Young Writers Society

Good morning, mel0!

This is SUCH a cute poem, and your narration of this story is really well done. It was easy to picture everything happening, and the pacing worked great for it. This concept is really just a clever idea with a lot of potential metaphors for it. It's a story that's easy to relate to from a personal perspective.

The poem here seems to play on the theme of loneliness, which makes this poem so sad. It starts out with the moth being alone in the darkness of night, night after night, until they meet a firefly. Suddenly, the moth is living a life with a new perspective and happiness until the firefly is gone. Then it ends with this idea that the moth will always be lonely until another firefly comes out to save him, and despite the fireflies that do accompany him, he will always be left to himself.

I think the poem could definitely play with some emotions better. At the moment, it tells the story a little robotically rather than getting into their feelings. For instance, we never know how the firefly really feels or responds to the moth -- what if the firefly keeps trying to get away from the moth, to be left alone? It could easily work here, as opposed to the potential love story it could also become.

So the third stanza is probably the most guilty of this as it really is bare bones of storytelling. How did they meet? Why were they strange? Why did it work? (I know why it works for the moth, but not the firefly!)

It's the only thing that really jumped out at me, though! Again, it's such a sweet poem and very easy to picture. I'd like to see a lot more emotion in this for the theme to really stand out, make this narrative easier to relate to by diving into their feelings, getting into their characters, and setting up the scenario/environment in such a way that the reader feels like they're actually in the moth's [shoes].

Very cute! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

hello there!

this is such a beautiful short poem. Very sad and poignant. I love the contrast of dark and light here. I also really like the imagery you have created with your words.
"The moth no longer knew darkness
As the firefly always lit up the night
They flew together
Night after night"

This seems like the happiest part of the poem and is my favourite.

"But not all love is meant to be.
For some lights flicker and dim and may go out all together.
And the moth is left in darkness again
But only until the next light"

The ending is very sad but at the same time very hopeful. I really like the flow of your poem, how it flows as beautifully as silk.

Great work! keep writing! i hope to read more from you in the future.

Much love,
Zaibae

I'm not a huge fan of the title, so I'll take any suggestions. Also, I'm presenting this to my class sometime next week so any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!