Young Writers Society

Hello!

VioletFantasy here to give you a review. This is a really cool poem! I can’t believe that I didn’t click on it last week when you wrote it. At least I’m here now! Anyway, onto the review.

Yesterday I was surprised to find myself staring down the pit

If I'm up here, then I cannot be down there
But it's dark at the bottom, so maybe I just can't see

I heard the impact and the crack of my bones
And yet, my heart had never been healthier.

Today I have deduced that it was just a dream
The kind that you're conscious of but can't process

Dear MeherazulAzim16,
Hello! I really liked this poem, and the metaphor behind it of falling in love being a dark pit that you get sucked into. I do have a few suggestions, though you can decide what you would like to do with them.

"Yesterday I was surprised to find myself staring down the pit"
When I first read this, I was confused. When you say 'the' pit, it's normally because it's already been referenced, and/or the reader knows what pit you're talking about. I would recommend "a pit," or something along those lines.

"If I'm up here, then I cannot be down there
But it's dark at the bottom, so maybe I just can't see"
(I realize that in the poem, the above lines are italicized, but it won't let me do the same.) Most of the time, thoughts are italicized in writing, but these lines feel like they are talking to the reader, not thoughts, so I'm trying to figure out why they aren't the same as all of the other lines? I think that if you are trying to make this part different than the rest of your poem, you could change it to something like, "If I'm up here, then I cannot be down there, - I think - / But it's dark at the bottom, so maybe I just can't see."

Last edit:

"I felt the dusty air graze against my skin as I fell free
I heard the impact and the crack of my bones"
If you fall down a deep pit and hit the bottom, you are going to feel more than hear the impact and your bones cracking/breaking. This part doesn't make a lot of sense because, unless you can't feel anything in the dream, (which clearly isn't true because you said earlier that you felt "the dusty air graze against my skin") then you wouldn't be focused on the sound of hitting the bottom, you would be focused on the immense pain that you would feel.

Maybe I am taking this way to literally, but as I said above, do what you wish with my review. This was a very good poem, and I loved the way you really start to feel the way that the narrator quickly looses control over their situation, but is truly okay with it.

Sincerely,
ImaginaryPoet