Bellarke,
This is a lovely little lighthearted poem. I appreciate the sentiment, and I like that you kept the same lilting tone throughout the piece.
That being said, this poem doesn't really go anywhere. There's the statement at the end that you don't want to grow up. But that's not much of an epiphany. It's safe, in the realm of the rest of the poem. Poetry is epiphany, realization. This is a lovely tone piece, and it's descriptive enough-- you use imagery to move the poem along, but what is the point?
I feel like this is trying to appeal to the ultra-strong nostalgia sensors that people have. It really did tickle mine, especially when you say
The sweet smell of honeysuckles,
and hearing Grandpa's chuckles.
But there's no change, no actual point to the poem. It's a piece of cotton candy, light and airy, without substance.
I feel like this piece has a lot of potential, but it needs to be narrowed down. Focus on a few images and see how you can find what your epiphany about growing up or not growing up is. Good poetry has a realization. I want to see this realization in your style, with all the good feelings that comes along with this. You might argue that the last line represents epiphany, but it doesn't. No one in their right mind would leave all these good things behind.
As for imagery, try using more of the five senses. You have a line about cotton candy, but what does that taste like? What does it feel like on your tongue? Instead of saying "and everything was dandy," perhaps focus a little more on the moment with the sense that you're using. Maybe even forego the rhyme scheme to draft this again, and then add it in when you've got a more sturdy framework.
Overall, I think if you work on this, it'll be really lovely. You've already got some really nice images, so focusing on that part of your talent will yield some nice results! Keep writing!
Points: 29096
Reviews: 862
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