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Young Writers Society


12+

Choked By the Dark

by yasir3537


“No. Please leave me.”

The ashen-faced man slowly stumbled back in the corner of the dark, musty room, breathing heavily. His face twisted in horror, his hands trembling badly, he jammed himself against the wall, his eyes directed towards the dark corner beside the closed door.

“Please. I- I can’t do this anymore,” he pleaded to no one standing there, his breath drawing out noisily. He seemed half-mad, staring at the dark corner as if gone insane.

Suddenly, from the exact place where he’d been staring, a low, gurgling voice sounded throughout the room. It was faint and deep; more like a growl than a voice. The man uttered a pained whimper, and dropped to his knees beside the floor.

“Please,” he insisted, raising his hands in front of him, as if begging for life. “I…. just can’t do it; I-I-“

Another growl. This time, it was sharp, menacing than ever. The man shuddered violently. Then, all of a sudden, the growl became a shrill scream, spiking higher and higher until it became enough to shatter a glass into a million pieces.

The man wailed pitifully. Stumbling to his feet, he ran towards the door, opened it, and fled downstairs, breath coming out in noisy gasps.

But as soon as he stepped off the last flight of steps, the lights shining above him went out. And the low growl again took its place.

“No,” The man repeated. He was still shaking in fright, but he had drawn himself erect, staring into the blinding darkness with bloodshot eyes. “I - I’ve s-said it already; I-I cannot do this anymore. I wish to leave this damning practice - forever.”

Silence. Nothing moved. The floorboard squeaked underneath the man. He looked around frantically, beads of sweat dripping from his forehead.

And then, as the silence seemed to be at its height, the growl came from somewhere BEHIND him. With a gasp, he turned back.

And he went flying through the air.

Screams. Yells. The entire house was filled with it. It rang out for miles around. Sounds of things breaking and falling soon joined it. Outside, thunder and rain and lightning crashed over the quiet town, dimming the sound until it could only be heard by someone passing by the large house.

It didn’t happen. At that time, amidst the fierce storm and frightful lightning, no one dared to step outside. Every one closed their doors and took their places in their warm beds and armchairs, quietly enjoying the warmth in their house.

But they didn’t know that far away, in the house at edge of the town, a dead man lay in his house surrounded by heaps of rubble and broken glass, completely matted with fresh thick blood. And while he lay spreadeagled on the floor, his hand rested on the picture of him standing with a dark haired woman cradling a small baby under her arms, blood staining it…..

……And about six blocks away from the house, a small, 12-year-old boy named Cooper was squirming and twisting in his bed. Dreaming that he was standing in that very house, watching the man die before his very eyes….

Soon, he would be waking up from his prolonged, uneasy sleep. And he would be running down to tell his father about the strange dream of his, only to find out that what he had seen had become true, leaving him in utter confusion. However, the explanation of this event never came to hand; at least not in the next two years. And it was so not in the way he had expected.

How do I know this? Well, it's obvious. I saw the whole scene myself. Every bit of it. Let's just say that Cooper was just a part of all the confusion, not to mention the terror, that I had to handle in that house.


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498 Reviews


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Thu Jan 24, 2019 4:06 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hello yasir! Welcome to YWS. :) I'm Q to come review your novel chapter today.

I think one thing that you do a very good job with is the description. You use a lot of detailed words to set the scene and give readers a clear image! But with the description, I think that you could dig in a little deeper. Though the words themselves work well, the emotion behind them isn't as strong. Does that make any sense?

Based on all of the mysterious sounds you describe, I should be scared, like the man is, but I can't feel the fear behind the words as much--partially, this might just be from the narration. Your narrator isn't in the scene, so the reader doesn't feel like he/she is in the scene either. You don't have to change your narration, I'm just brining up some things to think about! As the author, you always have the choice to reject anything I suggest do that the story best fits your own vision. :)

A few little things:

“Please. I- I can’t do this anymore,” he pleaded to no one standing there

Maybe you can say that there appeared to be nothing there? Because clearly there is something very real in that corner...!

spiking higher and higher until it became enough to shatter a glass into a million pieces.

Interesting--it's high enough to break a glass, but does it actually? It would be neat to describe all of the house windows bursting at once, if that's the case.

completely matted with fresh thick blood. And while he lay spreadeagled on the floor, his hand rested on the picture of him standing with a dark haired woman cradling a small baby under her arms, blood staining it…..

"Completely" matted with blood is a bit... excessive. I know he lost a lot of blood, but it probably doesn't completely cover him! And then, if he's totally covered in blood and he's holding a picture... it's sort of logical that it's also stained with blood. Maybe saying that the glass was cracked, or that the faces were still visible beneath smears of blood would be more valuable.

I'm very interested in this young Cooper! Presumably the next segment of the story will center on him...? We've got a very mysterious situation going on here. Will we ever know more about the dead man and what happened to him? And how will this relate to Cooper?? You've got a very good start to this story! Nice job with it. :) You can feel free to let me know if/when you post another part, or you can just PM me if you have any questions about the site in general.

Have a lovely day! :)

-Q




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Thu Jan 24, 2019 12:52 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey yasir,

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening! My style tends to be making comments as I read about anything that stands out to me, and then give a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

He seemed half-mad, staring at the dark corner as if gone insane.


I think you're missing a word in there? "As if gone insane" doesn't make a ton of sense as it's written. Maybe you meant "as if he'd gone insane" or "as if he was going insane" instead?

~ ~ ~

Wow! This was a really good chapter!

Typically when I read something labeled "horror" on here it's generally not excessively good at making me feel any of the emotions that are typically associated with the genre. But you did a really good job of making me feel a bit squeamish with this and that's excellent.

I like the mystery and intrigue that you leave unanswered. That will make it really easy to build on this if you ever decide to expand, since you did leave so many questions for us at the end of this piece.

All around well done!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)





It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
— James