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Someday

by 1nspire


I guess that's the thing about loving someone; there comes a day when they realize they're too good for you. There comes a day when they leave and they take a part of you with them and it hurts. Not only that, it kills. And suddenly, the one person you want to talk to becomes one who you can't look at without crying. Your best friend becomes a stranger. 

Your heart aches because the person you thought you'd never lose is gone. What hurts the most is each time you see him there's a split second where you forget; there's moment when you smile and your heart skips a beat. Then you remember. He's not yours. He doesn't want you. You realize that maybe he never did. Your eyes trace his hands, the ones you used to hold, his harms, the ones he used to wrap so tightly around you, his eyes, the ones that always took your breath away. They're not yours. Maybe they belong to another girl. Maybe they don't. Either way, you can't have them. It's over. You have to keep repeating it because otherwise you forget. Otherwise you try to run to him. Otherwise, you don't stop yourself from going straight back. He asked for space and it's tearing you apart. 

Why is it so hard to forget. You're torn because all of your best memories involve him. Every thought that enters your head is of the movies, the laughs, the jokes, the tickling, the baking, the phone calls and the million other memories that used to be your favorite, now tainted with the feeling of heartbreak. It would be easier to forget, but you want to remember. 

He was the best and worst thing that ever happened to you. In a year, he took a girl who had never been with a guy and turned her into a girl who was in love. He gave her hope for the future. He proposed, and even though it was fake, she let herself believe. Then he left her. He left you. As much as you want to move on, you keep going back. There's a part of you that won't let go. That's the part that's killing you; and the part that's keeping you alive. That little bit of hope is slowly tearing you apart. You have to convince yourself that he's not coming back. You have to. But you can't. But you have to.

Everyone tells you that it takes time. It will get better. You hope so. At least he seems happier. It's good to see his smile. It's good to hear his laugh. He looks so happy. You wish you could feel the same, but you can't. Not without him. But he doesn't want you. You need to let go. Stop hoping before it kills you. Or just let it kill you. Maybe that would be better. He wouldn't have to pity you. Your friends wouldn't have to hear the rants. You wouldn't have to cry. But you can't do that either. Deal with the pain. It will get better some day. With or without him, it will get better.


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27 Reviews


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Fri May 17, 2019 6:30 am
Tawsif wrote a review...



Really deep and intricate story. Well done!

The emotions in this story feel very realistic. You can definitely move the readers through the harsh truths and practicalities you've mentioned.

I'll mention the parts that fascinated me most.

'What hurts the most is each time you see him there's a split second where you forget;'

I like the harsh reality this sentence portrays.

'It's over. You have to keep repeating it because otherwise you forget.'

Another line that hit me in the heart.

'That's the part that's killing you; and the part that's keeping you alive.'

I was touched by the paradox here; the hope is killing and keeping you alive at the same time. But right after this sentence, you wrote, 'That little bit of hope is slowly tearing you apart'. Maybe here you could mention how the hope of having him back is keeping you alive. Maybe you could've mentioned 'this is the only reason for you to live now'. That will add more clarity to the story.

'the million other memories that used to be your favorite, no tainted with the feeling of heartbreak.'

A little typo here: the 'no' should be replaced with 'not'.

'You have to. But you can't. But you have to.'

I see what you tried to mean here. But it doesn't read too touchy to me. Maybe you can avoid the last line.

There was another thing that bothered me a little bit. The last paragraph was too hingy with a lot of short sentences. There's a chance that your reader might just go through it very quickly and miss the emotions of the character. I think you should broaden the sentences a bit, or split the para into two. Otherwise it seems just too hasty to me, like a lot of emotional sentences put together as if you were in a hurry writing them.

Overall, a very good work indeed. I really felt this story, and if this is real for you, then I hope you recover from the heartbreak soon.

Keep writing!




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Thu May 16, 2019 1:08 pm
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TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...



Hey, hi, hello!

So, first and foremost, I have to tell you that the subject of this piece is not something I can really relate to. Of the two date-mate's I've had, both of them broke up with me just minutes before I was going to do that very thing (except one, but she had to break up with me, not the other way round, for her own mental stability). That is to say, I've never had my heart broken (and I intend to keep it that way). You could either take all that to mean that I am not the target audience for the piece and therefore any and all critisism I provide should be taken with a grain of salt, or that the fact that this somehow resonated with me anyway proves it to be a truly wonderful and well-written piece.

Whichever way you choose, I'm going to be providing a very nitpicky and potentially harsh review of this piece. I want you to know ahead of time that I really did enjoy it and I by no means think it's bad, I just zero in on details a little too closely for most people's liking.

I'm going to go paragraph-by-paragraph and then give my more general thoughts at the end. So, with no further ado, let us begin.

"I guess that's the thing about loving someone; there comes a day when they realize they're too good for you."

Here's your opening. It's wonderful, no complaints here, but I will say that the begining-in-the-middle-of-a-thought thing has become somewhat overused in writing (especially romance for some reason). My tip here would be to keep this line how it is, but to try to do something different for other works. I don't believe I've read anything else by you, so I can't say that this is a problem you have now, but if it is, you may want to consider doing something else for an opener, if not, perfect! Carry on you funky little romance writer. (Anti-romance)(whatever, you know what I mean).

Moving on to somehting that might actually be problematic in this specific piece, "Not only that, it kills."

Remeber when I said I was nitpicky? Yeah, so this line felt a little clunky to me. Unnecessary. I feel like you got your point across well enough in the lines previous and that this particular bit was less a necessary addition to the work. It feels like a failed attempt at capturing a feeling, to put it more bluntly.

Aside from the emotional impact the that line did or didn't have, the practical impact was a little bit worse. You see, when you put the word "kills" in a work like this, especially so soon after all of the emotional stuff before hand, it implies that someone did -or is going to- die. I went through the remainder of the piece believing that maybe this breakup (or perhaps just the loss of a friend, I don't know, maybe I misread it) lead to the death of some other character somehow, or that the main character was going to kill herself over it or something, which was probabaly not your interntion (if it was though, great job).

Yeah, so, I usually get a lot more nitpicky than this, but not today because I always re-read every piece I internd to review at least two or three times, the first for a general feel (first impressions and the like), the second for more detail, and the third if I feel the need to get even MORE detailed or if I feel like I misunderstood something the first and second times around. The reason I didn't go for a third time this time is that between the first and second readings (which were a few hours apart because I opened this up in the morning, read it on the bus on the way to where I'm about to tell you I went, and then read it again on the way back) I saw Endgame. (To be clear, I still emotionally connected to the piece before I saw it, it was just a whole lot stronger the second time).

I can't tell you more more because the events of that movie are some of the bext/worst kept secrets on the planet and I really don't want to spoil it for you. What I mean to say by all this, though, is that because of what happened in that film, I was left a little (a lot) emotionally unstable I didn't need to be more sad.

Anyway, I hope what I did say was helpful, and that you take my compliments to this work as sincere. Goodbye and happy writing!




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Wed May 15, 2019 3:00 am
FabihaNeera says...



Hello,

This is really well written! I could feel so much emotion conveyed from each sentence while reading through this, and the topic is definitely something that a lot of us experience. To be honest, I assumed that you were talking about loss, as in the death of someone, but then the paragraphs after the first made me realize you were talking about the leaving of a lover. This is also an experience that can deeply affect someone, and your story did a great job of expressing that. I especially like the last paragraph where the sentences are shorter and more succinct to better show the indecisiveness of this person's thoughts.

Though, I think this indecisiveness is also what dragged the story down. This story is pretty lengthy of this person trying to forget "him" then remembering "him" and feeling upset all over again. The ending seems kind of abrupt too in this person suddenly deciding that she had to move on and that it will get better. I feel like this doesn't really tie everything together fully. Maybe you could talk about what happens after... how this person moves on. You either choose to move on or you continue to stay in grief... I would like to clearly see which one this character chooses!

Anyway, that's all from me. The idea of this poem is nicely written and relatable. You are clearly a great and thoughtful writer, so I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing. :)




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Wed May 15, 2019 2:59 am
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is really well written! I could feel so much emotion conveyed from each sentence while reading through this, and the topic is definitely something that a lot of us experience. To be honest, I assumed that you were talking about loss, as in the death of someone, but then the paragraphs after the first made me realize you were talking about the leaving of a lover. This is also an experience that can deeply affect someone, and your story did a great job of expressing that. I especially like the last paragraph where the sentences are shorter and more succinct to better show the indecisiveness of this person's thoughts.

Though, I think this indecisiveness is also what dragged the story down. This story is pretty lengthy of this person trying to forget "him" then remembering "him" and feeling upset all over again. The ending seems kind of abrupt too in this person suddenly deciding that she had to move on and that it will get better. I feel like this doesn't really tie everything together fully. Maybe you could talk about what happens after... how this person moves on. You either choose to move on or you continue to stay in grief... I would like to clearly see which one this character chooses!

Anyway, that's all from me. The idea of this poem is nicely written and relatable. You are clearly a great and thoughtful writer, so I hope to read more of your work!

Keep Writing. :)




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Tue May 14, 2019 5:13 pm
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LordWolf wrote a review...



Hey there 1nspire.

One quick note about this piece is that I think the publishing center might have shifted your formatting a bit? It's pushed off to the side and not really a regular indent, so I'm going to blame that on the YWS formatting issues.

I guess that's the thing about loving someone; there comes a day when they realize they're too good for you. There comes a day when they leave and they take a part of you with them and it hurts. Not only that, it kills. And suddenly, the one person you want to talk to becomes one who you can't look at without crying. Your best friend becomes a stranger.


When I first saw the description on this little story thing, I thought you were talking about losing someone in the context of death. And now, as the reader, I'm seeing that you're talking about the main character losing their best friend. Still a clearly emotional impact on the audience and on the narrator who is quietly ranting about what's going on. This is really just a mournful sort of rant done by the narrator, pressing all of their issues onto the audience, and it doesn't really draw me in.

I have read the entire piece but I wasn't particularly interested in the content that I was reading. There's no clear detail about this story that is bringing the reader's attention to the cause and I don't really care about the narrator. Just looking from this point, they're pining after someone that they lost the friendship of and then we skip down to the next paragraph to see where their complaints stretch.

I really don't care for how most of this exists in the second person point of view, since the narrator is just directing the reader along the way. That's definitely a big point of critique for me. And I think part of that is also coming from the pronouns and the genders that are assigned to the people involved. Any way that you would look at this perspective would be pressure on the reader to think a certain way and it's a slight manipulation.

Let me make this clear: It's a very awkward thing to read through.

Everyone tells you that it takes time. It will get better. You hope so. At least he seems happier. It's good to see his smile. It's good to hear his laugh. He looks so happy. You wish you could feel the same, but you can't. Not without him. But he doesn't want you. You need to let go. Stop hoping before it kills you. Or just let it kill you. Maybe that would be better. He wouldn't have to pity you. Your friends wouldn't have to hear the rants. You wouldn't have to cry. But you can't do that either. Deal with the pain. It will get better some day. With or without him, it will get better.


This last section is continuing in the awkwardness of the previous sections. But it also has specific technical issues that I can point out to show why some of that feeling might happening. The flow here is rather non-existent, and the thoughts are most definitely clashing with the sentence structure. The entire piece seems to be rather stream of conscious and when we get down here it is continuing with the stream of consciousness. But it's not really being represented in the same way as the other sections because we have a lot of stop and go, stop and go structure.

It's hard for me to find specific things to say about this piece because you're obviously trying to make it so emotional. there's supposed to be some level of emotional connection that the reader can connect to because of the odds of a reader being familiar with this situation. But that level of familiarity will only be going so far, and you really need to support it with the writing content.

Narrow down what you want to say.
Determine what you want the audience to get out of this.
And decide on the best way to present the message.

Good luck with your writing.
- Jack





One who sits between two chairs may easily fall down.
— Proverb from Romania and Russia