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E - Everyone Violence

Chapter Two, Trouble

by LadyMysterio


Muriel snatched her spyglass off the desk and ran back outside. Dogging the sailors rushing about, she ran up on the poop deck and extend the glass as she lifted it. The imperial naval ship they had been discreetly following for the past weeks was charging their way.

She lowered the spyglass and gripped the wheel than heaved it towards the navy ship, 

"Grab your weapons, who's ready for a fight," She shouted

The sailors on the deck cheered.

"Conrad!" Murial yelled

The admiral rushed over, she patted his shoulder as she stepped around him, "take the wheel"

She ran down the stairs, shouting orders in the process.

"You four, lower the headsails, the rest of you man the cannons."

She turned and pushed open the door to her cabin then marched over to a tall wooden cabinet in the corner of the cabin. She flung it open, her eyes on wandering over the contents, a mix of elegant swords and pistols.

Her eyes landed on a long-bladed, backsword, with a silver guard made up of twisted strings of metal.

Snatching it swiftly from the hook, she slid it into the sheath. Muriel closed the doors to the case, locking them, then slipped the key into her desk drawer. A loud boom, followed by a sharp whistle rang through the air. She braced herself, as the cannonballs violently rocked the boat. Her effort in vain as she stumbled back, landing on the floor. A muffled cry rang from below, "fire!"

The ship swayed slightly as the ship's cannons fired back.

She crawled over to the door and hauled herself up, glimpsing the naval ship. Nearly dwarfing the pirate ship as it closed in on their port side, sailors and ropes, poised to swing. She pounded her shoe into the deck, altering the sailors below. 

"Prepare be to boarded! "

She gripped her sword as the enemy soldier swung over and swarmed the boat. She swung her sword batting off sailors, as she backed on to the poop deck. Sheathing her sword, she grabbed a nearby rope, and jumped on to the railing, pushing herself off and towards the other ship.

Muriel landed on the bow of the ship, the fought her way towards the poop deck. A shine of sun caught her eye. She lifted her head and glanced at where it had come, a medallion. She paused momentarily as the man wearing it went into the captain's cabin. 

"Wait," her face scrunched in recognition," Cirillo?" she whispered. Foots steps sounded behind her, she thrust her sword backwards, the recipient moaned, followed by a grunt as she yanked her sword out. Muriel ducked a sword swing, then made her way towards the man with the medallion. She pushed the door open, sword at the ready.

Muriel scanned the room, slowly reaching the centre. A sharp point suddenly dug into her back, she stiffened.

"Look what the cat dragged in."


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User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 143
Reviews: 33

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Thu Apr 09, 2020 11:52 pm
BlackThorne wrote a review...



Grammar
1.

She lowered the spyglass and gripped the wheel than heaved it towards the navy ship,
"Grab your weapons, who's ready for a fight," She shouted

punctuation needs a little proofreading, especially adding commas.
Revised:
She lowered the spyglass, gripped the wheel, and heaved it towards the navy ship.
"Grab your weapons! Who's ready for a fight?!" she shouted.


2.
The admiral rushed over, she patted his shoulder as she stepped around him, "take the wheel"

more spotty punctuation.
Revised:
"Conrad!" Murial yelled. The admiral rushed over. She patted his shoulder and stepped around him.
"Take the wheel!"


3.
Foots steps sounded behind her, she thrust her sword backwards, the recipient moaned, followed by a grunt as she yanked her sword out. Muriel ducked a sword swing, then made her way towards the man with the medallion.

a punctuation and spelling error.
Revised:
Footsteps sounded behind her. She thrust her sword backwards, and the recipient let out a moan, followed by a grunt as she yanked her sword out. Muriel ducked another sword swing and made her way towards the man with the medallion.


Word Choice and Flow
1.
Dogging the sailors rushing about, she ran up on the poop deck and extend the glass as she lifted it.

I think you meant "dodging." also, for more clean story, cut one of the actions done on the glass, readers can probably infer the other one.

2.
The imperial naval ship they had been discreetly following for the past weeks was charging their way.

replace "discreetly following" with something more concise, like "track" or "tail."

3.
She ran down the stairs, shouting orders in the process.

"in the process" isn't needed and sounds clunky.

4.
She flung it open, her eyes on wandering over the contents, a mix of elegant swords and pistols.

"she" is repeated a lot. mixing it up with proper names sounds better.

5.
The ship swayed slightly as the ship's cannons fired back.

"slightly" hampers the impact. readers will probably be able to imagine the proper swaying magnitude without it. also, the way that it's separated from the rest of the text is a bit jarring.

cool story! :D




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16 Reviews


Points: 21
Reviews: 16

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Sun Apr 05, 2020 1:30 am
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koinoyokan wrote a review...



Ok so I haven't read the first chapter of your novel so I'll focus on editing mostly. But first I think this is a good action scene. From your description and words, I can imagen what is happening. If you wanted to add more color I would recommend looking up some more sailing terms to show Muriel's knowledge of sailing The knowledge of ship mechanics can ways lead to further creativity in scenes as you make your characters interact with the scenery around them.

As for editing you have a few very small mistakes.
An extra space between the quotation marks with "Prepare be to boarded! ".
Forgetting a period at the end of "Grab your weapons, who's ready for a fight," She shouted
Capitalize T and add a punctuation mark at "take the wheel"
and a few more things like that just put your work through something like grammarly and that will smooth out all the little kinks.

Other than that a great chapter keep up the good work.





"And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland