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A Janitor's Adventure: 3.2

by ExOmelas


Arriving at the Hub was a much easier task when you were a regularly scheduled Endoleon trade ship. For two SRA saboteurs who accidentally had a prisoner on board, it was a little trickier. Janny hadn’t even realised you could enter from the underside.

The Hub - at least, this particular Hub, and it was the only Hub for milons around - had begun life as a pleasingly symmetrical star pattern arrangement of platforms. The original platforms were attached by long straight lines of thick, solid metal. The more recent additions were linked together by shoerner strands of flexible metal, or in some cases carbon fibre, all bolted together and criss-crossing all over the place. The arrangement looked like the tangles of wires behind panels of electronics, like the sort Janny had been on his way to unfankle earlier that morning.

Underneath the Hub, you faced off with all the other unscheduled arrivals to earn your spot in the docks. There were ‘roads’ marked out with parallel lines of what honestly appeared to be red spray paint, floating in space. Across the road from Janny and the Scentians, another craft flashed its headlights. Grescin flashed her headlights back and waved her hand, elaborately mouthing “No, you first!” towards the windscreen. Ennet had one hand on his forehead and his shoulders sagged.

“Can’t we just go?” he muttered, “This ridiculous battle be damned!”

“How many times?” Grescin replied, continuing her war of politeness with the driver on the other side of the intersection. “Nobody actually means ‘you go first’.”

“Well why can’t people just say what they mean?” Ennet exclaimed, throwing both hands forward so fast that they elasticated briefly and almost reached the windscreen.

“You were a businessman.” Grescin shrugged. She tilted her head upwards to call to Janny, but didn’t turn around now that the autopilot was turned off. “He used to co-ordinate contracts and services for all the companies in Scentaer so you really think he should be used to it!”

“Yeah well now I’m considered completely frivolous by all the companies in Scentaer,” Ennet snapped back. “The only good thing about the economy collapsing is that I don’t have to deal with businessmen anymore.” Ennet crossed his arms over his chest. “And now we’re all just stuck here not moving.”

Grescin shrugged again as the other craft finally gave in and drifted forward. Its headlights flashed in thanks as Grescin filed in behind. “Better than both of us powering forward and smashing into each other.”

“Are there no signalling lights?” Janny asked, remembering for a moment the chaos that had ensued when the maintenance team had got confused about what colour represented whom in their rota system.

“I think there’s plans to build something coming down from the underside of the Hub,” Ennet said, “But it’s hardly a priority when you lot keep commissioning expansions up top.”

Janny’s eyes widened. Ennet’s gaze locked onto his in the reflection on the windscreen. Grescin shot him a look.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean ‘you lot’ like that. Again, it’s the Endoleons really. The keep expanding the economy of ‘you lot’ bigger and bigger until you’ve basically emigrated here,” Ennet explained, as Grescin indicated upwards and the craft began to tilt. “I mean, that must be how you got out here. I bet you jumped at the chance to come see the stars.”

Janny shrugged. “I just got transferred here.”

Ennet twisted around. “Wait, you don’t want to be here?”

“I don’t mind,” Janny said. He perkened up a bit, straightening his posture. “My mother and father are very proud of me for making Head of Maintenance.”

They pushed upwards and forwards towards a large square hatch that rumbled slowly open and shut to let the crafts in one at a time. It was finally their turn.

They were tipped so far back that Janny's feet couldn't compensate for the gradient any longer, so he found himself stumbling backwards and catching himself on the back window. There were crafts of all sizes and shapes zooming around outside. Well, not zooming, so much as waiting irritably in a traffic jam.

Janny's favourite was the one that had these massive spikes starting at the front, tracking along the top edges, then shooting out far from the back. It was like the craft had its hair slicked back. Their progress up was slow, so by the time they'd passed through the threshold of the hatch, Janny had all the lines of cars in all four directions they were herded from. There was one little dark red one that even reminded him of the motorcarts that had just started to populate the streets of Flad-Ta, his home city in Fladaer.

Inside the belly of the Hub, there was yet more admin to plod through. The craft kept accelerating and stopping every few seconds as the traffic was moved along by the craft at the front being assigned its next destination. Janny didn’t begrudge the wait, really; after all he knew how tricky organisation could be. Besides, so many crafts, ships and carriers came through here every day to await their day for teleportation. There was bound to be a backlog.

“You’re talking out loud again,” Ennet grumbled, slumped down so far that his head couldn’t be seen over the back of his chair.

“Oh. Sorry,” Janny said. The angle of the craft had levelled out but he’d stayed by the window, lounging lazily against it and fidgeting with his translation ring. He sat up properly.

“You ever been through teleportation before?” Grescin asked, drumming her fingers against the side of the control cube.

Janny stood up and took a step towards them. “I haven’t. The TS Daer-Hub picked me up from Flad-Ta. Actually… is it true people wait weeks for their turn? I heard rumours back home from people who’ve been out here but I never asked.”

“Oh boy is that true,” Ennet muttered. Janny could see him better now, looking over the shoulders of the Scentians. Ennet was slouched so far down that his head barely reached halfway up his chair. “Some people rent properties here for the duration of their stay, instead of going to a hotel. Some people, if they’re frequent flickers, even buy properties.”

“Heck,” Grescin added, “I know a guy who built a whole miniature island here just so he’d have somewhere to stay when he waited a whole month.”

Ennet nodded. “The sooner someone figures out lightspeed travel the better, that’s what I say. And I don’t even care whose competitor does it.”

Grescin chuckled, and Janny found himself laughing too.

“You really have turned your back on the business community, haven’t you?” Grescin giggled.

“Yeah, well, you hate admin these days, Head Administrator Ledool!” Ennet snapped, but he was smiling too.

“I’ve always hated admin.” Grescin shrugged. “Oh, speaking of - look at your screen.”

A message had popped up on Ennet’s screen. He drew himself upwards and practically creaked as he leaned forward to read it.

“Ugh, why?” he groaned. “Okay, they’re not convinced of our origin so we have to take the next left for a confirmation check.”

Grescin sighed but when she spoke her voice was soft. “Come on, trade traitor, that’s only a few metres away. And that’s probably the best we could have hoped for with three passengers in a two-man message craft.”

Ennet gasped as they lurched forward a little. “Oh, that reminds me! Janny, take off your translation ring and if you have to say anything at all try and say it in Scentian.”

Janny put his hand up to his head automatically, and almost had the ring off before he realised he didn’t know why he was obeying the Scentians. Then he remembered Ennet tapping impatiently on his gun, all those hours ago. Still… maybe he ought to be wondering how to get out of this without violence, but with his memories in tact.

“Dude, seriously!” Ennet snapped, this time without a smile. “Do you have zero awareness of when words are coming out of your mouth?”

Janny’s dark red skin blushed a deep, mottled purple.

“If you get away from us fair play,” Grescin said, her voice quiet and maybe a little sad. “But we could easily stun you just now and say you’re ill.”

Now Janny shrugged and sat back down with his legs crossed. “Alright, I understand.”

They rumbled around the left turn into a short corridor of which they were the only occupants. Without further delay, which was probably good for Ennet’s cholesterol levels, they passed through a set of circular sliding doors.

The craft came to a stop in a much wider room, a bustling thoroughfare. As the Scentians led Janny out of the craft, Janny took in a crowded network of desks and paperwork. Every few metres there was a being from a different species, quizzing another being or two about their origins, destinations, reasons for stays. There was one species, tall, skinny green beings with at least ten fingers on each hand, who seemed to be somewhat more numerous in these office jobs, but the walls and floor of the room were green anyway, so it was hard to tell just how prominent they were.

It was a being of this species who spoke to his Scentian companions. As she spoke, her fingers held three pencils that took notes down all over the place. Janny had to stop himself reaching for his forehead, where his translator ring had been. But it was fine. He just had to stay silent and it would be fine.


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Sat Nov 23, 2019 12:59 am
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Bisc!

Back for some more not even that late this time :')

For two SRA saboteurs who accidentally had a prisoner on board


I laughed at "accidentally" even though it's true. it's just funny to think about. "whoops? we accidentally kidnapped someone??"

The Hub - at least, this particular Hub, and it was the only Hub for milons around - had begun life as a pleasingly symmetrical star pattern arrangement of platforms. The original platforms were attached by long straight lines of thick, solid metal. The more recent additions were linked together by shoerner strands of flexible metal, or in some cases carbon fibre, all bolted together and criss-crossing all over the place. The arrangement looked like the tangles of wires behind panels of electronics, like the sort Janny had been on his way to unfankle earlier that morning.


While I think this is really interesting, and I'm glad you added in some background! this doesn't feel like... the right place to add it? I think describing the appearance is fine, and then maybe as they go along, have Janny think about how "oh, this used to be just long, straight lines of thick, solid metal. It wasn't the shoerner strands of metal..." and so on. Does that... make sense? Just so it's not all at once, and we have time to actually be in the Hub first, before you delve into background.

There were ‘roads’ marked out with parallel lines of what honestly appeared to be red spray paint, floating in space


hoo bOY I love??? this image??? I don't know WHY but the idea of like, lines in the sky, just hovering?? that sounds beautiful.

“How many times?” Grescin replied, continuing her war of politeness with the driver on the other side of the intersection. “Nobody actually means ‘you go first’.”


WHY IS THIS SUCH A MOOD

He perkened up a bit, straightening his posture. “My mother and father are very proud of me for making Head of Maintenance.”


(*whispers* is perkened a word?)
this is really cute? I love that he's so proud of where he's gotten, and how his parents reacted to it. I hadn't really thought about it, I guess, but Janny having a family who's back somewhere, supporting him? soft

It was like the craft had its hair slicked back.


the danny zuko of cars.

Their progress up was slow, so by the time they'd passed through the threshold of the hatch, Janny had all the lines of cars in all four directions they were herded from.


I had to read this a couple of times (I mean, the first time my mind just spaced, so that one is on me), and it still feels unfinished? "Janny had all the lines of cars in all four directions they were herded from". Had what? It's like, the sentence went on too long that the intention at the beginning was forgotten (which I,, do more often than I'd like)?


Right now, it seems like Grescin and Janny are getting along pretty wel? I can see some tension between Ennet and Janny. I'm definitely wondering how that's going to escalate moving forward.


Still… maybe he ought to be wondering how to get out of this without violence, but with his memories in tact.


OH ok so he's aware of what's going on? Like, he realises they plan to mindwipe him, but he's just not... really worked up about it? Or he's like, not thinking about it? As in sort of repressing it so he doesn't have to handle it right now or anything? IF that is what you're going for, I feel like you could have alluded to that a little sooner? I mean, I think it's good if it's subtle, but I think it also would have kind of... cleared that whole "is he really not going to react to anything?" sort of questioning I had earlier. I mean, up to you, and maybe I'm totally misreading it! If I have, I'm so sorry D|

Janny’s dark red skin blushed a deep, mottled purple.


:o is his blood purple?? that's wicked I love??

“If you get away from us fair play,” Grescin said, her voice quiet and maybe a little sad. “But we could easily stun you just now and say you’re ill.”


oop, well. maybe not lol. She seems like the type who's willing to extend an olive branch, but if it means disrupting her work and what she's doing, she isn't shy to use force or whatever means are necessary to neutralise that force. yeah? maybe?

He just had to stay silent and it would be fine.


HMM WHY DO I GET THE FEELING IT WILL NOT BE FINE?


I know you mention the gun again here, to remind us of the danger, but I almost wish that you had brought it out again instead of just a "hey, remember that dangerous thing?" to amp up the stakes. Ennet wasn't afraid to use it on Janny, but would that have changed (I mean, I'm pretty sure the answer is no, but it would be set in stone if he got it out, you know?) after they've had some time around each other?


Janny also suddenly seems more aware in this chapter, which I did kind of mention, but I wish that had also been earlier. I'm sure you're tired of hearing that, but just as in: I think it's really good here, to have him wondering what he's going to do and actually knowing about what's going on. I know he evolves from being more passive, so in the beginning, he's supposed to be, but it doesn't... slide smoothly into him questioning everything now, in this chapter? It almost seems like he went from being "not worried at all" > "I'm concerned about the gun and the mind wipe that was mentioned a bit ago and I'm only getting bothered by all this now"?
I don't... really know how to explain that, so do with it what you will. I still don't think he has to be more engaged in the beginning, and I still think it's great that he is more passive and unconcerned! I just think it should segue better to him starting to be concerned, yeah?


(I also glanced at the other reviews after I wrote all my thoughts down, and I do kinda agree with Pan that I assumed, when they got called for the confirmation check, that there would be more tension? But I'm also not really sure, it's not clear)


Anyway! That's all I have for you today!

I hope you're having a wonderful time <3 I'll be back for more soon!




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Thu Sep 12, 2019 9:06 am
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Bisc! Thought I'd drop in and help you shift this from the Green Room. I've not read any other chapters of this, but I'm vaguely familiar with the premise, so I didn't have too much difficulty following it.

