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i think i wrote poetry once

by alliyah


poetry dusty and left alone

starts to take on mildew

and other strange creeping things

i thought i'd forgotten

like conversations ringing so long afterwards

they no longer carry words, just

the feeling that something was unfinished here


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Mon Sep 27, 2021 8:45 pm
FireEyes wrote a review...



Hey alliyah! Incoming review!

Oh my, I think we have an existential poetry writing crisis here. With that said let me review your work.

I'll start with critique.

i thought i'd forgotten
I feel like I point out these types of things a lot but the line here isn't following the flow of your poem well. But I think it would lend to a cool effect in this poem. Writing a purposefully choppy and amateur poem can go along with the notion as you think you've written good poetry before but forgot how to.

But that was all for critique. Let me praise your work now.
poetry dusty and left alone

starts to take on mildew
Just a great start to a poem. It gives me a setting as would a novel. I can literally see an old 19th century house and smell the musty smell. What great imagery you gave to your reader with only two lines.

they no longer carry words, just

the feeling that something was unfinished here
Your poetry always manages to get me to feel things. Here I can feel the guilt of abandoning something you were so passionate about but there it lies, unloved. Kind of like ditching a WIP for another project that is so much more exciting. But then it just collects dust on the table or buried deep away into a file. AAAA It just makes me feel guilty somehow. I feel like I should finish one of my WIPs now lol.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful. A shorter review, I know. But I hope you enjoyed either way. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<3333

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Thu Sep 12, 2019 9:04 pm
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Magebird wrote a review...



Hey there!

I know this is an older poem of yours, but I saw it kicking around in the poetry section and thought I'd try my hand at a review.

As @Morrigan commented earlier, the first line reads awkwardly from a lack of punctuation. I know how hard it can be to add punctuation into a poem mostly lacking it, so an alternative solution might be rearranging the words. However, I feel like that might cause that line to lose some of its meaning, so feel free to completely disregard that critique.

I think my favorite part of this poem is either its brevity or the final three lines.

The brevity works incredibly well for a poem about struggling to write poetry after awhile of not writing it; a longer piece might have gone against the message. It's a cool aesthetic choice that I really enjoyed once I noticed it.

On the other hand, I really love the final three lines for how much I can relate to them. I rediscovered some of my older poems today, and I realized how unfinished they felt. I haven't written poetry since June, but seeing them made me want to continue from where I left over. This poem gives me the same feeling.

My final little comment on this awesome little poem is how much I loved the formatting. It took me a reread to catch onto it, but the poem can be read as one, long sentence. It almost reminds me of a six word short story. There's not a lot of content in the poem, but it still conveys an entire message and tale.

Great job on this poem!

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alliyah says...


Thanks Mage! I like the minimalist punctuation/capitalization in this one, because it makes the reader have to read either slowly like each line is one thing/image, or just read it all mashed into one sentence - and I really like the effect of both for this piece. I get what you're saying for that first line, though I might be rebellious and just take out the comma that's hiding in there to make it completely devoid of punctuation too! XD

Thank you again for your thoughts! I'm glad you connected with it! <3



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Sat Jul 06, 2019 8:12 pm
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shieldmaiden says...



Really sad. This short piece packs a powerful punch. It's one of the things I really love about poetry. A person can say so many things with only a few lines. I'm not a poet, but sure do appreciation it in others. I hope to someday write works similar to this one. Please keep writing.
-Shieldmaiden




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Mon Jul 01, 2019 3:10 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



Really, when I first saw your poem, I was kinda scared it’ll be enormous- the length of your poem is a ReLiEf. Back to the outlines of your poem. I think your poem has no rhymes.. hmm.. yes. And the rhythm is fairly equal, although certain lines, like one, is a bit shorter than the rest. There is a certain appeal to your poem. You know.. like the complexity of simplicity. You use simple words and yet they are so richhhhh. And just like your last sentence (The feeling that something was unfinished here), that poem feels the same way to us. It seems as if you’re hinting to something too complex or secretive for us yet to grasp, and believe me, not all poems manage to do that. It’s fascniating how so little length build so much admiration and escapism and thoughts. You really have potential, and rethought I usually recommend adding imagery and description; in your case I think only comparison would add to your poem’s appeal.




alliyah says...


Short poems can be good for a change. I'm not quite grasping what your suggestion about adding comparison means. I use a couple different metaphors in the poem, do you think they need to be expanded? Thanks for reading. :)



silvermoon17 says...


I%u2019m sorry if I%u2019m unclear, what I meant was simply.. well.. yeah, to expand your metaphors. Maybe (if you know what it means) an extended metaphor would be great. But I also meant similes and personification. Thanks for replying :)



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Sun Jun 30, 2019 12:05 am
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hey, alliyah! I haven't reviewed your poetry in a little while, but as this was in the Green Room, I decided to give this one a shot! You do not have to take anything I say to heart - you know that I'm generally blunt and awkward anyway and you know how reviewing works, so I guess that I don't need to give you the whole shindig, haha. Since this poem is so short, this review will be a little shorter than usual.

So, the first two lines transition-wise are very awkward and shaky, since you change tenses (the first line is in past tense, and the second is in present tense). The rest of the poem changes tense randomly as well ("thought" in the fourth line; "carry" in the sixth line), which makes the poem a little awkward, per se.

Define "things". I think that you could be so much more specific with this line - especially considering your experience - into something much more interesting. Words that I would use would be "fungi", or "molds". The same rule could be applied to the last line, which ends with the word "here". Where is "here"? What is "here"? Why is "here"?

"like conversations ringing so long afterwards" is pretty awkward. I don't really understand what you're saying here? Well, I do, but I think that your wording could be switched up a little until it makes sense and/or is less puzzling. Then again, I can't come up with a way that this line would flow, so this is quite difficult.

For a poem being so short, and for the poem being the first one that you at least posted in almost a month, you did very well! My critiques are more on specifics and tense than anything, and I think that you could easily improve those to make this poem better!

Have a great day! Auf Wiedersehen!

~~zami.




alliyah says...


Thanks for the critiques zami! You have a good eye for poetry-flow & word choice, and I appreciate your suggestions. The line "conversations that ring.." was supposed to mean those conversations that you never really forget, but after awhile you play them in your head so often they become meaningless or twisted. I think there must be a better way to phrase that line, so I'll take another look when I get to editing.

~alliyah



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Sat Jun 29, 2019 6:26 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi Alliyah, I'm here to review your poem!

All right, so we have a short poem here. I dig it. I dig the length and the focus. Not every poem has to be an epic. That also means I can be pretty specific about what I'm seeing in the poem! So here we go.

poetry dusty and left alone
I think it's really interesting that you chose not to punctuate this. I dig the image, but the rhythm feels strange because there are no intentional pauses here. I read it as "poetry dusty" and my brain wants to switch it around to "dusty poetry" because there's no comma after poetry. This is up to you, and is a bit of a nitpick, but I think it would feel better if you stuck a comma in there.

starts to take on mildew
I feel like "starts to" is weakening this line. If you say "takes on mildew" we get a more definite image, something stronger to hold onto. I'm seeing sheets of paper shoved into drawers and abandoned until some descendant of the poet digs them out of the writing desk, and "starts to" seems too fresh for something that is unfinished. If that makes sense? I would even consider using a stronger verb here, something like "gathers," or even something unorthodox. Give us as much imagery as you can in as few words possible.

and other strange creeping things
I'm really torn on this line. I like the mystery of what these creeping things are, but I'm also disappointed that we don't have more of a concrete image here. I recommend replacing "things" with a physical image. Perhaps "shadows," or something similar. "Shadows" is still vague, but it also is an image. It retains the mystery of the original line, but allows us more of a picture in our heads.

i thought i'd forgotten
I like this line. It's a bit of a contradictory statement, but it adds to this mysterious, ancient air that the piece has. I do think that there should be some kind of punctuation at the end of this line, though. The poem becomes a run-on thought after this since there is no break. I'd either put a period or make the rest of the poem a separate stanza in order to separate the thoughts.

like conversations ringing so long afterwards
Ahhh yes. I feel this feeling. Like what you said doesn't really matter, but you're unsettled. The whole rest of the poem really shows something about poetry. Whenever I dig something out, it's hard to understand what I was thinking at the time since I'm not in that headspace anymore. I really enjoy this concept.

they no longer carry words, just
I feel like the enjambment here isn't functioning how it's supposed to. It's a little jarring to end after "just." This also could be because I hate the word "just." Sometimes it works, but most of the time, it weakens a sentence. Here, I think it works in the sentence, but would function better at the beginning of the next line.

the feeling that something was unfinished here
This line feels a little clunky, so I'd consider rewriting it. Perhaps say something like, "just the sinking feeling something waits unfinished here." Of course, you're the poet here, so you can substitute whatever you like. Something does just feel unfinished here, and I think you can make this last line stronger.

Altogether, I like this a lot. I usually don't like poems about poetry, but this is nice. It really made me feel like I'm not the only one who leaves chunks of my mind in my poems and then forgets about them. Thanks for posting this! I hope this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting, and happy YWSing!




alliyah says...


Thanks so much Morrigan! If I take some time to polish this poem up, I'll be taking up some of your suggestions. Thanks for your comments and advice! :)




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta