Hello yasir! Welcome to YWS. I'm Q to come review your novel chapter today.
I think one thing that you do a very good job with is the description. You use a lot of detailed words to set the scene and give readers a clear image! But with the description, I think that you could dig in a little deeper. Though the words themselves work well, the emotion behind them isn't as strong. Does that make any sense?
Based on all of the mysterious sounds you describe, I should be scared, like the man is, but I can't feel the fear behind the words as much--partially, this might just be from the narration. Your narrator isn't in the scene, so the reader doesn't feel like he/she is in the scene either. You don't have to change your narration, I'm just brining up some things to think about! As the author, you always have the choice to reject anything I suggest do that the story best fits your own vision.
A few little things:
“Please. I- I can’t do this anymore,” he pleaded to no one standing there
Maybe you can say that there appeared to be nothing there? Because clearly there is something very real in that corner...!
spiking higher and higher until it became enough to shatter a glass into a million pieces.
Interesting--it's high enough to break a glass, but does it actually? It would be neat to describe all of the house windows bursting at once, if that's the case.
completely matted with fresh thick blood. And while he lay spreadeagled on the floor, his hand rested on the picture of him standing with a dark haired woman cradling a small baby under her arms, blood staining it…..
"Completely" matted with blood is a bit... excessive. I know he lost a lot of blood, but it probably doesn't completely cover him! And then, if he's totally covered in blood and he's holding a picture... it's sort of logical that it's also stained with blood. Maybe saying that the glass was cracked, or that the faces were still visible beneath smears of blood would be more valuable.
I'm very interested in this young Cooper! Presumably the next segment of the story will center on him...? We've got a very mysterious situation going on here. Will we ever know more about the dead man and what happened to him? And how will this relate to Cooper?? You've got a very good start to this story! Nice job with it. You can feel free to let me know if/when you post another part, or you can just PM me if you have any questions about the site in general.
Have a lovely day!
-Q
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Reviews: 498
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