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Soul Keeper Chapters 5-6

by KaiRyu


Chapter 5

Everything was black, like I was sinking into a pool of ink. I was looking around in wonder when a bright light came into view in the corner of my eye. Turning, to see what it was, I gasped in shock. It was my neighborhood, engulfed in flames. Entire houses turned to ashes before me. And my parents, my family. They were swept away by the ashes.

I screamed and shot up in a bed, gulping for air. It wasn’t real, just a dream just a dream… I told myself over and over again in an attempt to calm myself down. My eyes were threatening to water, so I slapped myself to keep the tears from coming. After a few minutes of this, my typical smile stretched across my face.

My face was stiff, it hurt to even achieve my signature smile. My entire body was the same way. I looked around, searching for something familiar in the hospital room. There! In the corner sat Kai, the typewriter in her lap. It was beautifully old and worn from time. My grin, this time, wasn’t fake.

“How did you manage to take it?” I asked in a hushed whisper. “Dad’ll be furious! You know he doesn’t approve of my writing.” Of course I was ecstatic, but it won’t be worth it if I just got in trouble later. Plus, I’d be dragging Kai with me.

Kai just shrugged with a smile. “They haven’t even arrived yet, but when they do, I’ll make sure to hide it somewhere.” That was a relief. Who knew what would happen if he’d found out? He’d probably smash it. Such a waste of a perfectly good, old typewriter.

It was somehow strange, the way the typewriter attracted me. I couldn’t say no; yet I couldn’t say yes. Who knew what worlds there could be? What worlds it’s former owner made? There were endless possibilities and here I was on the brink of it all! It was exciting. It was terrifying. Could I trust myself? No, no… This is me we’re talking about, but it’s call never stopped. It continued to invite me to type, type, type.

“Can I….?” I reached for it. Kai quickly nodded and handed it over. Immediately, the pounding and voices in my head stopped as soon as I ran my fingertips across the smooth keys. It felt alive, no… I felt alive. For the first time in the ten years of my existence, I felt alive. Laughing, I began to type onto nothing. The words made no sense, but it brought me comfort.

The entire world was at the tip of my fingers and nothing could stop me.













Chapter 6

The time spent at the hospital was painful. Not physically, of course, but emotionally. Yes, I get it. I could have died, my brain could be severely altered blah blah blah…. Look, it doesn’t take much to convince me that I’m sooo lucky. Despite the fact I have one friend, almost everyone at school wants to see me suffer, my parents don’t seem to care and I can’t even take off my mask of happiness for one second or else someone close to me will get hurt. Except that, yeah I’m the luckiest person ever.

Honestly sometimes, I would hear them…. Whisper about me. Behind closed doors. I couldn’t see them, yet I knew they were watching me closely. I don’t know how, but I did. To let them know that I knew exactly what they were doing, I would stare straight into the camera. The whispers never stopped, though, never went away. They would grow louder aND LOUDER u-





At least I could drown them out with the sound of my typewriter keys. I still had yet to acquire some paper and ink, but it never ceased to calm me. The never ending click, click, click, click, click, clickkkk…….


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Wed May 15, 2019 12:08 am
fraey wrote a review...



Hello there. I noticed that this work has been in the Green Room for quite a while, so why not finally give you that second review. Fair warning, I haven't read any of the previous parts, so I can't give you any feedback on continuity or development, but I can try to go over a couple of things here.

First, I do appreciate that the dream sequence doesn't start at, say, the first chapter/intro of this story, but I would either want the scene to be longer or, maybe simply referred to in the actual chapter that the main character could share with her sister/someone else. I scrolled through the rest of the story right now to see if there would be any meaning why Kurieta saw a fire of all things, but there wasn't anything from what I saw.

This could be an interesting way of foreshadowing a potential fire, perhaps a literal one involving her home? Although her being so freaked out and frightened, (also worried?) doesn't seem to link too well unless she was more considering her mother and her sister. Her father definitely doesn't treat her right. I'm curious if there are other family members we haven't met yet that she's close with?

Continuing on, I have to say that this doesn't sound like it's coming from a ten-year-old. From just her thoughts and her vocabulary, and the way she and her sister converse doesn't seem too realistic. That's okay though, it's all about getting practice in flowing dialogue between characters.

The structure of this as well throws me off a little as these chapters are a bit too short to really split into two sections. I'd recommend trying to keep writing these scenes or let them be directly connected with each other just to give the overall work a better flow and be literally less choppy. There are also a few cases of the present tense being used instead of the past that this seems to be mainly using.

In addition, I'd really like to learn more about why her peers are treating her so poorly, why her father behaves the way he does, as this story makes me feel sympathetic towards Kurieta, but also a bit in disbelief? A reason, even a simple one, would make this story feel a little more involved with trying to get the reader to understand why all of these things are happening.

Finally, the insertion of the typewriter is an interesting device, and I'm curious to see where this story would go with it. Interesting piece.




KaiRyu says...


Thank you for your thoughts! Don%u2019t worry, even the littlest details have a reason. ;)



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Sun Mar 31, 2019 9:09 pm
Anma wrote a review...



Hello!!

Anma here to review!

Before i get started i just want to say i have not read the first chapters soooo..... ya.

Anyway this is pretty good chapter.

I really enjoyed reading it and you are really creative i can tell by the way you wrote the first paragraph.

There is a few things i did notice though and please don't take them to personaly.

:)


First of all you do seem to have very long sentences so watch out for that.

Also don't get into to much detail!!

Here are some mistakes i found

"Despite the fact I have one friend, almost everyone at school wants to see me suffer, my parents don’t seem to care(,) and I can’t even take off my mask of happiness for one second (,)or else someone close to me will get hurt. Except that, yeah I’m the luckiest person ever.
Also IF YOU MAKE IT SHORTER YOU WONT NEED AS MANY COMAS.

"The entire world was at the tip of my fingers(,) and nothing could stop me.

"Of course(,) I was ecstatic, but it won’t be worth it if I just got in trouble later. Plus, I’d be dragging Kai with me.

"I couldn’t say no(,) yet I couldn’t say yes.

"Everything was black like I was sinking into a pool of ink. No coma

Either than that its pretty good!

Hope to read more from you!

Keep up the good work.

Happy review day!

Sincerely anma





You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda