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Life: Spider Web

by Liberty


Life

Life is too unfair,
But you have to fly through it.
Or else you'll get stuck.


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Wed Sep 11, 2019 11:01 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Liberty, FlamingPhoenx here to leave a short review for you on this lovely night. I thought I reviewed all your poetry, but it looks like I was wrong. *laughs*

Anyway let's begin.

So I just want to say I agree with @Magestorrow you did open this poem up this a very deep with emotion sentence but you ended the poem on a happy note, it was a very fast transition to get from sad to happy, but I am happy to say the way you did it works really well, and it was fun to read...even if it was for a little while. XD
I like the title you chose for this poem, it really does fit our lives. Like you said we are the fly and life is the web, I really couldn't agree more.

Though there is one thing I would like to point out, I don't normally read M rated things, but if I'm honest with you you don't need the M rating for this poem. It's really fine just being E. But the choice is up to you.

Well like I said this would be a short review, so I will be taking my leave now. I do hope you will keep writing because when ever I read your work it always brightens my day, so post again on YWS soon. Have a great day or night either one.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

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Liberty says...


Thanks for all the kind words!





No problem!



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Thu Sep 05, 2019 7:30 pm
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Jaybird wrote a review...



Hey Liberty!

This is a short poem, so expect a shorter review than usual. :P

First off: I love the simile! It's cute, creative, and the type of thing that sticks with the reader awhile after they finish reading the poem. I also love how you start with a pessimistic tone and end it on a happier note. It would be easy to keep the mood of the poem constant in the three lines, but your poem instead shows emotional progress. It's really neat and impressive.

Another cool thing that I noticed was your formatting. I usually see haikus center, but the combination of the haiku to the side and the bolded and underlined title makes it seem like a very professional haiku.

My only critique is that the last line felt weaker than the other two. I think that can be attributed to the combination of "you'll" and "be". I understand that you need to keep the line's current structure so it fits as a haiku, but try changing "be" to "get" - you might like how it sounds more!

Great job on this poem, and happy #RevMo !

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Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! I def like it much better, lol. :)



Jaybird says...


You're welcome! I'm glad I could help. <3



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Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:35 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya Liberty, Casanova here to do a review for you.

Alright, to start off with I'd like to say although that this is a fairly simple haiku that I do enjoy it, because it's the truth, but here's a couple of thoughts on it.

Basically the only three things you've incorporated are

-Unfairness
-flying
-being stuck

Now these three things aren't bad, but in the format you have them in I think that you could do better at bumping them up, creating a better atmosphere. Now, me, myself, I'm terrible at haiku's(i'm terrible at doing any sort of poem with restrictions) but I do think that you could amp this up with a lot of practice and looking through it.

Another thing, as for aesthetic, is that you use punctuation at the end of both of the starting lines, but there is no ending punctuation mark for the final line.

And the last thing that was on my mind is simply- you don't have to use a capitol letter every time you start a new line in poetry- this is not prose. You only have to use a capitol letter- whenever it's appropriate for you. I have several poems that don't use capitol letters at all- that's my style.

But anyway all in all this was a good haiku and thank you for sharing.

Cas




Liberty says...


Thanks very much for the review. I'm done the fixing up that punctuation thing at the end. Tell me what you think. Also, the capital letter thing, it's my style, ya know? If I see something that's not capitalized or is not properly punctuated, I get seriously annoyed and pissed. But I do know that it's the way most people write their poems and I'm cool with it. :D Thanks again!



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Mon Dec 17, 2018 6:47 am
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Caitlynn wrote a review...



A very simple poem, explained so well in so few words. However the words you wrote here do ring true, you used simple words, constructing a very nice, and yet meaningful haiku. A small suggestion is moving or changing the period on the second line, maybe to an common, or removing it, and maybe you can rephrase the first sentence, so it doesn't sound too awkward when spoken out loud.




Liberty says...


Okay! Thank you very much! :)



Liberty says...


I've been thinking of a way of how I could change the first line, but, nothing has come to my mind, unfortunately. :(



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Fri Dec 14, 2018 1:06 am
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AmadeusW says...



Good job!




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 5:43 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Liberty, first off, welcome to Young Writers Society. I hope you're enjoying the site so far! Feel free to reach out if you need help navigating the site.

So on to the review!

First off, I'd say this is a fairly simple haiku and you did a nice job being able to fit a narrative, a bit of imagery, and even a moral into one little poem. I didn't see any issues with the syllables.

I think you used fairly good word-economy (which is really important in short poems) with the exception of using the word "too" in line 1. I wonder if you could portray the same concept with different words. "Too unfair" just doesn't portray anything exceptionally more meaningful than just plain "unfair", and the phrasing is a bit awkward.

Another critique is I would change the title from "My first Haiku poem..." to "Life: A spider web" or even "Life, A Haiku Poem" - putting words like "my first" or "draft" in the title rarely gets readers interested in my experience. And finally, I don't think the use of "ellipses" or "..." at the end of the poem is necessary - I tend to think that ellipses looks a bit sloppy unless it's used to convey lowering volume in dialogue. It's like throwing the phrase "etc." or "ya know" at the end of a speech - rather than adding content, it makes me question whatever came before because it looks as if the author is second-guessing what they're saying. I guess I'd just suggest doing a full-stop period, as it's a bit more professional, and seems to fit with the meaning more. Unless you're trying to convey something with the ellipses that I missed.

Overall, quite a good a haiku, and even a bit funny, with the image of getting stuck in a spider web.

Well done, I look forward to reading some more poetry from you in the future!

~alliyah

Spoiler! :

Also if you love writing haiku's here are some haiku activities on the site you might be interested in participating in!
* Haiku Train Write a Haiku, using the last entry's 3rd line as your 1st line.
* Haiku Battle! Battle it out, but through using the art of haiku! :)




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Thu Dec 13, 2018 12:52 am
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BooksCatsAndTea wrote a review...



This is really cool, it reminds me of a butterfly in a spiderweb, if that makes any sense, very elegant. One thing I'd suggest is removing you three dots at the end and replacing it with a period. It may make your final line more powerful, its good to have that "Pow!" to end your poem. Another small thing that could be changed, though this is just a suggestion, is changing the period at the end of the second line to a comma, or just removing it altogether, so it flows more smoothly when read aloud.




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Wed Dec 12, 2018 10:44 pm
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Liberty says...



If anyone has any feedback or corrections, please do tell me!





Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
— steampowered