Young Writers Society

Well that took a dark turn! First off I really love the flow, and structure of this poem. The ending has me shivering. Anyway I really like this line "A life so full
of optimism- no little white lies." I feel like it flows quite nicely, and has a very nice rhythm. The beginning caught my interest, and the ending made me want more. Terrific job!

Oh my goodness! That ending line sent shivers up my spine. BRRR! (That's good though)

They killed her for pearls! Oh my...

Anyways, this was a wonderful poem, and I'd love to see more!

~Liberty500

Hey-o, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to your review. I had finals, like I said, so I'm just getting back online today. Anywho, into the review.

Synopsis: There's a lady whose eyes the narrator admires. They're full of life, very pure, like pearls. These eyes give the lady value, so someone has killed/died for them.

Stanza by Stanza:

First: This one I think stands out language style wise. It's the most traditionally poetic stanza, It's the only one that feels like a compliment to her (if that makes sense). Like the other stanzas make her an object in which she is active in. The second stanza references her as "a life," the third has this very traditional feminine role in which her virtue is prized above all else (which at least for me makes her seem less human and more object of virtue) the fourth and fifth only represent her eyes. So like I don't have a critique here, I just went full English Major mode on your poem.

Second: Also stands out because it's the only one that doesn't focus on her eyes which are the most important part of her in the context of this poem. I get the connection between her purity in life and her purity in eyes, but I think the ending is heading towards objectifying her (WHICH ISNT NECESSARILY A BAD THING) for the sake of this murderous reveal. So for me this stanza felt disconnected.

Third: “so damn clean” here feels out of place. Because the other lines have this refinedness to them…You start out with a very poetic sentiment “light in her eyes” and then “so pure” which to me feels very Victorian or very “cinnamon roll” and then metaphor of pearls is very high class. “Damn” stands out, and it breaks up the tone of the piece. Which I think you don’t want here because you’re ending with a soft “so they did,” mysterious tone. It doesn’t fit.

Fourth: Two notes, one there's definitely a better word for "very high value," two it's confusing that your have two "someone would" statements because your last line is "So they did"

Overall, I think it's a good poem. I keep thinking back to that last line, really well done cause first I'm like "love poem" and then it has that reversal of an ending. I think your line breaks were a little too short for the most part. Your first stanza especially, because the lines are so short it feels choppy when the words are very flowy. "Not even the sun could match the light in her eyes" I keep reading it as one line and then going back and being like no it's "Not even the sun. could match the light. in her eyes." There's not really any words I would put the emphasis on here (other than "the sun" and because it's so traditionally poetic I want to read it as one line so that it's fluid. But these short lines work well for your reveal because it's supposed to be more choppy/unnatural/disconcerting at the end. But this first part is still a traditional poem, so longer lines make sense for the first half. Try cutting the lines up differently and reading it out loud, you might see what I'm talking about. It's subtle, but I think a slide into shorter lines will work better to get that reveal.

Hey!

This is magnificent. I love the story in this poem. The only thing I can see to critic is that theres a change in the poems flow after the third stanza. It's too abrupt and doesn't do the poem justice. I think the last few stanzas still need to follow the three lined format you did in the beginning of the poem.

I almost want to see you create a short story from this poem, or a collection of poems to further the story.

Thanks for the awesome read, and if you need any other reviews feel free to ask
Rascalover

Oh my. Definitely an interesting twist at the end. The words themselves are very good, I just think the way the poem is structured is very choppy and hard to follow smoothly. The lines are very short and I think they could work just as well if you combined some of those lines together. When you say "She was so pure, so damn clean that her eyes were pearls". I think adding in the "damn" stands out a bit in the midst of beautiful, innocent imagery. I understand it could have been to fulfill a syllable, but I would say consider finding another way. I have nothing against swearing by any means, I just think it doesn't fit quite right.
Good job on this and happy writing!