Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General


Timely

by syndrome


	chest complained about a certain weightiness
	throat threw tantrums about something stuck in it
	head spun ‘round
	hands - tremorous, legs - joined
	skin screamed, feeling a burning sensation
	eyes hefty with tears stared blankly
	at nothing
	lips really couldn’t. Yet, somehow managed to spell the words
	                                               it’s here
	punctual and eccentrically eager
	my sadness was here
	                          again
	Stifling, breathless
	I waited
	like a tornado, it consumed me whole
	laying waste, it went
	yet like Sauron’s eye
	I could feel its gaze fixed
	upon me
	penetrating my existence like a thousand burning needles


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 104
Reviews: 20

Donate
Wed Jun 12, 2019 4:57 am
View Likes
ToxicAnglerFish wrote a review...



I really like how this poem describes anxiety. I love how it uses things that aren't painful necessarily, but rather cause discomfort which is what anxiety does. It really hits home to people like us who have to deal with constant worrying about tiny details in the big picture of life due to anxiety. This is a very well done poem showing a good understanding of the emotions of how anxiety, in general, feels like.




User avatar
243 Reviews


Points: 5858
Reviews: 243

Donate
Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:33 pm
silented1 says...



chest complained about a certain weightiness
throat threw tantrums about something stuck in it
head spun ‘round
hands - tremorous, legs - joined
skin screamed, feeling a burning sensation
eyes hefty with tears stared blankly
at nothing
lips really couldn’t. Yet, somehow managed to spell the words
it’s here
punctual and eccentrically eager
my sadness was here
again I like this part a lot. It has a good look at the floor guiltiness. Well done.
Stifling, breathless
I waited
like a tornado, it consumed me whole
laying waste, it went
yet like Sauron’s eye
I could feel its gaze fixed
upon me
penetrating my existence like a thousand burning needles




User avatar
66 Reviews


Points: 4094
Reviews: 66

Donate
Tue Jun 11, 2019 6:43 pm
View Likes
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



My own advice of improving your poem, is by adding rhymes; but also stop doing something like
-and so he went, happily out there for-
-nothing is sweeter than a softer core

Basically, tat sentence work- but sometimes, cutting a sentence in hales just so it rhymes; is kinda cool, but kinda lame afterwards. I mean, when used too much; it becomes heavy. So heavy only the errors flash and your poem flickers away. Which is a shame. This clearly has potential. The police and the way you explored breakdowns- through the shortening of sentence expressing a shortcut over insanity and hollowed rage- could impress. Except I feel too much as if you used nonsense stuff just to add to the rhymes, and not not all to express the feelings. If it’s not that, then it’s the other way round. You see, the beauty of rhymes; is to show how to things (here, the two sentences) can concord perfectly (thus, rhyme) showing that not all are opposites- the beauty in things are the concordances with their opposites. That’s why a poem appears more enhancing than a simple paragraph. So I recommend rhymes, then; structure. You see, I know this is a breakdown; and that the mess of words here express the mess in your feelings and thoughts (tho it’s something which come naturally, so you probably didn’t even notice (thoughts shorten when you’re enraged/hurt)) but you can’t just have an irregular tempo all throughout the poem! I was hopping for the breakdown, leading to the mess of words scattered all across your poem; to happen near the end. Maybe have some itching l’y simple sentences at the beginning, to end with a beautiful breakdown. That would’ve kept us hooked longer, and made us break the same way you did when writing these words down. My advice: when writing about a feeling, express how you came by it, to do so; you might want to jot down possible factors before the breakdown, then the actual breakdown/feeling- and then how it ends. Whether it ends in a badass sentence, a taunting one, a sad one..etc.. that’s your feeling! Do as you will!





cron
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
— Woodrow Wilson