my name is Kevin.’

His composure was calm, he didn’t even have a weapon in his hands.

I fired mine, and Vikram must’ve been full of holes, blood was running down the ground.

Oxygen was returning to my lungs, I realised that my breathing must’ve been so slowed from fear and only just returned.

Why had Vikram killed all those soldiers?

How had he done it without a weapon?

He got up of the ground and went back to the composure he had had before he was shot, his mannerism was different from the Vikram I knew.

Blood was dripping down his legs.

He put his hand through his hair.

‘That won’t work kid.’

I could barely speak, I couldn’t fire my weapon again.

‘H-how?’

‘I’m a Czirnick.’

‘You’re supposed to be extinct.’

He chuckled as if I had said something funny.

Freezing up like this would’ve annoyed Lt Commander Cassie, she always told me if I died on the field it’d be fear.

‘I guess I never caught the memo.’

‘Are you going to kill me?’

More tears ran down my face, I couldn’t hold them back.

‘Kill you?’

He looked confused.

I think I burst out crying now.

‘I’m going to absorb you.’

He smiled and opened his mouth.

A black swarm of I don’t even know what came out.

I tried to hold my breath, but it pushed its way into me, through my skin, through my nose and eyes.

I was now Kevin.

Taking a deep breath with these new lungs. Much nicer than the ones this body had just filled with holes.

Leave no survivors was what I was told and gather all the information these troops had.

This one was a Rookie, a mere novice, nothing much to add to my collective brilliance although his body was a good specimen of a human and I liked that he had more hair to work with.

I looked into the mirror into my new brown eyes.

He could use a bit of a shave, but I’ll worry about that later.

What information does he have on my next target?

Oh he knows my new target personally.

I needed to know more about Manoj Shakra.


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User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 235
Reviews: 16

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Sat May 23, 2020 4:25 pm
thepages wrote a review...



Hello, some creativity you've got here. I like your story line, aliens and humans, but i think you were a little brief with the scenes. In this chapter you've introduced the work of one alien, the Czirnick which apparently has the ability to absorb people with all their knowledge and stuff but we don't know how it looks like. It spent some moments chating with it's cowardy victim so there's definately got to be a description of it, i imagined something with jelly-like properties...
That aside, i like this and am looking forward to reading the rest of the story, especially about Manoj Shakra




DarthUbera says...


The next chapters are in my blog and on this.
I think I need to make it clearer its an virus but too be honest the vagueness adds to the fear to me. Thats the most important thing.
Manoj is by far one of my favourite characters to write for



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409 Reviews


Points: 4441
Reviews: 409

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Thu May 07, 2020 1:41 am
Liberty wrote a review...



Hello there, Darth!

Hope you're doing well. I'm here to drop off a review for you. Let's get right into it, without further ado. Alright.

We have something very interesting here. Aliens! I'm always up to reading anything about aliens. They're so cool. And we have different species of aliens too. Cool! :P

Just a couple of critiques now. I suggest you don't give every sentence it's own paragraph. A paragraph is a bunch of sentence in one line, like this one is, and it goes under the same topic. This is Merriam Webster's definition of paragraph:

a subdivision of a written composition that consists of one or more sentences, deals with one point or gives the words of one speaker, and begins on a new usually indented line.


I hope that makes sense! :)

Now, the rest of your piece is fine. The flow does get choppy a bit. And I suggest adding some more details here and there so we knew what else is going on.

Other than that, everything looks good! Your spelling is spot on. ;)

Hopefully this review was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions! And I hope to see more from you in the future.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




DarthUbera says...


I get the whole paragraph thing but to me it is more about quick fire thoughts as he is terrified, other characters think in huge chunks at a time. Some just jump from one thought to the next.
The lack of details is purely based on the person talking. They cant explain everything because there are some things in your mind you wouldnt bother explsining. If you saw a bag youd say thats a bag, your mind wouldnt start going into how a bag came to, what a wonderful invention it was unless you had never seen it before or you were a bag enthusiast.
Maybe there are some points missing detail I could add but this is an intro of a scared man wanting to run away, he is thinking everything at once, just how terrified people think. Hes now over analysing or considering anything but his well being.
Ill consider how better to present thst




As the notifications drift in I stop and wonder. Why do they take so long? Do they have adventures we don't know about? I bet they do. When they come I will ask myself. What amazing adventure has this straggling notification been on? How far did it travel, and why didn't it take me?
— 269609