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feathers among men - chapter 1

by starlitnight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Blair casually walks the halls of Forester High as she goes back to her locker. When she spotted her best friend Jazzlyn standing at Blair's locker, waiting patiently, she broke out into a silly grin. Jazzlyn greeted her with an enthusiastic wave of her hand, her emerald eyes dancing with mirth.

"Guess who just walked by a couple of minutes ago!" the reddish brunette squeals with excitement.

Blair sighs, "Ziyad?"

Jazzlyn pouts, "Stop playing! Guess again."

The younger girl pretends to be deep in thought, "Hmmmm."

Jazzlyn rolls her eyes and hugs her books closer to her chest.

Blair giggles and finally humors her best friend, "Xen?"

"Spot on girl!" Jazzlyn smirks, "Why are you acting so annoyed and disgusted by that fact hm? I know you like himmmm~"

The brunette just sighs again, "I know that you know that I like him, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fangirl about him every time he just walks past me."

Jazzlyn leans back against the lockers and raises her eyebrows at her best friend skeptically, her books raised in a threat if Blair didn't state the obvious.

"Okay okay fine," Blair throws her hands up in defeat, "maybe I do like him..a little bit"

The reddish brunette smirks and gets up off Blair's locker, "And she finally admitted it."

Blair huffs and goes to collect her books from her locker. A bell rings right above their heads making the two wince. They look at each other before going to their first class of the day, English III.

»»-««

Jazzlyn smirks as she watches her best friend watch Xen all the way across the room as he writes down notes religiously as if his life depended on it. Her smirk falls off though when she realizes that Blair doesn't have a chance. She never will. Xen can't fall in love with a regular human. It's against the clans' rules. And he's the heir. He has to marry Miriya.

.・゜゜・  ・゜゜・.

Blair sighs quietly as she watches Xen talk with his sister Zenith and his best friend Ziyad.

Why do they all have such strange names? Even Jazzlyn...are their parents' friends or something? Conspiring to make their children's lives hard by giving such obscure names?

The brunette just snickers under her breathe before returning her attention to the board where Mrs. Zmich has finished writing down what she was talking about. Blair curses in her head when she realizes that she hasn't been taking notes like she should have been.

»»-««

The two girls rush out of their last class as soon as the bell rings, fighting their way through the throng of students to over to get to their lockers. Once the books have been returned Blair meets Jazzlyn at her locker since it's closer to the entrance. The two giggle about some inside joke as they walk out. Once they exit the building Jazzlyn exhales loudly and stretches her arms above her head, causing Blair looking over at her friend amusedly.

"Someone's tired after Mr. Lattimore's class," Blair teased.

"Of course I'm tired!" Jazzlyn huffs in annoyance, "All he does is talk, talk, and talk. I get soooooo bored that I want to take a nap. But if I do and he catches me he'll flunk me!"

Jazzlyn pouts as Blair giggles and just pats her friend on the head as they walk towards their houses.

"At least spare me some pity!"

Blair turns around in front of Jazzlyn, sticking out her tongue before running away as Jazzlyn runs after her spluttering indignantly. The older girl's hair raises up slightly reveal a necklace chain, hidden in her clothes. Her hair flies back down and the moment is gone. The magic fizzling back into invisibility.


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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Thu Mar 26, 2020 9:20 pm
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Cloudthing wrote a review...



Hi!
All in all I thought this was really cute! I like the relationship between the two girls, I thought it was very believable.
You do have a slight tendency of slipping from present to past in the description, so you might want to keep an eye on that. That happened to me a lot when I was trying to write a story in present tense, and so I gave up and changed it all to past tense like most stories go.
I wanted to know a little bit more about the clan and their rules. We were moving around from Jazzlyn's point of view to Blair's pretty quickly and I didn't realize it at first. Is Blair unaware of the clan? How long has she known Jazzlyn? It seems weird that she'd think her best friend's name is weird if she'd known her for a really long time. It isn't very clear and could be solved easily with having Jazzlyn think of it first.
I'm really interested in it! I'll get to the rest of the chapters soon!
Cloud




starlitnight says...


thank you! i'll definitely keep that in mind~ <3
and the clan rules, i think there's a chapter about that ;)



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29 Reviews


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Tue Mar 24, 2020 4:00 pm
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SMLocke wrote a review...



The way you describe is incredible. I am amazed. You give a great setting that i feel connected to just by reading. There were some errors, but it didn't take anything away from story you told. (a couple commas out of place) I like that you added foreshadowing too. (if it was foreshadowing) I liked this piece

Keep it up!
~S.M.Locke~




starlitnight says...


thank you! i'll be sure to fix the things you pointed out haha, and yes, there was some foreshadowing at the end~

~laynie <3



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55 Reviews


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Tue Mar 24, 2020 11:18 am
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Anamel wrote a review...



"Blair casually walks the halls of Forester High as she goes back to her locker from her bathroom break."

The first sentence to your story does great on giving the reader information. We already know the name of the high school as well as the name of the main character. However, I don't think adding in that she goes back to her locker from taking a bathroom break is all that necessary here just because it isn't the information that seems to affect the story. You could even add the part about Jazzlyn in the first sentence too and combine them. Example: Blair casually walks the halls of Forester High and her lips curl with a smile at the sight of her friend Jazzlyn waiting at her locker."

"jazzlyn greeted her with an enthusiastic wave of her hand, her emerald eyes dancing with mirth."
I really like the way you describe the character because we already have a grip on her outward personality and can assume that she's bubbly. Just don't forget to capitalize her name.

The younger pretends to be deep in thought, "Hmmmm."
I suggest just adding *the younger one. Also I think it's funny that Blair is younger while Jazzlyn is acting so over-the-top.

"Why are you acting so annoyed and disgusted by that fact hm?"
Add a comma after fact.

"The brunette just sighs again, "I know that you know that I like him, but that doesn't mean I'm going to fangirl about him every time he just walks past me."
I'm glad you added some distinction towards her appearance too. Doing this helps the reader remember which character is which. Jazzlyn seems like the type to tease her a lot while Blair acts disgruntled or like she doesn't care as much.

The reddish brunette smirks and gets up off Blair's locker, "And she finally admitted it."
Now what gets kind of confusing is I thought you also said Jazzlyn had red brunette hair so I suggest just keeping one's hair as red and the other one's as a brunette.

"Xen can't fall in love with a regular human. It's against the clans' rules. And he's the heir. He has to marry Miriya."
This is interesting because I thought this story was going to be some regular highschool with regular people.

"The older girl's hair raises up slightly reveal a necklace chain, hidden in her clothes. Her hair flies back down and the moment is gone. The magic fizzling back into invisibility."
I'm going to assume this is describing Jazzlyn too since she's the older one. This can relate back how to Blair is thinking jokingly about all of their parents being friends and conspiring to give them all odd names. Maybe this is some foreshadowing here.




starlitnight says...


thank you! you gave me great pointers! it's really helpful ^w^ i'll be sure to fix any confusion in the piece~

~laynie <3




I don't do time.
— Liberty