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18+ Language Mature Content

Chapter 8.2: The Gilmore Guy and Mariano Girl

by DottieSnark


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

The dinner rush at the diner was always crazy. Luke flew around the restaurant, taking orders, dropping them off to Cesar in the kitchen, and sending the plates to their table. This went on for about an hour until things finally died down and Luke could take a moment to catch his breath and refill the salt shakers that everyone kept complaining had emptied.

Once the shakers were filled and placed back on the tables Luke got around to do the rest of the cleaning while the diner was still quiet. He whipped tables down, wash dishes and brought the trash out back to the dumpsters. The sun had set by this time, but he caught a figure moving in the alleyway. Someone was crouched by the door.

“Someone back here?” Luke asked.

The person stood up and their impossibly blue eyes shone at him. He recognized those eyes.

“You’re Lorelai’s friend, right? What are you doing back here?”

Rory looked like a deer and headlights and went skittering off in the other direction just as one would imagine.

Strange. That girl always look a bit jumpy but that was more than usual. Luke would have to remember to tell Lorelai about this later. He hoped everything was alright with the girl. He went back inside and back to managing the diner.

A little while later Jess came into the diner. He looked pale and ragged. “You okay?” Luke asked. He looked much worse than the last time he came in.

Jess sat down at the counter and smell of nicotine waffled off of him. It made Luke’s blood boil. Who gave that kid cigarettes?!

“Burger and a—”

“Upstairs now!” Luke screamed at Jess. The whole diner turned and looked and Jess went even whiter. When was the last time Luke had raised his voice to Jess? Had he ever? It just scared him to see that someone he cared about so much doing something so harmful. This wasn’t junk food or red meat unhealthy, this was seriously dangerous.

Jess blinked. “But—”

Luke pointed at the stairs and waited for Jess to compile. Jess did so with his shoulders slump and his looking at the ground. Good. Jess was in a lot of trouble and he should know it. This was no acceptable behavior.

Luke made sure the rest of his customers downstairs were all set then went back up to see Jess. Jess was sitting at the kitchen table, his fingers table against it. “Well?” Jess said with way too much attitude. Luke’s own father would have slapped him if he ever dared speak like that. Luke knew he didn’t have the right to do that, though. Maybe even just lecture him was crossing a boundary, but Luke just couldn’t stand to see Jess acting this way.

Luke held out his hands. “Cigarettes.”

Jess let out a chuck. “That’s what this is about?” he asked.

“You’re fifteen—”

“I’m sixteen in two weeks—”

“You can’t smoke.”

“So if I was eighteen you’d be cool with this?” Jess shot back.

“Well there wouldn’t be anything I could do about it.”

“There’s nothing you can do now,” Jess said, standing up. “You’re not my father.”

That stung. He knew he wasn’t Jess’s father. He didn’t even come close to a replacement. But still he cared about Jess deeply and it hurt to be so rejected.

Jess crossed his arms. “Chris wouldn’t care.”

“Yeah, well, that father of the year isn’t exactly around, is he? Since when was he your role model?”

Jess continued to cross his arms but didn’t say another word.

Luke cross the room and picked up his phone. “I’m calling your mom to pick you up.”

“Don’t bother. Quicker to walk home and I’m already late for dinner…with my grandparents, who also don’t give a fucking damn about me, so stop pretending you do.” He stormed past Luke.

Luke stood there flabbergasted. Did Jess think Luke didn’t care for him? Had all the years of bonding and hanging out proved otherwise? Had all the interest Luke had taken in Jess’s life showed him how untrue that statement was?


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Fri Sep 13, 2019 8:03 am
SimiDeJoie4 says...



Nice work, I must say. I love the simplicity of the diction. Keep writing,you got it in you. This is good and I'd like to start from the beginning




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Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:56 am
SimiDeJoie4 says...



Brilliant and Impressive!




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Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:20 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Posting the chapters in parts are crazy GOOD for finding the typos,haha.

So let's see the typos first:

He whipped tables down, wash dishes and brought the trash out back to the dumpsters.


"washed dishes" Something I noticed in this chapter was that there were too many tenses mix up. Don't worry, it happens to the best of us. lol

“Upstairs now!” Luke screamed at Jess.


Is scream really a good reaction, if you believe there are good reactions at times as this. Considering how hesitant Luke is with Jess after him walking out of Luke while making aeroplanes, I would have expected him to be firm and careful how he later is in the chapter.

and looked and Jess went even whiter.


Not a big fan of "whiter" how about "paler" or "more white" You decide.

Jess did so with his shoulders slump and his looking at the ground.


...and hiseyes looking at the ground

Maybe even just lecture him was crossing a boundary, but


...just lecturing him...

Why don't you add more to why Luke thinks it's crossing a boundary? We've had people come up to us, well-wishers, sometimes even shop owners of shops that we frequent to advice us. And Luke here is more than just someone who he knows and more than just someone he knows from going to his diner frequently. A solid reason would work or even mentioning that since Luke is still heartbroken from him leaving that he thinks he's not in a place to advice him or something. Just a suggestion.

Luke cross the room and picked up his phone. “I’m calling your mom to pick you up.”


...crossed...

I thought it was weird that Luke didn't immediately call Lorelai and tell her about Rory if she's acting suspicious. Or that he didn't even inquire further on what she was doing in the dark behind the diner and all.

Keep up the good work!

Cheers! :D




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Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:29 pm
DougalOfBiscuits wrote a review...



Hiya. Politics is bad and I am hiding over here.

I think the thing with Rory maaaay have ended too quickly, but I like the idea of Luke getting caught up in the Jess stuff the thought getting buried. I'll see in the next part when that comes back up to see if it works or not.

Sometimes Luke's emotions are having to be spelled out a bit too much. The main examples of this are here:

When was the last time Luke had raised his voice to Jess? Had he ever? It just scared him to see that someone he cared about so much doing something so harmful.


and here:

Did Jess think Luke didn’t care for him? Had all the years of bonding and hanging out proved otherwise? Had all the interest Luke had taken in Jess’s life showed him how untrue that statement was?


Ideally, it would be obvious from his actions, and even descriptions of his emotions, but this is just a bit too tell-y. I guess it makes sense, since we know Luke less well so far, but I think that's more of a reason to build up to this more and give us more Luke perspective slipped in before this important moment.

Also, I think the two things that are actually in these quotes maybe don't work so well. I'm surprised that Luke is so shocked about the cigarettes. I guess it's Stars Hollow, but kids drink and smoke. Jess seems like someone who would find cigarettes if he wanted them. I'd have expected him to be quietly angry more than shocked. Like, he seems pretty vulnerable here, which feels weird enough for me that I'd need more build up like I said.

The other thing is difficult to believe because Luke has already had confrontations with Jess where he throws how much Luke cares about him back in his face. I think it also doesn't make sense for this to come as a shock, rather than to make him intensely angry or intensely sad.

I think the underlying thing here is gimme more Luke!

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Wed Sep 04, 2019 10:25 pm
riotheselcouth wrote a review...



KEEP ON WRITING AND KEEP YOUR PEN'S UP OKAY?
I like it. ugh
—riothe selcouth 🍂





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