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How do you?

by LadyGemstone


How do you, act so stupid, when I know you're smart?

How do you, be so impudent, with your hold on my heart?

How are you, So silly? So immature?

How are you, what I see, in my future?

What did I Do? Why is he, acting like this?

What did I Miss? Tell me, what did I miss?

What can I do?

What can I do, to be free?

Of his strings, his strings, on me?

Why do I, like you, even though I know better?

Why do I, try to express my feelings, when you hold it together? 

How could I, let some boy have, this hold on me?

How could I, be so blind, but still see?

What did I Do? Why is he, acting like this?

What did I Miss? Tell me, what did I miss?

What can I do?

What can I do, to be free?

Of his strings, his strings, on me?

Is this puppy love?

That has me feeling like a dove?

Then why does it send me crashing down?

And why can't I make a sound about how I feel?

What's the deal?

What did I Do? Why is he, acting like this?

What did I Miss? Tell me, what did I miss?

What can I do?

What can I do, to be free?

Of his strings, his strings, on me?


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Thu Mar 26, 2020 7:07 pm
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StudentAH wrote a review...



Whoah.

This literally is exactly how I feel. Like, to a Tee.

Its crazy, I am finding so many poems that explain my situation EXACTLY.

I found that there were some gramatical errors here and there, like breaks in sentences and capitalization in different places. But at the same time, a lot of the commas kind of provide a sense of the person re-thinking over and over. I think what threw me off is that sometimes after the comma, the words are capitalized when they shouldn't be. Some lines fit with the commas even if they are improper, like the first two lines.

But I feel like these lines:
"How could I, let some boy have, this hold on me?
How could I, be so blind, but still see?"

Would be better as:
"How could I let some boy have, this hold on me?
How could I be, so blind, but still see?"

That's kind of the rhythm that I read it in my head. Even if, again, that comma placement is also kind of improper. The commas themselves. Just as a reader I felt like this flow worked even if its different from the first two lines.

But other than that, I really like this poem.

I'm not even kidding, this is exactly how I feel about a certain someone. At least, it was, until I had enough and decided to leave. It's crazy to see so many people in my situation, thinking exactly like how I feel. I guess I know I'm not crazy.

The person is so immature, so rude, and can say things which such insensitivity that they're hurtful. And yet somehow, we see them as strong, smart, capable. We see something in them that they don't see. And yet we wonder if our puppy love is just making us blind. How can they be so selfish and immature, yet still somehow have us smitten? It truly feels like you are on strings when you are waiting for someone like this. And its crazy because it just won't get to their head.

I seriously love this poem. If there was a love button, I would click it.




LadyGemstone says...


Thank you for the review. <3 I have more poems like it if your interested. <3



StudentAH says...


I would definitely check them out sometime!



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Tue Dec 03, 2019 1:38 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey, Gem, here's that review!
It's great! I like the idea behind the poem, and how it's written as a series of questions! And initially I was confused by the commas, but I see that it's a unique and cool new way of writing!
One way that I feel it can be improved is if it is addressed only to one person. It changes from a third person to "him", and I just think it might be better if it was to only one.
"Is this puppy love?
That has me feeling like a dove."
This doesn't really make sense, to be honest! Maybe the dove is a metaphor, but it seems like you just used the word for the rhyme. That somewhat distorts the poem, because up until now, all the lines were connected and made sense. This got me perplexed.
Instead of "From" his strings, it should be "Of". That's the grammatically correct word to use.

I enjoyed the poem otherwise! Good work. I hope I wasn't too critical. If so, I'm sorry!
Tag me for your later works!




LadyGemstone says...


Thank you.



LittleLee says...


:D
No problem



StudentAH says...


I saw the dove thing more as a metaphor for how her love feels pure and white. Like, white doves are kind of a representation for love, aren't they? And the puppy love is foolish, yet she feels so pure and happy being in love with this guy that she can fly to him like a dove. But at the same time, his immaturity and the way he treats her just makes her question all those strong feelings she has for him.

That's kind of how I saw it.



LadyGemstone says...


That is like, the best explanation of why I put that there. Like ever.



StudentAH says...


@MiniGem26

Whelp. Probs because I felt just like ya XD



LadyGemstone says...


XD *Fist bump*

@StudentAH



StudentAH says...


*fist bumps back* Whoo!



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Mon Dec 02, 2019 9:41 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there! Nice work going on. I like how you show the grasp that the narrator is in. It appears to be one of those situations where she is experiencing a war between heart and brain. The repetition makes it feel like it is an ever-recurring struggle.

In offering constructive criticism, I'd suggest taking out a lot of the commas. I get the impression that they're there to emphasize flow or certain breaks, but when they come so much more frequently than at the end of actual phrases, it's a little cluttered. This sentence is an example: "How do you, act so stupid, when I know you're smart?" You could at least stand to take the comma out from after the word "you." And naturally, any other place that does this could be polished up, too.

Well, that's all for now. Keep writing!




LadyGemstone says...


Thank you.



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Mon Dec 02, 2019 7:00 pm
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Softballgirl333 wrote a review...



Hello Gem!!

Suggestions

My First suggestion would to be to combined some of your lines. It feels very fragmented and choppy.

MiniGem wrote: How do you
act so stupid.


This is a prime example and you repeat this many times, but combining the "How do you" and the line the follows would make it flow better. Although you may sing it like that with a pause, putting them together just makes them easier to read overall.

MiniGem wrote: "How Could I" "Why Do I"

All of these have the same case as in you have changed them into very short fragments. I am not sure if this is just one verse or if it is the whole song but again, combining them would be beneficial in my opinion.

MiniGem wrote: So silly
So immature
[/quote]
Just a small thing here, I would add an "and" because it would help the flow again. It is more of a preference thing, but I would look out for other areas where you can do this.

Overall

Overall I like the constant questions, they represent the overthinking and the questioning one goes through which was well done. I do think you should rethink about where you split up your lines because it seems as if these lyrics are meant to be in sentences, but it is not written this way. With combining the lines, it can make it easier to divide up into the "paragraphs" or the "stanzas" of the song. I would try to reflect upon the narrator's feelings in order to open up for some more contrast and emotion within the song, which would also make it longer. Overall, well done Gem.

Happy Writing,
SBG <3




LadyGemstone says...


Thank you I will work on it.



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Mon Dec 02, 2019 5:24 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there MiniGem26! Niteowl here with a quick review.

Okay, so when I look at lyrics, I pretty much look for the same things I do in a poem but with a little more emphasis on the rhythm and the structure. The rhythm of this piece looked a little choppy at first due to the short lines and extra commas, but when I read it out loud, it works. I can even put it to a tune in my head, which is a good sign.

What I think could be improved upon is the structure. Right now, it feels a little repetitive, like I'm reading a very long chorus. To me, good lyrics have a short and memorable chorus that gets to the heart of the message, while the verses are more detailed and flesh out the story.

I feel like your best chorus lines come at the end "What can I do to be free from his strings on me?" I like this as a chorus because it summarizes why you're writing this song in the first place. If I wanted to rewrite this, I would use the verses to show more details...how did the speaker end up falling for this person? How is he behaving exactly and how has the speaker responded to this? With a little more detail, you can build a story that shows the speaker's conflicted feelings.

Overall, I think there's a solid rhythm to this, but I feel like it could have a stronger structure. Keep writing! :D




LadyGemstone says...


I will try to improve it I just wanted to post when I had points.




"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi