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Two Untitled poems

by LittleTooArrogant


Lights

Low lying shines

Yet illuminated

Yet unseen

None light up inside

Still dark

Still ruminated

None light up inside

--------

Rusty,

   Clanky

all the way cranky,

hurtful creaks

  Silent yet loud leaks,

Weak foundations

Rusty hinges,

  clanky but working,

  broken and burning,

Yet Working.


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Points: 67
Reviews: 2

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Wed May 15, 2019 9:16 pm
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TobilloTheTinyTurtle wrote a review...



I appreciated the formatting towards the end, it really added something to the poem as a whole. The different descriptions of the lights put a certain image in my head. This also helped me connect it to human nature. However, the whole thing feels like two different poems only barely connected with the last line.




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114 Reviews


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Wed May 15, 2019 2:38 am
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FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

The ideas of these poems are nicely written out! Even though there aren't any titles, I feel like I can make my own interpretation of both of these poems. In my opinion, both of these poems seem connected to form one setting... and I'm imagining a creepy basement where you are trying to fix maybe a furnace xD.

Anyway, these each line is short and flows nicely to the next, and these two poems have good imagery. I also like how you repeated the line "None light up inside" to add some effect.

The only thing I would consider is the first poem...
The second poem has good descriptions to actually give readers a clear idea of what you are talking about. But, I'm sort of confused on the idea of the first poem. Maybe you could add more length to it?

Overall, this is a nice collection of poems, and I hope to see you writing more!

Keep Writing. :)



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Hi,
thanks for the review ^^
I'd love to say the background of thee poems was that exciting :D
They are connected, but they're about heartbreak. I'm trying to funnel my feelings into poems, so they come out pretty abstract



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233 Reviews


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Tue May 14, 2019 10:17 pm
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @LittleTooArrogant I am here to do a reel quick review on your poem. So I think that it was lovely. Every line went well to gather. Also I believe I have some really easy name ideas for both you poems.

Lines I like most

Low lying shines


I found this one really nice for the start of the first poem.

Silent yet loud leaks,


I loved this line for i feel it had bit more description then the other lines.

Suggestion

With and with out the lights,

The lights,

Light of time,

Okay so those were suggestions for the first poem.


Scary yet working,

Working with noises,

Okay so that is all that I have for the second now. So I do hope both are use full for you.

So that is all that I can say. So keep up the good poem writing I hope to here more stuff from you. :D

@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill



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Thank you for the review and the suggestions ^^



Dossereana says...


Your welcome, I do hope it helps you.




Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
— Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham, Questionable Content