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The Note

by Riellehn


Last night I wrote a letter,

Though I guess it's more a note.

I put it on my dresser,

Those solemn words I wrote.

-

They came from deep inside me,

From the darkest part in my head.

A place that fed on misery,

A place that wished me dead.

-

It was addressed to those I've met,

To those I've come to adore.

It told them to forget,

That I'd trouble them no more.

-

"I wish I had done better,"

Said those sorrowful words I wrote.

"But I guess I'm just a failure,

With a noose around his throat.

-

"I know this brings you sorrow,

I know this brings you pain.

But for me, there's no tomorrow,

For my beasts, they can't be slain.

-

"Just please, oh please, don't cry for me,

I'm just not worth your tears.

I broke down to my misery,

I couldn't face my fears.

-

"Here lies my last words spoke,

Amongst pitiful pleas I wrote.

My heart, mind, soul's been broke,

By the fangs clamped round my throat.

-

"In the end, I was caught,

In the fight, I hardly fought.

The Beast, it got its feast.

It won, and claimed your son."


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12 Reviews


Points: 499
Reviews: 12

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Wed Sep 04, 2019 1:18 pm
riotheselcouth wrote a review...



Hi Rei, Good evening (: I'm Riothe

Your poem has a deep meaning and full of metaphors. While I'm reading your poem, line by line, i felt something wrong, it'll going to be a creepy poem.
but these lines have a unique twist and i really like it.

"Here lies my last words spoke,

Amongst pitiful pleas I wrote.

My heart, mind, soul's been broke,

By the fangs clamped round my throat"

it's just a simple stanza but if I'll going to dive in this pool of metaphors, it seems like a hugging a cactus.

—riothe selcouth 🍂




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25 Reviews


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Tue Sep 03, 2019 6:11 pm
26Gemini wrote a review...



I just, I'm crying. There is so much for you. Whether or not this letter was/is yours. I love you the site loves you and you are so much more than this. This is a great poem, thick with emotion. But if this is how you feel, and if this is what you think about yourself, you are wrong you are an awesome beautiful growing person and
i am glad to know you. I would never want this to happen to you. <3


I like the poem it bears emotion well , especially with this format. The rhyming was iridescent, it was so perfect. I hope you well and I love your somewhat alarming poem. We all feel similar to this in our lives we just need to hang on until the good things sweep the bad feels under the carpet. <3
If you need to P.M me.




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509 Reviews


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Mon Sep 02, 2019 11:55 pm
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hey, Riellehn! I'm here - as promised.

Suicide is a difficult topic to talk about, especially when trying to portray it from the victim's perspective. You did a great job at handling it in a mature, respectful way. I've thankfully never had to deal with a suicide among my friends or family, but I've read enough stories to know that your poem portrayed suicide notes realistically.

Rhyming can either work great or alright for a poem. I admit I'm torn on your use of it here. I feel like the poem would feel more personal if you didn't include the rhyme scheme, but I also feel like the rhyme scheme makes it come across as more of a story - something that works really well for this particular narrative. It reminds me of a folk tale or a ballad, and I don't usually see works that tackle suicide portraying it in that way.

Your poem doesn't add anything new to the topic of suicide, but it does portray it in a refreshing, new way.

I tried finding little grammatical errors or spelling mistakes, but I wasn't able to find any - nice job on that!

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. I can't wait to read more works of yours in the future!

Thanks for writing this piece, and happy #RevMo !

Image




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14 Reviews


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Thu Aug 08, 2019 1:03 am
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DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza wrote a review...



Hey, I’m here to review!

This poem is a very emotional poem, to think of all the lives claimed and all of the similar letters most likely wrote. To know this isn’t just a fiction piece about rainbows and butterfly’s. To know this is real, to a lot of people.
I think it would be interesting if you wrote a sort of “part 2” to this poem from the parents point of view. I think that would be even more heartbreaking.

Though, you did a good job with the doeful tone of the poem. I didn’t cry while reading this, but I can imagine that others have struggled with this, and it’s honestly sad. That we live in a world where all people want to do is die. I mean we have global warming, serial killers, suicides, and so many other bad things. But sometimes sad poems are needed, for people to wake up. For people to not feel alone anymore...

I liked the rhyming scheme. It made it seem like a childish tone, paired with the sadness and misery of the demons in their head. This made it even creepier.

I don’t really have any critique.

As always, keep writing!

-Daria




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Sat Jul 20, 2019 8:50 am
Liberty wrote a review...



Heyo Rie!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review! Let's get right down into it. PS: I haven't done a review for a poem, so excuse me, please. :)

Alright, so let's start with all the punctuation. It's fabulous. Down right fabulous! You put every single one of those marks in the perfect spots which makes it a great read; the flow goes really well! So great job with that. :smt023

Now, like many other reviewers have said, "I didn't expect for there to be rhyming, since this is such a deep poem," --> I highly agree. Most of the time, poets usually write their "deep" poems not in a rhymey way, ya know? You decided to stir things up a bit and did rhyming! It's all amazing and nothing here feels forced at all -- to me. (:

By the way, I'm jelly of the words you used. It all fits in so well and... Oh god, it's just way too good.

Ooh, by the way, I'd like to tell you what my favorite stanza was:

They came from deep inside me,

From the darkest part in my head.

A place that fed on misery,

A place that wished me dead.


It just brings me the chills, ya know?

Anyhoooo, done with my review! Hope this helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me. Also, please please please continue on with poem-writing. You're a magician at it.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




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Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:44 am
OmMolly says...



Hello

Let me tell you that this precious piece made me cry without control. And I really felt every part of it. The way you've wrote these lines of how he feels guilty towards his parents made me feel like I would like to read more about him. And I wonder what will be the reaction and the reply of his parents after reading this note. By the way I enjoyed it as it touched my heart. finally, KEEP IT ON!




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Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:43 am
OmMolly wrote a review...



Hello

Let me tell you that this precious piece made me cry without control. And I really felt every part of it. The way you've wrote these lines of how he feels guilty towards his parents made me feel like I would like to read more about him. And I wonder what will be the reaction and the reply of his parents after reading this note. By the way I enjoyed it as it touched my heart. finally, KEEP IT ON!




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19 Reviews


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Wed Jul 17, 2019 12:21 am
lilithyoung wrote a review...



Oh wow. I really love this piece. I especially like the lines "I broke down to my misery, I couldn't face my fears." and "The Beast, it got its feast. It won, and claimed your son."

Typically, in pieces as serious as this, authors choose not to rhyme. Your choice to use rhyme gives this piece such a chilling, haunting feel to it. I typically don't enjoy rhyming poems, but this one captivates me. I'd love to see you do more with it!

That being said, this piece stirred up some hard emotions deep deep down in me. I remember feeling like this. The way you cultivated these difficult emotions into beautifully written words is amazing. You are very talented. Please, keep writing.

All my love,
Lil




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Sun Jul 14, 2019 1:09 am
salia4 wrote a review...



absolutely love this, normally I tell people with more serious topics to shy away from using a rhyme scheme, but here it really works. Your poem has a nice rhythm and steady beat. It also flowed really nicely, and I couldn't find anything that I think would make this better.

To be honest, I absolutely love poetry, as I love how it's lyrical literature and is an effective way of getting across to your reader the theme or moral in which you're trying to convey. This poem especially hit home with me as someone who has had many problems in the past, which led me to make numerous decisions I came to regret, and as I was reading the things the son had wrote to his family, I related to all of it on a deepy personal and emotional level, as that's exactly the things that got through your head when you're in that mindset.

I do not know if you have suffered from depression or any related illnesses, but either way, I am impressed, and I will definitely have to check out some of your other pieces!




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Sat Jul 13, 2019 11:21 am
Bhaavya Singh says...



The title was very catchy. The poem too was beautifully framed. One can feel the pain while reading. I loved to read your poem. Please keep on writing such impactful work.




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Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:48 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this wonderful night, and the get your work out the green room.

Okay, let's start shall we?

Your name for this poem was a really good choice, quite catchy I will say. I had to come read your work and see what this note would hold inside it. And boy I was not disappointed at all. It was stacked with so much emotions it was like I was swimming in them, though that could also be some of mine, because I felt sorry for the boys mom and dad, and him.
So I really like the flow you have here, it's really well written, the punctuation is all in the right places, and it allows it the flow like water through your readers mind, and I really like that.
Also this note kind of tells your reader how the boy felt, and what was going on inside his mind. And that's not an easy thing to do in my opinion. So great job.
I'm also just digging your riming, it so well done, it's don't to perfection let's say. ;) And I enjoyed reading it a lot. That was this very moment I still have your poem going through my mind.

Well that's all from me for now, I'm really glad that I got to read this poem, and review it too. I hope you will keep writing amazing works and post more on YWS soon. I hope what ever you are going through it will pass over and your life will get better, just keep in mind your not alone. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.





There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable