I used to admire this person I knew before.
He was kind, generous, and always brought a smile to my face.
At first, he was like an older brother to me,
but I guess he wanted more than that.
He took things to the next level,
and he promised so much for us.
Of course, I didn't believe any of it.
We were only children at that time.
I wanted him to be happy.
Like the way he made me.
Yet, I was blind to all the pain I'd feel.
The cost of loving someone.
Then, he went away without a word.
Never telling me why.
He gave me dirty looks one day
and that was when I knew it was the end.
I was torn, broken, and frustrated.
All the trauma I went through for nothing!
I cried and screamed late into the nights
Wanting to cry every time our song came on the radio.
I was still healing and trying to protect my vulnerable self.
Then out of the blue, you came and mademe smile for the first time in weeks!
I was suspicious with you for I didn't want another broken heart.
Confused by how I felt, I just cried again.
You somehow kept popping up,
and I couldn't resist the laughter every time you were near.
You had fire in your eyes
and your smile made me give one in return every time.
Then, when you asked me to dance to a slow song,
My heart again felt more confused.
I didn't want another broken heart,
but something inside me wanted you too.
I tried to understand the mystery of you.
A person not so open to feelings,
but kind, generous, and true.
I wanted to understand how I felt about you.
Then, about a week ago, I saw something change.
A shift I was afraid of a long time ago.
I saw you acting differently,
and I wanted to hold time still before you kept on going.
I remembered the person I used to admire,
and prayed to God you wouldn't end up like him.
I wanted you to stay the same,
but I also didn't want to control you either!
Torn between wanting you to be the same person I met
and wanting you to be happy,
I watched you everyday from afar
as you faded farther and farther away.
That was when I passed by you in class today.
You glanced at me then looked away.
A hurt expression on your face,
I walked away with a broken heart.
Your expression still in my head,
I wanted to cry inside that classroom.
What was going on?
Where was the person I knew before?
I long for your fire,
and the warmth in your smile,
I pray you're still in there.
The friend that got me through.
If I broke your heart in some way,
then I pray that the angels will whisper in your ear.
That I am here waiting for you
and that I love you too!
Please, don't go away.
I'm seeing you change,
and not in the good way.
I am still screaming in my head...please, don't fade away!
Wow I i am so speechless this is amazing!!! I defiantly know what you mean in this poem it speaks to me in so many ways!!
Please keep writing
I'll try to be the first to review them
This poem is obviously gonna be my fave
I've feel like this for a very long time
and its nice to know that someone feels the same way!!
If you need anything im here but all in all keep
on writing!!!
You are so good at writing poems!!!!!
Hey there Fairy! You really captured the emotions of a breakup and the conflicting feelings when meeting someone new. I think it is very relatable. I went through that as well and it was very difficult. It was very difficult to let go and it was difficult to let myself feel for others after the separation.
To me this poem seems more like a prose monologue than a poem. The reason I think this is because the poem doesn't have a consistent rhythm. It seems like each line is basically just its own sentence.
I like the last line which mirrored the title. I love when poets do that.
So maybe consider rewording to make it a poem or simply take this and turn it into a short story narrative. I do like the fact that it is in poem form, but I do think that you should make the lines match a little bit more.
Excellent job on this! Happy writing!
Hey, Luke here for a review!
So, I really enjoyed this poem actually. It’s theme was a great one, incredibly relatable, and you really managed to put forth some strong emotion. Although it was a little cliché in parts, the majority of the time it was some stellar poetry.
There are, however, a few suggestions I have. Firstly, the poem lacks a form, and in certain parts a flow. I think it would be improved by separating into stanzas in much the same way prose is separated into paragraphs. Maybe moving or removing some words in the poem would help to improve the flow as well. My only other concern is the use of exclamation marks in your poem. I understand this is largely personal preference, but in my humble opinion exclamation marks don’t belong in poetry. Here, they just don’t fit the white melancholy tone you’ve already created. Just use a period instead, I would suggest.
On the whole though, a great poem.
Keep writing,
Luke
Hey!
I don't know if I've said this yet, but welcome to YWS, and if you ever need anything feel free to ask!
I think you have a very relatable piece here. I love the way you describe emotions, and settings. I think this would best serve as a short story though. There is just so much to work with, and you could elaborate more on the theme and feeling you're trying to go for.
you were spot on for most of the grammar; there were just a few spots where commas should be periods or vice versa. I think if you carefully re-read your work you could spot these, and if not I'd love to come back and point a few out to help you get a feel for it.
I just went through a break up, and I think you captured the feeling of not wanting to get hurt by someone else perfectly. It's not always the best decision to hop right back into a relationship. I think this poem was executed beautifully, and I want to encourage you and challenge you to see if you can create this into a short story.
Thanks for the awesome read, and if you need anything feel free to ask,
Rascalover
120,120 Literary Works • 648,678 Reviews
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