Young Writers Society

Hi Joe!

This is great! I just have a few suggestions that i hope will help! I think that in the first line, you might want to change it to something like "When the mourning was done." to make it a bit smoother. When you get to the (???), I'm assuming that you couldn't think of lines....?

How's this as a sort of guideline / suggestion:

He/She/They burned ever bright
And was seen from afar.

And maybe you could say "For Something had left us." to make the syllables a bit more even.

In the last stanza, the last two lines aren't very even either, maybe you could change it to something like:

"In time it'll glow and then,
Burn out, one day, too."

It's not perfect, but it might be closer to the 6-6-6-6 pattern. Keep writing, though! This poem is awesome!

~Sivershade797

Hi JoeBookMan, I hope I can offer some constructive feedback.

"When the grieving’d been done
we went home, but not whole
We’d lost something precious,
something loved, something full"
- a strong opening. in particular, i like the slant rhyme of "whole" and "full"

"In a time before times,
like a small ancient star
(???)"
- the question marks here threw me off a little. was this deliberate? lending to the mystery of what was to the "time before times" or at least that's how i read it.

"In the days before ends"
- I suggest: "In the days before the end"

"Something had left us
that would not be again"
- suggestion: "Something had left us/that would not return again"

There's inconsistency with some of the formatting, grammar, and punctuation. In the first stanza you capitalized the first word of the third line, and same with the second to last stanza, while the rest of the lines were lowercase. To me, this doesn't seem deliberate or purposeful. I could be wrong, but that's how it read to me.

Good poem. Sad, but very visual. Thank you for sharing!

Hello there JoeBookman

This is Kostia. I will be giving you a short review and my honnest opinion on your poem today!

I will start by saying I really liked the atmosphere of this poem. However I have some suggestions you might want to consider when editing this!

Lets get to it!

I will start with some general observations/comments.

Vocabulary/phrasing

I really liked your choice of wording in this poem. It was simple yet deep, both emotional and clever there are very few parts I would personaly change (I will get to them later on) Overall well done, easy to read and to relate to.

Structure:

Your stanzas are well put, seperated acoording to content. Good job here!
The poem is written in a free verse style which is lovely. Usually when I read a free verse poem and I detect some random rhyming I advice people to change the wording. Like your poem rhymed in some parts eg:

"we went home, but not whole"

However in this case I wouldn't suggest a change it is beautifly put and it didn't bother me at all. So well done!

Analysis

For the first stanza I have nothing to note. I truely loved it. It really sets the mood and engages the reader's interest and feelings instantly.

The only thing I might change was:

"When the grieving’d been done" I think "grieving’d" doesn't sound right. What about "grieving’s" (I really wouldn't know for sure since I am not a native speaker)

The second stanza

"In a time before times,
like a small ancient star
(???)"

I noticed your question marks so I bet you too are confused with this. However I get what you were trying to do here. I think by rephrasing this a little and maybe add another verse to make it more relevant, it will be just fine. May I suggest a quote by T.S Eliot which may inspire you when editing this?

"Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place"

It is from the poem Ash Wensday, I recomend you to read it. It always inspires me! I have posted it on my profile page, feel free to check it out!

The 3rd stanza

"In the days before ends
it glowed brightly and swelled
and then, like a nova,
the light burned out and fell"

The only thing I would suggest you to alter a bit here is the first verse:
"In the days before ends"
There are no major issues with it but I believe you can do better than that, I wouldn't note it if I didn't.

The 4th stanza

Nothing to note here evrething is just fine. Thumbs up!

The 5th stanza

"What we build will be bright
and hopeful and new, but
in time it’ll glow and then,

burn out, too."

So I really liked how you closed up. Maybe it even was my favorite part. However may I suggest something?

Maybe I would put it like that

"in time it’ll glow bright, (there is room for a metaphor here if you re interested)

Before it burns out, too."

Whatever you like better. It is lovely as it is I just wanted to make a suggestion in case you liked it.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this! It was a great poem! If you end up editing this feel free to tag me I would love to check it out!

Keep writing!
Best regards
Kostia