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Hidden Heir Ch.1

by Raelyn


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.



CHAPTER 1

It was the first time Asterin room was actually messy. The sandy brown office depot boxes decorated her floor threatening to send her OCD into insanity. Two! Only two out of the seven boxes were unpacked. Mostly because if she hadn’t unpack these two she wouldn’t have clothes, or the basic human necessities. Asterin hated un packing, loathed it really. Packing that was fine to her, she may even call it staffing. Unpacking however was the process finding a place for everything to go again. That was not fun!



It had caught her by surprise how bizarre it felt moving back into her old room. It was a room of memories. Sure, she had only been gone at Harvard Law for one year. Since that time of departure her mom hadn’t changed a single thing. The white flower sticker that decorated the wall parallel to her bed and left of her door was starting to peel. Her neat tidy cream colored desk next to her bed still held her acceptance letter. Her stark white papasan chair that sat in the corner left of her big window and diagonal to her massive bed still had her favorite book of all time. Throne of Glass. Her trophy shelf which was llel to the wall with her window and her papasan chair was as beautiful as she left. Each trophy nicely polished and not a speck of dust. Her mother must have been in her for housekeeping, because even her book case that sat next to her bed didn’t have a speckle of dust on it.



When she arrived home her best friend, partner in crime, and equal had been waiting for her in front of her door. He had a massive boutique and the wicked grin she had missed so much while she was away. She remembers what he’d said.



“A 4.00 for your freshman year at harvard. You really must have shown off that charm off yours.”



She had dropped all her bags and attack him in a hug, smushing the flowers. Tears of joy had streamed down her face.



Ezra was special. Probably because he had been practical raised by her dad. Her dad was the best man in the whole entire world. Ezra, the only boy that saw past her surface and beautiful features. Unlike every boy she’d met that had drooled over her. Never thinking twice that there may be more to her than just a pretty face. Yes, Asterin was well aware of her olive complexion, piercing green eyes, lovely bone structure, and deep brown soft wavy curls made her beautiful. She wished her features weren’t the first thing to grab their attention.



Ezra saw the things about her most didn’t and he cherished them.





How she was a complete nerd, how she’d sometimes come over to his house so they could both shove their noses in books, but so they could still be together. He knew she was utterly stubborn, but he loved her for it. He had supported her in her love for volleyball, track, sparring in martial arts, and speech and debate. Ezra was the friend that offered to go on runs with her for track, go play volleyball with her, even practice sparring with her no matter how many times she kicked her ass. Ezra had sat with her for hours as she protected her speeches and arguments. Ezra didn’t just be with her, he was actively involved and getting her excited. Ezra always knew what to say and do. Ezra and Asterin friendship was the kind were they seemed to know exactly what the other was feeling or thinking, always utterly aware of the other. Asterin hadn’t known a day without Ezra even when they were apart he was always there with her.





“Who wants to go on a walk,” cooed Asterin.



Poppy wag her day an offered a playful bark in response.



“Hey Mom, I am gonna take poppy on a walk,” Asterin informed.



“Okay darling,” Asterin Mom replied.



Asterin grabbed Poppy’s collar and clipped it on. The caine’s tail wagged so quickly it wiggled her whole body. Asterin opened the door and a cool breeze hit her face. It had always cooled by this time of day, after 7:00.



Asterin tried to walk poppy early in the morning before the sun came up, and later in the night when the sun had started to set. Asterin and Poppy walked at a bristle pace up the grey cement. It was uphill past trek to the parks walking trail. Asterin passed all of her neighbors beautiful yards. Asterin neighborhood was in a loop with an outer and inner circle of houses a road dividing them. Mastering lived in the outer circle the second house to the left of the entrance of their neighborhood. It was tucked away from the traffic. Astin's favorite house was the 4 up from hers that she passed on her evening walk everyday. It was her favorite because it had a huge section of blue poppy flowers. Poppy flowers were favorite thus the reason she named her dog poppy.



As a young Girl Ezra and Asterin spent much time in this garden. Asterin’s mother questioned this but Asterin convinced her. Asterin had her way of talking herself out of things. Sometimes she didn’t even mean to it was just instinct she guessed. But sometimes she wish she wasn’t so good with words and talking.



The park entrance came into view. Poppy dragged her into a jog. The park entrance had to cherry trees on both sides along with the various other shrubs trees and plants. There were steps up to the grass field that was usually a mix of alive and dead grass.Just beyond that there was a playground with bark chips. Unfortunately, this part was not built so much after Asterin was much older. But plenty of kids still loved to play in it.



