Young Writers Society

I liked the poem because it conveys a strong sense of community and appreciation for wisdom and beliefs. The poem speaks of the people looking up to their elders and expressing gratitude for the wisdom and belief that is shared among them. The poem also speaks of a place filled with love and unity, which is something I can appreciate.

On the other hand, I disliked the poem because it has a lot of noise and unneeded words. The poem could've been more concise and to the point. There were also a lot of generalizations that could have been more specific. Additionally, the poem seems to be missing a clear story or plot. Despite this, I think it is an interesting poem and I appreciate the message it conveys.

I really think this poem has potential but it needs a lot of work. My issues with this poem are:

1. The flow of it, its sort of all over the place? It has a really odd flow that makes this poem hard to read and honestly feels like I'm reading a diary entry or dialogue piece in a book. While I don't expect the poem to have a rhyme to it since poems don't need to rhyme to be good nor written well, a poem should at least have a nice flow to it? I suggest maybe more emotionally charged words which can help read the poem more dramatically making it have a flow. Or maybe use similar sounding words? Not rhyming necessarily but enough to make a flow to it.

2. The poem isn't very detailed and isn't that emotional. While not all poems have to be extremely detailed to be well crafted I feel like this one could use a little bit more detail. Elders and older people are wise right? Describe it! Describe their lives and how they gained wisdom from their adventures and experiences, describe how you feel hearing their wisdom. I feel like this poem can be so beautiful if you describe these emotions in more depth and detail to really show how wise and insightful elders are and how it makes you feel like as a younger person to have the opportunity to indulge in such wisdom.

3. I think my final gripe with this poem is that its super short and doesn't really give the person much perspective or context being the length it is. Short poems can work depending on how well they are written but I feel like with this one it's just a little too short for my taste. I feel like (and this sort of goes back to problems 2 and 1) is that the poem is so short doesn't really establish any flow or really any context. The poem just sort of throws out this general idea of "Elders are wise" and sort of leaves it at that. Try to make the poem and as said before, describe the themes and ideas! Let your brain really build this idea and try to let it grow!

I hope my review helped you somewhat!

Wesh! I'm Jade you know that lol and I'm just going to give my thoughts on this ! The title caught my attention so here we are!

I am struck with noise,
Struck sounds awkward? Maybe try another word that can help portray the flow.

and un none hearts.
Un none? What does that mean?

This place is filled with lots of love.
I like the message, but it sounds off.

The people have wisdom,

And a believe,
Belief* is the correct spelling for this. I know it sounds nitpicky, but using the proper spelling can help polish an amazing poem!

That is greater then any other.
Than* not then. Than means your comparing it. More than that. She has lighter hair than him. Make sense?

We look up to our olders,
Elders*

and say
There should be a colon here, I think (I may be wrong.) And the flow is pretty crazy.

they have wisdom and a big believe that is widened with joy.
Belief again*

I love the message of this poem and I'm sorry I pointed out all of the mistakes. I hope this helps. I love the cute picture and I can't wait to see more of your work

Jade <3

I was hoping to prove wrong all other reviewers on how your message was unclear.. but truth is, your whole message is actually a confusing one. I believe this is a positive poem, but the end unsettles me. (That is greater than any other/ we look up to our olders) WUT?? I get it can be positive, like, that our elders hold the wisdom of the world- but why the short sentences? Why a kinda submissive way of talking? Short sentences are either used for confusion/ a huge amount of pain/shame /when you are too young and closed in on yourself to speak out your feelings. Where is the pain or shame in this poem you call positive? I really thought it was a poem on the fake perfection of the elder.. but it seems it isn’t because of that unsettling picture! And the length of your poem.. it’s alright and all.. but a short poem should deliver something making us speechless. This one did.. but not in the way I was unsettled and reeling.. in the way I had no idea what this whole thing was talking about. Rhymes might improve the style of your poem- but the message is still so darn important!

Amazing!!!!

Hello EagleFly. FlamingPhoenix here with a small yet sweet review for you on this lovely night. And there is no need for me to help get this out the green room, because it's already out.
I saw this get posted just a little while ago, and it just flew out the Green room. XD

Anyway let's start.
So I agree with everything @JabberHut has said, this poem could do with a little more work.
But there were also a lot of upsides to this poem, I no just what your talking about, and I understand everything. Because I to felt the way you did. And I think it's really clever how you have turned what you felt into an amazing poem, that is something I'm not very good at.

And I to just adore the image, it's just to cute, And I love how the way the kitten in looking up at the puppy. It just brings out what you said in this poem even more.

I also love the choice of name for this poem, it was rather eye catching, and I new I had to come and read your work.

Over all this poem could do with some work, but I was really sweet, and it is something other people can relate to, like me. Do do keep up the amazing writing because you are getting a lot better at it. And post again on YWS soon. Have a great night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

Hello!! Such a cute image to choose. It's rather appropriate considering the message of your piece. It's clever since the kitten is looking up to the puppy.

I like the repetition you have of the phrase "wisdom and a belief" (spelling!) as it adds a certain emphasis to the phrase. It's so very true, too, how your elderly neighbors are wiser and have developed a certain belief in something over time. It just draws that connection together very well.

I feel like the opening lines were difficult for me to relate to the rest of the poem. There doesn't seem to be a tie between that sentence and the rest of the piece, or perhaps could be expanded on or rephrased. I'm not really sure. There was never really a reference to "the noise" mentioned in the first sentence, so it just seemed kind of random! Though I'll admit, I did like the "unknown hearts" part as they are hearts that the speaker does not know.

It sounds like this piece is about someone entering a community or a place filled with people expressing love and joy, sharing wisdom and experience with the coming generation. It could be applied to many places, and I think that's what makes this piece shine. It's a broad message that can be applied to specific scenarios, so it's very relatable.

I would have loved to get a little more insight into the "joy" part mentioned at the end. It also would be a lot of fun to see a little imagery used here to help paint the emotions of this piece. It could be a fun exercise!

I think you have a lovely start to a simple yet inspiring piece. Several spelling and grammatical errors, but those can be addressed after edits are made.

Very nice! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi @Dossereana I am here to say a vew things about your lovely poem, so lets get right into it.

I am struck with noise,

The people have wisdom,

And a believe,

That is greater then any other.

they have wisdom and a big believe that is widened with joy.