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Abnromals (Part 4)

by JadeLotus


You know the drill: This is the last one I'm publishing. Honestly, everyone has been so supportive but I might try and get it published. If you review this one I'll send you a copy and let you come to the premier of the movie (LOL I doubt any of that'll happen but, hey, I can dream). I do have more plans for it but it hasn't really taken off like I wanted. So, yeah, I made a huge fight scene for you as a thanks :). Thank you. This isn't the end of their story, though, I promise. It's long and there isn't much romance, but they wanted to go out with a BANG.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN:

As soon as the ball had finished Amethyst loaded the Abnormals onto Wulf and flew back to Uliaria, they had been hiding out in the forest surrounding Hannah's burnt village, Amethyst's old town, and the Heaths' mansion. Hannah and Lottie had been brave enough to venture near, and they saw it was perfectly fine. Lord and Lady Heath were alright as well. Only a bit of the woods burnt before the Guardians stopped it. Turns put they were a bit useful, after all.

At that moment, Guila, Lottie, Hannah, and Phoebe were sat together while Amethyst, Yin, Dayton, and Dane were in another surrounding village looking for lodgings. They had been sleeping in a clearing in the forest for the past two nights.

"I love the color blue, most people think it's masculine but I personally think it's calming," Lottie was saying to Guila. They had a lot of common ground, seeing as they were both Ladies in Disgrace.

'I feel the same way about green!" Guila exclaimed. Hannah couldn't help but chuckle to herself. She was so glad to have her friend back and sometimes she thought this was all a crazy dream. She kind of hoped it was, but part of her wanted it to be real.

Phoebe and Hannah were just sharing awkward looks.  "Uh, why do they call this the Amber Woods?" Phoebe asked quietly. She was staring at a golden Oak leaf.

"Because the Oak leaves are golden year round and they never fall off. Also, because the witches of Amber Society cast a spell over these woods a thousand or so years ago." Hannah said. She looked up and saw it was dusk. She almost sighed, they'd have to sleep in the woods for a third night, she guessed. It was hard to fall asleep with Dane snoring and cold snow everywhere.

"Year round?" Phoebe asked, her orange and black fox ears perked up in interest and her eyes went wide. "These didn't look like evergreens."

"That's magic. You can either love it or hate it, but few people question how it works." Hannah replied. She had spent hours wondering how some people were magic and some weren't. How it started. How it worked. Nobody knew.

Phoebe slowly nodded and bit her bottom lip. She was wearing a thick faux-fur cloak because she said she hated the cold. Probably because she could withstand the heat of fire.

"Are you OK?" asked Hannah quietly. Her breath rose into the air and her legs were numb from the wet snow on the ground. She missed the warmth of Colaria. Before meeting the Abnormals, she had never left Uliaria.It was a very bittersweet experience, being Ame's friend.

"Yes, I'm fine," Phoebe said with a smile. Her eyes had no glint in them, though.

"Really?" Hannah asked, raising a brown eyebrow. 

"Yes, now I'm going to make a fire," she said, it sounded it like she was trying to change the subject, but Hannah wouldn't push. She never pushed.

Phoebe took off the bag that was always on her hip and opened it. She pulled out flint and steel and tied the now-empty bag back around her waist.

"I thought you made fire," Hannah said, confused. She could barely breathe, though. Last time there was a fire in these woods it didn't end well. She was sure approximately everyone in her village was dead thanks to the Enemies.

"Don't listen to Amethyst, she lives to twist words. I can control it. This is the reason I'm on the team," she struck it and a shower of sparks hit her hands.

Phoebe didn't wince or move her, she dropped the flint and steel and let the flames take over her hands. She moved the tiny flame on her right hand to the one on her left, they merged and made one big flame. She sculpted it into a ball with her hands until it was a fireball the shape of a snowball. She held it out for Hannah to look at. 

The flames hadn't burnt her fingers, they bent to it. Phoebe put the fire on her hair and it lapped up her fire-colored hair causing it to ignite, but not burn. She had it completely under control. Her ponytail was ablaze.

Lottie was staring at Phoebe with a look of fear and amazement but Guila looked unfazed. She had known Phoebe for three years, though. Some things get old, Hannah guessed.

Phoebe grabbed the dancing flame and set it onto her uncharred hand and put into her mouth. Hannah saw her swallow then smoke blew profusely out her fox ears for a second and Hannah was sure her stomach was glowing red. Her hair looked perfectly healthy and shiny. Not blackened and hard. Hannah felt her jaw drop and her heart sped up. Wow, was the only thing that was going through her head.

Then everything went still. Hannah and Lottie clapped but Guila rolled her brown eyes and blew her dark hair out of her face.

"About three years ago, I was walking down the streets of Tatum City because I lived there before the war and I heard two Legendaries, a male and female, talking about a girl with the last name Phoenix. 

"That's my last name so I listened and heard them say being part-fox is unnatural and they were planning on capturing me, tying weights to me, and leaving me to sink in a lake in the Reynard Woods." Lottie whistled and Hannah couldn't help but think of her almost-burning.

"I couldn't move. Back in those days I wore proper gowns, not cut-off gowns that are to my thighs. Well, I heard a scream from one of them, the guy, and then silence. Then I heard two thumps. I didn't know what to do, then a woman in a cloak came out of the dark alley, saw me, and asked if I was the girl they were talking about.

"I ran off but she grabbed me and told me the same speech she probably gave you girls. She's the leader of Abnormals and she took on weirdos. I told her to leave me alone and I ran home. She didn't follow. Then the war came to Tatum and we moved to the same town as her. She screamed abuse at me in public until I agreed. Now we're best of friends."

At that moment Lottie got up, ripped of a bare, thick, dark stick with golden highlights. She held it out and pointed it at the three girls. It was about ten inches long.

"I'm Amethyst and I'm amazing and perfect. I get what I want and if you want to mess with me you might as well dig your own hole so it saves me the trouble of digging, hiding you, and covering you up!" Lottie said in a high-pitched voice.

Amethyst, Yin, Dayton, and Dane appeared from a partly-hidden path and Lottie immediately sat down. "Quite right, Charlotte." Amethyst said with a hint of a smile.

She took the branch off of Lottie and giggled. She waved it and a tree burst into flames. Lottie and Hannah screamed in shock and fear but the others just shared an unimpressed look.

Amethyst flicked it and water covered the tree and disappeared as soon as it swallowed the flames. "How did you do that? Where's your wand?" Guila inquired.

"Wood channels magic. That means I could pick up any branch to project my spells. Sometimes I get good vibes and that means that certain wood reacts better with my magic. My old one was broken, but I set the guy who did it on fire and stole his money." Amethyst explained impatiently.

"Now, I found a lady who'd rent out. I gave her the guy's coins and we have a house for a month!" Amethyst said with a triumphant smirk. "We can go now, so follow me. If you don't want to come though, Lottie is doing pretty accurate impressions for your entertainment."

Though it was almost dark, Hannah could see Lottie blushing vividly. Yin giggled slightly and it sounded like bells. Her laugh didn't suit her personality at all. She walked over to Lottie and reached out her arm. Yin usually wore fingerless leather gloves but they weren't on today.

Lottie grabbed her hand and Yin pulled her up. Lottie laced her fingers through Yin's. Hannah saw Phoebe pick up her flint and steel and put it on the black bag on her hip.

Dane tapped Hannah's shoulder and she span around, she could feel her eyes change color but she wasn't sure which. She had a lot of mixed emotions about Dane. He was sweet and confident, but sort of shy at times and a player. But he was adorable, so he had that going for him.

"May I have your arm, My Lady?" he asked with a sly smile. Hannah's heart fluttered a little and she felt a blush coming on. She couldn't help but smile at him.

"Sure," she said, then cursed herself for not thinking of a more creative answer.

He smiled at her and took her arm. Hannah gave Lottie and Yin a What-Do-I-Say look, but Lottie was examining Yin's hand and Yin was looking at Lottie's face with an unreadable expression.

"You have a lot of scars on your fingers," Lottie muttered. Yin pulled her hand away and stuffed them in her pockets of her guy's clothes. She looked down, covering her mismatched eyes with her short, blonde hair. The tip of her nose was pink from the cold.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN:

Lottie was awake even though it was midnight. She was feeling the scar on her neck with tears in her eyes. She hated it. Why did she have to have something that showed she had died. She also missed holding a paintbrush. She liked controlling the picture in her world. Now she couldn't do anything but hope.

The only candle in the room was casting eerie shadows and Lottie's over-creative imagination kept seeing monsters reaching out to grab her. She got up, blew it out, and left the little closet. She walked through the one hallway in the small house. They had been there a week and it already felt cramped.

There were three rooms. Two of them were bedrooms, the girls' and the boys'. The other was a kitchen. Lottie stopped in her tracks when she heard voices outside the little brick house. Her heart started beating faster, she couldn't fight.

"Dragon blood," it cursed. Lottie let out a sigh. It was Amethyst. What was she doing awake?

Lottie stepped outside, the crisp winter air hit her warm face like a refreshing slap. "Hello, Amethyst." she said. Amethyst looked up from the book she was reading and smiled at Lottie a little.

"Did you know in the beginning witches would move the stars. They made them into stories. Then non-magic people came along and renamed them and changed the meaning. The Big Dipper was originally called Lina Hartwo, and she was a witch that fed the world with a spoon and a bowl that would never run out of food. Now, we leave the stars for the stories they are." she said.

"Huh, they didn't teach me that in history." Lottie said, looking up. It was a clear night and stars dotted the sky like bright sprinkles. 

"They pick and choose what they want people to know. they always show just one side. They never show both and let you choose." Amethyst muttered.

"What side are we on? Radix's or October's" Lottie asked.

"None. We make our own choice, we'll protect the innocent and harm the people who try to ruin peace. If the Guardians attack, we'll reply. Same for the Enemies."

"I thought there were only two sides of war," she replied. She rubbed her temples to prevent the oncoming headache that came with talking to Amethyst.

"There are never just two solutions." Amethyst replied with a sigh. Lottie would never say it aloud, but she was so glad Amethyst was on their side. It would be terrifying to fight her.

Amethyst looked into the dark distance and muttered a swear word. She saw a pack of people she guessed were Guardians holding torches and flags. Some were on horses and others were raising swords. They were all dressed in armor and even from a distance, Lottie could see the crazed look in some of their eyes.

Lottie wanted to run, she was shaking and hugging herself, tears sprang to her eyes and her head whirled from a strong sense of deja vu. She was sick of being scared and she wanted to go out there and slap them. But at the same time she wanted to hide under a bed and cry herself to sleep.

Amethyst grabbed Lottie's wrist and ran inside. "WAKE UP! NOW!" she screamed with a hint of panic in her voice. If she was scared, they all should be.

Everyone ran out their rooms. "The Guardians have gotten to us again. HOW IN VOLCANOES DID THEY FIND US?" 

It was a good thing Amethyst had refused to buy clothes. Everyone had one outfit, washed once a week. Nobody answered, but Hannah's eyes went gray, as they did when she was scared.

"Why did we even come back to your town?" Dane asked with a sigh. His hair was sticking up and but he looked alert.

"I'll tell you. Spread over the world are twelve gems. All different colors. That's why the Enemies burnt a village but not a mansion close by the other day. It's rumored to be there somewhere. If you can collect all of them you'll be the most powerful person in humanity. Hannah, your eyes can go twelve colors for your twelve main emotions. I have purple for excitement and orange for stress, but the third, silver for rage is hidden in plain sight. Then the Enemies have four and King Radix has one.

The gems are too powerful to be destroyed in a fire, so I bet it's hidden in the ashes. Queen O would be bragging her butt off if she had another. that's how you were revived, Lottie. One of the gems can bring you back from the dead."

There was a silence, the Lottie decided to take control. She knew the village and her mansion from years of exploring.

