Young Writers Society

Hey there Rascalover! Or, welcome back, I should say haha

Remember my critiques from the last part? I sure don't, but let's see if I repeat any here. Anyway, let's jump in

Oh my god, okay, so can Perfect by Ed Sheeran be our song?!?!?!? Literally. I'm listening to it now and its just... so perfect. My heart is swelling. Damn it. I think I am in love. So not in the plan. Also, can we slow dance in the kitchen higher than kites at two am in our pajamas to our favorite song? If you had to pick a song for us what would it be? Lil' Wayne? Hahaha.

I am seeing all of these memes about love and dating and being someones significant other and it's like I am seeing them in a whole new light. Like, before when I was single I just looked, laughed, and moved on, but now they move my heart because I think of you.

You make things different and I make things difficult.

I am so glad I saw your true colors before I actually developed any real feelings.

I have nothing profound to say about the ending of this relationship besides I am worth more than how you treated me;

Hi Rascalover !
Here are some of my thoughts on this real™ piece. Feel free to ask any questions or put aside anything that doesn't make sense. Again, most of my criticism is in intent closer to an analytical query rather than something that I strongly feel needs improvement.

First entry /over all -

1. This is the furthest from anything I have read ever, which was intentional as I avoided reading romantic stuff up until very recently. Even then, never did I feel bored or irritated by this work. I'll say this again, you make the reader care about your narrator skillfully.

2. There are a few minor spelling mistakes/grammatical errors, which I don't know are intentional or not. If it isn't, a single quick re-edit would take care of that.

Also, is the date "11/27/2018" missing at the beginning?

3. I maintain a diary too, and the variation in the formatting of the entries adds a realistic feel to the work. Paragraphs, bullet lists, tables, images etc. all are used in journalling and here, effectively. The fact that the paragraphs and lists are on different dates shows that the state of mind and the way the MC's mind is processing its thoughts varies (as it does in any ordinary person) even if the thing/person on their mind is the remains the same.

4. The previous entries were an overwhelming deluge of emotions and questions, and now the storm has quietened a bit, lending a (only slightly) lighter stream-of-consciousness feel to this, and this makes it an easier read.

5. This feels like a voice recording that someone would add to their voice-entry diary. That's not the correct way to describe it tbh, but the other way I think about it is that this feels like an informal monologue that someone might say , given the use of terms "Literally","like", "I mean" etc. I feel that although that would be very cool for a recording, since I assume that this is put out there for people to read, maybe some tighter editing would help the piece without taking away its genuineness (if that's a word).
Although that might mean a cross over from a messy diary entry to a slightly tidied up impression of a diary entry.

For example, that might mean the removal of the second sentence in "Caring for me is foreign to me. I don't even take great care of myself. That's why I drink myself silly and consistently do anything to harm myself. " which would take away no depth or emphasis as far as I can see.

6. <Not a critique but "not a fan of Beyonce " is the first thing I found relatable with the protagonist xD (On a serious note, I do feel that this is the perfect amount of words to dedicate to a song in this entry.) >

7. Repetition — "I drank you under the table" was in the previous entry too iirc. , and its a cliche too, though this isn't much of a problem as it was handled correctly imo.

Second entry —

8. What a massive twist in the tale, though can't say we didn't see that coming (the caring for weed rather, not the accident). Though "last night" might be a better phrase to use than "Tuesday night", I also think that it helps to put distance between the memory and moment of writing. Which is definitely needed if such a terrible thing happened less than a day ago, and the MC is already composed enough to write a diary entry about it. The usage of lists adds to the clinical detachment/denial/not-yet-fully-processed(affected) mindset . Brilliant.

9. The lists are great, and a cool way to unload some info including the pothead's name. I'm not sure how Jesus plays into it or how strongly religion's interwoven into the lives of the characters, though that's probably because I live in a country where Christians are a tiny minority, and thus don't understand the culture.

That talking in third person about themselves confused me a bit initially, but I re-read it then and it makes sense. (And also lets us know what T stands for in TBJ)

Third entry —
By now it feels like the MC has fully processed all that happened. (though that fact is more in-your-face imo compared to previous entries.) It isn't clear though whether they're smoking crack or not.

It feels like the diary is having a therapeutic effect on the MC so if you were going for that, then it's great.

Not a lot of criticism here, so if you need any actual advice think of the effect you wanted to have on the reader and whether it worked for me. (if I feel it, then a large reader group will probably do too because the protagonist is not relatable to me in any way, yet the entries hold my attention)

These entries were even better and imaginative!

Keep writing so well!

Hey! Been busy, but I finally got to reading this!
This is quite the monologue. This and part one together make the perfect diary of a confused, emotionally broken person who doesn't know how to react to her boyfriend's antics. This is all very realistic and from the heart. It truly feels like an authentic expression of how you truly feel about the person you're talking to in this monologue. If it is actually your own experiences and thoughts, then it took a lot of bravery to write all this down and share it. Not many feel okay with expressing their feelings to others.
I love the raw, uncensored outpouring of pain and anguish. I know that makes me sound like a psycho but seriously, the way you wrote all this is quite intense, actually. And even though (no offense) there are quite many typos and grammar errors and whatnot, I think those errors actually ADD to the story, because no one who is a drug addict and an emotionally disturbed person is going to write their diary in perfect English. Take the book Flowers for Algernon, for example. I think the narrator was an autistic person, if memory serves, and the spelling in that book was off-the-charts botched - but it was done that way to preserve the authenticity of the narrator. Now your typos and grammar errors may not have been intentional, but they could possibly be preserved, because it adds to the authenticity of your character, TBJ.
Good work on this.

Man this is crazy.

I was so hopeful after reading the last part, I was thinking about how this boyfriend would respond to all of your hopes, desires and needs, whether or not you actually showed him what you wrote. 'You' being either the character or actually yourself again.

And to see it all crash down because of an accident?


I can't form up a full review for this, its got me thinking about too much. Fucking hell, this was a rollercoaster, it drew me in so much and this part kinda ruined me along with you.

Phenomenal writing once again.

So.... whoa.

First off, I apologize for not reviewing this yesterday when I said I would. I got caught up in a paper for Anatomy (do you have any questions about hypoparathyroidism?? because I can answer them ) and forgot. Again, I'm sorry. But anyway, I'm here now, so on to reviewing.

This work is even more open and honest and brutal and emotional than the first part. It really is hard, is heartbreaking, to read these. Emotions really suck sometimes. When you hit things like this, sometimes over emotions and numbness (no matter how scary the second one is): numbness feels less harsh. Your beginning sentence hit me kind of hard, because Perfect was my ex-girlfriend and my song. And now when I listen to it it seems kind of warped, kind of spoiled. I still like the song. But now it feels like when you have flowers in a vase too long and they still look just fine, but when you get to close, you can smell the death and decay in their pores.

It's hard when you're stuck, having to decide between two unhealthy things, but both feel good. I guess that's where addiction as an example comes into play. Hi, I'm a relatively high functioning alcoholic. I know that when things feel good, they become addictive. Especially when it's a thing that becomes habit for your brain. It just becomes a fixture, even though it may be killing you. relationships can be like that too. My ex was really toxic, but it still felt like a knife to my heart when she left. Even though she was emotionally abusive, I became addicted to the few happy parts of being with her. The feel good parts. And that really applies to a lot of things in life.

Your writing is just open and flows like thoughts, like you just type as soon as the words pop into your brain, and you don't really stop to filter them or add a slant or bias so they work in your favor better. I like that. I hate authors who twist and turn around the truth just to make themselves look like the victim. Because there is a huge difference between actually being the victim, and making yourself the victim by twisting emotions and sympathy to suit yourself. Your writing is genuine, it's real, it is good.

I honestly thought your bulleted section there was good. It really added to the overall work here, and it gave you some perspective to the other people in your story here. It gives the reader perspective as to how you perceive the people around you. And tells us a lot about those people, so that we better understand what happened and why they acted how they did.

Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Etc.

There's a couple mistakes throughout the work, but they're little and easily fixed.
P=paragraph, S=Sentence, ABP=After Bullet Points

1. (P2, S1) "...and being someones significant other..."
"Someones" should be "Someone's"

2. (P4, S4) "...boyfriends are suppose to care about..."
"soppose to" should be "supposed to"

3. (P6, S2) "...in a big read bow and deliver..."
"Read" should be "red"

4. ABP (P2, S3) "She's not just my boyfriends mom but shes also my friend and has my best intentions in mind."

Corrected: "She's not just my boyfriend's mom, but she's also my friend, and has my best intentions in mind."

5. ABP (P3, S7) "And, it doesn't phase me."
"phase" should be "faze"

Overall, this is really good.

Great job, and keep on writing,
Autopilot