Young Writers Society

Hello!

You have a fun piece here that made me giggle despite its depressing subject matter. It started off pretty strongly, I thought, and the way it ended indicating malaria was such a neat finish.

I thought that my mind presided

Over the powerful lever,

To my health and a fitter self.

I like how you have these neat little rhymes like in stanza three. It really helps with the flow and rhythm, making it very easy to read. I had to read this sentence, though, several times before I could understand what was happening. And it's funny how the only thing that held me back was the comma. XD The comma doesn't belong at the end of line two, so it felt choppy and stagnant!

And it was no fluke,

That I had gone without a puke,

For a whole of a thousand days.

You certainly love commas, but this is another example of where commas aren't really needed. It's very easy to fall into the idea that a comma is necessary for a break, but the line breaks here do all that you need. The comma makes the pause just that much loner, which disrupts the flow.

Minus the comas, though, lines 1-2 are among my favoritest ever and I wil most certainly be using this in day-to-day conversations now. //nods

It hadth the power to take away all my wealth , worth and pef.

 And turn me into lifelong lever holding griever.

I don't know what "pef" is supposed to mean. Maybe I'm out of touch of modern phrases, but I'm not picking up on this abbreviation. I really liked the alliteration of "wealth, worth" and hoped this "pef" would fit the rhythm, but I'm too ignorant to figure it out, I guess.

The second line was also difficult to read, but I think some punctuation might help it flow better: "And turn me into a lifelong, lever-holding griever."

It's interesting that you use this "lever" concept, but it's never about flipping a switch or anything. It's just a solid grip on this lever with no imagery to accompany it. There's not much explanation for this seemingly arbitrary metaphor. We're clearly trying to picture a lever deciding his health, and how it was suddenly flipped after several years with the oncoming fever. It just felt like the metaphor was lost and forgotten, and I'll go into that a bit more with the next few lines.

of eleyes sleepless nights.

I don't knwo what eleyes is. My brain wants to say it's a misspelling of "eyeless" but I'm not entirely sure and wanted to point it out just in case.

It will not be allowed a 12+ rating on, 

A site that even lords strangle their kind to get featured on.

Another pint of humor that I adore. XD

Here I am now,

At a place where there is no day not a night.

A place the mere mortals call the Heyyvans.

Summoning the same old creatures

To do the task they have done

Since there were the suns and

The stars.

To bring down the mortals' ego

Within their limits and pray to me each time

they have dreaded Malariaaaa.

So the poem's build-up to the end gets a bit weird for me. I get rather lost until the very last line, when it reveals it's about malaria, and I somewhat understand what I read. But definitely the last several lines don't really make much sense with the first half, like the writer's fevered mind kind of lost focus and started babbling until it couldn't beat around the bush any longer. XD iT KINDA FIT THE THEME but didn't quite work either.

It certainly tried tying back to the heavens thing by referencing the suns and stars, which was good, and I like that it also ties back to the weakened state of the human mind because of this illness. Like there are good things, but it feels so discombobulated, and we never refer to the lever again. So I think this part would need a little rework.

I enjoyed it for what it was, though. It was a fun, humorous twist on something that can bring down just about any human being. (Malaria is just awful, ugh.)

I hope you feel better! Glad to see it hasn't kept you from writing.

Jabber, the One and Only!