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Toothpaste

by amazingbt


On a rainy Thursday morning, Jayde brushed her teeth while contemplating the meaning of her existence. She’d awoken at the same time she always did, right before the sun rose. She had checked off the day on her calendar and made her way to the bathroom.

On the bathroom door hung a poster that she knew all too well, after years of studying it in some sort of odd contemplation. The poster read “The mystery of human existence lies in not just staying alive, but in finding something to live for -Fyodor Dostoevsky”. And, not for the first time, she wondered what she had to live for. She had recently accepted that the reason she, the horribly awkward fourteen year old that she was, served no purpose other than to eventually decompose in a graveyard and to have her remains eaten by maggots.

Jayde was not an easy person to be around. She constantly worried, bailed on the few friends she had, hid in bathrooms, and asked irrelevant questions. She was known by most people, but she wasn’t popular. Most people stayed away from her in fear that whatever she had was contagious.

The problem was, Jayde understood them. She understood that they hated her. She hated herself. She hated the disgusting creature she’d become. She hated the way her brain broke down every little word she would hear. She hated the way she had to wash her hands five times before eating to keep the long-gone germs off her hands. She hated the way her thoughts seemed out of control, the way her rational thoughts were only light splashes against the rough tides of her anxiety.

Jayde pulled herself out of the ocean of the thoughts. She looked in the mirror. Green toothpaste foamed out of her mouth, and her electric toothbrush whirred, spinning as fast as her thoughts. 


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44 Reviews


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Sun Apr 26, 2020 10:39 am
Gravitem wrote a review...



Hey! So.. Here's my review.

"On a rainy Thursday morning, Jayde brushed her teeth while contemplating the meaning of her existence." Ok. Rainy SUNDAY, brushing teeth and contemplating the meaning of your existence. These go together so well. No I'm just kidding. Though rainy and brushing togetether go together, its funny you would contemplate the meaning of life at such a time. Okay, I'm still kidding. Yeah I know. I'm NOT funny. Hehe.

Well you started great!! Congrats! You get a bonus of 5 points for that!!! A poster with a Dostoevsky quote? I need one! Okay enough jokes!

Hold it write there! She had recently accepted that the reason she, the horribly awkward fourteen year old that she was, served no purpose other than to eventually decompose in a graveyard and to have her remains eaten by maggots? Doesn't everybody? Okay I give you consent to rate me the worst reviewer of all time.... T_T

Jayde pulled herself out of the ocean of the thoughts. She looked in the mirror. Green toothpaste foamed out of her mouth, and her electric toothbrush whirred, spinning as fast as her thoughts.


And a great ending! I'm sorry about all the fooling around in the review but I just wanted to point out all the parts of this piece that kept my eyes fixed on the screen till the end :D

CONGRATULATIONS! You GET A 10/10 and with the bonus 5 points, you get a 15/10!!!

KEEP WRITING!!!!!

Yours sincerely,
Grav :D




amazingbt says...


ty!



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Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:46 am
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LadyVendetta wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Jade and today I'll be reviewing your piece! Let's get started!


First of all, I have to say I admire the name choice of your character, it's really pretty and fun... XD OK, moving on. The title took my attention and without further ado, let's start!

[quote=]On a rainy Thursday morning, Jayde brushed her teeth while contemplating the meaning of her existence. She’d awoken at the same time she always did, right before the sun rose. She had checked off the day on her calendar and made her way to the bathroom.[/quote]


Ok, I liked the light humor and the interesting start; no problems here, and you managed to give a few details about Jayde.


The second paragraph was more of a bullet, seeing as I had not expected something so well-articulated. No complaints, just work on making the paragraphs shorter, as it's easier to read. I'm pretty invested in this story.

[quote=]The problem was, Jayde understood them. She understood that they hated her. She hated herself. She hated the disgusting creature she’d become. She hated the way her brain broke down every little word she would hear. She hated the way she had to wash her hands five times before eating to keep the long-gone germs off her hands. She hated the way her thoughts seemed out of control, the way her rational thoughts were only light splashes against the rough tides of her anxiety.[/quote]

Jayde is really relateable to me, in more ways than the name. The last two paragraphs felt like a mental breakdown from the character, but the fact this is called Tooth paste is a bit lost on me. I understand she has been brushing her teeth, but maybe make the title something more meaningful in the future? Just a suggestion, and it's really up to you. Toothpaste is cool anyway.

Lastly, when you say "THe monster she's become," You refrence the fact she used to be better. Maybe expand on this for some better dimension and feel for the character.

But, this is what I mean for the paragraphs:


[quote=]The problem was, Jayde understood them. She understood that they hated her. She hated herself. She hated the disgusting creature she’d become.