"Me, Hannah, Yin, and Dane can run to my mansion to lure the mob away from the village. The rest of you go find that gem. Then we get out of here." she heard herself say. Amethyst nodded and opened the nearest window.

"Leave through the window, and make sure they see you."

CHAPTER SIXTEEN:

Hannah hated Lottie at that moment. They ran through the woods with the mob chasing after them. They shot arrows that missed their bodies by inches. They screamed at them to slow down, like they would obey. They shouted how Abnormals deserved to die a painful death. Hannah could hardly breathe but she pushed herself. She was panting but she didn't dare slow.

She tensed her muscles and tried not to crack her knuckles, those were both her main nervous habits. She wanted to scream into the night and just tear those people to pieces. Those terrible people who didn't even try to understand them. But she was one of them once upon a time. Now, these past few days, she'd grown mentally. She was proud of that.

"Uh, what do we do when we get there?" Yin asked as the stone mansion came into view.

"We climb onto the roof, just follow me," Lottie said, hitching up her skirts further. Hannah's Ivory dress was slowing her down as well, so she followed suit.

Once they reached the top of the Heaths' hill, Lottie grabbed a stone, but her foot in a crack, and started climbing. Hannah followed, rubbing her palms and bare feet so much she was sure they were staining the gray stones red.

Once they reached the top the view was breathtaking. Hannah gulped at the thought of falling off the steep roof of a ten-story mansion. If the landing didn't kill her the Guardians would.

Yin reached into her pockets and pulled out knives. She handed one to each of them. "Just in case," she said.

"You sleep with those in your pockets?" Lottie asked in wonder, looking at the silver blade with excitement. Hannah wouldn't trust Lottie with a knife.

Lottie grabbed her skirt and stabbed it, cutting it so it was frayed and uneven. She did that until her skirt was ripped away and shorter than Phoebe's. The fabric fell off of the building while Hannah watched in shock. She had just realized Lottie was wearing the same outfit as the day they'd met. A green velvet gown with corsets and a now very short skirt.

Behind them, Hannah heard a cough. Lord and Lady Heath were up there, and they looked exactly like their daughter, both red haired and amber eyed. They were wearing pins, a dirty gray jewel was on his chest and an icy-blue was on hers. That was their way of showing their title. They weren't powerful enough for crowns, so they wore lapels.

"Charlotte, come inside and leave this crowd be." Lord Heath boomed in his deep voice, His ginger mustache twitched. 

"No, Daddy. I'm sick of being your puppet," Lottie growled. Her whole body tensed as Lord Heath stormed over and grabbed her arm. She winced from the pain, but he didn't notice.

"We heard you climbing. You're too good to hang out them. I'll have the Guardians come up and push them off. You'll never have to see them again." Lady Heath said. Her voice was softer but it still had an edge to it that said, 'Don't mess with me'.

"No, you always want to me to do better. When I do the best you say I could've done it faster of differently. I hate you." Lottie said. She tried to wiggle out of her father's grip but he started dragging her to a hidden trapdoor. The width of the roof was about five feet before it started slanting. Enough for a little attic door.

They were in their pajamas but the pins were on, glinting in the moonlight. They were dedicated, at the least.

"Charlotte, Prince Winter of Cafestra wants to marry you," Lady Heath said, trying to entice Lottie in vain.

"No," Lottie repeated in a harder voice. Her face was cold as her dad dragged her. She drug her bare heels on the dark shingles to slow him down.

"No?" he asked. Venom seeping into his voice.

"No, if I've learnt anything from my few days as an Abnormal. Going quietly isn't an option. I will fight you until my - or your - last breath. And we both know who'll win," she spat.

He slapped Lottie around her face. From the light of the moon Hannah could see a pink mark and tears in her eyes. She lifted the knife, stabbed him in the forehead, grabbed his chest, unhooked his pin, then letting him fall to the ground, blood billowing behind him.

She quickly clipped the pin to herself and smiled a sad yet kind of happy smile. "You power-hungry demon," her Mom spat. Her chest was heaving.

"Mom, I don't want to hurt you. Go downstairs, you were never here. Dad was here alone." Lottie said, trying to protect her mother from being an outcast.

"NO!" she screamed. She looked like an older version of Lottie, with longer red hair and a bit taller. She ran up to Dane and pushed him, he almost fell off the edge.

Lottie grabbed her Mom's tiny wrists so she couldn't fight Lottie as she unhooked her pin and pushed her off.

Lady Heath's scream was deafening as she fell. Lottie unhooked her father's pin and put her mother's there instead. She handed the other pin to Yin. "Put it on," she said, a glint of steel in her eyes. To no surprise, Yin obeyed, her scarred hands shaking.

"Since my sister disowned us, I am heir to the Heath wealth. As you all as my witnesses I'm now Lady Charlotte Heath of Uliaria and ruler of the surrounding villages and towns." Lottie said with a smile on her face. She had changed so much since Hannah had met her.

"What's your first order, Lady Heath?" Hannah asked as they mocked bowed to her.

"Burn the Heath mansion to the ground. I'm coming for Radix's palace and crown. We aren't leaving this place until we've made a whole chapter of history you can't gloss over."

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN:

Phoebe, Guila, Dayton, and Amethyst were running through charred streets of debris and ash. People thought Guila was a wet cloth, but she lived for adventure like this. Midnight raids in a burnt village.

"Guila, we're going to see if the others are alive. Lottie's probably scared out of her mind, hoping they don't kill her precious family." Amethyst said with a proud smirk.

They took off with Ame in the lead. Guila had been in the group for two and a half years, she thought to herself as they ran.

Never had they had a mission this big. It was always little things like, get the milk without dying. Finally something real.

Guila was a quiet person, but she wasn't shy. She was observant. And she could run circles around you, mentally, and physically, if she wanted. She was quite good with her mind games.

She stopped in her tracks, a mansion was burning, the orange flames lapping up the huge building. Phoebe whistled, she looked quite at home.

"I left them alone for twenty minutes," muttered Amethyst to nobody in particular.

"God, they're on that balcony with Rula and October." Phoebe shouted, as they ran into the smoke and Guila saw a tree that was close to a well-covered balcony. She grabbed Amethyst's arm and steered her to it.

"Climb," she commanded. For once, Ame followed directions. They shuffled up there and Ame grabbed Queen October by the hair and put her wand to the Queen's head.

The woods that shaded the balcony hadn't caught yet. What was the point of having a balcony if there were just trees surrounding it, obscuring the view?

Rula mimicked Ame's move. Except with Lottie and a gun. Lottie whimpered in fear. "Don't kill your sister," Guila heard herself say. Lottie had lied to everyone, saying Rula had ran away to become a Guardian but she had really left to be Prime Minister of the Enemies. The ultimate shame for Radix and the Heaths.

Lottie was shaking and sweating. It was just Guila, Lottie, Amethyst, Rula, and October. "I would. Lottie's blood but the Abnormal's Leader's expression would be priceless." She pushed the barrel of the gun to Lottie's red-head and smiled an evil, twisted smile.

October had curly, black hair with white highlights, a crown full of red rubies and blue sapphires, and blood red lips.

"I'll kill October," hissed Ame.

"Then I'll be the next Queen. October has no family. She entrusted that honor to me so I guess that was the big mistake. She lost my loyalty and her power because of her sentimental feelings." Rula said with a wink of her green eyes. She had red hair a little darker and shorter than Lottie's and she was taller, but they could pass off as twins.

At that moment, there was a bang, and Rula fell back, blood splattered Lottie, and Yin hopped out of the tree branches and onto the balcony holding a gun.

"I stole this from some Epic and then I saw Lottie was in trouble," she said with a childish smile. She had a pin on her that were reserved for Lords. Guila glanced at Lottie's chest and saw she was wearing a lapel as well. Guila was missing something.

"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME INSTEAD!" Lottie screamed.

"I had to do that or you'd die," Yin muttered, handing the gun to Guila, who shot it at some dude who was trying to climb the tree to get to the. She hit him in the chest, he dropped to the ground and suffocated on his own blood.

Amethyst took the crown off of October's head, threw it to Lottie, who put it on, and killed October with a swish of her wand. October's head caved in and she flopped helplessly on the floor. Amethyst stepped on her so she'd stop thrashing.

"Lottie, as sister and closest living relative to the dead heir of Colaria, that crown is probably yours. I'll take that pin from you." Ame said.

"Why do you want it?" Lottie asked as she unhooked and put the crown on her head.

"It's the silver gem. Hidden in plain sight." Ame replied with a twinkle in her icy eyes. "And Yin, yours is the blue gem of irritation. Give it."

"Isn't rage the same as irritation?" Phoebe asked as she climbed onto the balcony.

"Not at all," Ame replied. "Now we have to check Radix's crown for gems. There aren't any in October's crown. I looked."

"So, we're fighting both sides?" Hannah asked as she climbed onto the balcony. Guila had completely forgotten to patrol it. But sh gave Hannah credit for not freaking out over all the dead bodies. The Abnormals definitely changed people.

"I'm Queen Charlotte of Colaria." Lottie yelled into the dark air. It was already sunrise.

"How did this place catch fire?" Guila asked suspiciously.

"I set it ablaze," Dane said as he hopped up to the balcony. "The fire will be here any second, let's go."

"Where? To Radix?" asked Yin, brushing her hair out of her sweating face. Though it was winter, the fire was hot.

"Wherever we want. We'll get to Radix in a few days. It's impolite to storm a castle without any notice." Amethyst replied with a wink.

"Are we even going to ask what happened?" muttered Guila.

"Lottie killed her parents and then set fire to this place." briefed Dane.

"Well, I'll summon Wulf." Amethyst said. She lifted her palm and whistled. A second later Wulf landed on the ground. People made a path for the green beast.

Ame jumped off of the balcony and onto Wulf. Hannah and the others followed, a mix of fear and happiness crossed her. She was with the people who understood her.

They were the Abnormals. They could do anything. No matter what, they'd get out of it. Wulf took up and Hannah looked down. People were staring at them as the flames took over everything. This was amazing and haunting.

"Now, we have to find who ratted us out," Amethyst said to everyone with a look of steel on her face. "We're the Abnormals and nobody will ever get away with hurting us."

END: Thank you for reading! Let me know how I pulled the end off and I hoped you enjoyed it!


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Tue May 21, 2019 2:58 pm
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Liberty500 wrote a review...



Wowwie! That was some ending (Good, I mean)!! It’s so good! Literally, a shiver of excitement went up my spine when I read that last part. There should be a series for this! There should be a vote. You must make a second part! Just kidding, it’s your choice. :D Oh my, lemme start formally.

~

Wesh, Jade!

Hope you’re doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review, just like you requested. Let's get right into it, now, shall we?

1.

Turns put they were a bit useful, after all.


‘Put’ or ‘out’? Small mistake, no biggie.

2.
At that moment, Guila, Lottie, Hannah, and Phoebe were sat together while


The tenses problem. What do you think sounds better? ‘Were sat together’ or were ‘were sitting together’? I’m pretty sure the second one sounds right. :)

3.
"What side are we on? Radix's or October's" Lottie asked.


Remember, whenever you finish a dialogue never forget to give it a punctuation mark at the end.

4.
His hair was sticking up and but he looked alert.


I don’t think the bold word is very necessary here. Actually, it isn’t at all.

5.
that's how you were revived, Lottie.


Capitalization alert! On the bold word.

6.
There was a silence, the Lottie decided to take control.


‘The’ or ‘then’? You probably forgot to add the ‘n’. :P

7.
Lord Heath boomed in his deep voice, His ginger mustache twitched.


Un-Capitalize alert! On the bold word.

8.
”When I do the best you say I could've done it faster of differently.


‘Of’ or ‘or’? This mistake was probably done because you were typing so fast? I don’t know, just doing my job!

9.
She drug her bare heels on the dark shingles to slow him down.


‘Drug’ or ‘dug’?

10.
Yin muttered, handing the gun to Guila, who shot it at some dude who was trying to climb the tree to get to the.


To get to the what? You left your sentence incomplete here! Where was this dude going?

11.
But sh gave Hannah credit for not freaking out over all the dead bodies.


Don’t forget the ‘e’ in the bold word. <3

That’s it. I know I pointed out really teeny weeny mistakes, forgive me. I do that to everyone. Ask anyone I’ve given a review to. And, if you found anything harsh, tell me so I can fix myself!! Usually when I do/say something harsh, people don’t even tell me. I need to fix myself, bro, I’m a human!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




JadeLotus says...


LOL! Glad you liekd the ending :) that one is just temporary while I add more to the book (It's gonna be like 40 or more chapters XD). ANyways, I love your reviews (they aren't harsh, you point the stuff out in a comedic way. Honestly, the where are you going, dude? Part made me laugh!) Thank you again for the review. I appreciate it :)



JadeLotus says...


Sooooo, when I have the full book I'll tell you so you can see EVRYTHING *wicked laugh* XD



Liberty500 says...


:D Anytime! :D



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Wed May 15, 2019 8:35 pm
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fraey wrote a review...



Hey there. I noticed that this work has been in the Green Room for a long while, so I figured I would stop by and try to give you some feedback on this. I actually read I think part two of this, but that was quite a while ago, so I'm not sure how much I actually remember from the rest of this story. I'll give it a shot.

From what I had said in the first review, I had some concern with how all of these characters are presented and behave. The reason being is that I'm not quite sure of the ages these people are at, I view them more kids, tweens, even with all of the crazy things going on, with Amethyst acting a little bit older. I would very much like a specific age all of them are meant to be since they seem to act a lot more childish than one could possibly be as a teenager. Some things in here hint that they may be older, as Hannah taking interest in a male character or Lottie's parents wanting to marry her off. If so, I recommend trying to make them sound more mature, having a more extensive vocabulary, perhaps, or simply by letting them expand more on stuff even just in their mind pertaining to who's the main view per each chapter.

Continuing on, I see that Lottie is alive, which is a significant change since the second part of this I read, as that had her death as a major event in Hannah's life. Interesting. I will assume that means she has powers of her own of some kind, perhaps that she can come back to life if she was ever in grave danger. I can understand that if the younger characters are the focus of the plot, sometimes the adults around can be less developed, but I'd like a more in-depth look to what's going on with Lottie and her parents. Deciding to marry off your "missing" daughter (I say that because she seemed to spend plenty of time with the Abnormals rather than in the actual castle) and then threatening her companions don't seem like very smart ideas at all, especially from an apparently-high-status family.

One last note would be that I recommend you read through this again and try to see areas you could change your writing style. For example, the use of short sentences versus more complex ones.

Hannah hated Lottie at that moment. They ran through the woods with the mob chasing after them. They shot arrows that missed their bodies by inches. They screamed at them to slow down, like they would obey. They shouted how Abnormals deserved to die a painful death. Hannah could hardly breathe but she pushed herself. She was panting but she didn't dare slow.


In this scene, Hannah and Lottie are running for their lives, yes. It's very choppy reading here though, since every sentence is around the same length as the others, and it doesn't have much flow to let the reader really fall into their panicked states if that makes sense. This is just one form of being able to edit your work, however. Plenty more could be trying to find less repetitive words or unique ways of allowing your reader to learn more about your fantasy world.

Hope this helped. ^^




JadeLotus says...


Hey! Thank you, this did help. Though, a lot of things you assumed (ages, Lottie's parents, their personalities) are more tied in... If that makes sense. Also, I reread through this a few days ago and I saw that they all have mental ages of 12 year olds. I'm reworking it in my new draft to make them seem more mature.

I thank you for the review. I can't say I'l do everything you recommend, but I appreciate the help



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Sun Apr 07, 2019 2:34 pm
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OofOof1 says...



Hey, if you are trying to get this published try Wattpad. All you have to do is submit all your things in separate chapters and maybe you'll either get the book published or make the book into a movie. My friend wrote a book and it turned out as a movie called After and it's just now a movie coming on April 12th. I can't wait to see it.




JadeLotus says...


Thank you!



JadeLotus says...


That sounds awesome, btw! I googled the movie and I'm legit in shock!!!



OofOof1 says...


I can't wait to see it.



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Mon Apr 01, 2019 1:17 am
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Honora says...



Sorry this is so late! I'm just gonna say AMAZING! I am 100% sad that you aren't writing more. :( if you ever decide to pick it up again, definitely tag me!!
Your friend,
Honora




JadeLotus says...


Thank you!



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Sun Mar 24, 2019 4:32 am
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Sivershade797 says...



AWESOME WORK! This story is amazing :)




JadeLotus says...


Thank you so much!



JadeLotus says...


Can I ask your favorite pat and character and have you seen any other parts? :)





I actually don't know because the whole thing is awesome!!



JadeLotus says...


Lo,l thanks :) let me know if I can review anything by you





oh actually I just published a chapter called "Wait For Me - Chapter 1 (Never Came Back)". I'm not really sure where to go with it, so could you give it a review? Thanks!



JadeLotus says...


Sure, I'll open it up and give it one as soon as I have the time ;)





Thanks!! :D



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Sat Mar 23, 2019 11:03 pm
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Anma wrote a review...



Hey Jade!
my long lost sister, lol

Omg!I love it!

I fell in love with this story from the time i read chapter one.
I knew it was going to be a great story.

I really hope you can get it published! and good luck.

The ending was great, it was like a black whole sucking me in.
Its amazing!

Here are some recommendations, and basic grammar and punctuation errors.

1.Basic word mistake
'Turns out they were a bit useful, after all.

2. Punctuation
"I love the color blue, most people think it's masculine, but I personally think it's calming."

3.Punctuation
'She had spent hours wondering how some people were magic, and some weren't.

4. Punctuation
'Her breath rose into the air, and her legs were numb from the wet snow on the ground.

' This is the reason I'm on the team," she struck it, and a shower of sparks hit her hands.

'Phoebe put the fire on her hair, and it lapped up her fire-colored hair causing it to ignite, but not burn.

'Lottie was staring at Phoebe with a look of fear and amazement, but Guila looked unfazed.
' Hannah and Lottie clapped, but Guila rolled her brown eyes and blew her dark hair out of her face.

'"That's my last name, so I listened and heard them say being part-fox is unnatural, and they were planning on capturing me, tying weights to me, and leaving me to sink in a lake in the Reynard Woods."

'Lottie whistled, and Hannah couldn't help but think of her almost-burning.

"I ran off, but she grabbed me and told me the same speech she probably gave you girls. She's the leader of Abnormals, and she took on weirdos. I told her to leave me alone, and I ran home. She didn't follow. Then the war came to Tatum, and we moved to the same town as her. She screamed abuse at me in public until I agreed. Now we're the best of friends."

"I'm Amethyst, and I'm amazing and perfect. I get what I want, and if you want to mess with me you might as well dig your own hole, so it saves me the trouble of digging, hiding you, and covering you up!" Lottie said in a high-pitched voice.

5.New sentence
left Uliaria. It was

6.Repeated word
'She ran the tiny spark on her right hand to the one on her left, they merged and made one big flame.

7.Wording
'Phoebe grabbed the dancing flame and set it onto her uncharred hand and put it into her mouth.

'At that moment Lottie got up, ripped off a bare, thick, dark stick with golden highlights.

8. Wording, and punctuation
'Back in those days, I wore proper gowns, not cut-off one's that are to my thighs.

There's more but you can probably find them
Fyi you don't have to do these things if you don't want to.

I just want to help so that you can get it published!
Either than that its great! Keep it up!

Your friend Anma




JadeLotus says...


Thanks! What was your fave part?



Anma says...


Honestly i can't decide! its to hard! but i can say that you caught my attention when you brought up the gems. Lol




Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology