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what did she do?

by Liberty


what did she do?

i ask you. . .

what did she do?

the girl with the black hair,

black eyes,

black clothes.

everyone played the blame game with. . .

the girl with the black hair,

black eyes,

black clothes.

did she sin?

did she lie?

did she kill?

did she cheat?

no.

i tell you,

the girl with the black hair,

black eyes,

black shoes,

did nothing.

what did she do?

i ask you. . .

what did she do?

nothing, i tell you.

nothing.

don't put the blame on her.

don't play the blame game.

she did nothing.

.

Please please please don't play the blame game. Don't put your blame on others. It's not nice. It's not fun. It's not cool.


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Wed Sep 11, 2019 11:37 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Liberty! It's me FlamingPhoenix again here to leave a review on your work, I'll try and make it longer this time but I don't think I will be able to.

Okay let's begin. This time I have a longer poem to review.

So I did see one of two things I would like to bring up tonight if that is alright will you.
The first thing I saw that is very small and doesn't really need to be changed if you don't agree with me, but I don't think you need the Question mark in the title, it is a title and you never use Question marks and full-stops in the title normally so I don't think you need the question mark.

Another thing I saw is that some of your sentences are longer then the rest, and it really puts the flow out a little, because in the beginning you had a really good flow going for you then your sentences went long then short again and so on, and it knocked me out of whack a little, so maybe try and shorten the long sentences or try to make the shorter sentences longer, the choice is up to you.

And maybe try to brake your sentences into paragraphs, that way when your reader gets to breaks between the paragraphs they will stop and think about what you are telling up, the message behind this poem, and it really is one that means a lot to us people who do the blaming and are blames on. This girl also sounds a lot like me, I have very dark hair and I wear lot's of black cloths so this has shown me I should have more colorful cloths.

One more thing, is that maybe you should change this into a song, because you are repeating a lot of the same things, and by doing that it kind of takes the reader away from the message in your poem, so maybe thing about it, I'm not going to go to deep into why and stuff because everyone else has done a good job with doing it.

As You can tell I really liked your poem, it was full of many messages for us readers, and I think I will try and change a few things about me. So I'm really glad I came and read you poem it showed me a few things I didn't think about before, I hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS soon, I just love reading your works. Have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix!!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

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Liberty says...


Thanks again!





Your welcome!



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Thu Sep 05, 2019 11:38 am
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Magestorrow wrote a review...



Hey, Liberty! I'm here to review your work.

This poem brought me back! I wore a lot of black shirts back in my early years of high school, and the majority of my characters from eighth grade until junior year had black as a staple of their clothing. So even though I've never personally been through what you're describing, I've definitely thought about it a lot.

A large amount of your poem relies on repetition. Looking through your reviews, I saw that @Dossereana mentioned what I was thinking while reading through your poem - the repetition is used almost too much. Repetition isn't a bad thing in a poem (it's actually one of my favorite poetry tropes) but sometimes it can overtake the message of the poem.

But, in the case of this poem, there's an easy fix! Formatting is your best friend when writing repetitive poetry. It lets the reader follow your poem in easy-to-digest chunks, and also allows you to highlight specific sections instead of them all blending together. I'm not sure where the best place to break your poem up is, but it might be a good idea to do it before each time you say this:

what did she do?
i ask you. . .


You can also add more lines and details in between the repeating lines. It makes it harder for someone's eyes to skip from one repeated line to the next, and also adds more imagery to your poem - something that never hurts!

Another interesting thing I noticed about this poem was that you put spaces between the periods in the ellipses. I've never really seen it before, but I love how it made me draw out those specific lines when I was reading them.

Overall, great job on this poem! I love how you touched on a topic that I haven't seen addressed in poetry before. It's clear that you feel passionate about this topic.

Happy #RevMo !

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Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! :)



Magestorrow says...


You're welcome!



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Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:58 pm
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anu wrote a review...



Hi. This poem was one of its kind,actually. And the best thing about it is that it is sooo relatable. Even when reading it, i can feel the anger and despair one feels when the blame is put on them. Sooo true- it is not cool. But then you cant expect cool things from totally dumb people who make it their job to play this blame game. Believe me, they play it very well, not being able to play a good game.

But then sometimes it if you were just repeating. Nevertheless it was a nice poem.




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! Everything you said makes sense. :)



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Tue Jun 25, 2019 5:55 pm
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anu says...



Hi. Well written




Liberty says...


Hey, thanks!



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Sun Jun 23, 2019 7:59 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @Liberty500 I am here to do a review on your poem here. So lets get right into it shell we.

what did she do?
i ask you. . .
what did she do?
the girl with the black hair,
black eyes,
black clothes.
what did she do?
everyone played the blame game with. . .
the girl with the black hair,
black eyes,
black clothes.
what did she do?
i ask you. . .
what did she do?
nothing, i tell you.
nothing.
what did she do?
did she sin?
did she lie?
did she kill?
did she cheat?
no.
i tell you,
the girl with the black hair,
black eyes,
black shoes,
did nothing.
don't put the blame on her.
don't play the blame game.
she did nothing.
So this is the hole poem and I can say that there are a lot of repeated things here, I am feel like this can get a little to much,
but what I can say this is like a song just like what @Awru said, also yes don't let anybody put you done. This poem is great, and with a bit of work, it could be even better, also I am guessing that you were describing a goth here, just saying it sounded like that to me. if you had not have repeated things so much I think I would have really, really liked this poem.

So that is all that I can say, keep a strong heart life is hard sometimes, I for one no. Also if I was being a bit harsh I am really sorry pleas forgive me. And if you need to talk my PM box is always open. :D

I hope you have a great chilling Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review and for the kind words. No, nothing you said was mean. I whole heartedly agree with everything you said. :) Thanks again!



Dossereana says...


Glade to hear that. :D and happy to help always.



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Sun Jun 23, 2019 7:25 am
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Awru wrote a review...



This poem is soooooo gooodd though.It kinda reminds of the song Look what you made me do.Its sooo smooth.But you should never let negative people upset you.There is always a bright side.Such people want to make you unhappy.Do not give them this satisfaction.Besides
. And i don't really care if nobody there believess
. Cuz i still got a lot of fight left left in me
Fight song by Rachel Platten
Have a gr8 Day




Liberty says...


Thank you so much. <3 For the kind words and the review. You have a great day too. :)




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