Young Writers Society

This is a really nicely written poem! I like the writing style, imagery, poetic devices, everything! The way you even formatted the text on the page adds the effect in that the last stanza sort of ties everything together - being in the center. I just love the way you described all of these factors... I could really feel the emotions of this poem by reading it. It's great that the main sense you incorporated into this poem was taste, and I could really understand that too!

I would maybe suggest capitalizing your lines at the beginning of each "flavor".

Keep writing!

Hello!

So I'm not much of a poet. Take what I say with that in mind.

But I absolutely adored this. I really, really love your imagery in this piece. It visualizes your message so clearly, I couldn't help but agree with it. It's very thought-provoking. I would end up comparing it to personal experiences and be like yes. yes that's what it's like.

I also loved the structure in this piece. It is clearly a piece describing polar opposites, and the formatting forces the reader's mental voice to just flip with the tone and theme they're reading. It works so smoothly, in the sense that the tone change is sharp and sudden. It just really works.

Really neat too that it starts out with negative on the left with positive on the right, then goes into positive on the right and negative on the left. Like it keeps me in that happy mood for just a little longer before it pulls me away into a sense of sadness and anger.

But that leads in so well with the final verse, because victory is just so sweet after such a hard time as betrayal.

I feel like maybe the imagery in war could be a big stronger. I like how it started, but it kind of petered out for me after the shackled hand line. I can see where it's going, but I (probably shouldn't) compare it to betrayal, and I'm like... tasting raw vanilla rivals the shackled hand for me, and being shackled should feel worse (though raw vanilla DOES taste awful omg).

The last verse also seemed a bit weak in the middle where the reader is lifting the weight of their winnings off their shoulders. Again, I see where it's going. Maybe it just feels drawn out to me? Compared to the rest of the piece, there's just that occasional ~three lines that just seems to draw out a single thought a bit too long. It's probably just me though. Maybe something to think about!

I generally don't have much constructive things to say though 'cause I really just enjoyed this piece and wanted you to know that.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi starchaser, I hope I can offer some constructive feedback on this poem.

From first glance, the formatting looks really interesting.

H[code]war:

it tastes like the coppery rush you get

when you bite your lip a bit too hard[code]
-cut "a bit" and just leave it at "when you bite your lip too hard"

H[code]clutching your platinum-shackled hand in pain[code]
-cut "in pain"

H[code] you know that it shall sting

at least for a while[code]
-my suggestion: "you know that it'll sting for a while"

H[code]and there is no other choice

but to fight through it[code]
-to me, this first stanza stands strong without these two lines.

H[code]peace:

it tastes like cold

clean water

pearls

the soft spring breezes

running across your silk-clad skin

sunlight finally pouring in

after years of bitter winter[code]
- I really liked this stanza. It's more melodic and flows more smoothly than the first.

H[code]love:

it tastes like fresh pastries

and raspberry jam

rubies and topazes

being cocooned in blankets

watching the fire crackle

eyes shining

the warmth making your heart swell[code]
-reading once through this stanza, I think beginning the first line with "it tastes like" is inconsistent with the rest of it. maybe just start with "fresh pastries" I also think cutting "eyes shining" and "the warmth making your heart smell" would make it stronger, as these are kind of overused images.

H[code]betrayal:

it tastes like raw vanilla

you were told one thing

only to receive another

dark glares and snake scales

marble tile and bronze rings

hoping that when they raise their glass

toasting in celebration

it slips out of their hand

and shatters to the floors [code]
-This is really cool, evocative and visual. The comparison with "raw vanilla" is intriguing. Giving me Slytherin vibes here.

H[code]victory:

it tastes like sweet honey

draped across your lips

the cold moment

when riches are being draped upon your neck

you reach up

to make yourself more comfortable

take off the weight of your fortune

and then you remind yourself

you deserve this

there is a reason why you’re being clothed in the finest robes

the most expensive jewels[code]
Love this!

Cool piece. Super sensory and visual! I love how each stanza can stand strong on its own. Thanks for sharing!

This is really beautiful and so true in everything you have said.