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Finding Peace

by Stellar Jay


Wherever I go,

It follows me,

The hurt

The pain

The tears

.

Why can’t

I find it?

The happiness

The peace

The laughter.

.

Grandpa,

Where are you?

At home?

The hospital?

The old age home?

.

They say

He is gone

To a better place.

.

I try

To cover up

The pain

Busy life

No friends

Work, work, work.

.

My Father,

Where are you?

At home?

At work?

The hospital?

.

They say

He is at

The cancer clinic.

.

I try

to busy myself,

study hard,

volunteer

linger in my misery.

.

I couldn’t find

the peace

the happiness

the laughter

.

Life dragged on

carrying

the tears

the pain

the hurt.

.

But finally

I ran out

of breath

My fuse

was blown

I dissolved

into a puddle

of tears.

.

I realize

I’m alone

no family

no friends

no thoughts.

.

My life

has been

going on

in a

foggy haze

no feelings

no laughter

work, work, work.

.

I feel

the longing

the need

the want

to be

happy

kind

A friend.

.

I had

bottled up

the past

the pain

the thoughts.

.

No one knew

of the burden

that I carried

But

the tears

the hurt

the pain

couldn’t be

contained any longer.

.

My fingers

Forced themselves

Across the

Keys of

The laptop

I spill

My feelings

My thoughts

My past

To my friend.

.

My legs force

Me out

Of the

Front door

Across the

Driveway onto

My neighbors

Front door

I talk

Laugh

And get

My life back.

.

I had

finally found

the peace

the laughter

the happiness


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Random avatar

Points: 139
Reviews: 10

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Tue Oct 15, 2019 7:07 pm
Lionhero333 wrote a review...



This poem is very beautiful. I can relate to it so much. I feel the same way about my writing, it feeld like what you write is like confessions or your truth is in some way in the center of everything you write. Whether it be poems or songs, fantasy stories or journaling. We all wear masks we all try to live happy lives but that is alot easier said than done.

Anyway, i thought your writing was great especially in the last half of it. Really good work




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19 Reviews


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Thu Oct 10, 2019 7:56 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Nice poem. I kind of like the repetition of the certain words: i.e., past, pain, feelings, peace, laughter, happiness. More colorful adjectives would definitely make it more emotional, but somehow I get the idea that it is simply a painting of your bare thoughts as you feel them, with no attempts beautify them with over-much extravagance. I like the simplicity. Keep up the good work! :)




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376 Reviews


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Thu Oct 10, 2019 2:31 am
Snazzy wrote a review...



Good evening!

I always hate criticizing works like these because they're personal. And they're mostly written out of need for an outlet. A need to get things that have been bottled up out. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, because all it is is advice from one young writer to another.

Like alliyah said, the tone of this is clear. Personally, I am a fan of the short lines, but after you do it for a while (in this, the entire poem for the most part), it starts to lose the meaning and emphasis it once had than if you were to use it sparingly. Experiment with line length.

Another big thing I noticed is that you used pretty bland and abstract language like "happiness, laughter, pain, tears, hurt", etc. I'm having a hard time feeling and seeing exactly what kind of pain the speaker is going through.

There were also a few cliche statements that made your poem seem a little mainstream, like "bottled up the past" and referring to writing (or typing on the keyboard) as your "old friend". Show me the same thing, but make it new. That will make it interesting to read.

Again, I think you did a good job showing us the tone, but I want to see it deeper. Give the words meaning. Give the poem meaning. Work on word choice, avoid cliches (and make them new), and also formatting (with the line length) and I think you will be well on your way. Let me know if you have any questions or if I can clarify anything any better!

-Snazzy




Stellar Jay says...


Thanks for all the feedback! It's super helpful!



Snazzy says...


You're welcome! :)



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Thu Oct 10, 2019 1:29 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Nice piece, it definitely gets the tone across that the speaker has undergone something really tough in their life and are trying to get through it. I think the poem would be improved with a bit more development on the overall metaphor of "it" or tragedy following the speaker - if you personify this a bit more boldly I think the poem will become more layered in its meaning. As it is, it's fairly straightforward which is good for communicating but makes it a little less striking overall when there's not more layers of the poem to explore.

You may want to experiment a bit with line breaks too - the way it's written feels like a few too many line-breaks as the reader really has to pause between almost every other word which can get tricky to read into complete thoughts - longer lines will help out the flow of your poem in this case.

best,

alliyah




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13 Reviews


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Wed Oct 09, 2019 8:05 pm
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Lady Mysterio. says...



This made my cry, I love it though!




Stellar Jay says...


aw!



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13 Reviews


Points: 123
Reviews: 13

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Wed Oct 09, 2019 8:05 pm
Lady Mysterio. says...



This made my cry, I love it though!





“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly