I guess that's the thing about loving someone; there comes a day when they realize they're too good for you. There comes a day when they leave and they take a part of you with them and it hurts. Not only that, it kills. And suddenly, the one person you want to talk to becomes one who you can't look at without crying. Your best friend becomes a stranger.
Your heart aches because the person you thought you'd never lose is gone. What hurts the most is each time you see him there's a split second where you forget; there's moment when you smile and your heart skips a beat. Then you remember. He's not yours. He doesn't want you. You realize that maybe he never did. Your eyes trace his hands, the ones you used to hold, his harms, the ones he used to wrap so tightly around you, his eyes, the ones that always took your breath away. They're not yours. Maybe they belong to another girl. Maybe they don't. Either way, you can't have them. It's over. You have to keep repeating it because otherwise you forget. Otherwise you try to run to him. Otherwise, you don't stop yourself from going straight back. He asked for space and it's tearing you apart.
Why is it so hard to forget. You're torn because all of your best memories involve him. Every thought that enters your head is of the movies, the laughs, the jokes, the tickling, the baking, the phone calls and the million other memories that used to be your favorite, now tainted with the feeling of heartbreak. It would be easier to forget, but you want to remember.
He was the best and worst thing that ever happened to you. In a year, he took a girl who had never been with a guy and turned her into a girl who was in love. He gave her hope for the future. He proposed, and even though it was fake, she let herself believe. Then he left her. He left you. As much as you want to move on, you keep going back. There's a part of you that won't let go. That's the part that's killing you; and the part that's keeping you alive. That little bit of hope is slowly tearing you apart. You have to convince yourself that he's not coming back. You have to. But you can't. But you have to.
Everyone tells you that it takes time. It will get better. You hope so. At least he seems happier. It's good to see his smile. It's good to hear his laugh. He looks so happy. You wish you could feel the same, but you can't. Not without him. But he doesn't want you. You need to let go. Stop hoping before it kills you. Or just let it kill you. Maybe that would be better. He wouldn't have to pity you. Your friends wouldn't have to hear the rants. You wouldn't have to cry. But you can't do that either. Deal with the pain. It will get better some day. With or without him, it will get better.