Asterin smiled down at Poppy. In this moment it was just her and her canine and there was no where else in the world she wanted to be. Then she noticed popy kept looking behind, her.

“What is poppy?” Asterin asked.



Then Asterin felt it to. They were being followed.



Don’t you dare panic, panic makes you metal decision making scattered. So she kept walking as if there was nothing there. Just me and poppy she told herself. She couldn’t take it anymore. The suspense the anticipation. She pulled out her phone flipping the camera to see what was behind her. Sure enough there was a tall hooded figure behind her, with a broad muscular form. By the size of him Asterin assumed the figure was male.



Where the hell did he come from? Asterin thought to herself.



Having the benefit of surprise Asterin turned around putting herself in front of Poppy in a defensive position then said:



“So are you going to say hello or are you just gonna keep following me?”



The figure stopped dead is it’s tracks, like a deer in headlights. Clearly taken off guard and shocked that Asterin picked up on it’s presence. He was as still as night, Asterin didn’t even know if he was breathing.



“That ridiculous cloak doesn’t make you invisible, or stealthy,” Asterin continued.



“Princess I mean you no harm,” said a deep velvet voice from behind the hood. He has a very thick accent, one she had never heard before. Yep that most certainly was a male voice.



“Princess! Wow that’s a new one, do you use that on all the girls?” She asked glaring and cocked her head to the side.



“Princess please as I said I mean you no harm, your mother sent me. We must take you home. The time has come for you to return to your kingdom.”



“Drugs, are bad for you,” she said flatly. “You probably dressed yourself up like a warrior to make yourself feel more real. I am a black belt that has never lost a fight, so I’d be happy to beat your ass, then call the police. The order does much matter to me.”



“Princess we don’t have much time, I have no plans of fighting you. I’m here to protect you and take you safely back to your land,” then the cloaked figure raised a hand, sending Asterin into a defense position. Then there was a blinding light that sprung from his fingers and it shot straight at Poppy. Instantaneously her canine disintegrated.



Astrid let out a growl.



“How dare you kill my pet,” she hissed.



Then she lunged at him. She attacked him with absolutely no strategy, no thought, but cold blood revenge. Her body slammed into him with all of her body weight. It was like run straight into a brick wall. His hold body was toned and muscular.



“I didn’t kill your furry beast I simply transfer her back to your house and erased her memory of you,” he explained.



But Asterin couldn’t hear anything. Not over the ringing of heat and rage in her ears. This had to be a drain in thought and she did open her eyes probably would be curled up by her side snuggled up to her.



“You are clueless cold bastard,” she screamed in his face, as she pounded her fist into his chest.



“I have been called a bastard a thousand times but never have I been called clueless,” his velvet voice spoke calmly.



Much much to calmly, considering what he’d you just done. Much to calmly considering that she was attacking him! But he didn’t even make him falter. His body was pure muscle against hers, she slammed her fist into his abdomen, side, and chest. He didn’t even wince at her blows.



She let out raged scream.



Why wasn’t he even fighting her back? She raised her hand and struck him hard across the face. The most disrespectful thing she could come up with. His calloused warm hands gripped around her wrist of the hand that I just met his face.



“We can do this the hard way princess, but trust me when I say neither of us want that,” he informed her like she was a child.



“Your a Coward hiding behind that hood like some warrior… but your not. You're no warrior your just an asshole,” Asterin yelled at him.



She was scrambling for insults, phrases that could get under his skin. Her words were like a bounce ball hitting a wall of steel, they didn’t leave a tiny mark or show any proof she was getting threw.



As Asterin stoop before him thrashing to release herself from his grip, she heard footsteps from behind her.



“Emerson... only you can enrage a woman in such a short amount of time given” said another velvet voice similar to… the man Emerson. “I told you to leave the princess to me and for you to do the Magic,” he continued. He had that same thick accent, and it that alluring accent was really starting to piss her off.



“Queens orders not mine you egotistical prick,” growled the man Emerson.



There it was that anger that should have been boiling over when I had started to attack you. Why? Asterin thought. Hadn’t he gotten anger? Why did this other male get the best of the man...Emerson?



“Let me guess he didn’t even tell you his name,” said the second male.



“No,” Asterin purred at him.



“Well let me be a gentlemen. I am Tarrant Arrowood comrade at arms, and blessed as a member of Tala’s court,” he announced one hand on his heart. “This warrior brute is Emerson Eliki whom to my greatest despair work alongside me also as a member of Tala’s court. Though I am the favorite in our field of expertise,” he finished. When he introduced the other man he seemed bored to tears.



“Field of expertise, does that include abduction, killing, and being a pain in the ass. If so I see why you are suitable for the job. Also Let me clarify being a ‘gentlemen” about it makes abducting a woman acceptable.”



Then she outreached her hand.



“I am Asterin Fontanna and my title is none of your business,” she said. Taron took her hand, kissed it and said:



“Oh princess your title is already now though we do always love the secretive type,” he winked. It made her blood boil, she slammed her knee into his groin. Grunting in pain he crumpled to the floor. One down Asterin thought then turned to the man Emerson.



“No where were we? Oh right I was in the middle of kicking your ass for killing my dog,”



Asterin hissed at the hooded figure.



“I didn’t kill your beast for the last time. You mortal earthlings are so futile,” Emerson said.



“Typical for the murder to deny and infuriate the love one that lost your victim,” Asterin spat. “But so convenient for me I am in the process of becoming a lawyer. So I don’t believe in the bull crap. I am immune to it.”



Then she lunger again this time attacking swiftly and strategically. Before she landed her blow a bubble of white light engulfed her.



Then Asterins vision went black. Her mind quiet and her body limp.
























































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Points: 675
Reviews: 4

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Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:42 am
Whist wrote a review...



Fun fact I never realised until today: disintegrating a dog from existence is the quickest way to make me hate someone. I 100% support Asterin kicking Emerson's butt, lol. I also just love Asterin in general! Physically strong female characters are more common these days, I think, but that doesn't make me appreciate them any less. I'd say be careful of making Asterin too perfect, as it looks like she's got it all: looks, intelligence, physical abilities, no noticeable flaws etc. but it's only chapter 1 so it's probably too soon to say for sure.

Other than that, I'll make this review quick - I just have a few nitpicks that you can probably flesh out in your next draft or in future chapters...

As a young Girl Ezra and Asterin spent much time in this garden.


Just wondering, did they get the owner's permission? I think it'd be nice to mention them at least once, since it's a bit weird to just hang out in someone else's garden.

But sometimes she wish she wasn’t so good with words and talking.


I personally don't see any downfalls to being good with words and talking, so I'm interested to see why she wishes this.

The caine’s tail wagged so quickly it wiggled her whole body.


That should be "canine" instead of "caine" - there are a lot of typos/autocorrected words that can be hard for the reader to figure out. A proofread is definitely in order, just to catch 'em all and iron them out. But that aside - 10/10 that is so cute, I would 100% die for Poppy <3 <3 <3 And I also love that when Asterin first came face to face with Emerson, her first move was to stand in front of Poppy. Protect the doggo, yes please!

The whole chapter was pretty enjoyable to read; I'm liking Asterin's spunky personality so far, and I'm looking forward to seeing where that bubble of white light is taking her. Ezra is also being built up as an important character - or at least, an important person to Asterin - so I'm expecting to see more of him later on (though I might be wrong of course, haha). But anyway, thank you for sharing your writing with us! Lots of ideas here - I look forward to seeing them play out! : )




Raelyn says...


Thank you so much the second ch. is posted to just so ya know;). Oh and the whole point is Asterin is perfect from what the eye can see... Just wait.



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Fri Nov 08, 2019 2:15 am
Honora wrote a review...



Hey Raelyn! Here for another review! ;) You already know how I roll so I'm just gonna jump into it!

Packing that was fine to her, she may even call it staffing.
I found this sentence kind of confusing. For one, "that" was an unecessary word which I find we all tend to overuse. Be careful with that one because sometimes it is very unecessary and just makes it sound funny. Also, what the heck is staffing?

He had a massive boutique and the wicked grin she had missed so much while she was away.
The sentence is good but since you have already told us that he is her best friend, partner in crim etc...it might be best to state his name here instead of saying "He".

Probably because he had been practical raised by her dad.
Minor mistake but I thiink you meant to say "practically".

...no matter how many times she kicked her ass.
Here you should have said he instead of "her".

Ezra and Asterin friendship...
It should be Asterin's instead of "Asterin".

Poppy wag her day an offered a playful bark in response.
Now, I'm guessing you were talking about her dog or something but the way you worded this was really confusing. ;)

“Okay darling,” Asterin Mom replied.
Again, it should be Asterin's instead of "Asterin". (Love that name btw ;))

Mastering lived in the outer circle the second house to the left of the entrance of their neighborhood.
I didn't understand this sentence. What is "Mastering"?

As a young Girl Ezra and Asterin spent much time in this garden. Asterin’s mother questioned this but Asterin convinced her. Asterin had her way of talking herself out of things. Sometimes she didn’t even mean to it was just instinct she guessed. But sometimes she wish she wasn’t so good with words and talking.
I like this paragraph but some parts were worded kind of funny. Just reread it and see what you can do. :)

When she first starts thinking, it would be easier for your readers to know if you put them in italics. Thoughts should be in italics so it is easy for your readers just to see it and know automatically without having to think about it.
Also, I noticed when you first have her confront the hooded figure, you are referring to him as "it". It would be good if you called him...well...him! :-P

He has a very thick accent, one she had never heard before.
Here, you switched tenses from past to present to past again. Instead of "has" it should have been had.

“How dare you kill my pet,” she hissed.
This sounded kinda forced. I mean, she would have A LOT of emotions consdiering Poppy was just killed in front of her. Try to express that.

His calloused warm hands gripped around her wrist of the hand that I just met his face.
Probably just a typo but that "I" shouldn't be there.

There it was that anger that should have been boiling over when I had started to attack you. Why? Asterin thought. Hadn’t he gotten anger? Why did this other male get the best of the man...Emerson?
Instead of "you" here, it should have been him. Italics for thoughts please :-P . And that last part, you already stated that the first guy is Emerson so the confusion on her part feels a bit forced.

And that's it for my never ending nitpicking. Sorry bout that! :)
Anyway, it was really good! I liked it and it has left me wondering what's gonna happen next! I especially like how you didn't go into huge detail about how Emerson's magic worked and what it looked like etc...it was simple and you left it to the imagination while still guiding it towards what you are imagining it to be.
I am also quite intrigued about these two mysterious men. I mean, I've known them for barely two minutes and I'm already trying to decide who I like more. The nice mannered one, who is obviously the favourite, or the rebellious, noncaring brute? Honestly, that's awesome! XD

I look forward to reading more! :D :D :D

Your friend,
Honora <3




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Wed Nov 06, 2019 7:13 pm
MapleLeafSunset wrote a review...



There is a really solid start to a plot here, and I can't wait to see more character development ! The characters who are shown are quickly set up with clear personalities, and I'd love to see you delve deeper into this and develop more unique traits around each of them, I would be excited to see it.

There are a few issues throughout the text with your tenses. Now and again the tense will change, however I'm not sure if this is simply a typo. I would suggest writing on something that has autocorrect or a grammar checker to pick up on small issues like this and the few other grammar points in the text. I would recommend GoogleDocs personally !

One thing I noticed was that you definitely know a wide range of vocabulary which is incredibly good, but I'd say that the next step would to be to learn to choose when and how to use these words. In some situations they work incredibly well, but others it can ruin the flow of the piece. I'd say this is mainly a practise thing, but remember there is no harm in using said !

In a few places the emotions of the characters appear to shift very quickly, but this is a minor issue, however it'd be nice to see how Asterin would go from angry and incredibly distraught over the death of her dog to using 'purred', which implies a more gloating attitude ! Like I said, a more minor thing.

I can't wait to learn more about Asterin, her flaws, her goals and her motivations, I'll definitely follow this story !




Raelyn says...


Thank you:)



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Wed Nov 06, 2019 12:42 am
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, there. You've got an interesting plot going on. It's always captivating when a writer introduces a sense of mystery and doesn't explain all the details right away. I like your main character's boldness and courage. I feel like you don't read a lot of stories about girls being super skilled in martial arts, so it's cool that you've used this.

You seem to have an appreciation for colorful words that can make a story more alive, and that's great. A wide vocabulary is an important tool for a writer. Keep practicing to get a feel for when and where to use which words in order to best convey your idea without being either too dry or too melodramatic, or even using a completely out-of-place word altogether.

I'm wondering if if you typed this on a device with autocorrect, because there are a lot of incorrect spellings and such that seem like the product of an over-eager autocorrect feature. There were a lot of other errors as well, which made it confusing to read at some points. I'd be willing to offer pointers on what to correct, but considering the length of the piece and such, I'd practically have to rewrite the whole thing to mark the spots that need polishing up. Overall I'd just advise you to always read carefully over your draft before publishing it so you can catch anything ahead of time. Also, keep gathering all you can to polish up your writing skills in general. A young writer can always get better! :)

Well, that's all for now. Keep developing your talent!




Raelyn says...


Thank you very much I am a terrible editor! I'll keep working hard at it!




Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)