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by toaddad

At the end of the hallway,

My salvation, my Euphoria

To reach it, I just need to walk ten steps

It hangs there

Just over my head

I could reach and touch it

However, I cannot truly live in that Eden yet

I cannot pull my body through to the other side

My feet are held in place by concrete blocks ,

They are stopping me

But everyday they get lighter

Everyday someone comes and saws a piece of them off

Allowing me to inch closer

I truly hope one day

The blocks will be light enough for me to crawl into my sanctuary

But until then, I must sit in this hall

This hall where I dont know what's real, things are coming and going, but eventually come back

It's a cycle of horrid, unspeakable things

Things that push my urge to get to my Euphoria faster

But alas I cannot, not yet

People come to take the weight off the blocks

Once it was a boy with dark hair that he coloured often, who is always crying

Another time it was a blonde boy who always takes what he wants with no consequences

The most recent one to come lift the weight,

Was the one person in the world I'm supposed to trust

But in this hall, why would I trust anyone?

I cant even trust myself

I just want the blocks to be gone

I hope one day they will be light enough for me to get to the end of the hall

But it's not today

I dont think its tomorrow, or a month or maybe not even a year

But I cant stop imagining the day

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16 Reviews

Points: 818
Reviews: 16

Sun Sep 15, 2019 1:32 pm
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SuperOriginalName wrote a review...

Dear @kai.ezra,

I can relate to what you are going through right now. I hope you feel better soon. This is a very good poem, but I would like to point out something that I noticed, if that's okay with you.

I would like to inform you that your poem doesn't really have a layout. It's very important to divide your poem into sections or, as your fellow poets call them, stanzas. If you don't know what they are, they are the paragraph or verse of a poem. Stanzas help the reader understand what is happening, or what message the poet is trying say. Organizing your poetry can help you to write it as well.

How I taught myself to section off my poetry into stanzas is how I taught myself to section off my stories onto paragraphs. Assign each stanza to a topic.

For example, the first paragraph of my review is the introduction. The second paragraph is about stanzas. The third paragraph is mainly about organizing the text. Finally, this paragraph is an example on how I organize MY text.

I hope this review helped you progress as a poet and as a writer in general. I can't wait until you post again, and if you need any help with your poetry, I would be more than happy to help. Until next time! :)


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125 Reviews

Points: 78
Reviews: 125

Sat Sep 14, 2019 4:00 pm
nogutsnoglory wrote a review...

Hey there! Vomit here to review.

Maybe it's just because I have spoken word on the brain, but this really reminds me of Shane Koyczak's "To This Day" spoken word poem. I think this poem would do very well as a spoken word poem.

Overall, the imagery is great, the theme of the poem is clear, and the description of the people who come to take off some of the weight are amazing and descriptive.

A few nitpicky things:

I feel as though some of the longer lines could be broken up to better fit the rhythm of the poem. Same goes with the stanzas - of which there are none. Having it altogether as one giant stanza makes the rhythm of the poem seem rushed and run together.

Second of all, whoever told you that every line has to start with a capitalized letter lied. The whole point of poetry is to understand the rules - so that you can break them. I'd have loved to see some more experimentation, some more pushing boundaries, something radical.

And the punctuation's a little off, but that comes in time the with the more poetry you write.

But again, overall, this piece is really, really good. I'd love to see some more poetry from you.

Keep writing,

- V

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Points: 31
Reviews: 1

Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:08 am
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BCensored says...

This is lovely!

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37 Reviews

Points: 300
Reviews: 37

Wed Sep 11, 2019 3:09 pm
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demoncat wrote a review...

Hello demoncat here for a review.

Now first of id like you to bear with me because. Its been awhile since ive written a review.

Ok welp... I loved this! Its really awesome and i love what you hve done with this! It truely is precious. Ok i did notice afew sentence transistions that could be better. And you didnt use punctuations. But im sure you could go back and fix this easily. I hope you continue to write. I will most likely read it!

toaddad says...

thanks! it actually had punctuation but my librarian said that poetry typically doesnt have punctuation so i edited it out. id love to know which sentences could transition better

demoncat says...

"I truley hope one day
The blocks will be light..." like here i guess the word isnt quite transition but its still like idk the place you like made the next line felt kind of awkward. It could just be me. And also i figured the no punctuation was a choice. But again i did love this. Like so much!

toaddad says...

you mentioned that so i looked at it again and yeah that makes sense i think it was an comma mistake so i took out the comma see if that makes it any less awkward

The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller