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16+ Language

january 24th 2020 - 3:13am

by mckaylaam

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

i can’t believe that i’m even writing this.

i never imagined myself writing something about you of this nature,
but nature and the universe have their own funny way of working,
i suppose.

it’s been months since i’ve really felt anything,
months since i’ve really felt like myself.
the days that i spent with you were golden,
feelings came over me like waves crashing in the ocean,
and then suddenly
it’s like we were strangers once again.

there were too many days that i spent without you that seemed to grow increasingly longer,
and all i wanted to do was become stronger.
there were too many days that i spent wondering if we were ever going to speak again,
or if your last words to me would be “i’m sorry, i'm just busy”.
there were too many nights that i spent entangled in my blankets
and similarly entangled in my thoughts,
thinking of you and me and us and all these afterthoughts,
making my stomach end up in knots and making me wish i could just take a few shots
and forget all the bullshit.

there were too many nights that i spent wondering why i wasn’t enough
and how good it must feel
to have finally found a girl who you think is the right one for you.

and deep down, i hope she is.

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5 Reviews

Points: 155
Reviews: 5

Thu Mar 26, 2020 9:11 pm
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Cloudthing wrote a review...

Wow!!! I thought this was really powerful. I also really liked the fact that it didn't have any specific structure - it made it feel more personal and honest. I think most people have been through heartbreak, and that's the exact feeling I got from this - the days growing longer, the notion of becoming strangers, not understanding why it didn't work out. I really, really liked this. I love the ending! Hoping she really is the right one for him, despite it all the hurt, is a really beautiful way to end a love, in my mind. I liked it a lot!!!

mckaylaam says...

Thank you so much! This poem was for sure about some of the personal heartbreak I've been through, and someone that I am still trying to get over (slowly but surely). I'm glad you like the ending, it definitely hurts to see this person with someone else, but there's part of me that will always love him and want the best for him, so I just hope the other person is making him happy.

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19 Reviews

Points: 1477
Reviews: 19

Sun Mar 22, 2020 5:40 pm
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StudentAH wrote a review...

Wow, very very interesting. I see that this is pretty messily written but I think it says a lot about the narrator. It reads like a diary entry, or a desperate attempt to get all this off her chest. Also, nothing is capitalized. That's hard to pull off; typically we will habitually capitalize some things even if we don't feel like it -- overall my sentences tend to be a soup of capital and un-capital in the right and wrong places. It makes this poem look that much more empty and almost desperate.

Even the title, "january 24th 2020 - 3:13am" reflects this. Its incredible, especially given that it wasn't literally published on that day. I guess this is telling a story of her thoughts on this day, at this time.

And I must say that I REALLY can relate; this is exactly how I feel. Especially the lines "there were too many days that i spent wondering if we were ever going to speak again, or if your last words to me would be 'i’m sorry, i'm just busy'."

Its uncanny that I came across such a poem given my current situation.

Some parts of the poem rhyme quite well, and other sections don't. But poems don't have to rhyme. The structure of the poem is different every stanza, some rhyming, some not. Some long, some short. Long sentences, short sentences. Prose, rhyme.

Yet, each stanza ends with a short sentence or an afterthought; its pretty unique.

Overall I feel like this was a very interesting way to get stuff off your chest, or if it is just telling a story, it really feels the narrator is in a difficult situation: it's late at night, and she wonders what she did wrong, and what to do now that her dreams are clearly over. It is a very telling narrative; I quite like the style of this poem.

mckaylaam says...

Hi there! Thanks for the review, I genuinely appreciate it!

I can definitely see how it you would say it's messily written, and it makes sense because I did write this at 3 in the morning, hence the title. This was a way for me to get stuff off of my chest, and I'm glad to hear that you liked the style of my poem. Normally in my writing I do capitalize the necessary words, but with this poem I wanted to go for that empty/desperate feeling that you mentioned.

I'm sorry that you're able to relate to this on a personal level, but in my experience I find that relating to another person's writing after you've experienced something similar can make it that much more resonant and special.

StudentAH says...

Ah wow. So it was really something you experienced, then, huh? I really love how the writing reflects that. Its so telling -- I almost thought you may have written it this way on purpose.

And yes, I think that when you write things and others can relate to it, it also can make you feel less alone. Thank you for sharing your writing -- it certainly made me feel more at peace.

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27 Reviews

Points: 2252
Reviews: 27

Sun Mar 22, 2020 11:10 am
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ChrisDixon wrote a review...

Hey mckaylaam. I'm here for a short review.
Lets jump in!

1) I really like how you experess your story as a poem. Your discribtive words make me lost in the poem. And I love the way you illustrate, such as this part, "entangles in my thoughts".

2)My suggestion about the poem is that you should make each stanza shorter. In poem the each stanza is short and that somehow makes the reader filled with poety's stragness. So I do think it might me better to change. On the hand, it part of poet freedom so its not a strong.

3) I understand you have own way of writing poems. But I think you need to capitalize the start words of each stanza. Or at least maybe the "i" the repersents myself/ the person who is telling or writing. I just somewhat makes me confused.

4)Another advice for you is to use more words that fill in the details. You build the farm and draw the picture for the readers. This poem has quite amazing dicribictions. But since it has it's long length, I think I would better with more words.

5)Above all, I enjoyed reading your peom and getting lost in it's means.

Great job!

Keep on writing!


mckaylaam says...

Thank you so much for your review, I appreciate it! :)

As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie