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E - Everyone

Chapter 1

by Munozutoo2122


Meadow

April 19, 2019

remember the way the doctors told me that my mother was never coming home. How cruel they seemed when I was 6 years old because they seemed so serious and even though they said they were sorry they didn’t look sorry. I remembered having to go to my aunt's because my so-called father left me. I also remember the way kids would sneer at me when I refused to make anything for mother’s day or father’s day because the truth was, no one knew and I refused to let anyone know. I often felt like I was alone in the world and the only person who understood me was my best friend since kindergarten Rye Manchester. See his father had Bronchial Adenoma just like my mom yet unlike my mother his father got well but was never the same

Today marks the 12 year anniversary of my mother’s death and here I was at her tombstone crying for her. I remember how I painted beautiful lavender roses on her tombstone. I remember the way my mother's hospital room still smelled like her honeysuckles sent even after she died. I remember my mother had always told me she hated the plain beige color of her room and how she would constantly ask for them to move her. My mother and I did everything together and when she died I refused to continue my career in singing and dancing because it reminded me to much of my mother.

“Hey your dad told me you’d be here”, Rye said as I looked at him through my tear filled eyes. Rye was attractive in a geeky kind of way. He had brown curly hair smoothed back with green hazel eyes. He could be considered my brother because both of us had moonlight pale skin.

“Yeah I was um…..Ya know just visiting. What’s going on”, I said as I got up and turned to Rye wiping my eyes.

“Well I got us an opportunity to do some research. The hospital is offering positions to go and volunteer helping make the patients happy. And I was wondering if you want to come”.

“Yeah sure let me just let my aunt know”, I said as I called my aunt. Aunt Jackie had lived in Manhattan, New York her whole life and when she found out my father left me she decided to make me move in and she made it a big dream that I become a doctor. I never wanted to become a doctor but to please her I do it.

“Hey um is it okay if me and Rye volunteer at the hospital”, I said

“Yes of course just be home by 10:00 okay love you”, Aunt Jackie said as I murmured love you too before hanging up.

I go to Rye and nod following him to our cars. I get in mine and turn on the radio when Andy Grammer’s song “Don’t Give up on me” comes on. I listen to the lyrics before immediately sobbing again.

I'm not givin' up

I'm not givin' up, givin' up

No, not me

Even when nobody else believes

I'm not goin' down that easily

So don't give up on me

And I will hold

I'll hold onto you

No matter what this world'll throw

It won't shake me loose

I'll reach my hands out in the dark

And wait for yours to interlock

I'll wait for you

I'll wait for you

I then decide to turn off the radio refusing to listen to anything that reminded me of my mom. This was the song I had sung to her 2 days before she had died. We finally arrived at the hospital where I parked and fixed my appearance. I rubbed some lip gloss and wiped my eyes with a tissue. I got out of the car and let Rye fix my short black curly hair before swatting him away.

“Its fine”, I growled as he laughed and led me inside the hospital. It was then I realized this was the same hospital my mother died in. I stop before continuing trying not to cry. I pass by some patients who look at us curiously before a tall beautiful African American woman with beautiful chocolate brown eyes approaches us.

“You must be our volunteers please go ahead and look around. I’m Doctor Burns by the way” Doctor Burns said as I noticed a room that had 5 different patients coughing persistently. One of them looked to be only 6 years old. I turn to Doctor Burns and noticed that Rye was across the hall.

“Who are they”, I asked pointing the 5 patients.

“Oh those are the only patients who have bronchial adenoma, you may go in there if you like”, Doctor Burn said as I nod and go inside the white room. Doctor Burns follows me telling me who is who and I nod listening attentively until I trip over something. I almost fall to the ground on my face but someone catches me.

“Oh why thank”-

I stop because of the person who rescued me. It was a boy who looked about my age. He had beautiful gray eyes with curly dark brown hair. He had beautiful olive skin and lips that were as pink as a baby’s bottom. I stared in awe at the boy. Even if he was a little skinny and looked a little tired he still was beautiful.

“No problem”, he said letting me go and walking away sitting down by a brunette girl.

“Who’s that”, I asked Doctor Burn.

“That’s Hayes Moreno, 19 years old and the most stubborn bronchial adenoma patient I have ever had”.

“What do you mean?”

“He refuses treatment and because of that it seems like he only has 10 months to live. Maybe you can help him”, Doctor Burn said as I look at her and then Hayes who is staring at me intently. I nod and blush furiously before walking to Hayes who smirk as I take seat next to him.

“So what did the Doc tell ya “, Hayes said as I noticed the hoarseness in his voice.

“She told me you don’t take your treatments and that’s why you only have 10 months to live. I know this must be hard on you”, I said as Hayes snorted.

“Oh yeah and why is that”, Hayes said as I looked at him.

“My mother died from bronchial cancer”, I said as his expression changed.

“Oh I am sorry for your loss. Um is that why you decided to volunteer”.

“Oh um no my best friend wanted me to come because he felt like it would help me. My aunt wants me to become a doctor but I want to be a singer and dancer ya know”, I said as he smiled.

“Oh wow, well first of all I have to ask what your name is.”

“Meadow, Meadow Alvarez”, I said as he nodded and held out his hand which I shook.

“Nice to meet you Meadow I’m Hayes Moreno”, Hayes said as I nod.

“Hayes it’s time”, Doctor Burn said as Hayes nodded.

“Well it’s time for them to give me more gruesome news on how if I don’t do treatments I’ll die, but hey I have nothing to live for anyway. Well maybe except for having this 1 time conversation with you”, Hayes said walking away.

“Wait! What if we make a deal. I come and visit you every day if you promise to start doing your treatments”, I said as Hayes looks at me surprised.

“Well?”

“Okay Mrs. Alvarez I accept your deal. See ya tomorrow then”, Hayes said walking out of the room before collapsing into a wheel chair. I wince but smile as he turns and winks at me. I don’t know why but I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. I get up happily and walk out to find Rye so I could tell him about my day. I found him talking to a pretty nurse and smirked. I let him stay and headed to my car before texting him.

ChildofMeadows: Hey I left since you were too busy with a lady. I didn’t want to stay that long.

BestfriendRye: Oh! So um you saw that………..hehe…….How was your visits

Childofmeadows: Amazing! Call me when you get home

BestfriendRye: kk

I closed my phone and began to drive home a smile on my face the whole way home. I opened the door to my aunt’s house and called out to her. She came out and hugged me tightly.

“Well your home early”, Aunt Jackie said

“Yeah I’m actually going to start heading to the hospital every single day after school I guess”.

“Oh really? That’s amazing! Are you helping someone?”

“Yeah I’m actually helping a patient with bronchial cancer”, I said as Aunt Jackie smiled.

“Your mother would be proud that you chose to do this instead of dancing or singing”, Aunt Jackie said as I choked back a sob. My mother loved that I would sing and dance. She said that I could be really big someday and she hated the thought of me in those ugly doctor uniforms.

“I’m going to lay down”, I said retreating to my room. I closed the door and called Rye. I told him all about Hayes and the deal we made.

“Man it seems like this guy has it hard for you”, Rye said as I laughed

“No he doesn’t Rye quit being weird”.

“Well hey I’ll come over to your house tomorrow so we can discuss what you’re going to wear, I got to go but see you tomorrow”.

“Okay bye”, I said hanging up and falling onto my bed. I smiled widely and touched the locket my mother had given to me a month before she died. It was a heart locket with red garnet jewels around the rims. Inside was a picture of me and her at my 3rd birthday party where she had bought me brand new dancing shoes. My father was never around much when I was young and well now he isn’t around at all. I get ready for bed and lie down on my bed anticipating tomorrow. 


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User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 19

Donate
Mon Apr 15, 2019 5:58 pm
itsCate wrote a review...



Hello, Cate here.
I am reviewing your amazing chapter.

So you have a ton of run on sentences. I know that others have told you that but that is something you really need to focus on. I think the over all story is good, you do a good job at keeping a space between characters. :)

"“So what did the Doc tell ya “, Hayes said as I noticed the hoarseness in his voice."

You messed up with the comma on that one. It should be before not after. The story is good, I love Hayes. Maybe that's just because I am obsessed with Magcon. :)

Keep Writing!
~C




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14 Reviews


Points: 221
Reviews: 14

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Fri Mar 29, 2019 4:52 pm
Miraculor77 wrote a review...



Hi! Mira here (again).

I'm just going to get into the critiques right away.

You use a lot of run-on sentences and sometimes forget to use punctuation.

Paragraph 1:

I remembered having to go to my aunts because my so called father left me.


Here, "aunts" should have an apostrophe in it, so it would be "aunt's." Also, "so called" should have a dash in it, so it would be "so-called."

I also remember the way kids would sneer at me when I refused to make anything for mother’s day or father’s day because the truth was no one knew and I refused to let anyone know. I often felt like I was alone in the world and the only person who understood me was my best friend since kindergarten Rye Manchester.


Here the first sentence feels run-on, to make it easier to read you should add a comma after the phrase "the truth was," so it would be "... because the truth was, no one knew and I refused to let anyone know."
There are more sentences like this, but I think you should be able to find them on your own.

Paragraph 2:
Anyway today marks the 12 year anniversary of my mother’s death and here I was at her tombstone crying for her.

The word "anyway" makes the reader feel that Meadow doesn't really care about the anniversary, but then saying that she was crying makes the sentence contradictory. Taking "anyway" out would make the sentence seem more serious.

You should also add more setting details to make the reader see the scene better. What kind of tombstone. How did the hospital smell? What color is her room? etc.
I think the rest of it goes pretty smoothly but you should still read it through just in case.
Also:
“Okay Mrs. Moreno I accept your deal. See ya tomorrow then”, Hayes said walking out of the room before collapsing into a wheel chair.


Wheelchair is one word. There's space between wheel and chair.
And did he just call Meadow by his last name? Or was it supposed to be "Alvarez?"


All in all, I really love the idea and concept. Do tag me if you make Chapter 2!
(and sorry if I sounded like a jerk, I didn't mean to)

Keep writing,
Miraculor77




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41 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 41

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Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:58 pm
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starryknightt wrote a review...



Hey! Just read this and I've got to say, this is really good! I love the concept you have going here. The fan-favorite sick and in love kind of thing going on. It makes for a really romantic mood and I can't wait to see where you go with it.
I kind of pride myself on giving helpful critiques and comments so I'm just going to say a few things:
- Grammar/punctuation: I'd work on your run-on sentences and punctuating your dialogue correctly.
- Immersing the reader: This is my opinion, but I think describing the settings a bit more would really do wonders for your story. Make the reader feel like they're actually with the MC and experiencing it right alongside them. Give your reader a mental image. You can do this by using the senses: sight, smell, feel, hearing.





Once I had asked God for one extra or two extra inches in height but instead he made me as tall as the sky, so high that I could not measure myself.
— Malala