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how to lose a life

by erilea


begin by looking at the mirror for too long. learn how to criticize every line and freckle you find. stare at your flaws and burn your imperfection into your memory until your sister is pounding on the door because you're taking too long. this is only preparing you for what you will face.


forgive adults for swearing in your presence. don't let your breath catch or your eyes widen. let these words take the place of the emotion you can't express. realize that this is how to feel something, at least for however long the word lasts.


forget how to smile. never show your teeth unless you are baring them. look around you and discover that there isn't much worth smiling about anymore.

the little things in life can only bring you so much joy. eventuallly, they will stop bringing joy at all.


let your friends and family change every part of you until you look into the mirror and realize this is what people want to see. let words get to you until they just don't any more. let glazed eyes and wandering thoughts be a defense mechanism rather than a product of idle time. convince yourself this is how it must be, forever and always until the rest of your life. there's not a lot left of it anyway.

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17 Reviews

Points: 84
Reviews: 17

Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:54 am
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salia4 wrote a review...

Okay, I first read this and was just like "whoa" like dang, this is absolutely amazing and is something I can truly relate to on a really personal level, as someone who struggles with some apsects of depersonalization and derealization, as well as depression and body dysmorphia, everything mentioned in this piece is stuff I experienced daily. I am glad of the fact that you claimed this is not based on a true story, however, that just makes me appreciate more, because there are a lot of people that experience exactly what you've described, and to be able to explain it so perfectly, despite not having gone through the experience yourself shows a great deal of empathy and insightfullness you possess, and I highly respect you for that.

Amazing work! And I will most definitely need to check out some of your other works!

erilea says...

Thank you so much! :) Your praise is appreciated.

“I don't talk things, sir. I talk the meaning of things.”
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451