And I'm to the last one you have posted! Messy is back
Wait, is this the end? I'm not actually opposed to that if it's the case. I like the callback to the daggers. Interesting imagery.
Ok, so, the line she delivers about not being dumb brought a genuine smile (and I would've laughed but I don't want to wake my roommates). It felt very Lysandra. She's pretty sassy.
But overall. I just wish there was more. I like the imagery of the gun. I like the idea of learning from being betrayed and looking at the lengths people will go to get revenge. I just wish we had seen the bond of Lysandra and Theron more throughout the previous chapters. It's hard to feel the connection that you want us to feel was broken between them.
Also, how did the Crow show up? I don't see Eden ever calling Crow or Lysandra. And even if they did, how did they get there so fast? They drove out of the city on motorcycles for at least a few minutes (fight+chase+argument before gun) You have time built in to really sell the mix of emotions happening in this scene and to flesh out why Theron did what he did, and how he felt betrayed, not to mention how Lysandra feels. Because in the end they were both betrayed by people they trusted. Ther'es some good potential in that! Take time to dig into it.
As a whole, I think that's the thing I noticed most in this story. You have some good characters, good story ideas, good themes, but you're seeming to want to get to the end as fast possible. Slow it down! The reveals will have much more weight to them if we have time to catch our breath and see the connection of the MC's.
I hope these reviews have helped. I try to be as straightforward as possible. That's what helped me at your age when I came on here looking for help.
Messy
Points: 11295
Reviews: 663
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