Heya, this is ElvenJedi, here to review your work!
First off, this poem is very unique, and I love it's meaning and imagery. Definitely enjoyed reading it! Now, onto the critique.
This is our mountain now.
This particular sentence is completely fine, if only it fit in more and was maybe referenced later in the poem. There isn't really a clear tie between it and the poem's conclusion. What with the shortness of that sentence and the simplicity, it comes off extremely strong, and it feels rather odd to not have more lines backing it up later. It sort of feels like to me, as a reader, similar to a thesis statement that isn't maintained.
fire, cheeks stamped red
with roses (and sure, maybe there was snot)
I personally think the line about snot doesn't fit here at all. In contrast with the rest of the piece, it's very crude and maybe even comical sounding, and the parentheses around it just heighten that and make it stand out further.
In the second stanza, I think everything's perfect as is, and in contrast with the last review here I actually like the phrase "brown november". Just thought I'd mention that.
I also really like the next stanza-- what you say about words "hard and heavy as rocks" is really descriptive.
Overall, this poem is amazing, creative, and very meaningful. I do think that it isn't very structured visually or rhythmically, as each stanza ranges from 1-8 lines long, but that could easily just be your style, in which case there's nothing wrong with it at all! Anyway, I hope you find this review helpful, and I look forward to reading more of your writings in the future!
Points: 102
Reviews: 38
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