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I'm trying to use my head, I swear

by Liminality


Mila was the type to stick her foot in doors, push them open –“wait!”- like in films. Her laundry piled. She had a monster creeping, inching out of the wastepaper basket.

Mila was the type to forget dates. Once, she left a wineglass behind the fridge for a fortnight. She was the type to slam tables, to delete contacts, then beg for them to be re-entered. She forgot phone numbers. She grew anger in pots, in lip stain.

Mila was not the type to forgive forgetting a trigger – not when it was staircases.

Not on the anniversary of her fall.


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13 Reviews


Points: 1560
Reviews: 13

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Thu Mar 26, 2020 6:36 pm
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mckaylaam wrote a review...



Wow, this is a really interesting short story! There's a lot of mystery to Mila's backstory, which I think would be lovely to read about if you decide to write more about it (like Cloudthing mentioned in their review). I think you made Mila a relatable character, as least to me, which is definitely something that I like to have in short stories (not required, of course, but it definitely helps in grabbing my attention more).

One thing that I thought was intriguing was when you wrote "She had a monster creeping, inching out of the wastepaper basket". As much as I'm curious to know if this is a real or imagined monster, and if real, what kind of monster is in the wastepaper basket and why, I almost feel that this may be a detail that doesn't need to be included. For me at least, I'm not sure how exactly this fits into the story, unless it is related to her trigger and the anniversary of her fall. In that case, I would consider moving that sentence closer to the end when you mention those other details, as I think it would fit better with the tone at the end (one of mystery and dread) rather than the tone at the beginning.

Again, this was a great short story that I enjoyed reading - keep up the great work! :)




Liminality says...


Thanks for your review! You're absolutely right about the tone and the "monster creeping" image. In the draft, I'd intended for it to be a sort of exaggerated image of trash heaping up in the wastepaper basket, which could create a sort of foreboding feel to foreshadow the ending, but it ended up quite awkward in that position, I think! I'm happy Mila was relatable to you. Thanks again for your comments!



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5 Reviews


Points: 155
Reviews: 5

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Thu Mar 26, 2020 3:08 pm
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Cloudthing wrote a review...



This was so interesting! I really liked the ending.
The only part I din't understnad was the connection between "Her laundry piled" and the next sentence, "she had a monster creeping, inching out of the wasepaper basket". The rest of the paragraphs seemed to have a coherent theme to every one of them, and this was the only one that confused me. I get the image of a kid being afraid of the shadows their makes in the night, thinking that it's a monster, but I can't know for sure - and I'd like to.
I actually really really liked this. Would love to read more of it, if you decide to continue it rather than leave it as a short story. PM me if you do!
Cloud




Liminality says...


Hi, Cloud. Thanks so much for the review! You mentioned a part of my description even I wasn't sure about while editing, that is the "monster creeping". I'd intended it to be a descriptive image about trash heaping up in the wastepaper basket, but I agree it ended up really vague in the final text, so thanks for pointing it out! :) I'm glad you liked the ending. I'm not sure if I will expand this into a larger story, but I'll make sure to PM you if I turn out doing so.
Thanks again!



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 155
Reviews: 5

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Thu Mar 26, 2020 3:08 pm
Cloudthing says...



This was so interesting! I really liked the ending.
The only part I din't understnad was the connection between "Her laundry piled" and the next sentence, "she had a monster creeping, inching out of the wasepaper basket". The rest of the paragraphs seemed to have a coherent theme to every one of them, and this was the only one that confused me. I get the image of a kid being afraid of the shadows their laundry makes in the night, thinking that it's a monster, but I can't know for sure - and I'd like to.
I actually really really liked this. Would love to read more of it, if you decide to continue it rather than leave it as a short story. PM me if you do!
Cloud





"I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy..."
— Unnamed Girl from "Mean Girls"