Small Comments

The Hub - at least, this particular Hub, and it was the only Hub for milons around - had begun life as a pleasingly symmetrical star pattern arrangement of platforms. The original platforms were attached by long straight lines of thick, solid metal. The more recent additions were linked together by shoerner strands of flexible metal, or in some cases carbon fibre, all bolted together and criss-crossing all over the place. The arrangement looked like the tangles of wires behind panels of electronics, like the sort Janny had been on his way to unfankle earlier that morning.

Underneath the Hub, you faced off with all the other unscheduled arrivals to earn your spot in the docks. There were ‘roads’ marked out with parallel lines of what honestly appeared to be red spray paint, floating in space. Across the road from Janny and the Scentians, another craft flashed its headlights. Grescin flashed her headlights back and waved her hand, elaborately mouthing “No, you first!” towards the windscreen. Ennet had one hand on his forehead and his shoulders sagged.


I had to focus pretty hard to take all of this in. I didn't really get into the chapter until the characters started speaking to one another, so I think these two paragraphs should be trimmed down as much as possible, and maybe positioned later in the chapter when the scene is in motion.

“You’re talking out loud again,” Ennet grumbled, slumped down so far that his head couldn’t be seen over the back of his chair.

“Oh. Sorry,” Janny said.


This was a little jarring, because I have no idea exactly what Janny was supposed to have been saying out loud. Then again, this scene is written from Janny's POV, so I suppose it would be stranger if you actually showed the dialogue.

“I haven’t. The TS Daer-Hub picked me up from Flad-Ta. Actually… is it true people wait weeks for their turn? I heard rumours back home from people who’ve been out here but I never asked.”

“Oh boy is that true,” Ennet muttered. Janny could see him better now, looking over the shoulders of the Scentians. Ennet was slouched so far down that his head barely reached halfway up his chair. “Some people rent properties here for the duration of their stay, instead of going to a hotel. Some people, if they’re frequent flickers, even buy properties.”

“Heck,” Grescin added, “I know a guy who built a whole miniature island here just so he’d have somewhere to stay when he waited a whole month.”


This was definitely the most amusing bit of the chapter. I love the idea that space travel is just as much of a chaotic mess as travelling on land!

Overall Thoughts

Your intuition was that this chapter was slow, and I think you're correct on that front. There is some interesting world-building here, especially regarding the teleportation, and I'm interested by the cast. However, the whole traffic jam thing quickly started to drag, and I honestly think you could cut the stuff about Grescin waiting for the other craft to go first. Aside from giving us some sense of her personality, I don't think it added much at all.

I was more interested in the whole confirmation check, because that seems like it could be a source of tension and danger, especially seeing as (as far as I can glean) they're not supposed to have Janny on board. Perhaps the next chapter segment goes into that, but I wanted to get to it much quicker. There's no real sense of tension or rising stakes in this chapter, and I don't think the world-building is quite enough to hold my attention. Then again, I have come into this late, so I'm probably not as invested in or keen to understand the setting. So take my opinion with a pinch of salt.

I can't work out the dynamic with Janny. Is he a prisoner? They're treating him pretty cordially, so I assume he can't have done anything too serious. He and Ennet stood out to me as having the most personality - especially Ennet, who has that grumpy side that I particularly love in a character. Grescin seemed a bit more obscure to me, but it might just be that her character traits aren't as in-your-face. She definitely seems to balance Ennet out, at least.

That's about all I have to say, really, because fairly little happened in the chapter. My main suggestion would be to cut it down significantly, because while some of the world-building was interesting, some of it dragged, and reading about characters in a traffic jam (albeit a space one) is never going to be super engaging. Your character interactions are pretty good, but considering that they're called for a confirmation check, I would like a greater sense of agitation or peril leading up to that moment. The scene just needs a little more tension and pace, I think.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Sun Sep 08, 2019 12:08 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hello again @DougalOfBiscuits I am here to do another review on your great work. Lets get right in to it.

So again I really like Ennet, I mean Ennet is my favorite character ever in the hole story so far. Okay so I say this a lot, and I mean it, I really like the beginning of this chapter. I really like the hole chapter really I do.

“No, you first!” towards the windscreen. Ennet had one hand on his forehead and his shoulders sagged.


Lol I really like this line, I just think is funny, with what Ennet did. I think the lines cool.

The names for every character are great and they go well to gather. They soot the personality of the character perfectly. I really like this but one thing, I'm sorry that i'm not giving you any advise about this chapter. but its to good to say anythings wrong with it.

So that's all that I can say. This chapter was the best for me I loved reading.

I Hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews.





Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
— Ludwig Borne