She hated the way she had to wash her hands five times before eating to keep the long-gone germs off her hands. She hated the way her thoughts seemed out of control, the way her rational thoughts were only light splashes against the rough tides of her anxiety.[/quote]


It's much smoother and easier to read.

And, the ending was a nice transition back to reality. The flow is really good, and I think the story itself awesome! I can't wait to see more by you.

Jade :)




amazingbt says...


tysm!



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Sun Mar 29, 2020 10:58 am
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Necromancer14 wrote a review...



Interesting! I read the title thinking it might be a comedy, only to find that it was a sad story, the opposite of humor. It was very good.

Here's my review:

I liked this quite a lot. It was extremely depressing, and I like that sort of thing because I'm kinda strange that way.

Jayde brushed her teeth while contemplating the meaning of her existence.


You begin reading and you immediately know that this is a philosophical story.

of studying it in some sort of odd contemplation.


This bit had a hint of humor to it, which I liked.

“The mystery of human existence lies in not just staying alive, but in finding something to live for -Fyodor Dostoevsky”


Very true. I like this Fyodor guy already.

served no purpose other than to eventually decompose in a graveyard and to have her remains eaten by maggots.


And you're punched in the face with this depressing sentence.

Most people stayed away from her in fear that whatever she had was contagious.


Another hint of humor! These subtle bits of humor lighten the extremely depressing story you have.

The problem was, Jayde understood them. She understood that they hated her. She hated herself. She hated the disgusting creature she’d become.


Ouch. This is usually the point when people commit suicide. THIS IS JUST GETTING MORE AND MORE DEPRESSING!

the way her rational thoughts were only light splashes against the rough tides of her anxiety.


Nice metaphor!

Green toothpaste foamed out of her mouth, and her electric toothbrush whirred, spinning as fast as her thoughts.


I still don't see what toothpaste has to do with this.

All righty now! I didn't find anything wrong with this, be it grammar mistakes or plot holes. (Though It would be hard to have a plot hole in something like this.) Also, your character is very relatable, if very exaggerated, so another plus.

Well, that's my review! I hope it was helpful.




amazingbt says...


Thanks! Next time, I will try to tie in the character's actions with the conflict (to show what toothpaste has to do with the story). Thanks for the review!!



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Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:30 am
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Lia5Giba wrote a review...



Hello! I have felt this. I have definitely felt this. That quote... I feel like it is definitely understandable. Humans need to live for something. That's what most people believe, anyway. That humans have a purpose in their lives. And when you feel like you don't have a purpose... then you can kind of spiral down. And it's easy to feel like you don't have a purpose, especially if you're a person with a bunch of flaws... or, at least a bunch of flaws you see in yourself. Being a teenager, I have felt that way many times. Why am I here? Why was I given this personality, this life? Am I meant to do anything? What do I have to live for? Because of that, I find this story really relatable. And I'm sure many others will find this relatable, too.

Jayde is a really (I'm using this word a lot, I'm sorry) relatable character. She's easy to understand. She's a teenager, trying to find her way, asking the big questions. Mulling something so deep over an action so simple: brushing her teeth. The fact that you tie her doing an action like brushing her teeth makes this feel more like a snapshot of her life, that she does this a lot, that she lives outside of the pages. You give us a peek into her life, and you give us a glimpse into the window of the mind of someone who might as well exist. It's like that realization, when you profoundly suddenly understand that other people, random people, have a life as complicated and complex as yours. You can almost feel that here. You stay in your own body, but for a brief moment you read another's thoughts. And you realize that they have an entire life that is searching for a purpose, for something to live for. I don't think that's what your main reason for writing this was, but I feel it.

Thank you for this story. On top of a thought-provoking topic, your writing is really good as well. I don't see any errors, although that is just me. In this piece, you made me feel something, and for that... thank you. I hope that others can feel something from this as well. I think that they will.




amazingbt says...


Thanks^^



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Sat Mar 28, 2020 1:18 am



I FEEL THIS ALL THE TIME BUT IVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING WRITTEN ABOUT IT!!!!!

this is really amazing I think her story is very relatable to most introverts and people who don't want to conform with society. I try not to conform to society and feel trapped not knowing why I exist this honestly formulates in my head if that makes any sense.

grammatically it is very well written and very well-formatted. I think the short little paragraphs are perfect for this short story I guess and just the way it is.




amazingbt says...


Aw, thank you!



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Sat Mar 28, 2020 1:17 am
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Watermelon.sugar wrote a review...



I FEEL THIS ALL THE TIME BUT IVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING WRITTEN ABOUT IT!!!!!

this is really amazing I think her story is very relatable to most introverts and people who don't want to conform with society. I try not to conform to society and feel trapped not knowing why I exist this honestly formulates in my head if that makes any sense.

grammatically it is very well written and very well-formatted. I think the short little paragraphs are perfect for this short story I guess and just the way it is.





You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer